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RANT: When you have to ask for an apology and tell the offender exactly what to apologize for, it's not really an apology, is it?

My ex admits that he pushed me away for 13 years. He admits he maxed out my credit. He admits to hoarding. He admits to being unemployed for the last four years of our marriage. He also has the nerve to claim to be a "functional depressive" because our child always had food to eat and clean clothes to wear during that time. (The word "functional" means so much more to me than that.) He would not spend time with me, talk to me, or touch me. He was utterly neglectful. And I was dumb enough to think that I was smart enough and strong enough to make it work. I wasn't. No one could have been. And even though he could admit to all of this, it never occurred to him that he might owe me an apology. (I apologized for what I had done to him a long time ago.) And the other day, I asked him to apologize. He said, and I quote, "For what, pushing you away for 13 years?" And I said "Yes, and," and listed off the rest. He still has no idea what he put me through, and the apology I got was lame: "I'm sorry, I apologize." The end. I should know by now that I shouldn't expect anything from him, but I suppose I still have hope that someday he'll remember how decent people treat each other. He is not the man I married. The man I married was in touch with his emotions, and while he wasn't perfect, he was a good person. He had empathy. I'll never figure out what changed him. And I know I shouldn't expect anything from him, but I couldn't let this one go. I didn't intend to ask him for an apology, but it had been bothering me, and I brought it up against my own better judgment.

And honestly? I don't think I'll ever forgive him. I don't want to. I'll take the lessons I've learned and move on. We've been friendly lately, but I'm done. Every time we talk, I end up angry or upset. And he's oblivious, just like in our relationship. You can hit him over the head with information but you can't make him think. Just like you can't force a heartfelt apology.

I'm letting go, but I'm not forgiving him.

Nottheonlyone 7 Aug 29
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15 comments

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1

I can totally relate to your post.
I have let go but not forgiven and I am content with that. I do not need to forgive in order to move on. The toxicity of what happened is no longer a part of my life but he doesn't get to have my forgiveness.
'I know I shouldn't expect anything from him' hit the nail on the head. Letting go is a great decision on your part. All the best in your endeavor. 😀

Thank you, and I'm sorry you can relate.

@Nottheonlyone ohhh thanks for that, but it's all part of life I guess. 😀

1

It's so frustrating when the person you loved and married turns into someone so different you can barely recognize them anymore. That's what happened to me and my ex. She changed into a completely different woman over the course of our 20 years together. I think back to how she was when we met, dated, got married and compare it to how she is now and I'm at a loss to explain the severity of the metamorphosis. Sounds like you had to deal with the same thing.

Look, if he lacks the empathy and/or introspection to see his mistakes then an apology from him is meaningless. If it doesn't come from the heart, it's not worth having. I think you already know that which is why it's probably best that you've given up looking for it from him. My ex lied and cheated and still hasn't offered an apology for any of it so I no longer look for one.

I'd give anything to have my ex back the way she used to be as I'm sure you'd like your ex to be the man he was when you got married. Sadly, it's unlikely to happen.

1

Yeah, damn it!

lerlo Level 8 Aug 30, 2018
1

Let it all out. We can't do much but we can listen. Take care

0

I got fucked over too
I feel nothing other than love, compassion and understanding for how you feel, I have been there myself. I can brag about outliving. (Assholes.) Or how I proved their opinions wrong just by doing a lot better. Live on and don't give a shit about the assholes. Assholes only stink, they NEVER apologize. Love is what life means. Love makes no sense unless you make it who we are. It is all we are. It is there. Be love.
Kevin

1

I feel nothing other than love, compassion and understanding for how you feel, I have been there myself. I am a better person than the others I can brag about outliving. (Assholes.) Or how I proved their opinions wrong just by doing a lot better. Live on and don't give a shit about the assholes. Assholes only stink, they NEVER apologize. Love is there if you feel it. Love makes no sense unless you make it what we are. It is all you are.
Kevin

1

Why oh why are you wasting moments of your precious Only life on this? Any of it, even writing all you did. The past cannot be changed!
Every day, every minute you think about him, you are Not thinking about You, what you want, need, could have! Stop riding this awful merry-go-round, it is taking you Nowhere!

I had to think about this. And one thing I've learned is that you can only let go of the feelings you allow yourself to feel. So I'm feeling them with the intention of letting them go. You can't get off the merry-go-round without putting your foot in the stirrup.

@Nottheonlyone expecting an apology from anyone, for anything, is IMO a huge waste of time, plus does Nothing. I would get off such a self-made carousel even if i broke bones to do it, asap!!! Bones will heal, your mind will not, unless you shed the bonds of "yesterday" !

