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"It's OK, everything happens for a reason..."

I find it to be one of the cruelest things to say to someone who has just been through a traumatic event, but particularly a loss. I really wonder what goes through the mind of someone; is it that you don’t know what to say (say that, followed by a hug) or do you sincerely believe that everything happens for a reason?

Certainly human beings are resilient and can deal with tragedy. In fact, we are animals, as you know, and death just happens. Back in our caveman days the mortality rate for our young was quite high. Do you suppose the reason why was that it was easier to be nomadic with only the strongest surviving? Do you suppose that was of any comfort to the parents?

Did you know the mortality rate for children under five in 1900 was 36% and now it’s under 5%. That explains, at least here in the US, why this is so much more difficult to handle the death of a child; because it is much less frequent that it used to be. But, it happens for a reason? There is no reason for it other that we are fragile animals and shit happens in this random Universe. We comfort the living, provide them support so that they go on with it the very best they can. Because we are, after all, animals capable of compassion which is one of the best parts of our evolution.

How about this reason: We are are living in a chaotic and random universe. Some things are predicable but most things are not.

I am not even going to touch the will of god argument. Holy Shit! If you believe there is a serial killer in the sky, that’s on you. Give your 10% to the lord and whatever…

You know things just don’t make sense and sometimes bad things happen. But hey, sometimes good things happen! Let’s rejoice in that.

Remember, we don’t say that when something good happens to someone. “Oh, you got your Master’s degree! Well, everything happens for a reason.”

Comfort each other, love each other and have a wonderful day

Gyanez 5 June 15

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The infant mortality rate was not necessarily high among early humans, although the fecundity rate was - statistically, if memoyt serves, nomadic hunter-gatherer family averaged a birth once every four years, compared to every two years in agrarian societies (of course, their life expectancy was much less than our own today). However, some the very worst infant mortality occurred in towns and cities of the Industrial Revolution, and the mortality rate among new mothers remained staggeringly high, at least in Europe, from at least the Middle Ages until the late nineteenth century and the realization that dirt spread disease.

As to the reaction to early death amongst infants and children, life was much cheaper and death a more familiar constant. Few children would reach maturity without having watched a sibling die, and even in the Victorian age, it was far from uncommon for a man to have remarried, having lost his previous wife in childbirth.


I have this issue every time there is a tragedy and the news crews find some simpleton to interview who says god spared them, their home, their family, their pets, while not acknowledging that by saying that, their god then becomes responsible for the destruction, death, injury and mayhem that has happened to their friends and neighbors? You can’t have one without the other, sorry! When that tornado goes through that little town, where almost everyone goes to the same church, worships the same god, and that pencil line of destruction missed your home... If I was one of the homeowners that lost everything, I might be tempted to strangle you when I hear you say god spared you but aimed for me! ?

I have a cousin who stopped at a restaurant in a town in Texas that, shortly after she left, was hit by a tornado. She said that god loved her "so much" that he waited until she left to devastate an entire town.

The height of delusion, egocentricity, and arrogance. I guess that god hated the citizens of the town.


Humans are so uncomfortable with the unknown & unexplained. Those that wish to keep it simple use the god answer for it all. Those that want the truth are patiently waiting for answers & studying science. Grief is not something one can alleviate. It is a human condition one must work through. A shock to the psyche that must be healed by work & time. The god method is a tool for that end. not one of my tools. Human contact is another. If one does not follow the stages of grief, one becomes stuck & then needs guidance in order to complete the process. The healthy brain will eventually reset. The unhealthy brain has to seek professional help. Ungrasp the stigma & seek support through counseling.


It's an ignorant platitude (and I say this as someone who used to say it until I realised how ignorant it was). I try to educate others who still say it how it lands, in a gentle way. There's no point shaming them, as doing that will likely cement their beliefs than help them learn how poorly it comes across, as it's a balm people use to explain away the pain and find meaning in random tragedies.


One of the cruelest comments I ever heard was from a woman who missed a connection on flight 800, the one that blew up over the Atlantic. "God was looking out for me that day!" And thought, you stupid, ignorant bitch! A plane goes down, killing hundreds of men, women, CHILDREN and BABIES! But "god" saved YOUR sorry ass!? That attitude is the most disgusting aspect of "religion," and I hear similar comments from so-called "Christians" all the time.

Would a more charitable interpretation be that she was fully aware of the cruelty and devastation committed that day and that faith in God's ineffable plan was her primitive way of dealing with survivor guilt?

A high school classmate of mine was writing a little homily on our class web site. She had lost her keys or something and was very frustrated. When she finally found them, she thanked God. She wrote: He really does care about the little things. Really? Every year 9000 children die before reaching the age of 5, but you think God helps you find your car keys? Does he help you find parking places too? I know that there are some very intelligent people who have a strong faith, but some people are just idiots.


In essence its true, everything happens because of a reason, main reason being "it was due to happen". Non believers need consolation too, we all have losses in life, but that phrase is a terrible thing to say, to anyone. Believers some time say it was in God's plan. How can they possibly know. That phrase is wrong too.


Whenever someone tells me that "everything happens for a reason," I think of this picture:


I've had a couple tragedies in this lifetime and what I found actually comforted me was a friend who would come over and drink a bottle of wine with me. Talk, reminisce, keep me distracted for a while. Platitudes are meaningless.


This one drives me crazy too. Do these people think this through at all? Or have they for some (religious?) reason built up a mental wall in front of the obvious?
Some of you old folks, like me, may remember the Thalidomide tragedy of the sixties. Those women had no reason to suspect the drug was dangerous at the time. Only after thousands of horribly deformed babies were born was the connection made. Try telling one of those mothers "It's OK, everything happens for a reason..."


My granddaughter committed suicide two years ago. It, the moment of time was surreal, functioning to support the family, friends but definitely walking through jello. I just willed my body to be with my daughter through the drama of allowing often complete strangers to enter our grief.
*sitting in the front row of a church hall, having a strange preacher say he wasn't going to preach then hear him say that God doesn't want us to hurt ourself. I wanted to jump up an scream at him...shut up! My child is devastated...her child can't hear you. Instead, I waited for him to look my way....his eyes met mine and read my lips as I kept repeating..."Stop it...stop it..stop it!"
He wrapped up quickly and disappeared into the group before I could approach him. He was fortunate to miss my intended conversation.
Grief is not to be managed but embraced as it is replaced somewhat will the gratitude of loving the person who has died. My own thoughts..everyone has their own path.

Thanks for sharing your story. Truly sorry for your loss.


All You Need Is Love ?

Coldo Level 8 June 15, 2018

This drives me just as crazy as "God only gives you as much as you can handle." I seriously want to kick people in the face when they spew this nonsense.

Sorcha Level 6 June 15, 2018



Agree. Good post!

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