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What are your dealbreakers?

We've all got them. What is it about another person that would preclude you from being in a relationship with him/her, no exceptions? Mine are: cigarette smoker, alcoholic, Trump supporter,and Jesus freak.

By "Jesus freak" I don't mean just a believer, I love several people who believe, it's just the ones who constantly reference Jesus when speaking or pray for guidance when making a decision. The name, Jesus, is used many times throughout the day.

Sgt_Spanky 8 June 25

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My deal breakers:


Sexist, racist or bigoted. Loud, negative, disrespectful, mean, critical, pushy, discounts my feelings or talks over me. Gun nuts. Motorcycle devotees.

Addicted to hunting and fishing. No activities in common.


Badly overweight or sedentary. Smoker, alcoholic, stoner or drug addict. Long hair and long beards. Poor dental hygiene and bad teeth. I'm allergic to cats.

Politics and Religion-

Trumpster. Unvaccinated. Conspiracy believer. Christians who try to convert me.

We need to be like-minded. If he spent his life clear-cutting trees, mining or destroying the Earth, I'm out.

Wel, well, well. I qualify as suitable, except that I live thousands of miles away and I'm somewhat older than you. πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜˜


Smokers, Trumpers, obese, Jesus freak, stupid, willfully ignorant, sexist, druggie/alcoholic, doesn't know how to control finances, lazy, dirty, unkind/mean, narcissists, doesn't like dogs, cats or kids, manipulating, unhealthy lifestyle . . . I will stop there.

Of course, I don't want a relationship. I enjoy being by myself at this stage of my life without even considering what another person wants or needs (beyond my grandchildren, that is).


That's the same list I would compile, except I'd include hunters and gun nuts.


People with poor boundaries and poor judgment. People who don't have their shit together. I am in my 50s and by this time if someone isn't at least working on their shit, they can move along. Another big one is sexual incompatibility. I refuse to compromise on that ever again.

Sorcha Level 7 June 25, 2021

Good list. I, too, could be tolerant of someone who has a belief, but doesn't try to ram it down anyone's throat. I would add to the list: narcissists, boors, people who like pop music, someone with poor hygiene, grossly obese, lazy or stupid. πŸ™‚ Is that asking too much?

In my experience, women tend to have more comprehensive lists of dealbreakers.

@Sgt_Spanky Often because men are often seeking a housemaid.

@JackPedigo housemaid/fb

@TheoryNumber3 Sometimes fb can work if both are seeking the same. Being alone for 5+ years, on an island (albeit a very active one) sometimes companionship with someone with her own place on another part of the island is starting to look desirable. All of my adult life friends have told me I would make a good wife. I guess that's good as I have myself to do domestic chores. LOL

@Sgt_Spanky Not necessarily comprehensive. Just ask. I'm sure there are plenty of other things on there she didn't think of.

"I would add to the list: narcissists, boors, people who like pop music, someone with poor hygiene, grossly obese, lazy or stupid. "

HEY... those are my retirement plans!

@JackPedigo I have found that some men my age want a caretaker because they are in ill health and expect it to get worse. My last BF actually asked me on the second date that if we became serious, if I would take care of him and not put him in a rest home. I almost didn't see him again based on that question, but there were other issues (which are featured in my list) why it did not last. He is five years younger than I am and we are still friends, but he is baadddd health.

@Gwendolyn2018 I understand that and know it happens often. A close friend has an aunt that is 96 and is needing to go from a separate apt. to a group facility. She told me she is concerned this may be her plight in the future (she is a couple of years younger than me). I think it is on many people's mind. I think if more people took better care of themselves beforehand there might be less concern. Also, some states (as here) have the DwD program and I would avail myself of this in a heartbeat. Also, the final exit network has advice for ways of ending ones days/misery. I would hate to be a burden on another and hope I don't have to deal with another's burden. With my late partner (5 years ago today) it was an easy death for everyone and she did take the DwD plan and willed her body to the U of Wash. She had no pain and did not suffer. I too have signed up for the willed body program.

@JackPedigo If I had been in a relationship for years and the person became incapacitated, it would be a different story; there would be a history and a shared life. However, for some 80+ guy who already has health issues wanted to hook up--nah!

I am also concerned about being a burden to my son (I have two, but haven't heard from the oldest in over five years). I am quite healthy now, but age will catch up with me someday. My older sister has cancer, had a heart attack, and her adrenal gland shut down. She lives about five hours away and I have asked her to come live closer to me; her daughter has, too. However, she does not want to be a burden and she just does not want to move.

I have considered willing my body, but I want no funeral or burial. I know that I should make these plans now, but I tend to procrastinate!

My mother lived to be 90 and was in a rest home for several months before she died. I hope to do better than she did.

