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Estranged from family members... anyone experience this?

Someone pointed out that they thought atheists were more likely to experience this with family members at a higher rate and wondered if it was because of family rejection based on their lack of belief. I couldn't find any info on this but I replied that maybe we are simply less tolerant of bullshit and are more likely to claim, enough!

In that same thread most all of the atheist posters stated they were estranged with one or more family members, including myself. If you have experienced this, did your atheism/agnosticism have any bearing on the conflict?

mzbehavin 8 Apr 20
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2

From my observations an atheist is more often shunned for failure to conform than that they pull the plug out of some personal irascibility. After all you don't get to choose your extended family and you try to make it work. The main problem isn't that atheists find theism too aggravating, it is that theists find atheism to be an existential threat. It is the indifference of unbelievers to their florid god proposition that makes them feel uncomfortable. But they can't credit the indifference because it implies a considered position. They have to morph it into "rebellion" or "hatred" or "meanness" or licentiousness or some other moral failure.

I won the lottery in this regard though. My parents came to fundamentalism late in life and it mostly did not rob them of their basic willingness to afford others dignity and respect even when there are disagreements. They also were superb at minding their own business and respecting boundaries. The worst that ever happened is my Dad would get cranky if you forgot to say at least a pretend silent "blessing" before digging into your meal. But that is just asking for HIS rituals to be respected, so I didn't really have a problem with that.

My parents and oldest brother are gone now, but my two surviving older bros have not bothered me about it. One is really a closet unbeliever anyway who just doesn't want to admit it to himself, the other is still a devout practicing evangelical but he and his wife are content to explain my apostasy as a "phase" or "misunderstanding" despite that it has gone on now for nigh unto 25 years.

Most unbelievers I've talked about this with are not so lucky. The rule seems to be that your family finds you repulsive and keeps trying to re-convert you. About half the time they shun you in some ways and possibly cast you out altogether.

I suppose that despite all I said I am still "estranged" in the limited way that discussion of religion is basically off-limits and that is no longer a shared experience that we can access together. But there is so much more to life than that.

1

In my case, I avoid most of my family based on their repulsive religious and political beliefs. I get to enjoy all the "Donald Trump as a gift from God" posts on FB though because I haven't unfriended them yet. None of them have ever rejected me; however, they don't understand me.

1

Yes, my agnosticism has estranged me to an extent from my conservative family members. I has brought me closer to my daughter and husband who are agnostic also

0

Yes...am I a bad person???does the innocent suffer estrangement...i place myself with great ones...mlk..gandhi...bobby..marvin...john...jesus..they were estranged

0

I am very fortunate in that my family has accepted my atheism. Probably because there are so many of us with the same attitudes about religion. With some people I avoid the topic, but it is a known thing, and I've not had problems! (whew!)

2

One of my brothers is a complete ass and his partner is evil incarnate, nothing to do with beliefs.so no.

1

My family (mostly Christian) are OK with my atheism. What alienates me from them is my objectivity regarding the political ideology of Islam.

0

I was estranged from family members for a while, but for cultural and bigotry reasons, not religion.
But I know my anti-catholic brother has been estranged from his son's family because they are very religious and he's agnostic.

1

I don'think it is necessarily just when someone from a religious family becomes an atheist. I can think of examples of estrangement when one family member joins another religion not respected by the family of origin. I know of one family of Mormons whose daughter married a guy they suspect decided to join a polygamous sect after they had a half dozen kids. The parents don't speak with this daughter or communicate with these grandkids. They are all still technically the same religion, but not really.

Polling data (from Pew I believe) has indicated that atheists were regarded less favorably than were Muslims post 9/11. They ranked either last or second to last of people of various beliefs when asked if they would vote for this person. The point isn't that atheists have anything wrong with them but that this belief system isn't regarded well just as the polygamous sect wasn't regarded well by the parents in the first paragraph.

4

I think I started a thread about this a while back and seemed to get a lot of agreement from other members about being estranged from family. This is probably my # 1 dealbreaker that I run into with women from Match in my area, because everyone claims to be so damn family oriented and 75% also identify as Christian. If you do not have kids and are not very family-oriented, almost no women in Iowa will accept you for dating. So when you are a non-believer, don't have kids, AND don't claim to be very family-oriented, everyone automatically sees a red flag and assumes the worst, like that you are an abuser, a criminal black sheep, etc. Everyone assumes that you are defective and untrustworthy because you are so different from their experience and the norm. When in fact, the truth for most of us, and me specifically, is that the estrangement comes from three things. One, the rest of the family remain believers, or at least claim to be out of the desire to conform to mainstream norms. Two, we get tired of the bullshit behavior of other family members, call them out on it, set boundaries, and end up having little or no contact with them. Three, most of us non-conforming non-believers have a very different set of values from our parents and siblings. In my case, I value relationships, integrity, and being truthful over appearances, money, career success and achievements, and conformity to the mainstream. I am also very non-materialistic. These are the reasons I separated from my family, who were not emotionally supportive and accepting of me as an adult and replaced them in my life with longtime friends who do accept and support me as well as share my values.

Because all of us on Agnostic are non-conformists in at least one or more ways, I will also bet that as a group we have a much higher % of members who are childless by choice than the general population of the US. That issue would be another interesting thread by itself.......

@mzbehavin Thank you for the compliment. I really am up against a huge numbers disadvantage living in the Des Moines area of Iowa, because there seem to be so few hipster, non-conformist women my age who are on Match or even available and interested in dating anyone. I know that if I lived in a more hip, less conservative or traditional larger city like Minneapolis or Chicago, my chances would probably be very good. But I won't date LD or move for anyone. I need my friends too badly...

@mzbehavin My fear, Lee, is that even with a fellow non-conformist I may run into dealbeaker issues over things that are also part of being offbeat, in which the woman may be too different from me, like being vegan and not accepting that I still eat meat and fish. Also, a non-conformist woman in other ways might still be a social drinker and not accept my non-drinking. When you take a hard look at it, it's amazing that any of us non-conformists can find anyone compatible because even in our non-conformist subcultures there are dealbreaker differences that exist between us on personal values and lifestyle.

0

I am estranged from several family members. I am tired of the bullshit. Makes life awkward sometimes.

2

The issues I've had with my birth family members were only peripherally
effected by my atheism. It was just additional fodder for what was most
likely quite inevitable, given the personalities of all those involved.
Including myself.
Evidently, I have been defiant from birth, and began calling bullshit almost
as soon as I could talk. Neither of which were well-received by the adults
in my early orbit.
At least that's what I was always told.
LOL

@mzbehavin Exactly!!

1

My estrangement with my brothers had nothing to do with my atheism. Also, my off and on again estrangement with my sister (even-though she's an evangelical Christian), has nothing to do with my atheism. They had everything to do with alcoholism (brothers) and my sister being a jackass.

3

My transition from xian to atheist didn't have any effect on any relationships. My kids were already non believers, non of my sibs are believers or were simply social xians. They went to church for community, not because they believed. My parents were not strong believers, and they have already passed on. My non belief strengthened post divorce, so there was no fallout from the ex's family.

@mzbehavin My kids are amazing! My sister is my BFF and figured out long ago there is no god. She told me we're down here on our own, no magic guy to come sort stuff out.

You were luckier than most of us with our families of origin. I am happy for you!

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