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Dating married men?

As a religious person, I determined right and wrong based on a set of rules. Now that those rules are out the window, I don't reject any possibility without seriously considering it first. I say this because I feel the need to justify why I'm even considering doing something that I think most people would reject out of hand.

I met a man and we had our first date today. I like him a lot. He told me half way through the date that he's married and if I choose to continue seeing him his wife would never know about us. That's the only thing that would stop me from continuing to see him. He said there's no pressure, that whatever decision I make he will respect and that I can end it at any time.

I would really love open-minded thoughts about this. If his wife knew and was okay with it, the decision would be made already. It's just that one aspect that makes this questionable for me. What do you think is the right thing to do and why?

EDIT: I've decided against it. The risks are far greater than the benefits. Thank you all for your help. I'm glad I have a forum where I can ask this question and have an honest discussion about it.

UpsideDownAgain 7 Oct 24
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31 comments

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1

Prejudice is a terrible thing...... None of this will matter 50 years from today. None.

What's prejudiced about not wanting to lay down with a snake?

@BufftonBeotch I don't have to explain myself to you or anybody for that matter and I wish @Meili could see it herself. She doesn't need to ask and doesn't need (again) all this prejudice. I just wonder what gives you the moral ground to call a snake someone you don't even know? Based on the information that has been provided the guy told her where things are so she can take it or leave it. If he is going to use her then she can use him and both win. Everyone is so pure to tell her this is bad but none will be by her side when she will be all alone. @Meili, thosand times go for it and fail than listening to prejudice and wonder what it could have been forever.

@IamNobody
I really doubt she'll be "all alone" if she sends this clown back down the road he pranced up.

@BufftonBeotch My point is, that's for her to make that choice. They are both adults.

@IamNobody Thanks for your open-mindedness.

I did need to ask, not because I want someone to tell me what to do, but because I was raised in such a narrow-minded environment that I don't feel I have enough understanding to make this decision. I have made incredibly foolish decisions on my own and have learned to reach out to people for help. I knew that there would be people who shut down the idea but I also expected that there would be responses by those who had some experience and could give me good, solid information. At the very least, I knew there would be insights outside of, "do this and you'll go to hell."

Discussing this has raised so many ideas that I hadn't considered. At some point in the next day or two after I feel like I've heard all I need to, I will sit down with my notebook and pen and hash all this out on paper. I'll ask myself the questions raised here and I will make the decision one way or another for myself. I'll own that decision. When the consequences of this choice play out, I will know there is no one to blame or give credit to but myself.

@Meili Oky doky, whatever you decide, I've just like to wish you the best of luck going forward.

10

I’ve had this happen to me several times and I get asked out by men that I know are married often. This is the oldest trick in the book. They’re not getting the attention they they want at home so they want to have thier cake and eat it too. I made a decision as to my worth. I am not going to be a man’s side piece. I deserve more and will get more. He will never leave his wife.

Can you explain further about how you feel this reflects on your worth?

@Meili My worth is that I will never put myself in a position to be second place. There’s a lot of great guys out there that will not need to lie about a wife at home or have to keep you secret.

9

Any relationship that requires secrecy is inherently wrong.

7

I don't date married women. Okay, maybe it is different if it's an open relationship, but obviously that's not the case. I value integrity. I won't knowingly date a liar.

JimG Level 8 Oct 24, 2018

Neither will I.

7

I never date married men. Come to think of it, l don't date single men either.

7

If you continue you're going to develop feelings, don't kid yourself, and then you'll have a mess on your hands.
Best case scenario is he's an overlapper but most won't leave their SOs due to the financial and social fallout. He would really have to be done and there's no way you can know that without getting up to your neck in it either way.
With all the parameters he set forth that you could leave anytime, that he waited until the middle of your date to tell you says to me he's done this before. Just my feeling. I would be pissed off.
It would be another thing if he told you up front and you continued on..that's your choice.

Tons of things to consider; are there kids involved?
His wife might flip if she finds out, that could go all sorts of ways.

I wish people who were unhappy in their situations would just leave instead of creating moral dilemmas for all concerned.

That said I've a girlfriend who full out hates her husband and been cheating on him for years. I know she doesn't want to leave for the financial angle. Her husband is a terrible father. To me it's awful that she stays... idk

If your guy doesn't leave his wife and you develop mad feelings for him you're in for a world of hurt.
It's like smoking, much easier not to go there than to quit later.

I am actually considering this from the perspective that I won't develop feelings, at least not feelings that will make it difficult for me to break things off if I feel the need. Perhaps I need to consider that possibility.

