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What would cause you to end a relationship? Would you be able to forgive and forget and renew the relationship?
Have you ended a relationship on "bad" terms? What caused the break up? ​

nicknotes 8 Dec 22
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1

I know that this will be an abstract answer to a question that seems to demand concrete examples, but basically, I would end a relationship if I knew that it posed a short- or long-term detriment to my livelihood or well-being. This could be financial, physical, or emotional. At this stage of life, I'm not interested in ending up with a net negative or circumstances in which I have to "rebuild" any aspect of my life. I have a lot to offer, a lot to provide, and a lot to willingly give. If someone isn't interested in making me and our relationship/marriage the epicenter of their world, I'm out. There's just no point to investing myself in such a person.

I have had only one break-up that ended on very bad terms. Let's just say that he lied to me about some critical issues from the very start. I would never have agreed to get into a relationship with him had I known about this. I wouldn't have even agreed to the first date. Which is why he lied like a m.f. rug.

I think you are correct to be very cautious in establishing a relationship. Too many people end up divorced because they did not make a good choice.

@nicknotes Ah, I don't fear divorce. I've been married and divorced twice, and it wasn't heart-breaking because we mutually agreed to part ways. Also, those relationships meant something because we were married. I'm more concerned about wasting a lot of time with someone who says he is willing to make a commitment and is lying about it. That's what happened the last time. I lost money. I changed my career path. And got nothing in return.

Having a good job that pays the bills has to be a priority. @LaRaconteur

2

Cheating of ANY kind: physical or an affair of the heart. I was the paralegal for my own divorce and won.

Some say, "There's his side. There's her side. Then, there's the truth." Well, I proved the truth without counter.

Plus, I kept a copy of the court report/ stenographer notes. I've ordered them to be burned by my Attorney the day I die.

Cheating is a conscious decision and a matter of poor character. It is one person making a major decision that effects another (the person who trusts them the most) without that person’s consent or input. Cheating is despicable. It does not matter what reasons the cheater gives to try and excuse their deceitful behavior. People have agency. If one’s partner is ‘terrible’ or if you just plain fall out of love, then one should end the relationship with honor and dignity, not with cheating and lying. It happened to me too, and it was horrific. I would not wish that kind of pain on anyone. Cheating is a deal breaker.

Well you saved Attorney fees....

1

Destroying trust, being taken for granted. Blaming me for their issues without taking responsibility to fix them.

Nobody likes being taken for granted....

1

Lying, cheating, I don't ask for much! Lol

Being aware can help you make a good choice in the future.

3

Lack of trust is a relationship killer. Until you lose trust in another, forgiveness (you don’t forget but you also don’t let it eat at you — that is what forgiveness is to me), and continuing a relationship is possible. One has to understand that we are all fallible and, under the wrong circumstances, we can all make stupid bad mistakes for which we can be truly sorry.

2

Dealing with ongoing mental health or addiction issues is tough, especially when it seems that the other person doesn't want or seem willing to work to get better. I wouldn't blame anyone for leaving.

Anti-vaxxers, people who believe any one of several outlandish conspiracy theories (basically, Infowars material, moon landing denials, chem trails, etc.), and certain political views. Trump supporters have notoriety for not being dating material. My ex was one. We lasted several months, but after she denied that Trump had paid off one of the two porn stars (I only knew of Stormy Daniels at the time)... it ended quickly and like adults: we basically ghosted each other. Seriously, pdfs of the non-disclosure agreement were available online when this came up. And then I later found out about the second porn star who had signed a similar agreement. Anyway, I've never had to deal with infidelity in a relationship to decide if that's easier or harder than these crazy views, but these things are a no brainer. If you're not dealing with someone with a full deck, you're asking for trouble.

I guess you won't be looking for dates at Trump rallies....

@nicknotes Nope. I'm surprised I made it several months with the Trump supporter. I had planned on turning off matches at eHarmony or wherever my profile was active, but then she said something about Michelle Obama being a man and some other crazy stuff... she said she was kidding, but I decided to keep my profile active. Not that it helped. Oh well.

It is amazing the crazy stuff Trump and his minions believe @shayne69

1

I ended two long term relationships: one because I caught him with another girl under the covers. The other, I asked him to slow down (he was pushing for marriage three months in, 18 months after losing my husband to cancer) because he was giving me cause for concern regarding my kids. While I might understand or forgive, I WONT ever get back together, with either.

Zster Level 8 Dec 22, 2018

I think you did right by trusting your gut. Plus your kids come first before any relationship IMO.

1

I stayed friends with everyone, except my first husband, Tim.

The only person I can control and change is myself. Yes, I forgive people. No, I'm not willing to put up with abuse in the hope he will change.

