Welcome to the asylum. Enjoy your stay.

First, congrats in freeing yourself from that box of ignorance. I too was raised pentecostal and trust me when I tell you I loathe anything associated with that dogma and "black churches" as a whole. I could write a dissertation on that backwards institution. Going forward, this "in-between" place you find yourself in is normal. You have separated not just from a church, but a culture. Good for you. Replacing that toxic culture/friendships will occur naturally over time. EM me directly to talk thru some challenges/issues that crop up.

The cultural dynamics of micro cultures is a big factor. I am white/redneck/sheltered mountain boy from a small town in Colorado. My girlfriend is constantly surprised about what I have not been exposed to. My religious microculture was much the same but I did not experence much racial dynamic as added baggage. Your story is particularly important as you have had to deal with not only the puchback of religious identity but as a black person. Please stay here and you may habe many oppertunities to help others! Thank you for sharing and bringing your unique perspective.

I am a white woman. And, although I certainly cannot relate to your experience as a black person, my experience was, on some levels, similar. I was raised in mostly conservative Baptist churches, but we would go to Pentecostal churches once in awhile. When I was younger my mom was into the faith healing bits of it for awhile. The speaking in tongues bothered her, though.

Although I was never as intricately involved as you were, we went to church every Sunday and often on Sunday evenings and sometimes on Wednesdays and I would go to some of the youth functions. I had questions from an early age, but I believed what I was taught about heaven and hell and Jesus being the ONLY way to salvation.

My journey from leaving organized religion to becoming an atheist started in my late twenties/early thirties and took a little over a decade. It was a tearful, horrifying at times, gut-wrenching, journey.

You stated : " I literally became atheist, because I was trying to 'get closer to god'. And I tried hard. That's why I'm at peace with not believing. I even researched other beliefs, but I still wasn't convinced.

That is exactly how my journey began. I reached a point where I had to have answers to my questions. When I started my journey I prayed to the god I believed in to not let me get led astray. I went in wanting to strengthen my faith--not walk away from it. I prayed to that god, even to the point of pleading with it, until I no longer believed in it.

I also looked into other beliefs/religions; but, like you saw no answers in them. I eventually settled into deism, thinking there is a creator god--but it wasn't involved in human affairs. It was in learning more science that I realized that there is no reason to believe in any god, of any kind.

The hardest part for me was not losing a church community, it was in accepting that my mother was wrong. I had always thought she knew everything there was to know about the Bible. Except for a couple of nephews, my family members are believers. I live in a conservative, mostly Christian, small town and I don't join certain organizations, health clubs etc. because I won't fit in; so, I totally get the feeling isolated. However, I do keep thinking I will try the Unitarian Universalist Church in my area as they welcome atheists.

I hope you can find some people in your area with whom you can relate.

In the meantime, this is a nice place to make some connections--even if they cannot be everything you need. And, take heart in knowing that the country is moving away from religion and especially away from Fundamentalist Evangelical religion.

Here's hoping you can find some amenable people who have experienced or understand your plight on this site. There are many great people here.

I can relate, as I'm sure many here do as well. I was born in Haiti of United Methodist, American missionaries, newly arrived in the country for my engineer dad to help the Haiti mission by building a Christian (long and short wave international, 5-language) radio station.

My mom was the program director for years, until she trained enough Haitians to take over the job, and I was also taught at 12 years old to run radio controls and had my own radio shift..the 5 AM shift where I put the studio station link on the air.

My four siblings and I sang in a live weekly children's radio song request program in the 1950s, because there was no way to record anything back then. Next, we had disposable wax records, then came reel-to-reel tape machines so the programs could be recorded and edited, also one of my jobs.

Before TV, radio was a big deal, and since ours was the most powerful station around, our English language request program was popular in the surrounding islands.

My parents recruited me and my siblints to sing as soon as we could stand up well; I sang my first solo on the radio the week before I turned two years old. We were as comfortable in the recording studio as we were at home. As we began playing instruments, those were added.

We also recorded songs in Spanish, French, and Creole, which were requested in the other language segments of the radio programs.

Islanders deluged us with fan mail, sent gifts, named their children after us. We recorded two albums-the first one in 1967, we had a Spanish language hit on the "top-40" Port-au-Prince pop radio station in 1970 that was the most requested song for three months in a row.

I had a scholarship to the approved Christian college of our mission, so attended with childhood friends from Haiti and other missions, friends I'd made at mission conferences.
I continued to play electric base and do gigs with my brother in college at birthday parties, etc. and played base in a Godspell production.

