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Is it right to only stay with your partner for the sake of the kids?

Kitty-kosmo85 4 Jan 30

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47 comments

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0

Your kids will pick up on the animosity and will eventually act out on it. Why show your kids to keep doing something you dislike. Encourage your kids to have a respectful relationship. Otherwise they will have the monkey in the box syndrome and repeat what they learn at home in their relationships..

4

Every situation is different. if there is physical or emotional abuse- most likely not. If the kids are learning that violence or extreme substance abuse is acceptable in any situation, it's probably time to end it. Most kids tend to become their parents.

3

My parents did, and thirty years later, my dad asked me the same question. The answer, imho, is always no. You are modeling what a marriage should look like, and if it's not going well, you are inadvertently teaching your child(ren) what to expect in their future relationships.

Marriage therapy can help, whether it exposes the issues you have to work on or simply proves to you that it's time to move on. Happy, single parents are better role models than unhappy, married parents. (I'm currently in the former category, and both my son and I are much happier.)

3

If it is abusive NO. If it isn't, you have to decide what you can put up with. Good luck.

JK666 Level 7 Jan 30, 2018
2

I did. It was not a good situation. I don’t recommend it.

2

There is no pat answer to that question. It depends on the people involved and on the question of which choice will do the least harm.

2

I'll echo the good advice already given here by re-wording it this way: the quicker you should leave is in direct proportion to the amount of abuse going on. I took myself out of the picture from my wife and kids for that reason: I didn't want them to watch their father being physically and mentally abused. It was the only way their mother knew how to relate with me. Her way or the highway. I took the highway.

I have a male friend who stayed 17 years in that situation. It was not a good thing - which he now recognizes,

2

Lots of grey on this one.

2

It depends on the relationship you have with your partner. If you guys fight majority of the time, or if one of the two is physically or mentally abusive then don't stay. It will do more harm to the child being around that. Well that is just my opinion.

2

Definitely, NOT. And in addition, NO, NO and NO. NOPE, NO WAY. Don't do it. NO.

SamL Level 7 Jan 30, 2018
1

I separated from my ex-wife when my daughter was only two years old. When I reflect on it I have to say it was the right thing to do at the time. A child should not have to see the parents constantly quarrelling with one another.

1

No that shouldn't be the deciding factor. The kids will know that the relationship is awful. This happened to my cousin - one of his kids confronted him finally and said "Really? How much longer are you going to make yourself miserable?". The child was a freshman in HS.

1

I’m facing the same question, I don’t think it’s fair to use the kids as an excuse to do anything, they are too young to be responsible for the whereabouts of their parents relationship, my biggest fear right now is to be separated from them, but I know We’ll never reach my full potential if we stay together.

1

That depends. How bad is it?

1

My parents did, and thirty years later, my dad asked me the same question. The answer, imho, is always no. You are modeling what a marriage should look like, and if it's not going well, you are inadvertently teaching your child(ren) what to expect in their future relationships.

Marriage therapy can help, whether it exposes the issues you have to work on or simply proves to you that it's time to move on. Happy, single parents are better role models than unhappy, married parents. (I'm currently in the former category, and both my son and I are much happier.)

1

Never..kids Always know and Feel the anger and tension..

1

sounds like a miserable life to me

1

That is very personal and only the couple should decide that. I wouldn't. But if you ask my kids... their answer will be FUCKING YES!!!!

Your children would rather their parents stay together in an unhealthy, stressful relationship, than split and find happiness with other partners and be better able to provide loving, stable homes for them?

@icolan My children liked me home and not in Germany. My children wanted Daddy and Mommy together... that is what children knew that is what they wanted. Parents together. I was fun to be around. There was no arguments or fights. I don't argue, I don't fight, I don't scream... there were no whippings or alcohol abuse incidents. They wanted us together. They still Bitch about it. Our Home was the Stable Home they Wanted.

@GipsyOfNewSpain If you were able to give your children a stable, loving home without the tension and stress caused by a failing relationship, I congratulate you.

@icolan Oh no... I took the orders to Germany on a legal separation and 2 years later we divorced and she receive half of my military pension and she still straight me out when I need to. But anyone that think they know and understand how their children think is well naive. My parent didn't know about how I was inside. One of my daughters wanted to live with me in Germany... hell, my son only want us together period. My other daughter was mad like hell because she was told I was an asshole. We spared our kids from the fights to come... we went on in our separate destinies. And even one moment with our eldest when ex visiting Jacksonville... we went out with a date of her to dinner... the guy thought we were still together as a couple. I always say it was important to me to show my kids how to handle a divorce. So if their time comes they can walk out of a bad situation without fear and I am one of those lovers better at goodbye than at hello.

@GipsyOfNewSpain Ok, this is a bit different. Your children may have wanted their parents together at any price but that is where you come in as the adult and make the right choice for them. A loving, stable, two parent home may be the best situation to raise children but a pair of single parent homes or a primary single parent home is better than a home where the adults have chosen to say together "for the kids". Even if they don't fight or argue or bad mouth each other in front of the kids, if the parents are not getting along that creates tension and stress that the children pick up on and it will create an unhealthy environment for them.

@icolan 100% true. I dated someone parents were together for the "girls" they were raising. but they both have somebody else and the girls knew it and that didn't help out at all. The way I looked at it was... they were getting at home a bad example so how in the hell I gonna marry her. No Way. I had a little thing first with her older sister before her. And her young sister was a hottie tamale too. All 3 were. To us... we did right and kids never saw any fights or arguments that we should regret now. We have no problems with them now. So we luck out despite they might still be bitching because we let them bitch. But they are over it and now they understand that we did the grown up thing when we could. Never easy.

0

No. If you parents are miserable they well will sense it and it will affect them just as much, if not more.

0

Situation specific. I guess if you can find a way be 'friends' with the other parent of your child, yes. If there is conflict, no. Marriage is essentially for child rearing.

GinoG Level 4 Aug 4, 2018
0

That depends on how toxic the relationship is. I did that and regretted it, but it did allow me to protect my daughter.

0

No, not in my opinion. You are putting yourself and your partner under stress and that isn’t good for the kids

0

For me it's a little more complicated than just "yes" or "no." If a relationship is toxic, then it's best to get those kids out of there ASAP. If there are serious unresolved issues in the relationship, even though they're not talked about, they could still be a problem. There's an old saying in acting classes: "It reads." That means that a lot of the preparation actors do isn't necessary going to "be visible" in the show, but "it reads." It's there, and the audience recognizes it whether they realize that or not. So if those issues are present, it's best to address them.

But depending on the age of the kids, and if you're able to get along, it might help. Parents breaking up can have a significant impact on a child's psyche. But there are all those other factors that should be considered.

0

In this day and age I think it's ok to move on. Many of my friends have children from previous relationship and have maintained healthy enough relationships with the ex for the sake of the kids. But to stay in an unhealthy situation teaches the children to settle for unhappiness and I think that does far more damage in the long run.

0

Me and my ex split as we knew are relationship was not good and was toxic for the girls

0

Children learn from your example so ask yourself: what would you want them to learn for when they are in the same situation? The answer is probably something along the lines of: “Don’t run at the first sign of trouble but don’t remain in an untenable situation for the sake of others. Be kind but not weak. If things don’t work out be respectful and work together as best as you can for the good of your children. But don’t be afraid to go your way and be happy” What you really don’t want them to learn is that it’s acceptable to sacrifice your own happiness for others and then poison everything with quiet resentment.

Skald Level 2 Feb 4, 2018
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