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How can I stop acting feminine/gay?

I am a 27years old man who would pass as bi, but have never acted on his gay feelings because I grew up in Nigeria and will like to keep my head on my shoulders.
I left Nigeria last year December to apply for asylum in the U.S. but I was denied because I am an atheist. (Because let's face it, that country was founded by slave owners who said all men were created equal and presently run by rich bigots.)
I'm now in Canada applying for asylum. But I could use a more masculine body, voice and the likes; or a may not survive the refugee shelter I am presently placed.
So what do you guys think about the use of drugs for this purpose?

Malachiseyi 4 June 10

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34 comments

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10

I grew up in Riverton, Wyoming, in the late seventies and early eighties. It was a dangerous place to be gay. When I noticed I was acting effeminate (mostly because people started to question me--and then threaten me), I picked some of the most ‘macho’ guys I knew of, and studied them. How they acted, how they carried themselves, how they interacted with other guys (and girls). And then I practiced, on my own, in front of a mirror. That I was a radio DJ in high school helped out with the voice. For that I would encourage listening to public speakers and immitating them (their tone, pacing, expression...).

Now, that being said, I know where you’re at, and my heart goes out to you. You just want to be who you are, but that could cost your life—or at least create genuine physical and emotional pain. Do not, even for a moment, take on this exercise as “you.” You are an actor, playing a character, and when it’s finally safe for you, you can drop that role and go back to being the guy you always wanted to be.

And reach out, like you’ve done here, to others. It’s my hope that you’ll develop some solid friendships to help keep you sane on this journey. And we can all hope for the day when this exercise is no longer necessary.

This is another level of repression that men go through, which I had no idea about. Homophobia and misogyny is toxic.

I have a straight friend who's effeminate. People think he's gay, but he's straight. He's married to a woman. Luckily he's never tried to change.

10

I can't tell you what you "should" do. However, I never advocate for anyone to
go against who they are just to "fit in". Using drugs to alter yourself is rather
extreme, in my estimation. My understanding is that once you start, you have
to keep doing it. Not only is that probably extremely expensive, it's also altering
your basic body chemistry, which could quite likely come back to bite you later on.
Sorry you were denied asylum by the US simply for being an atheist. I think
that's wrong and shouldn't be allowed.
Good luck to you.

Excellent response. As for being denied asylum for being an A-theist, it is not only wrong and shouldn't be allowed, it is unconstitutional. But what does the present government care about the constitution?

8

This hurts my heart. I'm so sorry that this is something you have to worry about. I have no advice for how to fit in, but am very sorry to hear that you have to hide who you are just to survive.

Mea Level 7 June 10, 2018
7

I'm going to simply address your "Wants" here. I believe your sexual orientation is your own business and no one else's. "A more masculine body, voice,& the likes"... OK. this is
kind of hard to specifically address, but! I highly recommend this Facebook page:
[facebook.com]
There's also a book. But the FB page is free, and searchable.
I'd suggest starting a physical fitness workout regime and maybe a martial arts program.
Then, look through the sections on dressing, comportment, and presenting a Masculine attitude.
I've used this site with good success mentoring young men in a youth group. I wish you luck in your endeavors.

7

I think Canada is lightyears ahead in tolerance and acceptance. I worry about the effect drugs would have on you. I wish I knew how to help you. I'm sorry

7

I think you need to act self assured.I am a 5 foot tall female.Kind of like a chihuahua or Napolean when I feel threatened somehow I act like I am not afraid and they can't mess with me. SO far it has worked

btroje Level 9 June 10, 2018

This brings to mind Anna Leonowens from "The King and I" :

7

I am no authority for how to not behave ‘like a gay person.’ But, I have gay friends and to be ‘split off’ from your real nature, will not give you more psychological power, in my opinion! You need to stay in your true nature...because that is where all of our power comes from...our true self! Reinforce your belief that you have every right to be on this earth and that you will stay strong to bring yourself, a good life...as the human being that you are!

6

Why should you have to? Be who you are not who someone or a society wants you to be.

5

I suggest weightlifting and doing pushups to increase muscle and strength. This will also improve your posture and confidence. Even in a refugee camp, you can lift boxes and work on your fitness.

I have a small, thin Ectomorph body type. After weightlifting I swagger down the steps, filled with feel-good endorphins.

3

No no, no !   no drugs. rather take up some form of martial art to be able to defend yourself.

3

what kind of drugs?

I would assume hormones.

