That's really nice of you to say.

Possibly, I authored Veiled Stars and Measured Land. Both available on Amazon. My pen name is J. L. Young.

I was thinking the same. I’m a woman but I’ve had a lot of men tell me that women are often the same, unrealistic expectations.

@Marcie1974 I posted this as a gay man because the gay community put on this public message of inclusion and love yet they can't get off their materialistic high horse. Its so hypocritical.

I wrote it out this way spicifically as a gay male because the entire gay community spends so much time talking about love and inclusiveness yet they can't even show it within the community. Its so frustrating.

@Marcie1974 Guys are the same. I see it all the time. Mostly middle-aged men flirting with attractive twenty-something women. Unrealistic is an understatement.

The post was aimed at the hypocrasy of the gay community as they pride themselves on inclusiveness, love and acceptance but don't show those within the community that. They instead embrace shallowness, vainity, and superficial satisfaction. As for self evealuation I believe it is better to be honest and let the chips fall where they may. You would not want to go buy a car at the dealership only to discover that it has some serious issues or suddenly breaks becaise the dealer was not up front about it! Of coarse not. You would be angry and resentful. I hold the same policy for dating. I am upfront and honest. If someone does not value honesty then I don't need that person in my life. So I tell people up fron this is what I am, if thats not good then sorry. Because if they can't take you at your worst they don't deserve you at your best.

@Ceaselessmind Find yourself the Houyhnhnms. And when you do please let me know the sister's contacts. ?

@FrayedBear thats funny.

@Ceaselessmind True though!

Its the hypocrasy that makes me so sick. If I did not love men so much I would go straight. Lol but alas I do love men. So I must do what I can to be a voice in a sea of life calling for change.

I know the issue is not limited to the gay community. But to be part of a comminity that promotes love and acceptance to the world and turns its back on people in the community who are not model material or hung like a horse or rich as fuck makes me sick to the core.

Yeah my cats pretend to care about me as well. After they have been fed they are like "ehh whatever." Lol

@Ceaselessmind and @TaraMarshall Maybe you need a Vermont barn cat, rescue cat, or a rescued Vermont barn cat or two. My Elder Cat got into a fight with the Younger Cat because she thought that Younger had hurt me. Elder heard me cry out, came running, saw Younger Cat next to me, and attacked. The other comes running if she hears me weeping, or if she's nearby and senses I'm distressed, up she comes to scent mark me and purr purr purr.

@TaraMarshall I can relate. I only wear make-up on stage, which hasn't been in many years. I'm fat, disabled, and poor, but... I have rhythm and music... who could ask for anything more?

@ailurophile, all five of my cats are rescue cats.

@TaraMarshall Good on ya! So you were joking about them faking caring about you?

@ailurophile, they're CATS. They're gods, I'm their useless human slave.

Oh, and a detail which helps my tale: I am an electrical engineer with 13 years at IBM, most as a computer test engineer (she knew this) and retrained as a teacher, with my masters in same and 2 years teaching experience (again, known information).

I haven't been able to focus enough, and no small part of this is grief, yeah, still, to decide which direction to go in as I feel I have a LOT of options. Having someone help me with focus, would help.. .

@Gnarloc With kindness and in understanding that everybody has frailties and struggles, I have to say that when the time comes that I am interested in dating again, I would steer clear of somebody who wanted or needed me to "help [them] with focus." I want as whole and healthy and fully functioning of a person as possible. When partnered, I would be capable of being part of a support system. You are capable of getting your focus together on your own and that will be one less pressure on your mate.

@BlueWave I am with you, I get it but... let's just say that my experience with the reality of grief is nothing, not a damned thing, I could ever have expected it to be.

Let me add a twist of lemon to that: my father was a mortician so death is no stranger to me. You'd think that would've prepared me for it.

I lost my oldest sister 3 years prior. No real grief issues. I was sort of estranged from her and she was always the black sheep. I maintain that I love her, just not what she did to the family.

I lost my mother two months after my sister. No real issues. Then again, my mother had some sort of degenerative brain disorder, she really passed at least a year prior and it was a long slow thing that we were able to prepare for and say our goodbyes... it did hit me just not really hard.

I lost my father the same year (January) that I lost my wife. THAT hit me. There was no real expectation that he'd be going anytime soon. He chose to go, just out of the blue. No, not suicide in the traditional sense, he basically decided he was going to go and started to wither away. While it hit me, with my wife's support, I was back up and running, if you will, in short order (she was fighting cancer at this time, I was teaching).

I lost my wife in December after an eight year battle with cancer. Plenty of warning. We both knew it was imminent but she predicted she'd make it another three months. Nope. I am sure if we could ask her, she'd admit to being as surprised, blind sided, as I was despite both of us having plenty of time to 'know' it was coming.... and it devastated me. Nothing I had ever experienced before could've prepared me for this...

