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When I was married, it bothered my husband that I didn’t “need” him I always thought he should've been flattered.

By Anne2096
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25 comments

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11

I like to be wanted over needed. Prefer to date an independent woman who has her own life, beliefs, opinions, hobbies and friends. The only version of dating that seems interesting is a joining of equals.

100% agree

Absolutetly!

Agreed. And if I'm being totally honest, It bothered me so much that my ex made herself totally dependent on me for everything. Quite literally she threw her arms up in the air and said, you make enough money, I'm quitting my job.

Yeah, Really annoying.

8

One of the things I said to my ex not long before I made him leave was "if I gotta do it all myself, what the fuck do I need you for?" He had no answer.

Interesting. My husband needed to feel needed, but I did all the damm work. Needless to say, the marriage didn't last.

8

I think some people just need to feel needed. Men and women can be this way. It's not a bad thing, it's just how some humans are. Frankly, I like having friends and loved ones who are giving and generous during those times when I feel needy. At some point, we will all feel lost and lonely. How wonderful that we can be both independent and needy, and know that being human allows us to experience and appreciate both.

All people need to feel needed at some times, for some reasons. I couldn't handle it being all the time for all reasons, especially since that had never been part of our relationship before marriage. He thought marriage would change me (his words). It would've been nice for me to know he thought that before we tied the knot.

7

Independence is attractive.

Marz Level 7 Aug 5, 2018

Yes it is! For both men and women.

7

neediness = relationship death

7

Mine wanted me to be high maintenance. I thought he was crazy.

I have heard that from friends of mine. The met these men but the men moved on because they weren't high maintenance enough. It's like they wanted to impress them with the money that they made.

@Bierbasstard Well, he's got a drama queen, high maintenance gf now. My kids mock her. It's slightly funny.
Slightly terrible.

6

Did you ever read Kahlil Gibran's book The Prophet. It is kinda religious, but lots of good stuff in it. On Marriage he wrote:
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Beautiful!

A great poet indeed!

Some of my wedding clients have asked me to read that excerpt and more, describing spaces in their togetherness.

6

I enjoy being independent. I don't want to "need" anybody, but I love it when I can appreciate somebody. I think a lot of people feel they need to be needed, to be valuable, but I don't want to be needed, just appreciated.

Julie808 Level 7 Aug 5, 2018
6

Mine was the same way. He hated that I didn't need him. I think he hated how much he needed me more.

sounds like he had a bit of a 1950's mindset

@Xena I wish. He had sunk into a deep depression. He wasn't functional.

5

So true. How nice that someone does not need you but still wants you. Just for being you!

5

Independence is undervalued, despite all those who bang on about "personal
responsibility".
Being independent is the ultimate in personal responsibility.

I have no interest in "completing" anyone. Nor do I need to be "completed" by anyone else.
Be a whole person. Be able to give of your whole self, without needing to
be dependent, or even inter-dependent, and without it depleting who you are.

KKGator Level 9 Aug 5, 2018
5

I think a lot of relationships are formed on the basis of canceling each others weakness. Filling in the holes to make them whole. I'd like to have a relationship where we brought out each others strengths. Lift each other up to a higher point of view.

5

A manicure on these hands would be such a wast of money.

3

People show love in different ways. It's not always the way the other person needs.

Some men show it by "doing" for you.
I've been thanked for letting someone "do" for me. It was rather a shock, but thinking back it's happened before. The "I'll do for you". Deeply ingrained in many men.
I'm ok with that. It's when I'm talking about something that they think THEY have to "fix" it that bothers me, when I'm just talking, or asking advice. sigh

Qualia Level 8 Aug 5, 2018

Guys want to fix things. It takes many years to learn to STFU and just listen, and/or understand women most times are just venting. Unless it's a conversation about needing to get under the house and check the plumbing or insulation etc... then we have to put our big boy panties on and man up and deal with the creepy crawly things under the house, or attic crawl spaces, dead critters in the yard, manure for the flower beds or garden. All the gross shit that needs to be done, or turning the brats former bedroom into a den and new bathroom. Then we need to fix shit.

@Stevil I was married to a "not handy" guy for almost 20 years so having handy guys around is a whole new ballgame.
Having actually been barked at for not mentioning something deemed critical/safety hazard have some catching up to do.

But yeah, let me vent, if you(global) are interested in really helping just say so "hey let me know if you want xyz done" instead of roaring "You SHOULD HAVE LET ME DO THE THING~!"
Uh ok dude, that's like boyfriend stuff? You're not my bf? Oh wait.... hmm idk

@Qualia Should have! Roared or not is one of my least favorite expressions ever. Being a redneck engineer, it bothers me on a metaphorical and metaphysical level to pay another person to do something that I'm completely capable and many times more qualified to do.
" Dear, WE need to put a phone extension in the basement. "WE" means i have to do it. I didnt mind doing something like that. The thing that irked me was just say what you mean and say " i want you to do INSERT TASK HERE. My normal response to a should have is" Miss Cleo is still in jail, when her psychic hotline opens up again I can call and make sure! " I m a snarky shit to be around most times.

@Stevil well see when I said "we" that meant pay someone to do it LOL
And yes I was roared at once for not realizing I needed brakes. And again not long ago for not letting someone roll around on the ground to put a spare tire back in a T&C.

I can see your snark! She probably didn't want ot come off like a nag w/the "we" but she managed to anyway.

3

At this very moment, while I'm reading these, I have an oldies station on, and the song "You Belong to Me" just came on.

Oh my. How it all began ...

3

If only...

3

I've had a few men that really appreciated my independence, and others that were simply befuddled by it ( "you changed your own oil" !!? ) , and possibly even disturbed by it - not feeling that they could step in and save me somehow ...

I didn't want them for that !

2

My wife and I do what we can to meet both our own and each other's emotional needs.

2

Yeah, same here. My ex towards the end of our marriage was saying the same thing. I would still be at a loss for words how to respond to that comment.

Stevil Level 8 Aug 5, 2018
2

Define independent. Financially independent? Socially independent? Or emotionally independent or all?

In my case, all. I was living a fine life before I even met him. The upside to that is I was able to live a fine life after he left.

@Anne-95209 Some people would take advantage of that and make you pay for everything...

@UrsiMajor I did a lot of that. But, I only have myself to blame for that mistake.

@Anne-95209 I remember telling my ex very early in our relationship that I was fine before he came along and I'll be fine after he leaves. Sure enough, I am.

Like the song goes "Got along without cha before I met cha, gonna get along without cha now...."

2

...quality vs quantity is important
I was together 15 yrs-. first
3-4 (honeymoon)-bond to accomplish
goals 4-8then your on the same page(life paths);;or for different
aspirations ?

BBJong Level 7 Aug 5, 2018

what happened from 9-15?

@Xena she moved to establish
her daughters apt.+ take care of
grandson

1

My ex did the same thing. When she did something, i had to go rather than leaving her to her activities

1

I don't want to be needed. I want to be wanted.

Sticks48 Level 9 Aug 7, 2018
1

...quality vs quantity is important
I was together 15 yrs-. first
3-4 (honeymoon)-bond to accomplish
goals 4-8then your on the same page(life paths);;or for different
aspirations ?

BBJong Level 7 Aug 5, 2018
0

I don’t get why saying ‘I need you’ is such a bad thing. However saying ‘you need me’ is pompous and unattractive. Still, it doesn’t stop me from actually stepping in and offering help where needed.

Nardi Level 7 Aug 6, 2018
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