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I'm 29, living in Texas where most, if not all of my peers have had children. Even when I was married, I actively prevented pregnancy. The majority of people in my life believe I never want to have children, as I speak quite hesitantly about the idea of having them.

This is false. I would love to have a child but only in the right circumstances. I thought being married may have changed my mind, but it didn't and the reality is, on some level, I must have known that my former marriage wasn't the right circumstance either. 8 years of my life were spent building with someone who had failure to launch from his family unit, still heavily depended on them financially (even when employed and making good money), and who could never quite figure out how to be my husband over being their son. How could I raise an independent child with someone who wasn't interested in standing on their own?

Now, it feels like everyone has a child and I'm not convinced I'm interested in raising a child I didn't create. This seems hypocritical as I have two godchildren (lol) that if their mother passes, I will happily raise them, so being in a relationship with me comes with that possibility.

I'm still navigating my feelings on the matter and I'm not sure if I'll ever have children of my own, or if I'd feel comfortable dating a man who has children. I suppose it all depends on the circumstances.

Nerdyowltx 5 July 29

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29 comments

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4

Your life and your body are yours. As pressed as you may feel by social expectations, decisions like this are yours to make, period. Should you honestly change your mind some day, fine. But it is YOUR life & YOUR decision. And your timetable is your own as well.

4

Not having children is a freedom that few people understand. It literally means that you can make career choices 100% that are right for you and your advancement as a human. Take the opportunity to keep getting education, travel, and make the smartest career decisions possible! Embrace your freedom and don't worry what others say!

You may find the book "Memoirs of Hadrian" (the Roman emperor) by Marguerite Yourcenar helpful. Hadrian never married and had no offspring.

3

You’ve been through quite a lot. I hope you realize that you are still a young woman and there is plenty of time to find the right partner to start a family with if you still desire. I got married when I was 27 and didn’t have my first child until I was 34. It was very important to me that we be homeowners, have traveled and had no regrets before we started a family. I’m 47 now with a 12 and 14 year old and incredibly active.
The old way of getting married at 20, pregnant right away and living happily ever after is a rarity. There’s many ways to build a beautiful family.

3

I have three children, they are terrifying . One is 18 and that is no less scary than when she was an infant . Live your life , follow your dreams . If it happens it happens.

teenagers are terrifying indeed.

3

You've plenty of time. My stepdaughter, 30 years old just had her first. Same kind of story as yours. First husband wasn't right. New husband is. So, my "old man" suggestion is, relax. Enjoy finding the right guy. It will happen.

3

There is a Childfree group on here....if you haven't joined, you should 🙂

Even if I'm still wishy washy? I'm obviously actively free, actively preventing, and with no plans on children anytime soon

@Nerdyowltx Then come let us convince you 100% not to have crotchfruit! LOL

2

I can relate to you on do many levels. I think you're right in being cautious.. And I think you're absolutely right in wanting a guy who stands on his own in his marriage to you, without his family meddling and asking him for money and favors on a regular basis... I also don't have any kids and I do understand what you mean by not wanting to get involved with someone that does. I think it's fair that you want the experience of being a parent to be new to you and your partner because that's how I feel too. Anyway, I don't have any advice, but I just think that you're doing the right thing in waiting. Finding someone you love and that is equally committed to you will be hard, but just hang in there.

2

Personally I think it’s a good idea that you wait. I’m pretty sure you’ll know when you have someone that demonstrates they’ll be there and you’re not alone in raising the child.

PaulD Level 5 July 29, 2018
2

you,re 29 still years to figure this shit out hopefully

weeman Level 7 July 29, 2018
2

You are very smart person. Follow your logical thinking and do not get influenced by surroundings who will take no responsibility. That includes in majority of cases husband. There is nothing wrong not wanting children. My wife #2 had a very hard time getting the tubes tied at 22. Even the professionals were doing all they could to stop her. Some people are natural parents and I admire them. Many should have children confiscated, but why the society needs to take care?

2

I am 62. When I was young I wasn't sure if I wanted children or not. If I did have them I wanted to be the right circumstances as you say. I didn't want to abort a child, I didn't want to raise one without the financial means that I thought was necessary, and I wanted to be mentally healthy. I also wanted to be in a solid marriage that was going to last. I had a couple of relationships by the time I was 27 and I thought maybe I don't really want children after all. At 34 I did marry a man who had two children and that was fun. Except for his ex-wife who was from hell. I never did end up having children and I really don't regret it at all. I'm not sure I wanted to bring a child up in this world or to have my genes. I think it's better to bring them up in the relationship that you're confident with or if you choose to bring it up by yourself where you're confident with it and not just have them because you're supposed to.

2

Life is not a cookie-cutter set of haves and have-nots. Ive learned, sometimes quickly, sometimes feeling like kicking and screaming, that we all have our own path to follow. We build trust in those who dont, or don't try to betray us. Hurt comes whether we like it or not and we have to whether the storms and pick our minds, hearts and heads up and keep going up.

