Agnostic.com

24 8

Anybody know how to let a “love bomber” down without incurring wrath? I’d like to remain on good terms, without falling back into a relationship.

I had never heard the term “love bombing” until someone here posted about it a few weeks ago At that time, I recognized that is exactly what my ex-boyfriend used to do in cycles during our 10 years of “on again, off again” relationship.

My ex-boyfriend just popped back into my life recently and our first round of contact by text was friendly, helpful and platonic. It soon became obvious he wants me back in his life in a full on relationship. (He says he’s changed, ready for a monogamous relationship and wants to prove it to me...)

I ended our relationship 3 1/2 years ago, and have been finally feeling really good about my life when he showed up again, love bombing with texts, and if I rebuff him or bring up the past, he turns to insults and accusations, then back to the love bombing, same old, same old. That has not changed.

I want to be honest by calling him on this pattern, and citing it as the reason I do not want to pursue going back to our romantic involvement.

I feel we owe each other some closure, and a chance at being there for each other platonically, but I do not want to get back together romantically. Too many bad memories and I’ve been so happy without him in my life to want to go backward now.

Of course, he wants to go back to our sexual relationship. I really think that’s playing with fire and not a good idea. I’m standing firm on that. I told him that I’m not looking for a relationship, and wouldn’t want one anyway if the person didn’t want to be a friend first anyway. We definitely still have strong attraction for each other, and we have a lot of history together, but it's just not a good idea.

I told him I need time to process his sudden reappearance, that I’m happy on my own, and see no reason to change that at this time.

He’s being very persuasive and part of me wants to see if we could have a healthy relationship, since we’ve invested so much time in each other and are already familiar with our quirks and personality twists. I think it's too late for that. He disagrees.

Of course he says I'm the perfect woman for him, it's always been me he wanted to be with (well then why the lying and cheating?) and on and on. I'm thinking he just wants sex and if that were to happen he'd go back to devaluing me. I'm too smart (now) to let that happen again, though it would be easy to fall back into that trap.

We live on a small island and it’s not good to burn bridges, we all need help from time to time and we rely on each other especially in emergencies.

I don’t want to be played a fool again. He very likely is doing this with other ex-girlfriends on his bingo card as well, or will when he sees he has no chance with me. Last time he did this, was after we broke up and he moved to a new place, a romantic hideaway and wanted to give me the "opportunity" to be the "first" to enjoy it with him. Um... doesn't that mean there would be a "second, third, etc." in his plan. Glad I didn't fall for that! I know him too well!

Has anyone successfully transformed a toxic relationship into a platonic friendship with boundaries? I’m trying to plan my exit strategy while not burning any bridges.

In case there are others not familiar with the term, after hearing the term “Love Bombing”a few weeks ago, I looked it up in some articles. Here’s an excerpt from a Cosmo article that made sense to me, and is the pattern I recognize.

[cosmopolitan.com]

“Love bombing is largely an unconscious behavior,” Kaplan says. “It’s about really getting the other person. Then, when they feel like they really got the person and they feel secure in the relationship, the narcissist typically switches and becomes very difficult, abusive, or manipulative.” She adds that the same person who was just super idealizing of their partner will switch to devaluing them.

Julie808 8 Oct 5
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

24 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

7

Rrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah - That's my main thought too. I just got really confused there for a while, he's very persuasive with his pretty words, but I know they will turn nasty if I were to give in. My head knows a lot more than my heart. 😉

@Julie808 Trust your gut feelings. They are most always right.

7

Look foreword to finding a new relationship that is good for you. Do not go backward, it may get in the way of finding the right person.

Yup. Keep moving forward

5

First of all , I don’t care what he wants and he says and he thinks . Not your problem .
I have questions :
A) what are your feelings about this guy ? Do u love him ? Do u care for him ? Do u worry if he is healthy , happy , and in comfort ?
B) what is your biggest fear if u and he were back to a relationship other than friendship ?
C ) what are your limitations and boundaries when it comes to behavior , consistency , companion and intimacy ?
D) what will had be the best outcome for u if u could picture your self with him again ? Would u had to change much about u or he will had to change much about him self ?
E) have u met , intimate ways , anyone after him , the last 31/2 yrs ?

