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I have a friend with a drinking problem. I've been aware that she's struggling with it recently but she's never opened up to me about it. I'm also aware that she drives drunk. I've figured that if she doesn't trust me to tell me the truth, I should just stay out of it but I don't want her to hurt anyone. Suggestions?

Edited to add: The police have been called on her already. Apparently, she's able to deal with them without them realizing she's drunk. I happened to show up as she was talking to the police one time. Apparently someone had called reporting that they'd seen her vehicle weaving around on the road. Another time I became aware of it after the fact. I would call the police and just ask them to keep it anonymous if I had the opportunity but on the other hand, if I knew beforehand that she was planning to drive drunk, I'd stop it from happening in the first place.

UpsideDownAgain 7 Aug 22
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21 comments

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6

My friend Mija was almost killed by an alcoholic like that. She's gone from an amazing well loved teacher to the mental capacity of a 2 year old. Her husband left her, she's dead in her kids minds, her mother is now her caregiver and it's just heartbreaking.

That guy did zero time and is still drinking and driving, despite destroying the entire life of someone worth 30 of him.

Some people can change, some will kill others and keep going. Most will die before they stop.

I used to feel sorry for those people but after Mija I have no sympathy.

5

Public safety overrides trust. I know you know this, but if she plows into a car with children in it, you will never forgive yourself. Also, as a healthcare provider, I just admitted a patient to the hospital for detox and he's so bad off that even our best meds won't stop him from seizing. You could be the one person who stops her from killing herself or someone else.

You're right that I would feel really bad if she hurt someone. But the main problem is what can I do? She's straight up lied to me about it. I'm not sure how I would convince her to stop.

@Meili You can't convince her to stop. You can, however, see that she doesn't have the opportunity to hurt others. If you know she's behind the wheel when she's been drinking, call the cops on her drunk ass. THAT is your obligation.

3

Intervention.

3

Others have already said this but to reinforce: Call the cops on her!

It's best if it can be done anonymously. Unfortunately it seems too many police departments have big mouths.

But yes, if she is breaking the law, call the police. When word gets back, all you can do is keep emphasizing if she had not broken the law, what you did would not have mattered.

Not sure if OP posted the edit part before your comment, but the cops came out and essentially did nothing. Not surprising, shes a woman, cops were probably guys, and say what you want, I've seen and experienced the sexism of LEO and the justice system multiple times - first hand. Calling the cops might get them to come out, but no guarantee they will do anything...then you just killed any chance of helping her, or more importantly, being in a position to know when/how to help others from her dangerous actions b/c she shut you out of her life.

@jondspen If you see an illegal situation and do not report it, then you are an accessory to the crime. .... I think it would be an interesting thing if when the cops choose to do nothing, then they are charged with being an accessory .... very interesting indeed. Naturally, then you would have to be paranoid when near any police presence ... seems there's a down side to everything.

@Normanbites so if I'm walking down the street and see a person getting mugged, or a bank being robbed, I am criminally liable and an accessory to the crime if I don't call it in? If I am at the scene and refuse to make a statement to the police, I am arrested for accessory and/or obstruction of justice? No...that's not how it works. The only people I know that are legally required to intervene are medical professional during an emergency.

But I understand your argument. My point is the cops came out and didn't consider a crime had occurred, or didn't think the crime was bad enough to warrant them filing the paperwork and making an arrest. So the cops say "no crime", but you just got labeled as an over-reacting snitch. And in the real world, cops selectively chose what laws to enforce and on whom to enforce them. It's not right, but it's the way society is and you have to understand that in order to operate, survive, and be included. Being a boy scout Dudley Do Right all the time is a sure way to be alone with no friends b/c everyone considers you a pompous goodie goodie ass.

Again, not saying it's right...just saying it is what it is.

@jondspen I'm pretty sure if you see a crime being committed and do nothing to stop or report them you can be charged as an accessory to the crime or at least obstructing justice. But I'm sure the discretion of the law enforcement factors in as well.

In any case, if I see my brother robbing a bank, I'm dialing 911.

@Normanbites I just did a google search and other than very specific circumstances in 1 or 2 states, you can't be charged. Out of the top 4 google returns, and comments from actual practicing lawyers at the link below, the simple answer is no www.avvo.com (Is it a crime, not to report a crime, if a person knows about it and is silent). Granted, this link only covers federal and California state criminal law, but I'm sure NO states have these laws (minus the 1 or 2 concerning specific violence incidents - child abuse suspected by medical or educational personnel).

Please, if you are going to make statements about things, please research and provide proof, not just what you feel. There is enough disinformation being spouted around without adding to the noise. TY!

