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Chance encounter with a troubled lady more engaging than two months of online dating.

Ladies being 3 sheets to the wind and reeking of alcohol doesn't make a positive first impression.

Recently I went to a pizza joint/bar (something I think I'll avoid considering there are literally three different pizza places near my house in the future) I'd never been to so I though I'd order a pizza. Once I entered a got laser focused attention from a younger lady sitting at the bar, who I had instantly determined appeared to have been there a little too long and had way too much to drink as she immediately started hitting on me.

Normally this turn of events would be a truly pleasant change of pace from the more traditional "pursuing" masculine role I'm expected to play. Though honestly my interaction with most random people is "no action" as other than the usual pleasantries related to selecting and paying for things (cashier/customer) I rarely approach others I don't know or haven't made a prior agreement to meet with (covid not with standing I've been trained to "keep in my lane" in life. Something after my incident I am trying to break). Initially I felt I had made a mistake of responding to her initial banter. Something about how big my arms are (I have been hitting the gym a lot more since my "episode" going to the hospital a few months back) and we proceeded to have a rather interesting exchange (she stumbling over to wrap her arms around me, she was a sort of a happy drunk at least as it pertained to hugging me and got very close to my face maybe to perhaps kiss me? I'm not sure because she was so drunk she instead bumped my chin with her forehead and kind of rested on my chest, she was rather oblivious to me not being interested in her in that way she was very drunk and I didn't know her) but it didn't deter her attempts.

Luckily the bartender knew her by name and apologized for her regular patron's behavior. Though she (the bartender) didn't stop her from hugging me for a few minutes (The bartender just smirked at me while this was going on and I gave her a little "really" raised eyebrows look and she got the hint). Finally we both sat her back on her bar stool (which she kind of pouted about before continuing her drinking) and I continued to wait for my pizza.

(sigh) I was informed, by the bartender (my cook) that the Pizza can take 15 to 20 minutes to cook...

20 very long minutes....

So I got a lengthy and long tale from Ms Susan (No I did not give her my name. Though she called me "love" ) about her horrible life, issues in her love life and her bouts with drugs (did I mention she was pretty drunk already?) and a short stint of homelessness struggles (though from our talk that was in her 20s).. Now she's currently here (the pizza/bar) drowning her sorrows because her boyfriend of 2 years was cheating on her.

I should mention throughout this exchange she very bluntly states I should take her home.. like at least 8 or 9 times....(geesh) And it wasn't like oh I'm so tired please help me take a nap.. she wanted to get busy.. though honestly would she even be able ... nevermind not going to happen.

She was a open book, so we talked about her dreams or what she had as dreams from her childhood. Turns out she wanted to become a vet, before everything went to shit. She also brought up her grandmother who'd died when she was young in Korea... She talked about her childhood and both the fond and rather painful memories. She got kind of emotional while discussing it a few times...

I come to find out she is South Korean originally and immigrated to America at a young age. I couldn't really tell her age hence the "young lady" moniker, but obviously over 21 to be guzzling down so many drinks. I honestly think she was/is in her mid 30s. . . Yeah that pizza took a damn long time but oddly enough I enjoyed the talk, even if I wasn't returning her very blatant passes at me.

Anywho, I eventually got my pizza and while she wanted to follow me out... The bartender did her best to keep her at the bar (I am not sure if they were friends and or she (the bartender) knew her personally). But She kept her attention so I could leave... I think the $10 tip may have helped I don't know.

Anyway... I got some positive attention from a stranger that while I found interesting to talk with I had no desire to have a friendship let alone a physical relationship with.

Ironically though, our conversation over 20 minutes was more intimate and honest than the six 20 minute to 2 hour dates I had been on the month prior and Ms Susan at least was far more kind to me than the "entitled", demanding "queen" ladies I met over the whole last damn two months of a gauntlet of BS and justifications using online dating apps, then messager and text exchanges and then finally getting just 6 who would even meet me for a few minutes to an hour to get me to pay their free lunches.

Still even with her honesty and raw slurred speech there is no doubting she was/is seriously screwed up mentally and with her chemical dependency a total nightmare, train wreck of a life that I seriously want nothing to do with. Regardless of the Bartender being there, there was no way I'd take Ms Susan or anyone else in that state home with me even if it weren't the fact we had just met.

I have no desire to be a victim of a "drunkmetoo" accusation anytime soon.

Still the exchange was different in kind of a good way, since the whole pandemic has cut my interactions with people to a minimum. And certainly made meeting folks even more difficult. It is ironic that my discussion with Ms Susan was far more fruitful and satisfying over the frustration I experienced over the last month with "normal" dates. I had more substance in that conversation with Ms Susan than the 6 coffee/lunch dates the month prior.