It cost u nothing to answer texts and even have coffee and drinks at your convinience . Ego is another story , but personally , others don’t validate mine , so I don’t care what they think or assume or expect . The point is , WHAT DO U WANT . I won’t spend a minute thinking what and how and if “ he wants . Who cares . That train ride is familiar for near 10 yrs u said , woman , u know all the stops ! The point is , what do u want . That’s where u need to spend time to think .
U owe him no explanations , no words , and no promises . The rest is easy . Do as u please , one day at the time , and u decide as u go along . If he can’t handle that , boy bye 🙌 his loss .
Ps : emergencies / small island :
Julie , get resources , pretend he is dead , and ask 0 help from someone who has hurt u in the past . 0. U are strong , and u don’t seem like a dummy to me . U can handle things , and there are other humans too for emergencies . Worst case , paid help.

Thanks for those questions. That is helpful for me. My mind was scrambled and unable to think straight over the weekend, since his unexpected reappearance. The texting has stopped for 12 hours, so perhaps he got the message.

Here are my answers to the questions you posed:

A) what are your feelings about this guy ? Do u love him ? Do u care for him ? Do u worry if he is healthy , happy , and in comfort ?

Have feelings, but not in love. I care about him, but he makes his own choices and has plenty others who can help him out with health issues.

B) what is your biggest fear if u and he were back to a relationship other than friendship ?

Biggest fear is losing myself. Again.

C ) what are your limitations and boundaries when it comes to behavior , consistency , companion and intimacy ?

I'm pretty simple - all I asked him for was honesty and honorable behavior when we were together - but didn't get it.

D) what will had be the best outcome for u if u could picture your self with him again ? Would u had to change much about u or he will had to change much about him self ?

All that would need to change is the honesty on his part. I am happy the way I am, since I'm honest and also loyal to a fault, so I don't want/need to change. It is him that wants a relationship, not me. It's really always been that way. I was fine with something light and breezy, but with him it was drama and control 24/7.

E) have u met , intimate ways , anyone after him , the last 31/2 yrs ?

No not me. I know he had a fling with someone on the mainland a couple years ago, he admited that last time he came around wanting to get back together, and who knows what all he's done other than that. I haven't asked and I really don't care anymore. I've not been with anyone else, and I'm fine with that the rest of my life. I realize that it would set me back from a fresh romance if one was to come my way, if I allow him to sneak back into my life.

@Julie808 thank u for answering these questions . Now I can give u my thoughts :
Run . This is not your guy , and u know it .
U don’t need that . 🙌

@Pralina1 Yes I know, I was just confused for a while, and have had time to think more on it, and am done, though it's hard to let the good things go along with the bad, but it's for the best all around. Not sure he'd ever go for a platonic friendship. Thanks.

5

The only way to deal with a narcissist is to go zero contact. If you have managed to overcome the trauma bond, you really do not want to start over with this guy. They do not change, except to get worse. Let him throw his tantrums, block him where you can on texts and social media. Don't take his phone calls. I would even recommend a restraining order if you feel threatened.

Deb57 Level 8 Oct 6, 2021

Yes you are right. Zero contact was great. I don't feel threatened, just pressured, but I'm strong, and so far perhaps my standing firm has gotten through. Thanks.

5

Interestingly, I kind of have the relationship you want with my ex-wife. We are friends, live quite close to each other, hang out, but not often. Neither of us has anyone else in our lives. If I need someone to take me to the hospital for a treatment, she is there as I am for her. I watch her dog when she's working, she watches mine when she is home if I am going out for some time. I would love to have a sexual relationship with her, but that was our biggest issue when we were married and I don't see it happening. But she is probably my closest friend and I hers. But I will be the first to point out that it is not easy. There are times when I just have to back away a bit when I start to feel like we are married again. If he is berating you when you bring up the past (I would love to talk about what happened with us, but she gets very defensive and mad if I bring it up), that sounds abusive to me.
He can accept the new relationship you want, but it doesn't sound like that is what he wants at all. Be honest and make sure he knows exactly where you stand or it could lead to a lot of pain for both of you. Just my advice, for what it's worth.

Thank you. That's very helpful.

5

One can't change a man's behavior of needing to feel superior.
Sounds like he will trample your boundaries. Run!

4

What he's doing to you right now is called "hoovering", after the vacuum cleaner. He's trying to suck you back into his life.

