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First impressions can be over-looked?

Does the first impression good, bad or indifferent relegate your opinion of a person for the entirety of your interaction with them?
I met an intentional date and his manner, opinion and surliness are sort of obnoxious but I've dated him now 3 times and have committed to another date???? I'm optimistic that I can find the redeeming quality that lies within him.....hmmmm, time to throw in the towel?

By chemicalromance4
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53 comments

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0

If he's rude and obnoxious that would be it! I met a guy that was from another country and I thought that over the phone that it was just our differences but when I met up with him at a restaurant, he was rude to the waiter's! Then he told me some rude things, I was done!

@Anniemae so true! I had to be overly nice to the wait staff, I didn't want them to spit in my food! Plus I felt bad for them having to answer to this Lurch!

@Anniemae it was very embarrassing! I left them a good tip!

7

I thoughtfully read all the comments and I’m taking an action item to cancel the next date, I’ve given the situation pleny of time for discovering “redeeming” like able qualities. Thank you all for your comments and advice.

Be careful after cancelling the date. Seriously!

@ADKSparky when I called to tell him, his comment was "not getting it for you huh?' Well I guess I'll go back to spending more time hunting and fishing...."

@chemicalromance Glad you cancelled. He's bad news and so full of himself. Sad. And be safe.

6

You deserve someone with more than one redeeming quality.

UUNJ Level 8 Sep 12, 2018
5

I've learned to pay attention to my gut. First impressions are important.

Why would you continue dating a man whose "manner, opinion and surliness are obnoxious"?

It can only go downhill from here.

5

I was with an obnoxious , surly misery for 23 years....during that time he drained the happiness out of me .The end result me being an anxious wreck....
Not any more....Life is too short to have a misery poultice draining your emotions dry.
I woukd get out now .....unless of course he has any redeeming qualities...?

Jaydee123 Level 5 Sep 13, 2018

Oh you are so right, time is too precious to me now that I’m 50

5

If you thought he was obnoxious and you still are questioning it three dates in, I'd say go with your first instinct. Move on to someone else. Don't settle for less than someone who you like from the beginning. Also.. Hi, I'm Darin. ?

5

It sounds like you're well beyond a first impression. If you haven't found a lot of good qualities by now it's time to move on.

Paracosm Level 8 Sep 13, 2018
5

Please don't tell me you think once you find that quality you can refine it and shape them into the person you want.

That rarely ends well. If ever.

Umbral Level 8 Sep 12, 2018
4

"sort of obnoxious" ?

Magic 8 Ball says Try Again...

With someone else!

4

If you are 3 dates in you are way beyond first impressions. If you haven't found any "redeaming qualities" why do you continue? I think the best thing to do would be to would be to back out now and continue looking for someone that you like of at least respect or are attracted to.

MsAl Level 7 Sep 13, 2018
4

What, besides optimism, keeps you coming back for repeat dates? What need or desire is being met? Is there something in his demeanor that, while sort of obnoxious, appeals to you? Do you find his surly temperament somewhat mysterious and even a bit alluring? Is he charming in some way that offsets his gruff attitude? When you're preparing for a date, are you excited or dreading it?

resserts Level 8 Sep 13, 2018

Good questions sir

4

There's a quote I like that goes more or less like this: if a person tells you who they are -- listen the FIRST time.

4

You are the ONLY one who can make that decision.

However, three dates and you're STILL looking for ONE redeeming quality?

KKGator Level 9 Sep 12, 2018

Good point.

3

I'd say that if after 3 dates, it's no longer a first impression but a pattern of behavior.

Wrytyr Level 7 Sep 14, 2018
3

Usually people are trying to be on their best behavior for a planned first meeting and you found him surly!?! There must be some good qualities if your heading for a fourth helping...

Donna_I Level 7 Sep 13, 2018
3

Have you tried to ask him about it? If you do and the answer is "deal with it, love me or leave me" run like the wind. However, if the answer is "ooh no, I am so nervous around you I don't know how to act, I am so sorry" I would give him another chance.

3

I rely on first impressions but will give a person a second chance based on the reasons why the first impression is not good. Surly and obnoxious? That guy, or woman, would not have gotten a second chance. I estimate, though, that 99% of the time when I did give a person a second chance, I should have gone with the first impression.

Of course, I have had positive impressions that did not bear out. Usually, the person had a great personality, but was flaky as heck.

I have had men whose first impressions of me have been waaaay off-base; they think that because I am friendly, it means a sexual interest. Really, dude.

My sentiments and reasoning behind giving him extra chances, I thought first time was possibly me, second time I thought it was him but the third time I’m really not that interested to even find out why he has that demeanor.

3

I have overlooked bad first impressions in the past. It's always, always been a stupid thing to do. I keep telling myself "never again".

moonmaid Level 8 Sep 13, 2018

I've studied how she's phrased all this. She never said that the first impression was bad or good. Perhaps, it was to hide that her first impression was mostly superficial in nature. It could have been something like, "Damn! He's hot, but annoying! I'm going to keep dating him and hope he gets less annoying!" If that were the case, it certainly would not appear that her giving this person as many chances as she did, to be such a noble, selfless, and admirable thing. And, that being the case, a little careful wording was in order for the questions that she asked. One does not keep dating someone unless at least one box is ticked, and it's hard to escape the singular notion that she finds him attractive.... A not entirely bad, first impression. There is nothing right or wrong in this. But, neither does it raise a person to the level of a Saint. If I'm completely off the mark, feel free to correct me.

@bluesmagoos i was not commenting on her actions but rather my own. My impression from the post was that she didn't find much likeable about the guy but was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Women are taught to do these things. Often to our own detriment.

@moonmaid By stating that you've overlooked bad first impressions, it pretty much says that you're assuming she had a bad first impression. Otherwise, why bring it up? She obviously liked something about him. Do you think she would keep agreeing to more dates if he was a drooling, troll?

@bluesmagoos One never know why others do what they do.

3

It looks like you decided to cancel and that seems like a logical choice. The language of your initial post screams "Don't do it!" Seriously, I think people want to see the best in others and give them the benefit of the doubt, especially women, but it's important to not ignore red flags or a simple poor match. Best of luck to you on future dates.

3

You need to get out more! Have you tried asking yourself how you will feel in 6 months about your wasting your life if you find one shredd of "goodness" in him and keep seeing him?
YOU CANNOT SAVE/CHANGE ANYONE, EVER!

I tend to agree, but I think you might be able to but forth the impetus for someone to change themselves, however slim that might be.

@jlynn37 nope. Only they can do it, and the impetus cannot be from someone else, unless that someone else remains Perfect forever.....

3

The importance that people attach to first impressions is somewhat akin to judging a book by it's cover.

ASTRALMAX Level 7 Sep 13, 2018
3

no. i do not ignore first impressions but i try to be open to correction if i've caught someone on a bad day or misunderstood them or misassessed them in some way. however, if someone continues to be obnoxious, that's not a first impression anymore and warning bells should be going off in your head. if you have a towel, throw it at him.

g

genessa Level 8 Sep 12, 2018
3

Surliness and sort of obnoxious? He sounds lovely. That would send me running the opposite way, but, that's just me. I'm to old to waste time with someone surly and obnoxious.

2

Run and don't look back.

Sticks48 Level 9 Sep 24, 2018
2

You should know from the first time you meet if there is that special feeling for someone. Time to throw in the towel, and move on to the next one.

2

No,surliness can only get worse,drifting into control issues,especially if you form a couple you work,he does not, so any lateness from your work makes him more controlling.

Mike1947 Level 7 Sep 14, 2018
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