@jondspen Technically, yes, you would be an accessory to the crime. However, there are enough good people in the world that someone will report it. This means the Police will likely not be interested in prosecuting for your crime since they already have the information they need. However, if you were the only witness, somehow the police knew this and you would be the only source of information.

Then yes, you betcha. Obstruction of justice and rightfully so!

3

If you're really her friend, you have an obligation to call her out on her drinking.
ESPECIALLY if she's driving drunk.
If she won't talk to you, or acknowledge that she has a problem, and you know she's behind the wheel, you have to call the police and report her.
It's not an easy thing, and you're likely to lose her friendship (maybe permanently),
but she cannot be permitted to put other people's lives in danger.
If you know she's driving drunk, and you say nothing, and she hurts anyone, YOU bear some responsibility. Can you live with THAT?

2

Your friend is not going to stop drinking until she is ready. You cannot trust her to do the right thing...let me repeat 😀 YOU CANNOT TRUST HER TO DO THE RIGHT THING in her current state. No matter how she may try to convince you that you can. She is not capable of being trustworthy.
You, as her friend, have 2 choices; you can enable her drinking and her behavior, which will more than likely end up in the maiming or death of either herself or some innocent victim, or you can be a different friend and report her to the authorities when the opportunity (her actions) presents itself. If this is the option you go with then you need to tell her what your intentions are. You may very well lose her friendship if you choose to act.

I think you have to ask yourself which choice you can live with.

I have lived with the insidious nature of alcohol addiction my whole life (not me) with alcoholic parent, sibling and husband. What I have learned is that you cannot change the alcoholic and that it is destructive to all who are involved. In my opinion, and it is only my opinion but based on experience, you need to try and reduce that destruction by taking steps to keep her off the road drunk.

There is no easy solution to your problem, but alcoholism is not an easy issue to correct.

2

Well...I don't believe in going around snitching on people, but then again, I would feel bad if I did nothing and a friend ended up killing someone. Not as bad as they would, but still I would feel I was partly responsible.

Are you an enabler? Do you host holiday parties where she comes over and gets drunk and then leaves DWI? I wouldn't condone or support it in anyway, but also realize that you can only do so much beyond your own interactions with her.

Maybe a sit down, non-confrontational, but just voice your concerns about her health and future by engaging in this behavior. Also put in you're willingness to help her (if you are), say being a DD or a call up taxi from time to time to keep her off the road.

She "borrowed" my vodka once, informing me of it only afterward and telling me she used it to clean a stain from the carpet (I use it instead of rubbing alcohol.) I've kept a better eye on my alcohol since then.

@Meili ure fucking kidding me...right? ok...even if she isn't lying, taking, no stealing, relatively expensive alcohol as compared to baking soda, normal alcohol, or SOAP to clean a carpet stain is just....WOW. I just did a google search and yes, vodka can be used for cleaning around the house. Problem is, shit like that is something only an alcoholic would know IMHO. Much like you can take listerine mouth wash and sieve it through white bread and drink it - an alcoholic told me he would do that when he didn't have money for a bottle of actual liquor (also about using food extract, peppermint and vanilla are the big two if I remember correctly).

Sounds like your friend has real problems - and not just with the booze. You seem to have a big heart, be sure it doesn't get bigger than your head. Took me 40+ years to learn that lesson, many times the hard way after being burned.

@jondspen I'm not sure what you're talking about. I'm the one who taught her vodka can be used instead of rubbing alcohol. I use it because it doesn't stink like rubbing alcohol but works just as well. And we're good enough friends that her borrowing it wasn't a huge deal. But yeah, it does signal a pretty big problem with alcohol that she would feel the need to lie to me about it.

@Meili ok...my mistake. Just never heard of that, and in my experience knowledge of stuff like that is only known by those REALLY into the stuff. But I stand corrected...didn't mean to imply you got a problem since you know of that, just really seems odd to me, esp. on carpet. I don't even use OTC rug cleaner on my carpets without testing it in a hidden spot first, just in case it causes discoloration.

@jondspen Yeah, using it on a carpet was a pretty flimsy lie. I looked at the carpet and saw no trace of any cleaning having been done and it's doubtful that even alcohol could have removed the stain she mentioned.

2

If you’re close enough with her I’d confront her. Some don’t see or accept that they have a problem but most really just need understanding support. (I’m an alcoholic)

2

Her problem is all about her. She is the only one that can make her stop.

Just don't do anything to make it easy for her to do what she does and don't get in the way of the consequences of what she does.

If you try to stop her, you become the problem, in her eyes. If you help her, then she can't see the problem.

Just stay out of the way and be as kind as you can without doing those things.

No, she is not the "only one" who can make her stop.
The police can make her stop when they arrest her for DUI.
A judge can make her stop by sentencing her to prison.