Yep, and he knows all the right tricks, but I know his tricks too, since he did so many times before. So with all the time that has passed, since we last broke up, it's easier for me to take a more measured approach to being cordial, but not letting myself get sucked back into his drama. It's helped me just writing it out and reading the responses. Thanks.

4

For every claim there is a test.

Tell him you’ll come back, but no sex for a year.

See how he responds.

If he has really “changed” he’ll enthusiastically accept your offer.

Then hold him to it.

If he balks or bargains... RUN!

At least then it will be clear to him that the problem is him, not you. So no reason for ill will.

skado Level 9 Oct 5, 2021

Good point. Yes, if he missed more about our relationship than just the sex, he would agree to that, but pretty sure he'd say no to that idea, so it would be a good test of his intentions. You're making me realize it probably is just about sex, and he'll go elsewhere for that and problem would be solved. This is helpful. Thanks.

Do not do that as you are keeping a connection you are trying to rid yourself of.

4

Don't let it happen to you please

3

The only person you can control and change is you. You cannot force him to live in peace and harmony.

I suggest you block him. Don't let him into your home. Be strong.

Wise words, Kathleen.

Yep, not going to let him into my home. I can tell he's been trying to get me to let him move in for these few weeks he's bouncing around from place to place, but nope!

I helped him move from one place to another again yesterday, and he's got another 2 moves coming up before the end of the month, but I'm just there as a friend, no hanky panky.

I don't want to go back to blocking him, if at all possible. He's eased up a bit on his "love bombing" but still is texting constantly throughout the day, which is draining for me, but I'm trying to be patient and I don't mind helping out as an old friend. (Helping him move his things from place to place is better than having him move in with me!)

Hopefully the constant texting will ease up once his temporary moving around is done and he's settled and has his own car, and gets into his 6 month rental. I appreciate just being able to write out my thoughts. Thanks for your advice.

3

Some people have a difficult time excepting platonic friendships when they're physically attracted to you.
They will undoubtedly be looking for a way in.
Having him in the shadows would lesson the chance of you truly moving on and finding that happiness you deserve with someone else.
Completely cutting the string may seem extreme yet probably the best thing to do.
I hope it turns out well for you whatever path you may choose to take.

Unity Level 7 Oct 5, 2021

Yes, you are right. I had cut off all contact before, and that worked well. He's just trying again, but I really don't want to go there. Thanks.

3

It's called a Restraining Order! Use as necessary, you owe him NOTHING and you have a perfect right to live your life the way you want without interference. NO means NO, no explanation,no "letting him down gently, none of that crap he wants to make you go through, just, "NO"!

No need for a restraining order, I don't feel threatened at all, just not wanting to go backward. We have several friends in common and it's a small community, so I'm just looking to bow out gracefully with the least amount of stress and drama. I think I just needed a bolstering of my resolve to keep my life the way it is, without going backward. I prefer to be on my own, but friendship would be nice, though I think he'd always pressure me for more. Thanks for your pep talk, I probably need that too. You are right.

@Julie808 the way I read your very clear post is, he wants what he thinks he wants & will pay No attention to your wants or needs or even well-thought out spoken wishes.
Keep that Restraining Order in the back of your mind, & do not be alone with him, ever! Please!

3

Tell him where to go and how to get there, just in case he does not understand. It is over and you are not interested. If he wants to keep it up then you will get serious about making his life a living hell. That should do it. I once to a friend of my son that I did not want to see him again, he was a really bad influence on my son, he hesitated and made many excuses. I told him that "I am self employed and that meant I had lots of free time if I wanted. I said you do not want me to make your life miserable, I can do it and I will make sure to enjoy it." I actually had no idea what I would do but he did not know that, I made sure I said it like I meant it.

Yep, you are right. I really don't want to be miserable as I was and I'm so happy now on my own, that it's hard to think about trying things again, because there is a pattern. No matter how much he says he's changed, I haven't seen it yet.

@Julie808 Remember that this whole thing is about "you" not him. Be strong and keep to what you say. If he does not understand "Get lost" Then he will have to be educated. I like the idea of a restraining order. If this does not work I have another idea, it is a lot rougher.