I spent 65 years of my life seeing myself as at least allied with believers, but the Trump campaign was the last straw; I ditched the GOP party, Christianity, defriended all my friends posting racist hate memes (most of them), so now I'm left with few Facebook friends and with mostly MAGA relatives who are wary of me after a couple of interactions.
I now know to smile and say nothing.

I did encounter some ptsd disorientation, but mostly I felt relief that I didn't have to force myself to "love" a vicious, misogynistic, racist, treacherous Hebrew god anymore. I still feel light as a feather.

But, I still haven't experienced anything as bad you have, since it seems like urban Caucasians are more casual about their faith, usually little church attendance-if any, lean more on rational thinking, consider Pentecostals a fringe cult.

What confused me at first was that anything I prayed for, or even thought about, came to me almost immediately. I thought it was "god" at first, but eventually I noticed that EVERYTHING I wished came true - even stuff that wasn't "Christian" or even good for me. Then I saw that everyone could do that..even nonbelievers.
We are our own gods; the universe responds our thoughts, as quantum physics experiments clearly prove.

If you haven’t, read James Baldwin’s books. He had much of the same experience.

Interesting life story . . . . I can't say that my experiences have been similar . . . I went thru the christian phase and back out of it pretty fast, grew up with racist parents, I was in the Navy for several years, from which I gradually pulled myself out of their way of thinking, and since I left christianity, I have opposed christianity at every opportunity . . . . and also have become an anti-war advocate. The two issues are tied together far more than most people realize, or maybe I should say, want to admit. When people surrender their fate to some imaginary being, they become much more susceptible to manipulation by government . . . . and will march lockstep off to war if they believe god is on their side, and all that bull shit. I do not have a live and let live . . . . view of christianity . . . it is harmful in many ways, and has destroyed many people's lives.
Being the avid reader that I am, I would be keen to have people reflect on just what christianity has been up to in the past and what it is doing now. If most people who are black had any idea why they acquired christianity so quick after arriving in America, they would reject it outright! From a reviewer on the Amazon website "Every Black Christian should read this book. After reading this book and doing more research I am not sure how many would still want to be christian." (How To Make A Negro Christian by Kamau Makesi-Tehuti) And from a review on Amazon of the book "The Religious Instruction of the Negroes in the United States" . . "How ironic Africans mostly now have the same spirituality or religion has Donald Trump and the KKK." These books go into just how christianity was used to enslave good people . . . I can tell you one thing, I would not be letting christians just get past me with a free ticket to do as they please, after learning something that awful . . . .

"Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.” Frederick Douglas

I hope that you have not abandoned your work in the field of music, art is an important medium, and can accomplish a lot, I have seen so much art infused with militarism and christianity that it is sickening . . . . we need more artists who are enlightened . . .

Your life sounds very much like mine except the talent part. I never had any musical talent, and was never anything special in the church, but it's still kind of difficult to find my place in the world after church.
I do get annoyed with Christian jargon.

I imagine there are several on here with similar stories, me included. I have a friend in Maryland who goes through much of what you relate to. She was born in Trinidad, and her family as well as the culture as a whole is more tied up in religion than even here. She feels really isolated from the black community in general, and her family and friends from Trinidad even more.

That's quite a journey. Welcome.

You, sir, have my utmost respect. I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, which is also intensely cultish, so I can relate.

My personal experiences are nowhere the same as yours, but it sure resonates with me. Your path has been difficult but i can tell it'll make you stronger and wiser every day. I appreciate and thank you for sharing your story. I'm hoping that writing it out and sharing it is helping you. Wishing you success and all the best! Cheers!

Thank you for your words - I personally cannot directly relate to your experiences, but pleased to meet'cha, all the same.

This is my first nomination for the understatement of 2020 . . ."It really sucks"

"I literally became atheist, because I was trying to 'get closer to god'."--Exactly my motivation and experience as well.

"Specifically, in a predominantly black Pentecostal church environment." Po old wihte guy here, my familiarity with AMC is non existent except through friends like you back in the day. My pentacostal experience was rather AoG and lots of po white folks from the wrong side o the tracks.

So I can relate on some levels, but never like any black folk, cause it just like you said "The second being that you betrayed the race and culture...as if being a believer is synonymous with being black."