Who cares if she thinks that you're the problem? Her judgment is faulty to
begin with. Of course she can't see the problem. She's actively engaging
her alcoholism. There is no way to be "kind" in these situations.
Anyone who thinks there is really doesn't have much experience with it.

@KKGator you would have to keep her in prison to keep her from drinking. I don't think that is stopping.

She only stops when she chooses not to drink, she is the only one that can do that. She will only do that when she sees she is the problem.

As long as she can claim you are brutilizing her, she will never get there.

Apparently, I have a lot more experience with it than you have. But hey, keep doing what you are doing, you will 'get it' sooner or later.

@Normanbites You're funny.

2

There is no "being gentle" with alcoholics or others with addictions issues.
That approach generally goes in one ear and out the other.
I've never seen it work, with anyone.

@Morganfreeman If someone is actively drinking and driving, time is a luxury most people do not have. Trying to be "loving and patient" is often a course of action that yields very little in the way of positive results.

I absolutely stand by my position on the matter. I have never experienced a gentle approach as being successful. I also accept that, "tough love" doesn't always work either, and we just have to let them go. Nobody lives forever.

@Morganfreeman Your uncle was the exception, and not the rule.
I'm not understanding your posts very well. It's difficult to discern your
intent. Are you defending the rights of alcoholics to endanger others?

2

I'd first do your home work and compile a list of doctors and/or clinics that provide services to people with substance abuse problems with names, addresses and phone numbers. I'd then approach your friend (when nobody's around), and bring up the issue, lovingly, in a supportive and caring way (not in an accusing way). Try to gain the person's confidence that you care about them and are trying to help. Point out the potential negatives and even tragedy that could occur. Leave them with the list and encourage them to call someone for help! Make it clear you remain their friend and will be there for them.

This is a fantastic answer. There's no easy way to handle this, but I think this would soften it. Whatever you decide, good luck!

Sorry, I completely disagree. While it's fine idea to compile a list of resources, she's STILL drinking and driving. There's also no guarantee she'd even be receptive to anything you have to say.
It's been my experience that those with substance abuse problems do not respond to "gentle" attempts at intervention. Like, AT ALL.
They are not in their "right minds". They are not likely to respond to rational efforts.

@PalacinkyPDX i agree plus if they kill some innocent person you have lost that friend anyway it would change the whole dynamic plus you would be carrying the guilt of knowing but doing nothing so you are complicit

1

When you have an issue with substance abuse it should be a private decision unfortunately everyone knows before you do. You may lose a friend but go ahead and let her know your observations and decision to call the police if you know she is drinking and driving

1

Its a dilemma, morally you should betray your friend and shop her to the cops before she maybe kills someone. In that respect Emerald [agnostic.com] is right. Morality is one thing friendship is another. You could leave it to fate whether she just gets pulled over or the other thing.
One thing you cannot do as a friend is nothing. If the situation continues as is, something will stop it. Ranging from a hefty fine and no licence, to jail time and a weight that will never leave her or anywhere in-between those two.. None of which a friend would want.
So what can you do? You say that she knows she has a problem. Okay she drinks, you know it she knows it, thats the start. Ask her if she would like a game of Russian roulette. (You don't have to have a revolver but it may be a good visual aid.) When she says no, ask her "if there were more empty chambers would it make a difference. 10, 20, 100, or 1,000. At what point does it become good odds to pull that trigger? How much do you need your car? Work family, friends, shopping imagine your life without it. Because that will happen eventually, just like the revolver. If your gonna drink, sack the car. For one thing you can enjoy a drink far better if you don't have to worry about getting caught DUI. Take a cab, ride a bus. Shit, if you carry on like this youll be riding them all the time anyway. Think of a cab ride as a sales tax on your drink.If you don't pay now, you pay more later." Then (and this is up to you) you could offer to help her is she is ever stranded. Either by picking her up or letting her get a cab to yours and lend her the fare.

I completely disagree. It's not a "dilemma" at all.
It's pretty clear what the right thing to do is.
There is nothing complicated about it.

1

I find it pretty appalling that anyone would suggest that "it's not my business" and "I'd stay out of it".

Some of you are not the people I had the impression you were.
Which is fine. I've been wrong about people before, and I'm sure I'll be again.
Better to know.

some people want their life to be easy i understand that but fck that for a way to live ive reported 2 people in the pub i drink in 1 i considered a friend but don't try and make me a bad person by default is my outlook on life now

@weeman Life is never "easy". I don't even understand why anyone would think that is possible? Personal integrity is all any of us actually have.
Turning a blind eye to anyone's wrong-doing is most definitely a demonstration of a LACK of personal integrity. Some things ARE black or white.