@Gwendolyn2018 I's just another worry about many at our 'stage of life.' I do not want to be taken care of but also am not a nurturer, but. However, I am lucky in that all my vital signs are great and I try to stay active. I think the older we get the more proactive we need to be.

@JackPedigo The only people whom I want to nurture are my grandkids. We do need to be more proactive, but it begins before we hit 70. I lost 100 pounds in my 40s and one reason why I was determined to do so was because I realized how the weight would affect me as I aged. I know it seems like an exaggeration, but I can get around better now than I could at 43. Also, cutting caffeine out of my diet also seems to have given me normal blood pressure.

@Gwendolyn2018 That's impressive and it takes willpower. I'm lucky in that no one in my big family has ever had a problem with weight. Mother was petite and father average. We all had smallish frames and were basically ectomorph's. While in the military I took up body building to relieve the boredom and it became a habit. Now, I see the benefits. Unfortunately, life is often about luck. Sometimes I feel I've had more than my share in both directions.

@JackPedigo My maternal side of the family has issues with obesity. My grandmother was fat in a time when people were not obese as they are today. Her obesity was "lard fat," though, stemming from what she ate in addition to how much she ate. My dad was thin, but I didn't inherit his "thin" genes.

As for "luck," the roulette of DNA can affect our health. Women on my mom's side tend to live a long time, and some men have, too. On my dad's side, everyone died young (and that is not an exaggeration). My dad died at 64 and never thought he would live that long. At age 29 when he died, I thought he had lived a long life; at almost 69, that is an absurdly young age to die. Of course, he smoked unfiltered Camels since he was probably ten years old--he died of lung cancer.

@Gwendolyn2018 Yes, luck/DNA is important. But so is nurture. My dad also smoked (Chesterfields). When he was a kid he fell in a lake and almost drowned. He was taken to a hospital and a tube was placed in one lung to drain the water. He had a large scar and that kept him out of the war. However, all the males (4) on his side had high cholesterol and high BP. One day he was listening to music and his body froze. In the hospital he had a brain tumor and it was found lung cancer. He refused the BP medications and that night his one weak lung filled with fluid and he died. He was 67. 12 years later my mother died from Ovarian cancer (she never paid attention to her health and refused to see a doctor unless it was an emergency. The cancer had spread and she spent 6 miserable months on chemo. She was also 67. The women on my dad's side did not have the HC issue and lived to 89. One aunt was always depressed and when she was forced in a nursing home she refused to eat and died of starvation. My aunt, loved to party. She ended up getting pancreatic cancer (alcohol does affect the pancreas). My maternal grandfather never had serious health problems (women, sweets and a touch of diabetes). He went to a doctor for a check-up and fell asleep in the waiting room and died of a heart attack. I just had a brother die. He and I had just rediscovered each other and we went to Vietnam together. He had tongue cancer. He was 71. My maternal grandmother also had depression issues and committed suicide when I was very young. I don't know much about my paternal grandparents but they lived to a older age. For me, with my luck I will probably die from an accident - they have been a big part of my life, both + and -.

@JackPedigo My paternal side had all sorts of physical issues. My mom's had more issues with insanity than physical problems. I dodge the physical aspects. I am crazy, but in a positive way. πŸ˜›

@Gwendolyn2018 Good to know.

@JackPedigo Hey, I learned to make crazy for me, not against me! People tend to think I am a bit weird, out there, and/or eccentric. All labels I wear proudly.

@Gwendolyn2018 There's nothing wrong with being eccentric but for some others it can be daunting. I guess one has to go with has worked. For me I'm still trying to figure out what that is.

@JackPedigo For a long time, I tried to be "normal." Finally, I had to be "me." I enjoy being eccentric.

@Gwendolyn2018 What's normal? These days being 'eccentric' is normal.

@JackPedigo "Eccentric" means "off center" and you are right, but there are eccentrics and then, there are eccentrics. Most "eccentric" people tend to fall into categories. From what I have been told, I do not.

@Gwendolyn2018 So does that mean you are a 'special' eccentric? So being off-centered is ones rating dependent on how close to the rim they are? Me, I guess I'm just the average, ordinary, run of the mill eccentric. lol

@JackPedigo I find that many/most people who think of themselves as eccentric or "weird" really aren't so eccentric or weird. It's like people who say that they "think outside of the box" and yet, use a trite clichΓ© to show how different they are. Most of the said people are really quite prosaic and much like everyone else. Just my observations.

@Gwendolyn2018 Still, makes a lot of sense.I guess there're degrees of eccentricity. What's weird for some may be perfectly normal for another. I guess what really matters is, is it a good weird or a bad one (or a neutral one which sounds kind of boring). I'll try to think of some weird things I do (a friend is always saying I am weird - maybe he's weird and I'm normal).

