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I always hate going to places where I have to give them my age or date of birth. I know I don’t look my age and inevitably I get the “You look good for 47”. My thought is always, are forty something women supposed to look bad? Horrible? Ugly? Hag-like? Honestly, if it’s a professional place like a doctor’s office or insurance agency, etc., it should be inappropriate to make any comment about someone’s age or appearance that has nothing to do with the business at hand. I know they mean well but I feel uncomfortable and it’s a rather demeaning comment for women my age and older.

Do you think it’s inappropriate to make a comment like that? Do you have expectations of what forty plus people are suppose to look like? Or do you experience something similar? How do you feel about it?

By graceylou
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29 comments

6

Ha! I don't mind one single bit! I get it all the time and am flattered smile001.gif

pepperjones Level 8 July 11, 2018
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Get it all the time huh? Conceited much? lol just kidding around with ya.

Like I've always heard..if u got it then flaunt it and u are a very beautiful woman so work it while u can.

@jorj oh honey, I know what I got and what I don't. Conceited, I'm not, lol. I've got 2 years til 50 and some good genes, that's all. smile009.gif Thanks,

@pepperjones good genes yes but u could have allowed yourself to let go and be obese or many other things so don't give all the credit to mother nature.

@pepperjones and don't call me honey unless u mean it baby smile007.gif

@jorj well you're too far away for me to mean it... I'll make a note not to call you anything sweet again smile009.gif

@pepperjones yeah, that distance thing pretty much stops me from using this as a dating site. All the ones I find attractive are far far away but maybe soon one will sign up for the site that is close to my neck of the woods.

@jorj good luck ❤❤❤

5

Eight appearance-based "compliments" that are actually insults:

[bustle.com]

LiterateHiker Level 8 July 11, 2018
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Ah hah. Yeah, see, it's not just me having a weirdo moment. I'm not just thinking about me, but also about all women of my age group or older. I get that the person making the comment may not be aware of the implication of what they are saying.

5

I'm very sorry. I am guilty of this huge mistake. It's totally inappropriate. I won't do it again
I wish I could undo the damage and hurt I've caused. This is a wakeup call for me. Wow, I always thought of myself as prowomen. I have to try to rethink everything and think before I speak.
I didn't even realize how ignorant and demeaning I've been til you posted this truth. My stupid, backwards ass brain thought I was really giving a great compliment.
I should have shown the proper respect that a woman deserves. I will work on being better. Thank you for being so open and honest teaching me such an important issue.
Although women shouldn't have to go through this or waste their time to explain this to dumbass men like me, I think the world will get much better for women if they are brutally honest with men. Like Grace has done here.
Bravo to you for saying it! I needed to hear it!

JohnINFP Level 7 July 11, 2018
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Hear, here.

4

It's a compliment. I don't see the point in being offended by it.

I will also say in my dating app experience there seemed to be a noticeable difference in looks after the 30 year mark.

maturin1919 Level 7 July 11, 2018
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4

"You look good for your age" is demeaning. They should say, "You look good."

LiterateHiker Level 8 July 11, 2018
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4

I will be 41 in a few months. People say I look no older than 25. It also doesn't help that I am short. Some people treat me like a kid.

ShuMei2018 Level 7 July 11, 2018
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I bet that's frustrating.

I got that when I got my license at 16. Mom gave me her collosal 1973. It has huge hood. I was so short that when kids at school saw me driving that car they would laugh and point. Because you could only see half my head when I was in the driver's seat. I looked like I was 12. LOL

Edited

I completely understand. I deal with it all my life. When I was 32 I had to argue with some random person who wouldn’t believe I was not just 18. Although it seems like a good thing, looking much younger gets you treated unpleasantly sometimes. I had trouble getting taken seriously in my later 20s and my thirties, like I seemed too young to take on a management position or to lead a research project. I also dress the way I look because if I “dress my age” people ask me all the time why I’m “dressed up”. It’s very annoying.

3

I look young for my age and don't mind when someone question it.

freddam Level 3 July 11, 2018
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3

I don’t mind if someone says I look young for my age but looking good for my age I take as a different thing. It implies may be I should not look “good”. Or those my age can’t look good normally. And for professionals in their professional position should not even comment.

I will be turning 50 in 3 years. That should be a lot of fun!!!

graceylou Level 7 July 11, 2018
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Maybe its a matter of simple wording? "young for your age" vs "good for your age" ... Try to understand the intent, most people who compliment you are truly being complementary

Don’t have to be turning
It’s okay to stay at 32

@pepperjones I agree

@pepperjones I tend to see things more analytically and critically I guess. I'm sure they aren't aware of the implications of what they are saying. Still, there is the general assumption in the public's mind that those my age and older aren't expected to look good.

@graceylou it's no so much an expectation as it is a reality that people see all around the country and when someone like yourself is in front of them it is a breath of fresh air to see some people do have self respect and don't just let their self go like most do.