Sorry, l just reread this and it came out trite and full of platitudes. I do mean it though. Ive spent pieces of my life in a hole, finally working my way back up to alive and happy for lack of a better term. I wish you growth, peace and happiness. You're already beautiful. I have to stop now, l almost launched another platitude at you. Smile for yourself and send one my way. Rick

2

Stick to your guns. When it's right you will be the first to know. It is quite a fucked up world to bring someone into. Biggest challenge of your life is producing a life. I commend you!

1

Lol why was he asking for money if he made good money?

He didn't have to ask. And it's hard to get someone to depend on the family unit you are trying to create together when the resources their parents can offer are substantial. Not to mention, addiction and the struggle of mental health. There were a lot of factors in play. He's a good man, with two completely good career paths he went to school for, but failure to launch is failure to launch. And it ruined our partnership.

1

If you think you want children, by all means have them. If you don't want them, then don't have them. This is a time dependent issue, so if you wait too long, it won't happen. On the other hand, having one may convince you to either not have another or want more. It is too bad that we really can't predict which it will be. Unfortunately, no one can give you advice on something so personal. What you will get -- already apparent -- are opinions or some pushing their personal agendas.

So here's the only advice that has any value: Make your decision and follow through.

1

Always do what feels right for you

1

It's not for me to say, you are young enough to figure out what you want to do, and if you decide on having children, then cool! I have 3 children, two of which are adults, my youngest is 17. I don't regret it at all, I wouldn't change a thing. I have had custody of my son's since 2009, my ex-wife is mentally ill, so the state placed the children with me after she had custody for two years (we didn't know of her mental illness when we divorced).

I am 54 years old, I have no desire to have more children, they are a huge responsibility, and as far as dating a woman with kids goes, that would depend on a number of factors, how I feel about her, age of the kids, etc. It might sound shitty, but I don't want to be "step-dad" (actually I don't plan to be married ever again); I also don't expect any woman to be my son's step-mother.

At my age, companions can be companions without added bullshit.

1

If and when you start down the road to pregnancy,the foundation of good nutrition,vitamins,and high intake of calcium,should insure a healthy child. If not,the developing child will take it's needed Calcium from your bones and teeth,weakening them,almost as having a parasite.....

Well, that's beautiful ?

@Nerdyowltx I didn't marry until 43 due to low paying jobs and my wife was sterilized after her 3rd child,so my chances came and went,here I am at 71 wondering what kind of father I might have been... Lost her to cancer 10 months ago, 27 years was a nice long time.

1

I know and understand how you feel. I'm at the same crossroad myself being 29 and looking around at everyone else with their children. I've even passed the threshold where all of my siblings first had theirs and they, for the most part, had theirs in the late 20's. My biggest dream in life is to be in a happy committed marriage with beautiful children of my own. Nothing in this world would make me happier. My biggest fear would be that this never happens. I'm terrified of the thought of hitting 40 and my dream not becoming a reality. I haven't lost hope yet. There are still plenty of single people out there that don't have children that have the same dream I do. My only roadblock at this point is trying to find someone whose ideas and mentality match that of my own. I can't speak for your feelings but in my case I tell myself to stay calm, enjoy life and all it's happy moments, but stay vigilant in pursuing my dream.

I'm not sure I see marriage as an ideal or necessary step. Again, still navigating my thoughts.

@Nerdyowltx Marriage doesn't have to be a necessary step it's just something that I would want in my case. It makes things a little easier in the eyes of the law and also gives that much more of a notion that i'm committed. My cousin and her partner have been together for at least 7 years and are not married. They're trying to have their first .

1

By 37 I decided to get my tubes tied because I was sure I didn't want to have any children of my own. It sure made sex a whole lot more fun. If you are sure you don't want any children I suggest having it done.

1

Too many people take having children too lightly. The world would be a much better (and less crowded) place if more people followed your example. At 7.5 billion we are, by some estimates, beyond the long-term carrying capacity by factor of five. In population dynamics, what goes up must come down. Throw climate change into the equation and the probability of a crash is magnified a hundredfold.

@iamjc
There are still people around the world having families with 10 or 12 kids.

1

You seem to be reaching out for advice with this post, although you're not asking directly. This is a very personal thing and the "right" answer is whatever you believe is best for YOU. As I said in the other, similar post about dating someone with kids; my preference now is no kids, but mainly because I've been there and done that already (I have a 26 year old and a 16 year old, so I'm mostly done with the raising of children) and I'm not terribly excited about starting over, or resuming from the halfway mark. However, all that shit would go out the window if I met someone with whom I felt that deep, passionate, love you more than anything connection. For me, love is a very irrational thing that defies logic.

0

I didn't want or have children, but wanted a family. I married a woman with two children, and we reared them. There are ups and downs, but overall it was one of the best things I've done with my life.

Not everyone should get married or attempt to care for children. There are many ways to screw up and and some have bad affects on the children. My mother married five times, and chose losers every time. I believe I suffered PTSD by the age of four. I had nightmares of being killed until I was about 15. The men she chose were awful towards me. No child should endure such things; yet, I think it is common.

0

Yoh!, how easy it is to just wake up and utter your feelings about kids (having them or not)... some people have rights superior to those of others. I welcome myself to your world.

Curious as to what you mean.

0

It really depends on the parenting habits of the other individual. It’s remarkable how much that effects the attitudes of children.

Marz Level 7 July 30, 2018
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