1

I really feel this. My ex was textbook emotionally abusive. He was controlling, manipulative, cruel, chronically dishonest, and willingly screwed me over any time that was the easiest way for him to get what he wanted- and he didn’t see any reason why hurting me should factor into his decision-making.

Since our divorce, he has only expressed remorse that it didn’t work out for him, not for the harm he did to me. So the closest to an apology was to say “I was immature” or “I screwed up.” No - you were an abusive bully. As frustrating as that is, I realize that if he had the emotional capacity to feel remorse for harming me, he would not have continued to do so for many years.

Solidarity!

I'm sorry you went through that. I understand completely.

I feel for you. The human mind is complicated. Some people have different chemicals in their brain. It is not really their fault. I think I might be abnormal because I have empathy and love. everybody is severely fucked-up other than themselves

1

I understand this and I don't blame you. I might feel like that too if it happened to me.

On the other hand, I'm not working towards any goals except maybe staying alive a bit longer. I'm not bettering myself or going to school, and I'm not trying to become who I ought to be. I work and I draw SS too. I'm reclusive but lonely, and I prefer to live alone. The exciting days of my life have passed.

Maybe you already are who you're supposed to be.

@Nottheonlyone I'm either Super Chicken or Secret Squirrel. 🙂

1

People do weird things and I think a lot of it is tied to mental illness. My Ex tried to destroy me in every way possible, financially, emotionally and even physically but she still called me up to ask my opinion about the guy who had just proposed to her and she ultimately married because . . . . I was the only person in the world that she really trusted. Logic escapes some people, their emotions rule them for good or bad and there is often nothing you can do about it except encourage them to get professional help.
The last words I heard from my Ex were about 20 years ago in a crowded courtroom, she turned to me and fixed me with a hate filled stare and then said 'Why did you have to fuck me like a whore'. I was so surprised by her statement that I was speechless, I always thought that I had fucked her just the way she liked it at least based upon her physical and emotional response. My current wife responded on my behalf and told her that she really needed to seek professional help. The hard part is to not blame yourself for any more than you yourself are responsible for, just deal with that part and leave their part in it for them to clean up themselves.

I tried to get him to see a therapist, or even just a GP. He had no interest at all until I told him I wanted a divorce. Then he told me he would not move out until we tried marriage therapy. Suddenly, he became very interested in therapy.

I hope your ex got her shit together. She sounds... unhinged.

@Nottheonlyone I took some courses on the subject later in life and one of the things that became clear is that people with mental illnesses tend to seek out supportive people to enable themselves. It's not a malicious thing but a survival thing but the enabler pays a high price for trying to be the one that can 'fix' the person with the mental illness.

@Surfpirate We're both still in individual therapy. I just think he's got a longer road to travel than I do. There's a huge difference between knowing you have a problem and being able to own it and deal with it.

2

That's a shame, and I'm sorry for what you've been through, but you're definitely better off without him. Let him go his way, and you go yours. Things will get better.

They already are! I'm good, I just had a moment.

@Nottheonlyone Then I'm glad for you, and I understand your "having a moment".

1

Sounds like he was but another wearer of a mask. Once he caught you, he thought all the effort would just magically happen of its own accord based on the "privilege" of his being under the same roof as you. Just... FTS

The first four years were pretty good... Everything changed when I was hit by a car and we found out I was pregnant. And, yeah, FTS.

4

You owe yourself an apology as well, for subjecting yourself to all of that. There's no requirement for you to ever forgive him, and based on that post, I don't think anyone will blame you if you don't. The most you'll ever get from him will be excuses.

My ex-wife would always turn an apology around so that she was apologizing on my behalf. "I'm sorry you're mad." or "I'm sorry if that bothers you." and that sort of thing. She never admitted she was wrong and never apologized for her actions.

JimG Level 8 Aug 29, 2018

That's no apology, either. I'm sorry you understand so well.

As to forgiving myself, I have. It started so slowly, I didn't even notice. And then I was so busy picking up for his slack, I didn't have time to notice. It took a solo road trip for me to regain some perspective. I'll always be grateful for that trip.

@Nottheonlyone I'm glad you rescued yourself.

@JimG Me, too! ?

1

There's a book, "Women who love too much," that might help you.

Pook Level 5 Aug 29, 2018

Oh, we split up nearly two years ago, and I've been in therapy for most of that time and journaling every morning since last June. I'm not that woman anymore, but thank you for the suggestion.

2

Sounds all too familiar, sadly.

Carin Level 8 Aug 29, 2018
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