3

I've never felt ashamed of my age, actually it makes me feel proud to have lived this long since there have been so many times it could have ended abruptly. I've come paper close to death more than ten times in my life and have just celebrated by 75th birthday on the fourth of July. It's a joy to be able to sit back and think about it. Yes, it's good. Remembering when I came up for air after being swept off of a troop carrier by a wave in a north Atlantic winter storm, or how it felt to find my way back through the desert after my car broke down on a back road in summer. Crashes, fires, earthquakes, two attempts on my life, they've tried and failed. Sure, I'm happy to see 75. The scars are like badges. Be proud of it.

OldGoat43 Level 7 July 11, 2018
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I know what you mean by not being ashamed of your age. I’m not either. I walk 3 miles a day at least 5 days a week, try to eat right and have been on this path for 37 years. I also go dancing at least twice a week. I look good, feel good, and regularly hear “nobody would ever guess you’re 88 years old!” Most of my friends are 20 or more years younger than me because we like the same things and do the same things. Naturally I feel on top of the world most of the time because I have lots of friends, my life is good and I enjoy it all I can.

3

People tend to think my kids are my brothers. That's kind of annoying really. Then people will say but you don't look old enough to be their mother. Well, I am and this is how old their mother looks.

sewchick57 Level 7 July 11, 2018
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'You don't look old enough to have kids that age!'
WTF is that? Is it some low key teenage pregnancy slam? Tell me you like the cut of my dress or my cool shoes instead of being rude.

My mother reveled for years in passing me off as her younger brother.

@AmiSue I think they are just saying that the person looks young.

@JohnINFP The actual comment is ridiculous though. Women have kids at 16. I did at 29...that’s a hell of an age span. I am aware that my age - 52 today! - looks different on every woman.

@AmiSue I'm pretty sure that they're not thinking of teenage pregancy or the math. : )

@JohnINFP I’m pretty sure it’s the only instance when I am literal minded LOL
Don’t know why exactly!

3

I've always looked younger than my age I get that too I just consider it a compliment

Drsmash253 Level 7 July 11, 2018
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3

I have made effort to keep myself healthy and young looking so I don't mind when people say I don't look 50.

Deanervin Level 6 July 11, 2018
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3

I think it's inconsiderate. Same as, "You look good for having x amount of kids."

First, I didn't ask.
Second, stop assuming what women of a certain age or such are supposed to look like.

Donotbelieve Level 8 July 11, 2018
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2

I get told l don't look my age anytime l'm asked. Gives me a little pick me up. I should go to the carnival see how many stuffed animals l can win.

Sticks48 Level 8 July 11, 2018
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You can win some for me. I love stuffies.

@graceylou. Do you have a preference for any particular speicies of stuffies?

@Sticks48 I’m partial to monkeys but you know me, I love all stuffed animals.

@graceylou sock monkeys?

@Sticks48 Sure. I love sock monkeys. LOL.

@graceylou My brother and l had sock monkeys our grandmother made. They seem to be popular again.

@Sticks48 I had a sock monkey made in my likeness. LOL. She has all my tattoos at the time, and my nipple rings (but that’s a whole other story).

@graceylou 😂 Who made it? Do you still have it? That's really funny.

@Sticks48 Yes I still have her. There’s a local person who custom makes sock monkeys.

@graceylou Msg me a photo please, if you wouldn't mind. If not that's ok too. ☺

@Sticks48 I just did.

2

Response with a confident "I know, right!". Own it

GwenC Level 6 July 11, 2018
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2

Yes I hate it. I've been getting age comments since my freaking 20s, not so much now lol, but it's still annoying, and yes RUDE.

/I've even thought about "padding" my age, to freak people out, just to F with them.

Qualia Level 8 July 11, 2018
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2

I don't want to hear any commentary on my looks unless you're my lover. In which case I already know how you see me. I still make some of my living off my looks, not a beauty thing or an age thing - an 'interesting' thing. I, too, find comments like that annoying and inappropriate.

AmiSue Level 8 July 11, 2018
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WOW

1

I also do not look my age. 20 years younger is the usual comment. If you resent it you need a good come back. It is better than them saying, "Gee . You're overdo for your face lift." If you were of African descent you would say as we do here in the US "black don't crack".

Countrywoman Level 8 July 11, 2018
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1

No one ever tells me I look good for my age, so I'm a bit envious.

Hermit Level 7 July 11, 2018
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You're cute, shut up.

@Donotbelieve Aw, you're too kind.

@Hermit Trust me, I am not.

@Hermit. May be because everyone your age is just as gloriously Adonis handsome and you are no exception.

