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Does it matter anymore who makes the first move?

As a heterosexual female, I sometimes feel like men are either intimidated or turned off when I make the first move. But does that even matter anymore in this day and age? Do men still feel obligated to make first contact? Is this question applicable in the LGBTQ community?

BeeHappy 9 Jan 7

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I think that in todays environment, that a woman making the first move would be welcome.
Perhaps even in writing

Good to know! Even in writing huh? 🙂

@BeeHappy reminds me of Pat Boone LOVE LETTERS IN THE SAND another reason why I live at the beach. ...writing :"let's chat" ocean edge will be watered away by the next wave leaving no trace to fear being called aggressive by no one who didn't read but me


When I was dating, I mostly made the first move, and I never had a bad experience. The guys may have been caught off guard, maybe a little taken aback ( seemed a little embarrassed or unsure, briefly, like they had little experience being approached and didn't immediately know how to respond) but those moments passed quickly and resolved into feeling flattered and receptive it would seem. I'm not sure what all goes into to the calculus here, but I think part of it may have been my casual, playful demeanor--without explicitly trying to, I think I probably communicated that I wasn't desperate and wouldn't really care if they weren't interested. Like I could take or leave them--not in a snobby way, but in a radical acceptance way (except that's not radical to me, just mature). I wasn't searching for their appreciation of me; I was just expressing my appreciation of them, no strings attached.

I've never heard a heteroguy say he'd dislike being approached by a woman. I wouldn't sweat it.

Thanks for sharing your experience.


I'm quite overly confident and flirtatious by nature, so I have to know when to step back. I think some/alot of men get quite taken aback when a lady makes the first move, men apparently still like do the chasing. I would say put some hints out there to show you are interested, but then again men are terrible with hints. So flirt a little maybe.
So I get the man and tell him, I like you I want you, we are now officially a couple, lets go. They turn bright red and stutter yeeeahh ok. Then they do what they are told. Lol Im just kidding.. Mostly/sort of/could be

Sacha Level 7 Jan 8, 2018

I like to flirt as well sort of helps break the ice.



For men? It's guesswork. Sex with a woman is a physical violation during intercourse. Doesn't matter how much Barry White plays in the background, rose petals on the bed, and soft candle light floods the room. It's up to the woman if it was consensual. Every woman that I have ever been with always said that there was a time before they met me that they were sexually assaulted. Real or not? Friggin' turn off for me. Won't ever rape a woman. Ever.

Counting incest, date/acquaintance rape, and stranger rape as well as other types of sexual assault, you would be disgusted to know how prevalent it is. It's not about sexy or else 95-year-old women and 6-month-old babies wouldn't be raped.


I asked a guy out about 20 years ago and he wanted to go to his place almost right away. He said any woman who made the first move just wanted sex. So I went home. I hope someone I'm interested in on this site doesn't think the same way. I'm way over one night stands.

Weird. I wouldn't think that unless a woman actually said and/or did something sexual.


I have no problem with a woman making the first move. I always felt that when it was not okay for a woman to be the first to show interest was unfair to women. If a woman shows interest in me first, it doesn't make me feel intimated; makes me feel attractive and complimented. I guess it's the same in the LBGTQ community too, though I don't know. But I agree that it's easier to meet people online when it's not face-to-face.


I've always preferred to get to know someone as a friend first before dating. I've made the first move when I knew they were too shy to. And I'm turned off when a man I don't know (and who doesn't know me) makes a move by commenting on my appearance or asks me out on an official date or makes a sexual advance without getting to know me first. Its too obvious what they want if they only go by appearances.

@Seafoamgreen I have encountered the reverse problem in that I arrogantly thought that if I continued talking with a woman it meant that she knew that I was physically attracted to her. Oh no. You have to say it. So now i fall into your "disliked" category of men who brazenly tell a woman that she has this or that attractive feature!
LOL. Seafoamgreen we are so far apart in compatibility that the algorithm can't even give us 1% but your little tiny profile photo shows that you have a lovely symmetrical face, very pleasant grin, deep clear eyes to gaze into (preferably adoringly), well defined eyebrows for showering with kisses and a high forehead protecting your provocatively challenging brain. Just in case we never converse (ghost me) again I hope that the Companions of Health, Peace and Fulfilment travel with you throughout your life.