@Meili Oh man. Well I thought the same thing with a situation, except that was a guy with a long time girlfriend, then I caught feelings, fierce. I wish I hadn't. I'll admit I didn't believe he had one at first...thought it was a ruse to suss me out. Boy was I wrong!

One thing I've noticed, not having a lot of experience in a "poachy" type situation...is that there is a part of you that feels special they're going outside of their circumstance with you...don't indulge that for your own sake.

I've also had flings that turned into boyfriends where it started out with me thinking I was just passing time, bored and while I continued to see other people I still freaking caught feels.

@Qualia Wow. Thanks so much for sharing. I'll consider this possibility.

7

Your choice.

A common observation about similar scenarios is: If he is dishonest about you with his wife, it is also likely he will be dishonest with you.

6

The wife always finds out. To me this guy is a bottom feeder. If you were to get involved with him, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you? To me it's not a matter of right or wrong per se. If he has to sneak around, then it would hurt her to know. I would not want to be the instrument of her pain. Besides, aren't you really too good to be kept a secret?

6

He lied to his wife when he said he'd be faithful. He lied to sneak out for your date. He's made it clear you will be his secret & he's made it clear he has no qualms about lying & cheating. Not only that, but he wants you to not only be ok with it but wants you to be an active & willing particpant in his lying & cheating.

If he had an open relationship & the wife knew & was ok with it, great. But he doesn't have that, she doesn't know & she would not approve.

So the real question is, will your integrity, personal ethics, morality, & self respect allow you to be a partner to his lying & cheating?

That's what I'm asking myself. Is it really wrong if he's the one doing the lying? Am I taking advantage of an already unhappy situation? I think you might have a really good point.

6

First date?

Cut loose and don't look back.

He's a complete user with no consideration of anything.

5

Well .. he's a liar. Why would you want to date a liar?

Everybody lies.

@Meili I'm not talking Little White Lies.

@Meili How 'bout this - how would you feel if YOU were the wife, and found out ...?

@evergreen It would be totally different than his wife. I lean toward open marriage.

@Meili well that's a whole other concept.

@Meili Is this an "open marriage" if his wife doesn't know about his other sexual partners?

@Meili Fine. But that's a mutually conscious choice - this situation would not be.

3

I guess it depends on what you want or like from a relationship. He says his wife will never know, so obviously he lies to her. Are you comfortable dating a man who cheats on, and lies to his wife? Can you respect someone like that?Will her feelings matter to you if she does find out, and she hurts and suffers for it? If they have children and they find out will you be ok with the damage it could cause them? He says that there is no pressure, and will respect any decision you make, and that you can end it at anytime. That tells me that he's not intending this to be anything more than a casual hookup however long it lasts, and that he has no intentions of developing any deep feelings for you. He can take you or leave you. He will find someone else if not you. No big deal. Are you ok not being special to this guy?

Women pick up on "Vibrations",their Men are somewhat distant,their minds wander,affections drop off.Soon,confrontation time,and ultimatums are next.....

Thanks. Good questions.

I feel like he is the one hurting his wife. If he doesn't hook up with me, it will be someone. She'll be hurt or not regardless of what I do.

And yes, I'm okay with not being special to this guy. I wouldn't even be considering it if I thought otherwise.

So the kicker is, am I comfortable dating a man who cheats on his wife. I really don't know . . .

3

Simple .Put yourself in his wife's shoes,how would you feel ..plus a guy that would cheat on his wife unless they were separated is a bum in the first place. This question is more of a case of morality.

3

His wife may well find out or at least suspect he's cheating on her. Do you want to help him hurt her like that? Does he have kids? Cheaters don't seem to consider the impact marriage problems or divorce will have on their kids.

If he didn't mention this "minor fact" when he asked you out, he's even more of a creep.

Carin Level 8 Oct 24, 2018
2

In general I feel favorably toward polygamy and unfavorably toward lies and deceit.

Do you live in the same community with the man's wife? If so, it is likely that she will eventually figure out what is going on, and what she will do then is a guess. Does she own a gun?

Aviator Charles Lindbergh managed to keep 3 mistresses and seven children a secret during his lifetime. It helped a lot that those three women didn't live on the same continent as his wife. According to the children of the late Brigitte Hesshaimer who made their parentage public, their mother's face lit up whenever she talked about their father "You could see how happy and excited my mother was when she spoke about him," Mr Hesshaimer said. "I could see how intimate they were." [telegraph.co.uk]

Does she own a gun? Probably something to think about . . .

2

It will all end with tears and you will be the one who cries the most because you know that this is wrong.

2

You probably don’t want my input. I don’t believe in morality. I would do whatever I want whether other people think it’s right or wrong.