@KKGator yup and that is one of them if a friend wants to hurt themself fair do,s when you start involving innocent bystanders the friendship has already changed

I myself wouldn't say not my problem or stay out of it, but OP also need to be realistic about the effect she can have in friends life...esp when police have been called and didn't arrest (so now in her mind it isn't really a problem otherwise I would be in trouble). And if she gets charged, a woman in front of a judge for first time DUI is going to be treated with kid gloves compared to a man in most places in the US...and that's a statistical fact.

Just be realistic how much you can do about the situation, and the consequences of the actions you go with. I would keep in mind that she might end up killing or hurting your mom, sister, brother, nephew, close friend, or complete stranger. That's not to say it's your place to fix her, but it IS your place to do what VERY LITTLE you can to protect your loved ones from her irresponsible actions.

1

if she kills a kid or worse think how you will feel then act accordingly otherwise you are complicit in a horrible situation

1

If she's never opened up to you about it then she probably doesn't want to talk to you about it. For this I'd try to broach the subject and see if she wants to open up or not. If she doesn't then that's her choice and forcing her to talk isn't going to help, at least not without a coordinated intervention.

As far as her driving drunk is concerned, it sucks but watching her isn't your job and unless you're a police officer the public safety isn't your concern. She's not alone in driving drunk and cops routinely work on preventing and catching people who do. If you call the cops they won't do anything unless she's currently in a car behind the wheel and intoxicated. So you can stalk her if you'd like and wait until the moment when she starts and then call the cops, but that seems like a pretty dick move.

If you really care about her safety, focus on that. Go with her and make sure she gets home safely. If you can't go, make sure she knows you want to drive her home when she's done drinking. Offer to get her an Uber if you can't drive her, although there are some concerns over a drunk girl being taken advantage of by drivers.

In my opinion, if she knows you're worried about her and want to make sure she doesn't get hurt instead of trying to fix her alcoholism, that's a faster way for her to understand the impact her drinking has on the people in her life. Good Luck!

Thanks for offering advice that doesn't place all the responsibility on me. That actually really helps. I think I've done all I can but wish I could do more. I'm not able or willing to stalk her and would do everything I could to stop her from driving drunk if I knew beforehand that she was going to, including calling the police on her. You are right that there are plenty of police around watching for this behavior and they actually have more chance of catching her at it than I do.

By the way, she drinks at home and it's during the day that she tends to be driving drunk. No way for me to predict when it's going to happen.

@Meili Happy to help. It's tough if she's not looking for help to force it upon her. I'd just go back to trying to talk to her now and again but without a lot of pressure as she'll just withdraw if she feels it. Offer to help and make sure she knows you're there for her if she asks. Not a lot more I think you can do. I wish you and her luck.

1

Maybe, you could start by telling her that you would hate to have to visit her in prison! Because, if she has an accident and someone is killed, she will be charged with negligent homicide, and that will get her prison time! And, that you would hate to loose her in an accident or worse, see her suffer and be crippled for life (or know that someone else, has been put in that situation). You can only offer your help and plant information in her brain! But, if it is really hurtful for you, you may need to break off your friendship until she takes some real action to change her situation!

1

Tell her. I moved out of my sister's home because I got tired of seeing her drinking on a daily basis. They won't acknowledge the problem and the other problems that come with the territory. Scream it if you have to! Tell her, because it is not going to get any easier for you.

1

Talk to her in the morning when she is sober and hurting from a hangover. Don’t judge, don’t criticize because that will only build up her defenses. Come from a place of love and concern! Tell her that you are worried about her, that you don’t want to see her get hurt, or hurt someone else. Be patient, it may take a few difficult talks to get her to see that you are comadrona a place of love. Be persistent, but realize that it is a choice she has to make to get help. A detox may be needed, depending on her alcohol history and dependence upon alcohol, invite her to an AA meeting with you so she can see she is not alone.

I don’t recommend calling the cops unless you have offered to give a ride, for a cab, etc. and she refuses. Most drunks are too proud to say that they can’t drive home safely; that is the alcohol talking, not your friend. However, if she repeats the same bad behuand bad choice after you have given her a chance, then by all means it may be the consequence that pulls her out of her addiction?

Good luck.

Thanks. This sounds like a balanced approach.

0

You can try an intervention but she is in a resistant head space. Your choices? Stop enabling/maintaining a friendship and let her know why, maintain friendship but only doing sober activities....or stay quiet. Addiction is an insidious disorder.

OwlRN Level 4 Aug 23, 2018
0

I'm really surprised she has been reported as suspected drunk driving and was not tested.

Does she have connections in the community or something?

I'm surprised too. I didn't hear the whole conversation she had with the officer. I only heard her telling him that she was very tired and had been in a hurry. I wouldn't have thought she was drink either just by talking to her if it hadn't been for other incidents.

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