So, I get where you are coming from. And I get where I am walking. I wish there was an easy book to read, or counseling (which I have had) or a pill... something. It's a process and without support... well, I have always been able to be that guy who can weather anything on his own and I find myself on my own (just a part of our life, we were moved by IBM, our company, several times and landed in a place where I only knew co-workers who really weren't that close)... where normally I'd be "on my own" in spirit only and have friends or family to reach out to, nearby... with the exception of one sister (who is a very long state away) and friends (2-3 states away, or overseas) I am alone... no support. No one to get drunk with and cry on the shoulder of, reminiscing about better times to help get it out of my system... add to that the fact that we all process grief differently. I'm not saying that I need my partner to be that friend who can, or will, sit and listen to me reminisce about my wife. I AM saying that when I find myself in tears for absolutely NO apparent reason, I might want to be able to have a hug, an understanding ear... something. So far, I get the response you gave: tough luck. Wait until you are over this, THEN start searching. I don't like that answer for so many reasons. It denies our humanity. It denies that not all of us heal, grieve, the same way and it says that we should all be able to just 'buck up' and carry on... and it is reminiscent of saying to someone suffering from depression that they should just put on a smile.

I WAS able to do that. Not any more. This really floored me. I WISH I could be that young arrogant inexperienced bastard who could just get up, dust himself off, laugh it off, and walk on... but, then again, I'd be an arrogant bastard and I left him behind a long time ago and... I think I grew into the kind of man who could love, and be loved and who can, and will, grieve. And... someday, find someone who will walk with me and understand when I smell, or see, or hear the right combination of senses, just shed tears for a memory that is still sweet... likely made sweeter still for evoking my current partners support with all of the above.

And please, I am NOT railing back at you... I am NOT angry... maybe a little frustrated (by the situation, not you or your response and I totally understand your side of this coin, I was ON that side before losing her)... just hoping to explain it, to me if not you. Talking (typing really) it out does seem to help... and, in fact, thanks for putting up with it and being a kind...erm... eye (not ear, I suppose).

@Gnarloc Thank you for sharing your story. That is, indeed, a lot of painful loss in a short time. Was your wife's death in December of 2017? That was just a few months ago, and your grief is undoubtedly intense still. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this -- no matter how much you both knew it would be here sooner than later. You are mistaken about the gist of my reply to you. I was addressing specifically your focus - I was not addressing every human's desire or need for a support system regarding grief. I can relate to some of what you said regarding support systems. It sucks in a lot of ways. Hang in there.

@BlueWave I dangle better than I hang.

No, this was '13... and I feel a bit like "shouldn't I be done by now?" I am coming to realize that it's not something you are 'done' with, it's something you learn to cope with on a day to day basis, some harder than others.

Been thinking about this particular post all day and specifically feeling a bit whiny. :/

So, imagine a person who falls in love, marries, and loses their spouse. Picks themselves up after x amount of time, dusts themselves off and literally never has a thought about that person that they loved again. They successfully 'move on'... how would we describe a person who could do that? I, personally, especially after what I've been through, would not have many positive descriptors for such a person. Do they similarly forget their mother? Father? Sisters and brothers when they pass? How about children?

Yet that is how I feel I am to behave. "Oh, she's gone, too bad, so sad, who's next?" I feel like a callous turd typing that.

I KNOW no one wants an authentic human to be that way but... well, whenever I bring it up, I am NOT supposed to bring it up. Isn't not talking about something, ever, the same as being required to forget?

The reality is I won't ever forget my sister, my mother or my father and no one would say anything about me for remembering and honoring them. Why isn't it the same for my wife? There are ways in which you are closer to your spouse, or so I feel, then you are to a family member. Yet, one is to be cherished for all time, that's ok, the other is not.

Now, don't get me wrong, if I were to enshrine my moms room (or dads, or my sisters, daughters/sons... or wife's) room and quite literally try to hold back time from moving on... well, that is certainly going too far (and part of why I sold our house, I KNEW that I'd have great difficulty moving on if I stayed there... despite loving the house).

Why do we do this to each other? Why can't we accept that humans have experiences (not baggage, really) and those experiences make up who we are. If you fall in love with someone, fractured or no, you fell in love with that person as they are NOW, and they are that person because of all of these messy experiences... doesn't mean they can't or won't love you too... after all, I got over my first love in High School and moved on to another girlfriend. I still remember that first gal, didn't stop me from loving anew and eventually finding my wife... and she was ok with the idea that I was a human with experiences... why can't we all be like that?

@Gnarloc, are you familiar with Grief Beyond Belief? I can't get to their website (computer weirdness), but they do have a facebook page: [facebook.com]

Grieving takes as long as it takes. Not having a local social support network does make it harder.Your wife sounds like she was a good human being. So do you. When I have more time, I will respond more in depth to your posts.

@ailurophile Wait, for it, wait for it... a short post: Thanks!

@Gnarloc You're welcome.

I don't mean to say that we don't have physical attractions, but to say moreso that the superficial shallow disposition and expectations within our community are disheartening and hypocritical considering that the gay community at large put on this show of unity, love amd acceptance to the world yet can't even abide by its own montra through its members.

I feel ya brotha!

Just come on by and we can hoist a few and enjoy the ride for whatever it is.

Preach it.

I am sorry. I was indoctrinated also. My family was the backbone of the church fo a long time.

In an intolerant world it is hard to find tolerant people. Then you have to start weeding out the no deal components like alcoholism, drug addiction, smoking, sadism, non progressive beliefs, vegan vs omnivorous, certain psychological traits like narcissism, Obsessive compulsive personality disorder,.... Now where does that leave us cats vs dogs, hunting vs. target scoring, cycling vs. m. biking! And all this before you answer the question "can I wake up each morning for the rest of my life with this face on the pillow alongside me?"