It is a commentary on something I'm sure.

Life is strange.

Thanks for reading

RobertFoley 6 Oct 13
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12 comments

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0

"she very bluntly states I should take her home.. like at least 8 or 9 times"

It's painful to see opportunities like this going to waste. No woman has EVER even hinted that I should take her home. I'd be so happy to meet one that would exchange numbers with me — drunk or not.

0

This is the sort of story that could be developed into a movie ... interesting.

1

I hear ya about the "normal" dates the high, very high, expectations that the American ladies have. It's odd to see the low acceptance they have, mish mash with their high expectations. What a screwed up mess many of them are.

twill Level 7 Oct 15, 2020

Totally agree with you there twill. Tho it's been quite lonely, in other ways Covid has been a relief for me from the online dating grind. I got so sick of the "interview" first meetings for coffee, which were often preceded by women who insisted on trading lots of messages first before they could decide if I might be worth meeting. Those e-mails thru the dating site were also too often interviews of sorts. Nobody likes being subjected to a prolonged series of interviews whether the process is job-seeking or online dating. I don't see meeting someone who might like me and has some interest already as a waste of my time, I have plenty of that as a retiree. What I won't do is waste my money, even tho I can afford it, on women who want me to buy them a dinner or two as part of the dating process before they decide if they think I'm a match. They need to have their own money, same as me, and be just as willing to invest it in their dating process by buying their own meals.

@DaisyMaeNot I wish you were the norm, rather than the exception.

1

What a rich commentary on your encounter. Sometimes it takes being outside of ones expectations, preconceived ideas, and standard protocols to make a human connection, and it sounds like you were able to do that. Perhaps it's a reminder that getting to know people isn't a boilerplate process.

3

Thank u for sharing . So rich on thoughts and ideas . U are not wrong and she is not right , but in the big picture ,,20 mnts of a memorable exchange .
Thank u !

0

what does being 3 sheets to the wind mean? And the common denominator seems to be you. So if you are in fact only meeting entitled queens with no substance, you need to do some self analysis and determine what draws you to them. Considering you stated you are the one doing the initiating, you sent the first messages to those women on the online dating apps. why? Was it purely based on their attractive pictures? Did you read their profiles at all? Did you converse for some time and establish this was someone you could have deep meaningful conversations with BEFORE you met? Or did you just engage in small talk and jump the gun to go on a date? I ask because as someone that is more selective and slow with her dating, I never run in to the issues of dating a shallow type person with whom I cannot at least have a decent conversation with. I would say you need to change your approach. After all: insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Also, your stigma against mental illnesses and poor health is showing. Yuck. Do better and be a better person. You don't have to date mentally ill people but do not talk shit about them/us either. You are not better than her because you are neurotypical and mentally healthy just like others are not better than you for having better health than you. Remember this.

It is a slang term meaning Extremely drunk, especially to the point of being uncoordinated or out of control. Most likely derived from nautical terminology, in which a "sheet" is the rope that controls the sails of a tall ship; if several sheets are loose or mishandled, the boat's movement becomes unsteady and difficult to control, like that of a drunk person.

[idioms.thefreedictionary.com]

Thanks for your thoughts on the matter.

I will say I've toned down my dating efforts this month (Oct, 2020) from previous months. As I do agree, in the very definition of insanity..

I've been spending the last few months working on improving my physical health and it is something I'll continue to do for however long I live (or I remain in my current organic body). Still, dating for men on dating sites is significantly different to the experience the "fairer sex" will experience. In general the experience is very different in almost all social settings. While in the past I may have had several of the desirable traits I'm told potential partners are looking for. I have several cognitive differences from the "normies" that have set me back (or best defined as set me apart) for my peers.

Needless to say, this "difference" and the dynamics of dating networks means that while a woman gets 100s of matches most men (unless in the top 10%) will get little to none. So when you get a match and any kind of response. Those seeking put considerable energy into seeing it through. My sis was dating for a few years before Covid hit (She’s a trauma center nurse and department head so now she almost never sleeps nor has a day off). She shared her experience on the dating site and even though 100s of matches she only went out on about 20 dates over that time. I only met one guy she dated for about four months… It didn’t pan out.. But I won’t get into that.

The best way to illustrate this is to simply compare a tigris in a lush fertile jungle full of prey. She routinely sees and can pray upon hoards of monkeys, gazelles, and birds, etc. Her cup runneth over with selection and choice and some prey is so eager they simply lay down in her path.