Edited
0

I don't think it has anything to do with a predetermined "what you should look like" at a certain age. I think people of a certain age look in general around the age they are. So if you look older or younger than what you revile in my opinion it's a normal reaction to say something about it. But most people aren't mean so when you look older "to them" they will generally not say anything because it's unnecessarily a rude comment. But when you look younger they feel the need to be nice and say something nice. All my opinion obviously.😉

JeremiahAustin Level 2 July 12, 2018
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0

Well, ultimately - the person making the comment is the one with the feelings: like envy, or low self worth or whatever. But their brain thinks it's you, so that's how it comes out. The reality is the lazy human brain doesn't want to process the complexities of things like self worth and empowerment, it would rather just be incredulous at how youthful you might look. So.... it's on them, and I have learned from my past not to own others' feelings. Of course none of that actually is helpful, because those scenarios just recur. If it was me, I might say to that person "I felt disrespected when you commented on my age." You're owning your feelings and giving the other person a chance to reflect on their words or actions. If you were to point at them and say "you made.me feel like this," that person will likely feel blamed and shut down, and be doomed to repeat it all.again...and you will not have owned your feelings. Ownership of feelings. Huge deal IMO.

Unicornyish Level 2 July 12, 2018
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0

40 something women aren't supposed to look bad or ugly but usually by the time any of us, men or women, are in our forties we have allowed ourselves to drop off. People quit exercising and don't really put any effort in to their health so over a 40 + year life most people are looking worse than they should be. It is a huge compliment for someone to recognize your efforts in maintaining a lifestyle that has preserved your youth so well.

jorj Level 7 July 12, 2018
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I don’t know. It still doesn’t settle well with me. I think people in professional situations just should not be making these kinds of comments unless somehow there is relevance.

@graceylou I think that most people don't over analyze things like that and just see it as a way to say u look good. I'll take any comp!mentality no matter how many negative connotations I could come up with from it. Generally speaking people don't give the backhand complements on purpose as a way to belittle anyone although a small percentage do. U are a beautiful woman and the age cathces them off guard so it is more of a programmed response thanit is anything else.

@graceylou I usually get "I would have thought u were older by looking at u" because I am goin grey at a young age. I would love to hear I look good for my age over the "u look about 10 years older" that I usually get.

@jorj Awwww. I’m sorry people say that to you. I think I might be senstive when it comes to comments on appearance. There is so much more to a person than what’s on the outside. I sense it as not only am I being judged, but other women/people are being judged based on age and appearance as well.

@graceylou I just tell them I'm like the silverback ape. I'm the alpha male so I am displaying my dominance. I don't allow anyone the power to ruin my day with things like that. I have a whole different mindset than most people I meet and always find a positive in everything.

I'm coming up to 41, and yes, I'm chubby, but I don't see the point in fat-shaming.

@ShuMei2018 where do I fat shame on this post?

@jorj

"allowed ourselves to drop off"

"looking worse than they should be"

So asking how I fat shamed on this post was worthy of me being blocked with no response....lmao. WTF?!?!?!? Is this really the tactic these people think will help their cause?

0

That's a compliment that I only get when I'm clean shaven (that's not often). The gray in my beard gives me away and makes me look older than I am. I'm okay with that.
As far as compliments go, it's not bad at all. Some people don't age well at all. You have good genes and probably live a healthy life. Run with with it lady.

onthefire Level 6 July 11, 2018
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May be I just tend to feel altruistic? I don’t like the idea that all women my age are expected to not look good, but with a few exceptions allowed. I feel like I need to put on my Wonder Woman outfit and defend my people.

0

Maybe there's a better way to say it. I think that there's a lot in that compliment. It probably includes sentiments about your beauty, the fact that you are aging well, the fact that it's impressive and contrary to our expectations culturally. There's probably even a little jealousy. But I think what I'm hearing is that those aren't things you personally want to be complimented on. Does that sound like a fair description? I see posts in this thread of those who do want those compliments. So, what's a good way to tell the difference? Should we ask permission before we give compliments?

Humanistheathen Level 6 July 11, 2018
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I think just “you look young for your age” is more acceptable although in a professional situation it’s probably best not to say anything unless it affects the professional transaction. “You look good for your age” just doesn’t sit well. I understand a person my age on average would show certain signs of age, but there is no implication that it’s necessarily a bad thing. So just saying “You look young for your age” doesn’t bother me as much.

0

I get your point but I will add that often a woman to woman comment about looks and age seems to be about projection i.e. they hope to be as good looking/young looking at your age. That won't change your opinion I know.

Little story: I also look young for my age. When purchasing alcohol at a store there was a sign that said if you don't look 42 (twice 21) then you will be carded. The teller jokingly asked, are you older than 42? pointing the card. I said absolutely (grin)! Then she said, older than 48? I said I'm pushing 55.... I think she was coming on to me I realized much later... She looked like a beaten up 65 y.o.... Now I wonder if she was signaling she was an available 48 y.o. ?!

Lukian Level 8 July 11, 2018
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