I was here a few weeks back and mentioned to someone how, back in the day my friends homes oft had these, almost shrine areas, where gram had placed DR. King, and JFK, and Jesus photos all in one group, because they were all entwined together. That represented in the culture, and still does today. So I know there are other folks here with similar backgrounds already, I have discoursed with them.

Inside every bless your heart" is a teeny, tiny fuck you.

Lastly, on music. I have seen a new trend in music surrounding this issue. Have you looked into that as an avenue both for companionship/culture and/or an means of working through any leftovers, like " I do get annoyed and agitated with all of the religious jargon". I hope you find some means to keep your music through all this.

This is how one youth are addressing the very same issues you just went through. Maybe look that way for compatriots?

I cannot relate to black American church culture but I too  lost the community I was raised in, not by choice, but it automatically happened through my non-belief in a god and dieties and it wasn't acceptable in that close-knit "fold". I sense your loss as if it were my loss too. I was raised Hindu, left it behind and became a christian - being part of a strong-hold Pentecostal denomination for 2 yrs.  Breaking away from their crutches comes with their "curses" of damnation. Nice people huh Damning you because you no longer agree, damning you because you ask questions they cannot answer, damning you when your reasons make a lot more sense.

I became an Atheist in my search for "the truth"! No-one told me to. There was no-one around to influence me. I read books on all subjects. I questioned a lot on my own. This was the mid to late 70s. I would put questions to my father, he'd say ask your mother, my mother would say be quiet. I reminded her what she told me - that if I didn't understand something I should ask questions or else I'll be a puppet. ...but she dismissed me.  I was disappointed with their responses.  They were disappointed in me too. They became a bit nasty towards me and it rubbed off on my siblings too. ...

I'll leave out the events but waited until I turned 21 to leave home. Before that I was still regarded as a minor.  I continued school, got good grades etc and left home at 21 towards the end of that year.

I left to be far away from them and later became estranged from all of them. It dawned on me that our relationship will never be the same again. There was no reverse gear.. It didn't have to be that way but most of them see it as you've turned your back on them and god.  My mother said I was disrespectful, ungrateful and unappreciative.  She accused me of creating conflict in the family.

You were 33, I was just 15 and still living in my parents house with my siblings, who frowned at me, being religious-less for the second time now.  I was legally under age and was expected to conform and be obedient. My mother told other family members that I gave her untold "problems".  At one time I suggested to my mother she could consider having my aunt (my mother's sister) adopt me. My aunt lived in the UK.

I would get invited to family events like weddings etc but was treated as a guest.  The warmth disappeared. ... sad, but wasn't my doing, they had issues, not me. I wasn't going to blame myself. I was going forward in life and thankfully wasn't living close-by.  A trip home was either a two and half hour flight or almost 11 hrs on the road, so far enough .

We ask ourselves why does it have to be this way? Religion has a grip on people's mental state.  It captures their very being and takes over their lives.  That's all they know.  We're winners to have distanced ourselves from this - to be free!

If I look back I was just too curious and refused to buy into religious claims.  I did not think for a second it would be at the expense of losing my family.  I finally "felt" the meaning of the word "outcast". 
...but you soon realise the outside world is no different as people are sucked-into a doctrine of some sort, so you face the same challenges.

The Atheist numbers have grown since over the year's and we have a voice.  Unfortunately some countries would kill you, so you remain silent, best choice, or leave.

The principles I was raised with remain. I don't do pubs and clubs (went to a few clubs along the way), don't drink or smoke, don't sleep around and no tattoos.  I don't have a need for that.  Freedom means different things to different people.  I enjoy people, love nature, barbecues (we call them braai's here) and travel when I can afford to. I soon became comfortable in my own space, moving at my own pace, like I always say, but finally free to be me.

If I look back to my youth, I think I grew up too quickly.  I think I gave my mother her first grey hairs.  She wasn't prepared.  She didn't see it coming.  We patched things up (not exactly) many years ago for the sake of "family",  my kids etc however was still "a distant relationship", wasn't quite the same.

One of the admin people on this site referred me to a link which I didn't even know existed in my own country.  A meet-up link of a secular society in Johannesburg, South Africa.  I signed up.  I met part of the group for the first time in June last year over coffee, snacks get-together and it was great.  I've been on a few outings with the group doing different fun stuff. We come from different backgrounds, different race groups and its awesome.  We're not alone anymore.  There's so many Atheists out there. Some out in the open, like myself and some who would rather not say. ...so for now going with the flo. The groups are spread all over Johannesburg. I pick and choose the events I wish to attend. No pressure, just good going.