3

That's the classic behavior of a narcissist. Run!!!!! Take it from someone who's been through it. :'(

2

The words "he's being very persuasive" popped out which means he wants to gain control. My first two relationships I found I was the one doing most of the persuasion was done by me. In the end they crashed. I learned for a true partnership is has to be a mutually agreed relationship. The constant wanting and attempts at control will never go away. Learn from the past.

2

You already know the truth.

2

I don't have time to provide a full reply at this moment, but in short this is a possession issue with you as the prize.
A relationship must encompass the needs of all who are involved, not just one. (Couple, plural, family, friends and pets)

1

With my love bomber, when i started noticing that he was talking to other people and hiding it from me among other things, he got defensive and blamed it on me and then wanted to end things.
They are only ok if you live by their rules and do what they say.
He wanted me to change into someone i wasn't i.e., wearing red lipstick among other things in the bedroom which made me feel totally uncomfortable.
I don't talk to him at all now.

Level 1 Nov 22, 2021

Similar to my experience in a way. Love bombing seems to be a form of narcissistic control. Mine was wanting to be aware of my location and activities every moment from waking up to going to sleep. However whatever he was doing was not business. I learned from our previous relationship that he liked to know where I was so that he could take his other lady friends out without me catching them. It was a game to him. He blocked me on social media, because his other lady friends were openly flirting with him, and he wanted to keep me in the dark about what he was doing and with whom. That was 10 years ago now, but I still remember the hurt of being blocked while in a relationship with him. Yet, I stayed in it... I'm not that stupid anymore. Much more cautious and protective of my sanity and feelings.

Now, this time around, after being broken up for over 3 years, he was trying the same tactic of "love bombing" to get me back again, but I'm finally wiser. I did succeed in getting him to decrease his constant contact with me, and we have found a happy yet stand offish platonic friendship and hopefully he understands it's not going to go further. Enough time has passed (finally) that I've learned how to protect myself from his control tactics, and I'm succeeding in that so far, since this episode re-emerged about 6 weeks ago.

I don't want to go back to all the drama that was drowning me in during our past relationship. This allows him some closure hopefully, not that he deserves it, but it doesn't hurt me to demonstrate he and I can only be friends, and even that is a shaky proposition. I was fine keeping him out of my life completely, but it's a small island where we live and it's near impossible not to cross paths.

1

As promised, a longer reply...
Although not limited just to males, it is us males who are more often the victims of biological drives. That is to pass on our genetic code.
We develop schema to generate the perceived greatest chance of finding a mate. There are of course many different strategies to this, which we tend to base on what we learn from around the age of two, but these are also biased to our genetic makeup.
From a male perspective here are some schemas which are common.
One woman for life.
Many women for life.
One woman for now.
Many women for now.
One woman for life and others for now and again.
One woman for as long as she can make babies, then trade in for a new one.
Short term love, then move on.
Short term love, then move on, but keep coming back 'cos you'll always be mine, y'hear bitch! No, no I love you...
Cuckoo - mate and be gone.
African-American in the USA tend to strongly follow the cuckoo or many women for now which has become a multi-generational social norm.
We men can change, but that depends on the woman we are with. We will always have sudden urges to smash in the skull of a rival or lock our love away.
If you want a more academic article with a few thousand words, message me.

I'm a one woman for life type and still can't easily cope with moving on after her life ended.

Thanks for your detailed reply. I'm a "one guy at a time" girl, but this one was not a "one at time time" kind of guy.

I always dreamed of a "one lifetime love" type of romance, but that didn't happen for me. Glad it did for you, but sorry to hear she died too soon. I've heard it takes a good 5 years to get through the grief enough to allow the possibility of another romance into your heart, whether the loss is through death or unwanted divorce. Sounds like you are helping yourself as much as you can to reach happiness again.

This guy - He was a "many women for life" type, picking from your list.

I made it clear that I'm no longer one of his women, and I think he is noticing that finally all the mares in his stable have run off. He is used to having women to look after. Nobody is rushing back to his corral.

Out of habit, he just keeps wanting to help the women in his life, as if he's part of a relationship. He's a gentleman in that way, though multiplied by all the women he cheated on me with. I've made it clear to him, since breaking up with him over 3 years ago, that I'm no longer his responsibility, but he can't help but keep trying.

