I have a friend that I grew up with who's been married for more than 30 years to her husband. She's mentioned that sex in there marriage is "a lot" if it's once a month. Which is to say sex is not a common activity in their marriage. They seem committed to one another and seem to love each other. They are very religious Christianish type folks. I must say however, that in family pics posted on facebook her husband, a late-fifties gray-haired Caucasian man in a suit, appears to have a barely noticeable half-sided "smile" with a what appears to always be a slightly dissatified countenance. He reminds me of a man secretly addicted to porn while being a church minister type. I wonder if a virtually sexless marriage with a person you love is common or acceptable to men or women. I find this topic interesting because I believe that the expression of love is most profoundly comminicated sexually. That is not too suggest that I don't realize there are an infinite number of ways to express romantic love however. What do you think about sexless marriages or sexless romantic relationships? Are they feasably potentially satisfying and healthy?
The last fourteen years of my marriage was without intercourse, it does not mean it was totally sexless, although I think that we found a deeper love without sex, because there was more cuddling, affection, romance, flirting, kissing, massages, foot rubs, we found ways to enjoy each other and live in the moment with each other, which in turn lead to a deeper more fulfilling love.
My second marriage was devoid of physical intimacy. It was one of my main issues for ending the marriage. We were best friends, comfortable with each other, had 2 great kids, no fighting (until his dramatic change to Mr. Hyde after the split)....for me the lack of intimacy and sex was unbearable.
After the split I spent 9 years in a terrible relationship...with outstanding sexual compatibility which never waned. It's different for each of us certainly, but for myself the sexual connection is extremely important. Looking for the perfect balance...
I never judge anyone’s sex drive. If they have no sex or sex 3x daily, it’s not a problem unless they consider it a problem. Desire discrepancy is a problem, but even that can be overcome with compromise and motivation. Some couples aren’t motivated to find solutions, so one partner has sex they don’t want to have or the other goes unhappily without.
There is no Yes or No answer to this. Every couple is different and the only thing that matters is compatibility. The trouble would arise if they were way out of sync with each other in sex drive. Personally, I was never interested in how often other couples had sex, I couldn’t say what too little would be, but you are drawing a lot of conclusions from scant information about the couple you refer to. I know of couples who never have sex due to erectile dysfunction or other problems such as injury, and still manage to have a loving relationship. I have always believed it is essential to really like your partner because over time the initial passion will lessen and then something more like deep affection will take it’s place.
Wow....that was a mouthful. My late husband was the best lover I had had up to the moment he died. I think he was the only man I really, truly ever loved. Our relationship in the beginning was like two rabbits. We couldn't get enough of each other sexually. I used to dress up for him and wore stilettos to bed. It was wonderful. I was done with menopause, so my sex drive wasn't up to par after a while. And, he was put on some pills for depression which killed his libido. He got off of the pills. But, our sex life never went back to what it was even though we loved each other so much. We'd do it maybe twice a year the last couple of years and it was so good, we'd look at each other and say, why don't we do this more often. But, we didn't. We were still intimate, hugging, kissing, cuddling, grab ass, expressing our love in words. And, it was wonderful. But, I wished we had never lost our libido.
For some people, no. Sex is not required for a healthy romantic relationship. I have a few friends that classify themselves as asexual. And I’ve got some friends that for some reason, have no function down there. Due to paralysis or things like that.
But I enjoy sex. But then again, I’ve been single for 2 years now. But even when I was in my last relationship, sex wasn’t super important. It was fun but we only did it about once a month.
As with all things in life, when it comes to human beings, there is no definitive yes or no. It depends on the person.
I thought I was asexual for a long time. Turns out I was just tired of my husband. Dissatisfaction turned to loss of sexual interest which resulted in more dissatisfaction. So, while there are people who are genuinely asexual, I would assume most are not and if sex is falling off in a romantic relationship, it's probably an indication that there is an underlying problem and the lack of sex is a symptom...
Many couples for physical and mental reasons limit sexual activity, and as long as it is mutually agreed upon, that is fine. If one of the couple is not satisfied, masturbation can be practiced as a sexual release. This happens quite often in a sexually imbalanced relationship, more than we may realize. If they are having problems or unhappiness in this area of life, it is their business to seek counseling and therapy if they choose.
A sexual relationship that a married couple or partners have is very personal and it is really none of our business. How very human of us, regardless of religion or not, that we have to ascertain and judge the motives and happiness of others in the bedroom.
I say this because I am troubled by your statement:
"They are very religious Christianish type folks. I must say however, that in family pics posted on facebook her husband, a late-fifties gray-haired Caucasian man in a suit, appears to have a barely noticeable half-sided "smile" with a what appears to always be a slightly dissatified countenance. He reminds me of a man secretly addicted to porn while being a church minister type."
By making this comment you are just as guilty as the religious busybody who feels they need to know about the dating and sexual behaviors of others so as to keep their church 'pure'. You have no business stereotyping this man because of his faith, his age, his race or because he smiles 'funny'. For shame.
My partner and I have a very beautiful committed relationship that hasnt been sexual consensually now,for over 25 years we have a lot of love for each other look out for each other laugh a lot and don't live together though I do all the cooking and most of our cleaning and he does all our finances etc. its a good division of labour and we do laugh a lot though we don't spend huge amounts of time together. Both of us were in abusive families and how we get on is partly to do with that - He is a gentle person thoughtful and kind and i ma the funny fall guy one. We pick each other up when we get depressed it works.
Sounds like you want to help your friend, IF she is unhappy in her marriage. Every marriage (and relationship, for that matter) is a different combination of various components. Priorities of those components might or might not be agreeable to both parties in equal measures. Those are factors in deciding whether to stay together, work on issues, create work arounds, that might not be anyone’s business, or give it all up for door number 3.
While you might feel sorry for your friend, remember the quantity of sexual activity does not necessarily equal quality.
There may be psychological factors that could be helped with counseling, but sometimes there is just a lack of physical and emotional attraction. So the decision to stay together, despite a lack of sexual satisfaction, is a thoughtful decision. Your friend might complain to you, to vent her frustration, but she may not really want to do anything about it, except vent. Or perhaps she is seeking advice from you?
I was married a long long time. My ex-husband was not affectionate, not particularly physically attractive to me, and simply could not win or keep my admiration after the many demeaning things he would say and do. He was abusive as well. So it was simply impossible for me to want to have sexual relations with him. We slept apart, for 20+ years of our marriage. Duty sex, when demanded, was obviously not satisfying for me. Couldn’t wait to get out of the marriage, but thought it best to stay together for the kids.
After freeing myself from my bad marriage, I became the sexual being I always was inside and had an intimate partner for several years who helped me discover the joys of sex. Saddest part of this discovery is lamenting about all the years I missed out on such wonderful sex, had I left my marriage sooner.
I don’t think a satisfying sex life is mandatory for a marriage or a relationship, but it definitely is a bonding gesture that enhances a relationship greatly and can sometimes be the one thing that keeps a couple together during other dissatisfactions. The success of a relationship can not be based on sexual compatibility alone. There must be other factors that keep her invested in the marriage.
I personally think it is pretty impossible, unless both partners have the same level of non-existant labido. There is always going to be resentment no matter how understanding the other partner may be, being constantly turned down, or constantly bothered for sex wears a person down until they snap....