You have to ask yourself if this situation makes sense to you. Is this something you really want to do? Does it benefit you now and in the future? If you have doubts then you probably already know what your decision ought to be.

I'm not sure if I believe in morality or not. I think I'm leaning toward not. I don't think lying is wrong in and of itself. If a woman knows she will be beat by her husband for telling the truth, it's not wrong for her to lie. It's the husband who is wrong.

I personally wouldn't demand that a man be completely sexually faithful to me. Only if that's what he wanted. So I can reason that the wife has part of the responsibility in his need to lie. He knows that if he tells the truth, she will lash out. But of course, there are many other factors that color the situation as well, so it's not that simple.

"Is this something you really want to do?" That's what I'm trying to figure out.

"Does it benefit you now and in the future?" Good question. I think it has the potential to provide a little fun but could go very wrong and cause a lot of pain. I haven't considered that before now.

@Meili I think we are not unalike. I don’t follow other people’s conventions about relationships. I do what is right for me because it’s me I have to be able to live with. I’ve been accused of having no feelings or emotions or I’m not considerate of other people. And I don’t really care. If it doesn’t make sense to me, it just doesn’t make sense to me.

I know you are looking for feedback but ultimately you have to go with your rationale and your gut feeling. May be make a list of the positives and the negatives of this relationship for you. Do the positives outweigh the negatives or the other way around? Are you willing to take the risk of being hurt or hurting someone (and other risks you deem important to consider)? I’m sure none of us here has all the information to make the correct suggestions for you.

@graceylou I think we all get accused of being inconsiderate, no matter how hard we try or not to be mindful of others. I think the wisest people stop trying and learn to do what's best for them. At least for me, that means not intentionally hurting people because that doesn't make me feel good either.

Thanks for your suggestion. I intend to do just that.

@Bierbasstard I agree.

2

I hate cheaters from the bottom of my heart. It would make me sick to my stomach to be with someone who was cheating on their spouse.

2

Do you want to date a liar? He will be lying to his wife every day. Do you want to date someone who breaks his promises? I could only imagine one situation that an arrangement like that might not be too bad, which is if the wife is on her death bed, but even then I would seriously think about it.

1

I've got a bit of a personal perspective on this issue.

My wife has a very low libido, and my eyes had been wandering a bit. I decided I needed to be honest with her, and told her how I was feeling. I told her that if I met someone else that I was attracted to, I'd probably go for it.

She was not ok with this at all, and immediately told me I needed to leave. This was 2 years ago. We are still technically married, and we are still on good terms, but we are not together.

If I had said nothing, things might have been different. I needed to be honest, but I can see why others would choose to lie about having their needs met elsewhere. Being miserable is no way to live.

1

Men looking for sex will LIE like rugs to get it!

Pun intended?

@Meili thanks for noticing!

1

I'm curious on why you would want to be with this guy over any other guy (who logically would be more available physically and mentally)?

It's more a choice of being with him or being alone. I could go out and probably find other people but that means going out and risking rejection, along with all the other difficulties of finding someone. I have been making some half-hearted attempts to do that but I have been struggling to put any real energy into it. If I accept this guy's offer, I don't have to make any effort at all.

1

It's an exercise in falling for a wall, on which you will slam your head repeatedly.

It all depends on what you feel you deserve. To be a secret ? To have only part of a person ?

Up to you ...

1

Secret relationships are the most exciting of all. Go for it.

that's true until you find out your wife or your girlfriend is cheating on you. men always disappoint me when it comes to double standards .what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

@Kojaksmom Sad so many people don't get that being alive for twice+ what we were designed for requires acceptance of what humans do naturally.

Too much moral shit is interfering with how humans really behave, and want to.

@Kojaksmom Anyone should know that shit happens. That's life.

@Kojaksmom And that's quite an assumption you make there, by the way.

@Secretguy I could assume from my own personal experience . I'm simply stating a fact. a man might possibly get upset when he finds out that two of the kids that he's been raising are not his own. that shouldn't be a big deal to any man she was just doing what nature intended. Right?

1

Quite a few years ago I was on a hook-up site. I met this younger married woman with 6 kids. Her hubby had lost interest but her youngest was only 6 months old. As we talked I could not help but feel that it was wrong. Yes she needed to be wanted but I could not bring myself to be that guy. If things were different and a whole family did not depend on them staying together then I would have said okay its her choice but the sadness, nerves and guilt that she exuded was too overpowering.

1

Deception and heartbreak. To you, with you, at you.
And when she discovers what's going on (being a liar doesn't make you a good liar) When the family is broken and the children who never asked for this cry. When your tossed aside for the next sweet young thing. Will it have been worth it?

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