2

As those traits aren't harmful, I would suggest that you be yourself. Being American, and not proud of circumstance, I definitely understand the desire to conceal things to appease the ignorance of others as I know a lot of people who are proud to display it. Good luck in your attempt to upgrade your circumstances.

mt49er Level 7 June 10, 2018
2

This is a tough one. Just be yourself is great in theory but might be dangerous in execution.
The best I can say is listen. I doubt it will take much to figure out who might be the enemy.
Avoid confrontation by avoiding area's they might frequent. Have someone with you as often as possible IF possible.
Sexually orientation need not be a part of any conversation unless you wish it to be.
Be aware of your surroundings.
I totally understand your fear. When you have a child in the LGTBQ community, which I do, this can't be repeated enough.

2

... ok I have a messed up idea that might help you in multiple ways. First the drugs won't do much and you don't want to risk that sort of thing in refugee camp where you might not have access to good medical support if you get bad drugs. It's my understanding that in the past it's been easier to receive Asylum if you are a member of a family unit that is applying as a whole if there are any women even better yet gay women who are also at the refugee camp and interested in getting out it might be worth considering having a sham marriage for that purpose. Not only will this increase the chance of you getting Asylum it will decrease the chance of the men of the community realizing you're bisexual. I understand that this is very distasteful suggestion but you are in a very distasteful situation. I hope my advice is utterly unnecessary and that you find a new home quickly and safely.

agree! Do what ever to get safe then fix it once you are safe.

2

Don't talk a lot if you do either grunt or answer with yes or no . Think of the action heroes over the past ten years all they do is whisper when they talk . Try not to talk with your hands . Don't do drugs they are a waste of time . If you want to put on weight and can get to a gym try heavy weights low reps . No jogging .

Simon1 Level 7 June 10, 2018
2

I think testosterone injections for starters. Add to that alcohol abuse, aggression and bad language. Watch John Wayne movies and study his mannerisms. Be careful, though, not to copy his weird walk!

lol

And in case he didn't recognize it (sarcasm often doesn't translate well), I want @Malachiseyi to know that brentan's suggestions are NOT serious.

2

I would avoid drug use. is the refugee shelter dangerous? It was my understanding that Canada is very accepting of lgbt people. If anything I would have thought it would increase the likelihood of being granted asylum.

If you’re wanting a more masculine form, then try working out more to develop more muscle mass. Not much you can do for your voice, but it shouldn’t be an issue. Not every guy has a deep voice. I would caution you against pretending to be something you aren’t. Unless you’re just a born actor, it will likely come across as fake to anyone you talk to.

Good luck, I hear Canada has a tough filtering process.

Katrik Level 7 June 10, 2018
2

There is nothing wrong with women or femininity.

There is nothing wrong with being gay either.

What is the point of moving to another country if you have to deny your authentic self? Accepting yourself fully is a win win situation.

I hope you have a great life in Canada.

1

I did not know the U.S. would reject someone for being atheist. I guess I should not be surprised, given our present political climate. Someone mentioned Canada as an alternative, and that might be better. Honestly, I would lie about being atheist rather than being gay. Say you were just 'born again" and want to be closer to Jesus. That will satisfy the evangelicals and missionary types. Where would you get the drugs you mention in a refugee shelter? Seems risky. Do whatever you must to stay safe and survive. Once you don't have to fear for your life you will be free to be yourself.

1

Regarding the drugs, go for it, you won't know for sure until you try. Good luck.

1

So sorry you can't be who you are. I would lie to save your life. Claim some superstition till you get aslyum. Then be yourself. You apperently been lying to others to survive in Africa all those years what is another year or 2 to be free from bigotry of you being you. I feel for your situation. Be careful.

1

I don't know your conditions, but if you can afford good nutrition and some basic gym facilities, you can achieve a muscular /masculine body. I am skinny myself and working on getting muscular and I see some positives. Whatever your gender identity and sexually are, it doesn't hurt to be muscular (achieved without steroids or the like). Compound exercises are the best, I am told. Exercise helps your self confidence as well.
Regarding your voice, I don't know. Look up the Theranos ceo. She managed to make her voice deeper than what it actually is.

1

I doubt anyone staying in a refugee shelter is looking to make problems for anyone else. Just relax and be yourself. You're not in anymore.

Hermit Level 7 June 10, 2018
0

I’m but I grew up in England and I feel your pain I’m not gay but I’ve got a female cousin in who is and I can’t imagine the pain she goes through just to hide who she is from the rest of the family ....

0

I'm surprised you were denied asylum in the US for being atheist. Why would they even ask whether you believe in god or not? The country is based on freedom of and FROM religion.

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