Happy to help him through some challenging times - and might accept his help in shopping for a new car for me - since he likes to do that kind of thing. I'm very independent and don't always like to accept help, and don't need it, but it seems to be the human thing to do, help each other out, even though we are just friends, no longer closer than that.

Just friends, I've made this clear to him and others, but he still looked like he was going to "smash the skull" of a perceived rival, a few weeks ago. That was always his M.O., you pegged that one right for him anyway.

We've actually settled into just being "there" for each other platonically, though I know he wants more, there's just too much history that won't let me go backwards toward that again. The "love bombing" has subsided. He still texts a few times nearly every day, but no longer the "good morning" and "good night" and the dozens in between. 🙂

1

Get a gun. Learn how to use it. Keep it under your pillow.

And move to a different state.

1

I think the others have given plenty of good advice. You need to turn your back on him for good, and I personally don't understand or relate to how much you seem to care about staying on good terms with him, or whatever that means to you. If someone treats me bad, which he apparently did to you in the prior relationship, I am done with them for good. Call it scorched earth, if you like, but I just don't feel it's worth it or even that important to be on good terms with them, esp. since you don't seem to have any kids involved from this relationship. If the two of you had made babies, that would be another matter, of course. I have been childfree by choice my whole life, so that makes it much easier to just move on and not look back if things don't work out with a dating partner, so I admit that colors my perspective.

Why would you give a fuck about "being there for each other platonically"? In my mind, that is the role of my longtime friends who have treated me well and already been there for me, and have their own primary relationships or not, and that I can always count on, not some former lover and partner or whatever he was.

0

I turned things around with ex-wife, took time and patience , but let him know you had enough and would rather be celibate than be with him

bobwjr Level 10 Oct 13, 2021

Good to know it can be done. So far so good in standing my ground, and pretty much said the same thing. I'd rather be celibate and happy than under someone's control where I have no life. The transition is a bit awkward, but he can either take my platonic friendship or leave me alone completely. I'm fine either way. Of course he keeps trying for more closeness - but I am remaining strong in my resolve not to get involved intimately again with him. I told him I have no reason to believe he wouldn't go back to his old ways of lying, cheating and keeping me from happiness. With a platonic friendship, there is none of that. I'm calling the shots. 😉

0

All else fails kick him in the nuts hard. Education is expensive perhaps this will get his attention.

0

Thanks for all the helpful comments. I already know I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I'm simply trying to find a way to make the texting and constant checking in on me stop or at least slow down, without blocking him, which I've had to do many times in the past.

I do know it's a control thing and it's easier to recognize the pattern now after so long living in the peace and quiet of my phone rarely dinging and feeling the freedom of enjoying my life without interruption and being sucked into his drama.

He is in a transition and I'd like to try to be a friend, in a small way, like I would be for any human I've been close to, but not the intimate partner he wants. Maybe that's not possible, but I'm going to try standing firm in my reasoning with him, which I know is likely futile, but with firm repetition maybe I'll get through.

I need my personal space for my sanity, and can't handle his controlling presence taking over my life again and have told him so. We just need to find a way to exist on the same island without getting in each other's way, yet possibly being there for each other as a friend, if we can. If not, that's the way it goes.

He's trying to find his way again, since he moves around a lot, different parts of the island. I think he was trying to see if he could move back in with me and that's a big NO. He asked if there were any apartments available in my building and I flatly told him that would be too close for my comfort. So, he's looking again for places to live on the other side of the island, which is better for both of us.

We both know we need distance, and he's considering moving off island. (Have heard that before...) I think he just thought he'd take a shot and see if I'd be willing to try to make a relationship work, but I'm a firm no on that.

My hope was to be there for each other in an emergency, during this time of transition, but avoid being alone together, which is something he can't seem to handle and he admits that. Hopefully he'll stop bombarding me with texts in a few days and my normal life will resume. I'm not stupid, but I'm also not heartless. Just trying to chose the most graceful way of handling this until it cools down again.

Yes, I hear the voice in my head as well as comments here that I should go back to pretending he doesn't exist, since that did work very well for quite a long while. After this flutter of "love bombing" stops that will be able to work for me again.

My mind was just in shock with falling back into this black hole unexpectedly and apparently I needed to write my feelings out to strangers, not anyone who knows him, and the reactions have been helpful and appreciated.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:626466
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.