@FrayedBear thanks, just here for community. I've already got a little family and life partner. I'm just saying, it's nice when guys focus more on the non-physical traits that attract them to us. Women don't really need to be told men think they're not. We want to be told you like our personalities and that you'd like to be in a romantic relationship for those reasons. The physical stuff comes naturally after that. Maybe that's not the experience for other women, just how I feel.

@Seafoamgreen Two sudden thoughts come to me:
1.@Admin after Level4 id next to a person's name it would be very useful to have further info such as fco, st, bi, mt...
2. Previously I have used an avatar as my profile photo. If you do not wish people to comment on your visage wouldn't it be more ingenious to use an avatars? I have a school friend and his wife who I talk with every fortnight on the phone. This has been happening for nearly ten years. We last saw each other when we were 16. Our longest conversation lasted 7 hours from one side of the world to the other. ????

@FrayedBear not sure what fco, etc acronyms mean. But my profile says at the top "here for community " instead of "here to meet..." The reason you got a zero pct match with me is because I declined dating on this site. I don't care if someone comments on my appearance, but it's not gonna get them anywhere. I see nothing wrong with having my face as a profile pic. If we talked in real life, would you be looking at a tree instead of my face?

Strangely enough @Seafoamgreen I am more than likely to look at the tree. Thanks for giving me more knowledge on how the site works. Fco was simply "for community only"... why would I go and read your profile just to reply to this post?


It shouldn't matter. Save me the heartache sometimes, please.



Can't answer been out of the loop a long time.


I find it interesting the way people interpreted/answered this question differently. I took your question as meaning "Who should ask the other out first," but many others took it as "Who should initiate sex first." I appreciated all the perspectives, I just found it interesting the way people's minds work differently.

Yeah, it is interesting. I took it as about making first contact, not even about asking anyone out, because of this "Do men still feel obligated to make first contact?" 😀

Yes, @bingst and @BackToReality I found it interesting as well. Maybe I wasn't clear enough. I meant initial contact, be it in person or in a format like this. Thanks for your comments.


i Wish more women would make the first move. It would make my life easier.

Be careful what you wish for. Lol! You may not have to suffer rejection but rather be the one to serve it. Neither is comfortable.

@BeeHappy Good point. Perhaps it's better as is because women, being more empathetic, are better at rejecting without being mean.

@RoboGraham Maybe, maybe not. There are some pretty mean women out there. I guess you're just in one of those, damned if you do and damned if you don't situations. LOL Good luck!! 😉


My complaint is that women should make the first move instead of the sick coy conformity to patriarchy. ...I'd like to be the one to say yes or no instead of the long line echo of no to my move with so few romantic yes faint memories

I agree. See my reply to @Duchessa.


A friend of mine...whom according to her own words has been called "ugly" one too many times....told me she will never make the first move a) afraid of being rejected and b) no to give a man the satisfaction of approaching him.

Yeah, that rejection thing can and is a big deterrent. But men have had to bear that burden alone for ages. If we as woman want equality shouldn't we also share that burden?

Taking revenge on others for one bad prick is not fair to us Feminist Penis pals

@BeeHappy We are each individuals.

@GreenAtheist Apparently was more "than one bad prick", no revenge with her.


I am a shy unassuming guy, 4 real relationships in my life were instigates by the female, from dating, t o sex, to mutual exclusivity. I do date women where I have made the first move, but sadly to my dismay I have found out after the fact, numerous times, that girls I was keen on felt the same way, but I was too insecure.

Thanks for sharing your personal experiences. 🙂


Not to me.

skado Level 9 Jan 8, 2018

Gotcha 👍


Hi @BeeHappy
I've just encountered the following article and remembering this thread of yours I thought that everyone may find it interesting in that it opens and reveals frequently hidden perspectives.


