My husband passed away in July, 20, just five months, to the day, of coming down, literally overnight, with a rare, genetic form of fatal dementia.
A year before he became ill, I had ordered a personal return address stamp, with both of our first names on it. I use it all the time, but several people have told me that I should stop using it as he is no longer alive. It's just that it works perfectly well and was a bit on the pricey side to buy, and I hate hand writing my return address. I suppose I could have labels made up, but I don't want to.
People have also told me to stop wearing my wedding rings and hand them down to our . I like wearing my rings. I've been wearing them for 46 years.
I feel I have coped rather well. I still have my moments of grief and tears, but I enjoy my job, volunteer work, hobbies, and my little grandson. I feel I live a pretty full life and have been able to process my husband into existing only in the realm of memory now.
So, am I wrong for using the ink stamp and still wearing my rings?
I am so sorry. Next year will be our 40th and I don't know what I would do without my companion, heart's desire and closest friend. Give yourself extra time to wear those rings and use that stamp, especially this year! 2020 has been, IMO, like a twisted time loop film, filled with emotions that have been suspended in time. My wife has lost an aunt, a brother and an uncle this year, and our daughter was married, all socially distant--none of it even feels real.
Sorry for your loss. My MIL had the stones from her wedding and engagement rings reset into her “none of your business “ rings. (I never heard “the rest of the story&rdquo. I have mine on a shelf in the living room near her wedding portrait. Whatever works for you.
No, you’re not wrong ..and it’s impertinent of others to tell you otherwise. Firstly let me offer my condolences, 5 months is a very short period and especially since it’s been during this current COVID crisis, it must have been extremely hard and isolating for you.
There are no rules for widowhood..we just do what we’re comfortable with. It’s not as though you’re trying to defraud anyone or pretend that your husband is still alive by using the stamp...it’s just because it has a practical application, and it’s your business whether to keep using it or not. As for the rings...once again that is for you alone to decide...in my case I have been a widow for 10 years and still wear both my wedding and engagement rings. Some people can’t stop themselves from commenting and interfering...my advice is to ignore them and follow your own inclinations to do whatever feels comfortable and practicable.
Thank you, everyone. I will continue to use the stamp but I will purchase labels for all letters I send to his surviving sisters. I can see how it might be painful for them to see his name on an envelope.
As for the rings, I will wear them until I decide to pass them on to our .
I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the awful illness you and your husband had to go through. I’ll reiterate what so many wise people have said here about you grieving your own way, in your own time. Many people, particularly after long marriages, never stop wearing their wedding rings. Some, like my mother, made modifications (adding stones) so it didn’t appear quite so much like a wedding ring and she intends to wear it until she dies. I wore mine well over a year after my husband died.
I’m not sure what compels so many people to give unsolicited advice on things they know little about, but I’m going to be gracious in thinking they have your best interests at heart. That doesn’t mean you can’t tell them to back off with a firm, “Thank you for your advice.” or “That’s something for me to think about.” And it's only been a couple of months! You're perfectly in line to also say, "Back off (or fuck off), it's way too soon for me to be thinking about those things!"
As for the stamp, use it until it wears out. It’s not uncommon for women to keep their late husband’s name on public things to lend the appearance that there is still a man in the house as far as security is concerned.
it is only 5 months, that is far to soon to make Any changes,or try & deny yourself whatever gives you comfort.
At some point you may be okay with wearing your rings around your neck, selling them & taking a nice vacation, or getting a new address stamp from Staples (about $10) but that is strictly Your decision!
Please be wary of those who tell you what/when/ how to grieve......a year is considered the proper grieving period & no major decisions should be made during that time.
Nope! Doesn't matter what anyone thinks but you, and it obviously gives you comfort to wear your rings and use the address labels for the home you shared jointly. He is still a part of you and you should do what feels good and right for you at this time, and adapt if life changes make you feel otherwise.
NOBODY gets to tell you you’re wrong about your life choices — and choices that don’t even impact them, by the way. If these things bring you happiness or comfort, you should be able to use them without others sharing unsolicited opinions.
If/when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know when the time is right.
Probably not, as long as you know how to cope, and help others cope (if they are of genuine good will), when they don't think he has passed away yet (if you want to tell them). If you had explained this to me - about the stamp - I'd have been happy with it (being a bit pragmatic) and the thought of people bossing you about alarms me.
Oh and the rings: they are yours and remain yours (far more than the stamp) and anyone that wants to steal them off you is in the wrong. Totally up to you anyway.