Why I ended relationships

  1. Sexual and emotional abuse.

  2. Betrayal.

  3. Meanness.

  4. High-functioning Asperger's Syndrome. Obsessive checking/sorting constantly made us late.

  5. Emotionally constipated. Terrified of love and commitment.

  6. Lousy, selfish lover.

Caption this photo:

In control, sitting on top of the world.

@nicknotes

How do I get down?

You can do anything you desire......@LiterateHiker

1

Lying, taking me for granted, feeling like I am not as valuable as they think they are....oh, wait, I DID just change my status to "available"...good for me!

You can do anything you desire.

2

Lots of things.

5

I once broke up with a boy because he put a bobber on a line with a spinning lure attached. You cannot trust your life's future happiness to someone who would do a thing like that.

A man has to know about stuff important to his partner.

1

i have ended three romantic relationships. i had one ended for me by the other party because he found someone else, but we both knew we were basically friends with benefits anyway.

the first relationship i ended was my first sexual one, and every time we made love, it hurt. i left him for a married man who made love to me in a way that did not hurt and was pleasant, and whom i actually loved, although i was not in love with him. i left him as a lover because, as i told him, i wanted to find someone to be mine, just mine. he said he didn't mind if i did that while we were lovers. i said that i did mind. we stayed friends for decades. he was older and stopped answering my emails, and lived overseas so i had no other way to contact him. i fear he may be gone now. i have no way of finding out, alas. the third relationship i ended was not even a relationship yet; i met a guy at a party and my then-roommate flirted with him shamelessly there. we both gave him our numbers and he called me, and said that he was turned off by how she threw herself at him, and that he liked me. he came to visit, we hit it off marvelously, and we ended up in bed. after we made love, he said he had something to tell me. uh oh. he was in a relationship. i said, oh, i thought you were going to tell me you were married. yeah, that's it, he said. i refused to see him again, at least sexually, and he had no interest in just being friends, which didn't exactly thrill me either. he could've told me BEFORE we made love, and let me decide whether to proceed. telling me afterwards is... well, cheating.

so those are the three i ended.

g

Maybe next time will be the charm.

@nicknotes there will be no next time. i am with the man i love, who loves me, and we've been together about 18 and a half years now.

g

That is wonderful. @genessa

@nicknotes i never expected it, but it happened 🙂) of course there is always a downside. we're old, i might have cancer, and he has both alzheimer's and myotonic dystrophy, both of which are destroying his body and mind. but we have each other for now.

g

I'm glad you have a positive attitude and are looking at the bright side of events. @genessa

@nicknotes what choice have i got? i cry when the cats die! i won't cry when i do; i'll be dead. i will see him lost to himself before i see him die, barring accidents. how can i approach that crying? there is time for crying.

g

Experts say we always have choices....although sometimes it is difficult to see a way out. @genessa

@nicknotes there is no way out but there is still us, and there is still every day until there isn't.

g

That is profound...@genessa

@genessa My late wife suffered from dementia, so I understand your situation some. I wish you the best for the rest of your time together. I won't be easy, but you have the right attitude. You are exactly right about the situation, there is no way out, etc..

@TomMcGiverin thank you. i do worry about what will happen to him if i die first, though.

g

@genessa That's quite understandable. In my case, with my wife's only remaining family living in New York, the plan was for her to stay here in Iowa and be looked after by her longtime friend who was a nurse. She had POA authority for my wife if I died first.

@TomMcGiverin we really have no one but each other (and the cats and the dog). tonight i guided him through what to me is a relatively simple recipe for dinner. it took him three hours, and that's only because i stepped in and helped at the end. otherwise... i'd still be waiting....

g

@genessa Glad you are more patient than I am. This kind of experience involves tons of it.

@TomMcGiverin oooohhhhh yeah. tell me about it! and i was hungry, too!

g

@genessa Well, we humans seem better at holding back our appetites than your dogs and cats would be. Maybe that's because you're doing so for your loved one.

@TomMcGiverin 🙂)

g

@genessa Not familiar with that emo icon.

@TomMcGiverin it is just a colon, a hyphen and two close-parentheses. it makes a broad grin if it isn't translated. i am so used to it i forget i can use the real emojis. anyway it gets translated except for the second parenthesis, so it looks like a smiley face waving, or like... like a smiling face with an extra parenthesis lol

g

2

1.Uncontrolled spending,shopping for bargains,daily,closets packed full of clothes, with store tags still on them.
2.Trust issues.
3. Abuse,mentally or physically.
4.Out of control Alcoholism.

Just some ideas.

I think you hit the "high" spots....

3

Non-working, lying sack of poo! Need I say more.

In a partnership both parties have to contribute...honestly.

@nicknotes yep & he didn't... and he liked to lie.
Shame on him for being that way, shame on me for putting up with it for 4 years.

Sometimes things take time because we all hope for a good outcome. @Heidi68

@nicknotes you are correct. My head kept saying be done with this, but my heart kept saying it might get better if I just wait a bit longer.

