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How are you supposed to date when everyone you go out with thinks that they are the only one you're seeing? I thought that the idea of dating was to meet different people.

Unclehotrod 7 Dec 2
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30 comments

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0

I'm sorry, but leaving obvious stuff like this unsaid is just asking for misunderstandings. Be up front!

6

There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing several people at once as long as:

a) you are up front about it and the other people are okay with it, and
b) you are not having sex with all of them, or
c) if you are, you are responsible and use protection.

But the most critical is a).

I have been up front, but it's still uncomfortable when I get a call or message from one when I'm with another.

5

Unless you have had A Talk about exclusivity, no one has a right to ASSume you are theirs! Get some new friends!

5

You are supposed to let the other person know what your intentions are and if it is that you can date anybody and the other is ok with it, go for it, but remember that you will bring a lot of tears if you don't.

Words like;"I thought you loved me","You were made for only me",and "We had plans"?

4

I agree that dating should be about seeing different people, but it seems that most people assume that the rules of marriage also apply to dating, so you have to make it very clear what your intentions are from day one. And sometimes when you do make it clear they will choose to stop seeing you, so there is always the temptation to not emphasize the fact, but if you don't want to create a misunderstanding you have to be brutally clear about it. If they think they're the only one it's because you haven't made it clear enough, often enough, and recently enough.

skado Level 9 Dec 2, 2018
4

Until you both agree to make it an ongoing thing...see whomever you want.

3

Be clear about your definition of dating upfront. The other person may have been cheated on in the past and be more sensitive to exclusivity. Or they could be a wack job and think one date equals marriage.

CS60 Level 7 Dec 2, 2018

Exactly what I was going to say. ????

3

I think the easiest way to take care of that is to be open about it from the outset.

Orbit Level 7 Dec 2, 2018
2

All planned out after a few dates??[agnostic.com]

2

When you join a dating site like I have, you just assume that everyone you meet on there is also seeing other people until such time as you have seen each other a while and one of you feels like bringing up the question of exclusivity.

As others have said here tho, the exception to waiting on the talk about exclusivity is when things become sexual....

2

One of those factors that it's best to talk about before beginning to date, so both parties agree - or not. Each person can have very different interpretations of what dating means.

2

Someone who assumes you are seeing them exclusively when you haven't talked it over is demonstrating a serious flaw. If they are doing it with that issue, they'll be doing it with many other things too and you'll be dealing with problem after problem as they make unwarranted assumptions and get angry at you for not reading their mind.

While it's frustrating there are people out there who aren't like that. If you become jaded and start expecting it, you'll just make things worse. Be optimistic and keep trying. Eventually you'll find people who are more respectful.

2

I like someone a lot, but I know that he probably does and should go out with folks.

I admit, I was once selfish to think I could keep him to myself. I've never been that way before with anyone... not even my first true love.

My mind and heart clashed and I allowed my heart to control my emotions, rather than use common sense.

Date on! Have fun, be safe, and when or if your heart is ready, you will know it.

2

Hmmm good question. Personally for me, if I have a date with someone and it goes well enough that we schedule a 2nd, then I’m probably not going to date someone else until I find out where things are going with this guy.

BUT I’m also overly worried about hurting someone’s feelings, sometimes to the detriment of my own.

I guess I need more information. How many dates are you having with any one person? And how many people are you juggling at any given time? (Sorry, juggling is a poor word choice but I’m too lazy to think of another, I mean no disrespect. Also I’m a bit jealous you have this problem ?)

I'm going on #4 Monday after work, I am just trying to find the right woman for me. What's wrong with that?

@Unclehotrod date number 4? Or 4 women.

There’s nothing wrong with trying to find the right woman for you.

2

To them seiing just one person means that you both are taking things serious . Seeing multiple people means they are just a fling to them

1

be upfront from the start, i've never had a problem

1

I have to add to this, I've been upfront with the women that I'm dating. My problem is when they get upset with me if I go more than 12 hours without contacting them. We're just dating, I don't get where that means that we're supposed to be in constant contact with each other.

The constant contact would drive me nuts. ANd every 12 hours doesn’t like dating, but more like a relationship. May I suggest discussing and compromising with them about how frequently you’ll contact them?

@CS60 WTF, just because we go out and have a good time, does that suddenly mean that I'm supposed to be in contact with you constantly from this point forward?

Being "Exclusive" after a few dates,means to me,you've found a "Clinger",tread carefully,she may have an agenda without your knowing anything about it.She and her mother making plans about a wedding,locations,how many kids you'll have,etc..... Scary........

1

I thought the idea of dating was communicating. Serial dating is not everyone's cup of tea. It should be discussed, prior to dating.

1

I assume either can see other people unless the couple agrees to become exclusive. I see dating the way you describe, as a way to meet lots of people.

Zster Level 8 Dec 2, 2018

Thank you for seeing it that way! Of course I would change things as ithers suggest if it gets physical. But why should I feel obligated to keep contact on a daily basis just because we went out one date?

@Unclehotrod ?‍♀️

1

As was mentioned below, once a relationship becomes physical the partner has the right to know if you are being "physical" with another..

I agree, but nothing has gone beyond kissing.

1

I'm a "one at a time" kind of gal. That said, I'm also not looking for a serious relationship, so would prefer something light with no heavy commitment, just a friend and activity partner. No exclusive rights to a fellow's sole attention in the "getting to know you" phase, until there is a romantic connection and/or intimacy, then yes, a reciprocating "one at a time" understanding would be in order for a higher quality sense of self and safety/health reasons.

It's nice to know that I've captured a fellow's full attention for the time being. It's a bit disheartening when a fellow gets his women mixed up and can't distinguish conversations he's had with me versus other women, and has to ask the same questions over and over to remember who he's talking with. But if it's just light, an acquaintance or activity partner, no problem.

Nothing wrong with "going steady" or dating exclusively between two people once there is a romantic or intimate connection. At least that would be my expectation for fellows my age.

1

I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, yet so many woman that I have seen have gotten so angry with me, even though I've been upfront from the start.

Emotions and hormones,a heck of a mix,how she feels from one minute to the next,with texted messages to her friends on their take on the situation.

If so many women are angry with you then there is something that you are not communicating to the women you are dating. Just because you think you are up front doesn't mean that you are.

1

They do seem to get cloyingly attached rather quickly and makeup/ assume a great many things even when you tell them I can't, I have a date this Saturday.

0

You tell them? That’s what I do.

0

Is the lack of suitable Men partners driving the urge to find a good one and declare him theirs? I realize Women can be beyond possessive sometimes,but calling their budding relationship exclusive,so soon is a bit much(IMHO).

0

I had one woman tell me I wasn't serious about her because I was chatting with multiple women and had friends with benefits. I hadn't even been on a date with her. Some people are hard wired that way. Let them get mad. Do what you need to do. If they don't agree with your dating style, they probably aren't a good match anyway. You do you and you'll find a partner.

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