@JackPedigo I have embraced my weirdness and it has made me a happier person.


I'm staying single for reasons.
Can't imagine ever even citing a deal breaker, because I have no interest in entering into another "deal".

Unless it's with a dog.
Dogs are good.

on behalf of all unattached males out here, thank you.

@holdenc98 You're welcome.
However, you were never in any danger whatsoever.
But hey, thanks for proving my point.

Life's just lots better with a dog. Speaking if which, have you pulled the trigger on that yet?

@Sgt_Spanky I concur.
I have not. Just moved to a new place.
No pets.
Unless I were to get a service dog, which I have no intention of doing.


Gee.. you picked all the good onesπŸ˜‚ I’ll add straight up narcissistic psycho. πŸ˜‰

Davekp Level 8 June 25, 2021

Any form of psychopathic personality disorder is a given, I'd think.

@Sgt_Spanky Meh.. some people love crazy. Never assume.πŸ˜‰


trump supporter, racist, Misogynist, road rage driver, to anal, know it all, religious.


I didn't think I had deal breakers until I read your list. I now have one known deal breaker...... You.


All the above … plus racist, boring, or bald. I’m trying to work on changing the last one but haven’t succeeded yet.

At least you admit it about not wanting to date bald men. I think about 40% or more of women share your attitude, which is fine with me, we all have our preferences about appearance and looks. It also pisses me off that Match got rid of listing a member's preferences of what they were looking for in a dating partner. In the past you could see on a profile what they were looking for in race, hair color, including baldness, income level, whether they had kids, etc. Now you just have to guess what their preferences are and waste your time messaging people who already know they aren't interested in you. I guess dating sites thought all that preference stuff was too non-PC or maybe they got rid of it because it was too much work for their IT staff to deal with it.

I notice you are way younger than me. By the time you get to my age, over half the men in your dating pool at that age will be bald, so keep working on your attitude, lol. Because, trust me, most of the men in that age range will also mostly be unwilling to date someone their age or a woman who is at all overweight. Unlike most men in my age group, I don't mind dating women my age, as well as women several years older or younger than me, as well as women who are somewhat overweight. It gets pretty brutal for women and men at the older ages in the dating game.

I'm adding one more to my list: women who don't like bald men. Some of us didn't have a choice. 😟

@Sgt_Spanky Tell me about it. I noticed a long time ago how much less attraction women who just met me seemed to have once I got older, became bald, and no longer had an athletic body. It goes both ways.

@Sgt_Spanky I’m really trying to work on it. πŸ˜‰


I don't fit all of those things, but, then again I am not looking for a deal anyway. I enjoy being myself regardless, and if someone can't accept me for who I am then to hell with them. I was never here or there to fit anyone's ideology.


What LiterateHiker wrote sounds about right. πŸ’–πŸ‡¨πŸ‡¦


I have about the same deal breakers that you do. I'm an alcoholic but my body will not let me drink like I did before. Last night I had 3 drinks and it was my first time in a week. I haven't smoked in over 20 years, and Trump is the absolute worst. He is a liar. As for Jesus freaks, they need to understand what all this praying over food was about in a time with no refrigeration. They make me sick.


Not smokers but habitual drunks for sure. Not because I don't feel sorry for him or her, but because of the obnoxious, crazy behavior.
Smokers are at least sane.
Republicans are irrational, etc., so they're on my list. So are Jesus freaks. Out of touch with reality.
Ideologies of all stripes with a 'belief system.' 'True believers.'
So some atheists as well, the ones with belief systems who are SO SURE of their position they have contempt for all others.
Rednecks? I confess living in Cracker Country has soured me on my rural coresidents. I hate country music, the dumb accent, the whole 'good 'ol boy' schtick.
And a personal peeve: the men who chronically kiss a-- to get p---y! Some men need to get a backbone.
Obese people who obviously could care less.


Number one: LYING. And then smoking, addictions, religion, and right-wing politics.

mischl Level 8 June 25, 2021

Lying, yes, unforgivable.

@Sgt_Spanky I had a short (6-month) relationship with a liar. Never again.


feminist, or other form of "systemic" male hatred


Prejudice is my main deal breaker.
People who live for hate, have no place in my life.

prejudice doesnt require hatred and viceversa. do you recognize "positive" prejudices?


prejudice from Latin praeiudicium "prior judgment" from prae- "before" + iudicium "judgment,"
preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience.

There is no such thing as "Positive Prejudice"
Prejudice is without reason, thought or anything positive.