It is tough to cut ties even if you know you need to get out. @Heidi68

@nicknotes true.
Honestly, I think I was quilting myself. What will happen to him if I kick him out.... no car, no job, etc. - luckily I finally decided I was more valuable than just being his free ride.

So is he now homeless or did he figure out how to survive without you? @Heidi68

@nicknotes he got married ??? well, 1st he mooched off his ex wife for 7 months (while running all over Texas chasing old loves - yes I was contacted by 1 of them) and all of a sudden he marries some woman in Fort Worth. I kinda feel sorry for her but happy I was smarter than that.

I'm glad that you are happy, my fellow agnostic.@Heidi68

2

I threatened to shoot one dude so I guess that would be bad terms. He was a cheating scumbag. It took me an eternity to get my ex to go away though. He was a lying, thief when I met him and he returned to it when I kicked him out. If I see him again I'm likely to kick his ass so I guess that would be bad terms as well. I think he moved halfway across the country though.

I hope you changed your address and left no forwarding....

@nicknotes Nope, I stayed right where I was and he wisely disappeared. I was just going to shoot his kneecaps off. I had a gun at the time and I'm a good shot.

Wow....nobody better cross you up. @sewchick57

@nicknotes LOL, I'm only likely to shoot cheatin' bastards.

I will take care to tell you the truth....@sewchick57

5

The only relationship I initiated an end to was my first marriage. She had profound mental health problems (schizophrenia and BPD) but would not submit to standard-of-care treatment. One night I woke up to find her standing over me in a trance-like quasi-catatonic state wielding a butcher knife. That was clarifying. The next day she blurted out that she didn't understand why I didn't just leave and send money -- so I did.

What she probably didn't anticipate was that I took our two children, then 9 and 14, and obtained full physical custody. I was not about to spend the next several years leaving them unsupervised with a crazy person. Those are the two best decisions I ever made, although both nearly killed me in terms of how they violated my values and expectations to that point in life.

I have no resentment or anger toward her, she was, after all, horribly impaired. However ... I got some wise counsel in those days that I never forgot: being mentally ill (or old, or what have you) is NOT a license to be an asshat. You have to separate illness from character. Just as there are elderly people who are irascible and nasty and who are kind and sweet, various physical or mental limitations don't have to limit your character. Whether as a side effect of her illness or an underlying problem I'll never know, but my first wife was fundamentally narcissistic and self-absorbed and as evidence I submit that she never gave either of her children the time of day in the intervening 25 years. Partly I think this was because she came to see she couldn't cope with the role of mother due to her illness, but part of it was that her ego couldn't handle submitting to supervised visitation, and part of it was just that the mother / child bond eroded and died once the children were out of early childhood (= started having minds of their own).

Most decisions to continue or end a relationship aren't as clear as mine, but I am so constitutionally loyal that they probably HAD to involve the threat of being carved up while I slept (or by extension, the threat of my children suffering such a fate) as well as my daughter basically begging me to save them from the deteriorating situation. I suppose I have grown a better spine since then and getting out of evangelical Christianity was a huge help in that regard.

Clarifying!

My ex-wife had BPD (or had been diagnosed as such at one point) and it was tough. But nothing as tough as what you went through. Sorry that happened to you.

That is a terrible situation...glad you are now free.

3

Each relationship is different. Most of the relationships I've had I was able to stay friends. The ones that I didn't stay friends, I had a good reason not to. For example:

  1. My last relationship I ended because the police raided our apartment. They found over 500 images of child porn on his computer. I believe ending it was better than killing him.
  2. My first marriage I ended because he loaded a shotgun and put it in my face.
  3. Second husband was a malignant narcissist.

As you can see, I have a horrible habit on picking wrong men. I've been single and alone for quite a few years because I will NOT got through that crap again.

@maturin1919 I'm poly. When I broke up with the pedophile he moved in with his other girlfriend who had a pre-teen daughter and son. He was finally arrested, and the day before he went to prison they married. She was defending him left and right in the newspapers saying that she knew he had "problems" but they were working on them. Found out from the deputy in charge his defense was going to be that my son got on his computer and put them on the computer without his knowledge. The idiot didn't realize that the pictures/videos were time stamped with the date he downloaded them and that quite a few were before he met me.

I expect you learned from your mistakes...

@nicknotes That's why I'm single at the moment. I want to make damn sure I am never in that position again.

Of course you never know if one day you will meet the man of your dreams...@kiramea

2

Death ended my last one. There was no coming back from that

Yes ...death is extremely final.. But look up...enjoy life ....new things are coming at you everyday.

@nicknotes Thanks mate. It actually happened many years ago. I can't help being sardonic. I am actually very happy in my life. I have great family and friends and a job I love. I find humour (if a tad dark at times) in most things. I don't have a partner but don't feel a gaping hole in my life so not very pro active in that department.

Sounds like you have your life in order....Good for you. @MsDemeanour

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