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When I was married, it bothered my husband that I didn’t “need” him I always thought he should've been flattered.

Anne209 6 Aug 5
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21 comments

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11

I like to be wanted over needed. Prefer to date an independent woman who has her own life, beliefs, opinions, hobbies and friends. The only version of dating that seems interesting is a joining of equals.

Absolutetly!

Agreed. And if I'm being totally honest, It bothered me so much that my ex made herself totally dependent on me for everything. Quite literally she threw her arms up in the air and said, you make enough money, I'm quitting my job.

Yeah, Really annoying.

8

One of the things I said to my ex not long before I made him leave was "if I gotta do it all myself, what the fuck do I need you for?" He had no answer.

Interesting. My husband needed to feel needed, but I did all the damm work. Needless to say, the marriage didn't last.

7

Independence is attractive.

Marz Level 7 Aug 5, 2018

Yes it is! For both men and women.

7

neediness = relationship death

6

Did you ever read Kahlil Gibran's book The Prophet. It is kinda religious, but lots of good stuff in it. On Marriage he wrote:
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Beautiful!

A great poet indeed!

Some of my wedding clients have asked me to read that excerpt and more, describing spaces in their togetherness.

6

I enjoy being independent. I don't want to "need" anybody, but I love it when I can appreciate somebody. I think a lot of people feel they need to be needed, to be valuable, but I don't want to be needed, just appreciated.

6

Mine was the same way. He hated that I didn't need him. I think he hated how much he needed me more.

sounds like he had a bit of a 1950's mindset

@Xena I wish. He had sunk into a deep depression. He wasn't functional.

5

So true. How nice that someone does not need you but still wants you. Just for being you!

5

Independence is undervalued, despite all those who bang on about "personal
responsibility".
Being independent is the ultimate in personal responsibility.

I have no interest in "completing" anyone. Nor do I need to be "completed" by anyone else.
Be a whole person. Be able to give of your whole self, without needing to
be dependent, or even inter-dependent, and without it depleting who you are.

5

It takes a strong man to handle a strong woman. And the definition of a strong man is not necessarily one that takes care of her. Rather he has to be strong enough to allow her to be her own independent person.

There are still plenty of people who work well in a codependent relationship and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Men like to take care of women. Women like to take care of men. But when you have a mismatch of two people who don't have the same idea of how independent they need to be, you can't really place blame but rather try to understand and move forward together or separate with this knowledge.

Hihi Level 6 Aug 5, 2018

Absolutely. Everything seemed fine before we were married. What I didn't know is he thought I would "change my mind" after we were married. The whole experience was baffling to me.

(shaking my head over the idea of some man ''allowing me to be my own independent person.)

@Anne-95209 My ex was fine with me being independent for our whole marriage. He didn't need me and I didn't need him. But when I wanted out all of a sudden he didn't like that at all! Suddenly my 'independence' was not allowed and I was genuinely in shock that I was not allowed to make the decision to go. Apparently he needed me a lot more than I needed him. I think that surprised him as well.

I don't agree that a man has to be "strong" to be with a strong woman...he just needs to have evolved.

5

A manicure on these hands would be such a wast of money.

3

People show love in different ways. It's not always the way the other person needs.

Some men show it by "doing" for you.
I've been thanked for letting someone "do" for me. It was rather a shock, but thinking back it's happened before. The "I'll do for you". Deeply ingrained in many men.
I'm ok with that. It's when I'm talking about something that they think THEY have to "fix" it that bothers me, when I'm just talking, or asking advice. sigh

@Stevil I was married to a "not handy" guy for almost 20 years so having handy guys around is a whole new ballgame.
Having actually been barked at for not mentioning something deemed critical/safety hazard have some catching up to do.

But yeah, let me vent, if you(global) are interested in really helping just say so "hey let me know if you want xyz done" instead of roaring "You SHOULD HAVE LET ME DO THE THING~!"
Uh ok dude, that's like boyfriend stuff? You're not my bf? Oh wait.... hmm idk

@Stevil well see when I said "we" that meant pay someone to do it LOL
And yes I was roared at once for not realizing I needed brakes. And again not long ago for not letting someone roll around on the ground to put a spare tire back in a T&C.

I can see your snark! She probably didn't want ot come off like a nag w/the "we" but she managed to anyway.

3

At this very moment, while I'm reading these, I have an oldies station on, and the song "You Belong to Me" just came on.

Oh my. How it all began ...

3

If only...

3

I've had a few men that really appreciated my independence, and others that were simply befuddled by it ( "you changed your own oil" !!? ) , and possibly even disturbed by it - not feeling that they could step in and save me somehow ...

I didn't want them for that !

2

I don't want to be needed. I want to be wanted.

2

Define independent. Financially independent? Socially independent? Or emotionally independent or all?

In my case, all. I was living a fine life before I even met him. The upside to that is I was able to live a fine life after he left.

@Anne-95209 Some people would take advantage of that and make you pay for everything...

@UrsiMajor I did a lot of that. But, I only have myself to blame for that mistake.

@Anne-95209 I remember telling my ex very early in our relationship that I was fine before he came along and I'll be fine after he leaves. Sure enough, I am.

Like the song goes "Got along without cha before I met cha, gonna get along without cha now...."

2

...quality vs quantity is important
I was together 15 yrs-. first
3-4 (honeymoon)-bond to accomplish
goals 4-8then your on the same page(life paths);;or for different
aspirations ?

what happened from 9-15?

@Xena she moved to establish
her daughters apt.+ take care of
grandson

1

My ex did the same thing. When she did something, i had to go rather than leaving her to her activities

1

...quality vs quantity is important
I was together 15 yrs-. first
3-4 (honeymoon)-bond to accomplish
goals 4-8then your on the same page(life paths);;or for different
aspirations ?

0

I don’t get why saying ‘I need you’ is such a bad thing. However saying ‘you need me’ is pompous and unattractive. Still, it doesn’t stop me from actually stepping in and offering help where needed.

Nardi Level 7 Aug 6, 2018
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