Juxtaposition to the solitary prairie dog (though I'd like to think of myself as a honey badger as I had it’s temperament for a long time.. haha!) out on the lone prairie seeking out basic necessities like water and food in a sea of grass and stones. Rarely does he see other animals let alone other prairie dogs. So when such an opportunity occurs he’ll take it otherwise he’ll go another season on his burrow alone (boohoo). This scarcity can make you do stupid things out of a misguided since of “missing out” or lack of physical or emotional intimacy.

Of course, I have learned that the scratch very well is not worth the itch in many cases.

Anywho, I go tired at explaining and illustrating my perceptions of the very different reality that the sexes live within. I have recently renewed my study and observations of social dynamics, motivations, and “traps” that the different sexes use on one another. I have come to accept that “It” is what it is and for better or worse I have to learn to navigate the paradoxical divide of human social dynamics. I agree with you, even if the “pick’ns” are few I should be more discriminating as to who I put my energy, time, and resources toward.

This very same dismay, disappointment and disgust is why I stopped dating over 10+ years ago. It is only because of a health scare and having to face the very real possibility of death that having survived I had a renewed desire to pair bond. Having worked from home for over seven years my already small social circle had become even smaller with the advent of the Covid scare. All of my friends have moved on to their own “little realities” having found mates and popped out children. I have found that being single precludes you from being invited to social gatherings and events more so.. Being the “odd man out” is quite literal it would seem.

So yes, I am attempting to “do something different” by trying different dating networks and my gut is telling me that until social group meetups resume. The opportunities to meet and interact with a larger sampling of people won’t get me any meaningful connections. So perhaps I should wait. And continue to be patient… forever patient.

It does make me sad, regretful in some sense. But honestly, that is my own problem not a potential friend or mate’s. And as I have found (as have several of my friends I keep in contact with) such a feeling won’t go away nor be replaced by another. It is about learning self love and self respect and this can find balance regardless if one is with one or many partners or alone.

This topic I know, this duality I’ve already experienced in life for both pleasure and pain.
So I should know better. Perhaps I will reflect upon this in my next mediation session?

I can say, I have been intensely studying sensual massage and erogenous stimulation and would thoroughly enjoy that opportunity to master the technique. Sadly, there are several intimacy and personable steps one must take before a potential partner would be willing to experience such acts. I am hopeful that I can gain emotional and sexual gratification upon giving these techniques to a partner soon (crosses fingers). It is this sense of intimacy that I feel I’ve lacked over 10+ years and it has given me cyclical bouts of depression which I’m doing my best to combat.

It is not who we find nor their actions that greatly matter. Rather it is how I choose to respond that ultimately determines the outcome. I will continue to try to balance my emotional and intellectual curiosity of social dynamics and set my expectations (that are already horribly low) even lower.

Wishing you your best on your journey and successes in understanding and finding happiness.

Cheers.

Honey Badger Anthem

I think the best parts of your post were these points: "The opportunities to meet and interact with a larger sampling of people won’t get me any meaningful connections. So perhaps I should wait. And continue to be patient… forever patient... And as I have found (as have several of my friends I keep in contact with) such a feeling won’t go away nor be replaced by another. It is about learning self love and self respect and this can find balance regardless if one is with one or many partners or alone."

I know it can be difficult. I am no master myself. I also went out on dates with guys I would otherwise not be interested in or attracted to since I was holed in my apartment for so long. But then it comes down to my choices and what I prioritized at the time: having a social life and being away from the home for extended periods of time. I was bound to experience at least some disappointment with such underlying motivators driving me. It is a good thing you have recognized this in yourself as well and are working on self love as well as patience.

As for the tigris analogy it all depends on the woman. Contrary to what most straight men think, not everyone woman is receiving hundreds of messages a day. That also is reserved for like the top 50% of women. There are variables like older age or being a single mom or having kids or being overweight or being not conventionally attractive that limits womens' options as well. Sure the worst off man is having more difficulty than the worst off woman, BUT the best or top tier men are doing better than the worse off women as well. It's not a simple dichotomy it's a nuanced spectrum.

Wish you the best in your journey as well. 🙂

4

As we mature we learn to make the distinction between attraction and desperation when it's directed at us. We learn that responding positively to the desperate has consequences.

Deb57 Level 8 Oct 13, 2020
2

So how many people had she hugged, how many surfaces in the ladies room had she grabbed, etc etc, before she draped herself allover you? I do not call that very smart! Of you......

2

All someone has to do is get drunk while with me and I'll ghost them immediately.
I despise alcoholics and won't associate.
Weed is fine.
It's the only drug I'll use.

0

Very different

bobwjr Level 10 Oct 13, 2020
0

In vino, veritas.

1

That's one sad pizza story.. Wow! Next time, call and have it delivered or pick up when ready if this event is common in your area.. Good luck ☺

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