@LenHazell53 ........ there IS positive prejudice. read this from wiki. " The word "prejudice" can also refer to unfounded or pigeonholed beliefs[3][4] and it may apply to "any unreasonable attitude that is unusually resistant to rational influence".[5] Gordon Allport defined prejudice as a "feeling, favorable or unfavorable, toward a person or thing, prior to, or not based on, actual experience".[6] Auestad (2015) defines prejudice as characterized by "symbolic transfer", transfer of a value-laden meaning content onto a socially-formed category and then on to individuals who are taken to belong to that category, resistance to change, and overgeneralization.[7] "

Only those who benefit from prejudice against other believe prejudice can be positive. EG. Nazis and white supremacists.
I explained the original, dictionary and ACTUAL meaning of Prejudice.

@LenHazell53 ............... .and ive quoted wiki back to you showing you your error

"ive quoted wiki back to you showing you your error" πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Priceless πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
OH stop please I'm going to piss myself



God, guns, motorcycles, trump, and cats

lerlo Level 8 June 25, 2021

Wait a second, I resemble the last part of your remark. I love cats and have found that most cat lovers are good people.

@TomMcGiverin Well then we won't be dating, and while most cat lovers might be good people, I'm allergic to ALL of their cats πŸ˜‰

@lerlo Quite understandable and appropriate for you to avoid cat lovers and their cats. I run into the same sort of problem with most women in my local dating pool, as I have allergies, as do you, only mine are to outdoor seasonal pollens. Most women in my dating pool are outdoors people that will not date a man who won't join them outdoors most of the time in the warmer months of the year, so I lose out on dating any of them.

@TomMcGiverin yes there are women with desires. If you caught a recent post here you're not allowed to call a woman "hot" until you know her. They do try and make it difficult

@lerlo I am aware of that. Dealing with women in online dating does often involve navigating a narrow and ambiguous line of communication, often even having to speak in code about your intentions and your impressions of them. I have been, for example, blown off by a woman simply for mentioning how nice her lips looked in her photos and how much I enjoy kissing. She felt that was inappropriate for a first message, but she likely would have rejected me anyway for not being on her level of looks. She breadcrumbed me by replying to my messages with long gaps, but never giving me a straight answer on whether she was interested in getting to know me or not, making excuses for why she was taking so long to reply, etc. Just another example of a good looking woman knowing her value in the dating game and using it to play games with a man who is interested in dating her.

@TomMcGiverin Exactly.. if they thought the guy was hot who said they were hot they wouldn't care. Had a woman get insulted when I offered to fly her to Phoenix to meet me. I can think of 10 or 12 other possible adjectives but insulted isn't one of the choices

@lerlo I think what you say is true with many women, but certainly not all. So yes, there is a lot of false modesty and dishonesty from some women about whether they want to hear compliments about their looks before they get to know the guy more. So, I have learned since the example I cited for you in my experience and I treat all women the same in online dating since then. I know my place in the pecking order and the game of online dating as an average looking man and simply don't comment on a woman's looks until either she brings it up in messaging or until I have already jumped thru all the hoops and passed all the tests of earning the right to finally meet her in person, at which time I tell her her she looks nice or great and compliment her appropriately on her outfit.

As you say, doing anything else as an average looking man, interacting with an average or above average looking woman, will only be held against you if it comes before the in person meeting and will only aid your better looking competition.


Do people have different deal breakers for Mr/Ms Right than they do for Mr/Ms Right Now?

I have a long list for someone who I’d expect to spend my life with but coming out of a 25 year relationship, the standards are different for someone to re-explore the single world with.

I agree. When we are newly single, most of us, and probably men more than women, are not as choosy about who we date compared to those who have been on their own a long time.


All of the above + either presently or willing to learn about a plant based diet, emotional stability, open mindedness. It would also be nice to have a sense of assertiveness (as opposed to aggressiveness), intelligence and active (physical, mental and emotional). I know, being picky. With my last, late partnership I had 12 items I wanted and all but one was given. The one not given actually turned out for the better for me.


I wouldn't date a smoker.


Those are mine exactly but unfortunately my last fellow was a smoker but not in my home and not very often. In other words it was a deal breaker but he was persistent and attractive.

If someone's attractive enough anything becomes negotiable.


Someone I have to employ to redo my cabinets before he becomes homeless.

This was more stressful than people who had no feelings for me and really just wanted a fb.

Moving someone's evicted ass out of their apartment while roommates scowled was worse for me.




This topic has been posted before, I really have nothing to add to what has been listed or repeat my previously posted list except, someone who loves country music and has no intellect or is anti-intellectual.

Sorry, I neglected to reference the complete listings of previously addressed topics prior to posting this. I suck.

@Sgt_Spanky I was not being critical of you bringing up an old topic, but you are entitled to your sarcastic response. I was not trying to provoke that.

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