I think this Agnostic site's interaction would do good for you. ...and perhaps join an active group in your home state.  You won't feel alone or an introvert for too long.

Sorry if I rambled on

As a white female who was raised in a very fundamentalist, rural environment, I can relate to a lot of what you have mentioned, but of course not to the degree that you would experience much of it. I'm very aware, at all times, of my privilege. And also I never was heavily invested in belief. My skepticism protected me from a lot of trauma as a child. But I do know what it's like to be viewed as "toxic" by believers because I don't share their views. And I know that many of them are surprised that I'm not wild and hedonistic because I lack religion. It interferes with what they have been told in church about atheists being amoral and out of control. Being judged like that is painful and unfair.

Dude. I'm with you all the way. Scary similar experience. I grew up in the church and went to bible college. Started preaching. However, I took a hard look and researched the bible looking for answers. I drifted away from religion and being in florida is a bad idea to do that. Lol. I was raised in Sanford fl. Church on every street. I'm with you. I don't drink or smoke. I go to a club to dance because I love dancing. Especially with girls. Lol. But yeah man it's crazy. You only have one life so just be you. I get psd from the all the time god is good stuff.. Black people don't understand what they are even saying these days. It pisses me off. Its definitely hard to find people in the south that just want to live a fun and exciting life without God breathing down your neck. Great post and you are not alone.

I'm going to speak from my experience of living in and working in the predominantly black community of Petersburg, Virginia. I worked in a leadership development program for young people who had dropped out of school. The black community had essentially divided into two subcultures, roughly "church" and "street". My students had roots to varying degrees in each group. But, since they had dropped out of school, became parents very early in life, and had trouble with the law, had swung more solidly into the "street" life. For the young women it meant usually lifetime poverty, for the young men, it usually meant death before 30.

So for them, religion was the only handle to live a life that had any prospect for long term happiness, while the streets gave them a chance for money in the moment, excitement, sexual connection, and partying. Most of them were pretty extroverted.

What there wasn't, was really an alternative path that had been blazed for their own personal life that wasn't dominated by either of these subcultures. The non-profit that I worked for was religious based, but didn't at all prostelytize, and they hired me as an "out" non-believer. We tried to instill the young people we worked with, with a sense of themselves and their cultural options beyond what they knew. But they couldn't relate to me on that level, that was something they could approach better with our black staffers.

So, finally to my point. You may be way, way, way, less alone than you feel you are. My bet is that they are likely millions of black people like you that are maybe less intellectual and consciously articulate about their beliefs, and their sense of loneliness as they seek to navigate a path that is hidden from their view. I don't know if you might feel any sort of pull towards this, but since you have talent and ability as not just a musician but also a performer, start seeing yourself as someone who can address this through music. Maybe original music, rather than the exact gospel music you were brought into as a young person. Can you self produce? Don't let yourself be limited to doing a tour that may or may not come off, look for the possibility of getting your music out there on your own as well. Consider that you may be uniquely poised, if you are interested in it, to take on this issue through one of the languages that you excel in, and actually has the most ability to reach a wider audience of potential like minded people. Music!

I'm an atheist diagnosed with aspergers and Ive come to the conclusion that I just don't have what it takes to make it in this world

What you described is the situation that preachers sometimes come into. Only they may have a family, no home, no training in any other carrier but find they are preaching a lie. What do they do? You might want to check a "meetup" site for Humanists in you area. You sound like an honest, intelligent man that might benefit from interaction with like minded people. You'll find that most of them have similar backgrounds.

All you had to say was "introvert" and I would have understood your point about not feeling like you fit into society. I think I speak for many of us when I say we introverts generally feel that way no matter what we've been through. So if you feel weird or outcast or unable to relate to people, you are most DEFINITELY not alone. I don't know what it's like to be raised up in a black church but I'll bet it's a hard thing to leave.

Introverts don't really need to have a lot of friends or support. We can be happy and comfortable in our own skin, spending time predominantly by ourselves. It's totally possible to be happy without a bunch of people around you, and I suspect that's not news to you.

Welcome to the next critical phase of your life.

There are a lot of things that can annoy us in life, just know that you are doing the right thing for you.

In my experience, the African american athiest/agnostic experience is quite unique. Many don't understand how important christianity is in the black community. I can definitely relate. It often feels like an uphill battle for sure.