Yes, interesting article. Even though a few people responding thought I was talking about the first move, in regard to sex, I was actually talking about the first contact either in person or online. The article does raise some valid points, that are often disregarded or laughed off. Thanks for sharing.


I've been out of the dating scene for many years. I too was a shy young man but it seemed like there was no shortage of girls making first contact. In today's world I would be concerned that what I said or did would be misconstrued. I have always been monagamous with the two serious girlfriends I had and with my wife of 45 years.

Oh, and religion was not a factor. I have been an agnostic since I can remember and my wife is same. To me it was a commitment that I made and I would have a hard time forgiving myself for breaking my word.


For me, yes. Mostly cause a face like mine tends to scare the hell out of people. Children flee, women faint, men weep. But if they approach me, they've already acknowledged they're not afraid and I don't have to fear the pitchforks.

Oh my! Lol


If the feelings mutual I guess it doesn't matter. If it's not mutual then it's at the least awkward no matter who initiated it.


In today's me too culture I am a the point where there won't be a move unless she makes it. Of course I work in Hollywood and the Weinstein scandal has the entire town on edge in town.
In the past it never bothered me cause in my life looking back it's been about 50/50 for me and I've never had a problem with it.


No. Not to me anyway. Of course, I am a gay man.

I think too many straight men base their masculinity (and self esteem) on leading and dominance. For such men it probably matters.


I don't think it matters


Never did; depends solely on the interpretation of the receiver.

mzee Level 7 Jan 8, 2018

To be honest, with all the sexual harassment stuff going on these days and the 'I'm at the ____ I don't want to be hit on' mentality, I'm very uncomfortable making any kind of moves or even letting women know I'm attracted to them. Hell, there was even a post on here (a dating site) a few days ago about men telling women they are attractive in opening messages. I'm probably going to be alone until I die, cause I don't think I'm attractive enough for a woman to seek me out and hit on me. I guess it's because I haven't had to deal with it like women have, but I'd LOVE it if tons of women were always hitting on me.


Every situation is infinitely different but after a certain age delicate questions of virginity, family virtue /opinion, society opinion and religious opinion deserve to be recognised for the OCPD controlling behaviour that it is and kicked vigorously out of the window.
Seriously guys I have rarely found that sex is any good until months have been spent intimately exchanging beliefs, desires, practice and growing absolute trust to enable unfettered consummation of mutual ecstasy. It all starts with the first step and if you have a problem that you didn't take it you may end up just whistling Dixie to yourself. Carpe Diem
We can all be run over by a bus tomorrow. 🙂

Isn't that a contradiction? Taking months vs Carpe diem?

Lol @BeeHappy When I say take months I'm meaning that after rapid assessment you move the relationship forward to explore the joys of coitus but it usually takes quite a while to exchange preferences etc. Perhaps the analogy of running is useful ... we learn to crawl, then to walk, then to run, then to be Olympic champion ... all takes time however Carpe Diem is employed when the decision is made to put one arm followed by a knee on that journey of motion and enlightenment. 🙂

I get it, just stir the pot. LOL

@BeeHappy Your post and responses have opened up a memory for me of when similar occurred with me. A mother of 3 adult children was still very fragile after her husband of 30+ years took off with a younger woman. She after several years was needing adult physical interaction. Unfortunately I was not in the right headspace for an on going long term relationship even though we had amazing overlaps of compatibility. It was disappointing for both of us and as she ultimately took a lover who was of possessive or old fashioned insecurities the platonic relationship that could have developed never did. That's life. Regret but carry on with hope a-burning. 🙂

@BeeHappy to finish my last response a favourite piece of poetry

How many mountains, how many rivers
Are still to be crossed before I gain
The land where solitude comes to an end?
Today, as ever, I travel on.
Bokusui Wakayama

@FrayedBear Thank you for the story and poetry, which I can relate to. It's much appreciated. 🙂

@BeeHappy I am new here but hope that one of the purposes of the site is to offer each other support, understanding and recognition through conversation and the sharing of anecdotes and experiences.

@FrayedBear. Yes! And you've nailed it.

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