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When is it okay to say "I love you"?

Nick said "I love you" a week after we met. I was shocked. He seemed needy.

"It's too soon to talk about love," I replied. I felt pressured.

In past relationships, I waited approximately six months to a year before saying "I love you." Building trust takes time.

Your thoughts?

LiterateHiker 9 May 7
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60 comments (26 - 50)

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4

Yeah very subjective no time limit

4

That is too soon.

4

When you feel you must

4

It's said when you want to express it. Some short, some long. It's said when it's felt and needing to be expressed. No right, no wrong. Could be needy, could be clingy, could be codependent, could be loving, could be free spirited, could be amazingly supportive. Only one way to find out...

4

I also think that love takes time. And certainly more than one week! It would be nice to hear what particular thing he loves..."I love your smile", "I love your sense of humor", "I love the way you handle disappointment"....particulars. If he says it again....maybe you can see what it is and if he can define it. Somehow that would be more of a buildup of getting to know you as the person you are and if your feelings are mutual or heading in the same direction! I find it odd when people throw that word around so casually.

Yes it seems strange to me to get attached and bond to strangers so easily and quickly. Like is that a common thing for people??

@demifeministgal Good question...I certainly find myself in the category of 'cautious' in this area. I am friendly but not THAT friendly...ha ha. Some people share so much about themselves, for example, things that would probably take months for me to share.

4

yes there has to be a comfort level and on going affection for quite a while to make sure the chemistry is accurate,,i agree saying it too soon scares the other person and may cause a break off of the relationship,,so best to take it eay and enjoy life,,the right moment will come along in the future

So kind of like an impulse control thing? Not being able to control expressing things at appropriate times?

Yes. You get carried away in the heat of the moment and you engaged your mouth before consulting your brain. Yes impulse.

4

Yes, totally agree. There is no need to say anything like that when you are just getting to know each other and barely got a start on that just after a week. One must actually like someone first before even thinking about taking it to the next level.

4

IMO, way to soon! After one Week of having met. I agree with the needy assessment and not sure I could ever trust the person. Unstable comes to mind.

4

That sounds like love bombing to me. I had an ex that started talking about our future and if we were to be exclusive and about the future after just 1 date. It seemed bizarre then, but he was using it as a manipulative tool since he was a narc. Now I would be leery of any man that professed seriousness so soon. 😳

3

I just go with how l feel.

3

In any event just remember: These moments won't come back around. The short time we are allowed is precious and we have to make the most of it.

3

For me it would be 2 or 3 months to tell someone I 💘 them.

3

There are different levels of emotions and not everyone has the same speed limit.

3

Not letting things progress at their own pace seems a bit like fishing for reciprocation, but it would probably be preferable, at least from my perspective, to qualify these feelings instead by saying things like, "I love spending time with you, I love your take on the world, I love your personality, etc."

At this early stage, "I love you," seems to involve more questions than one might have later in the relationship. It's also an unfortunate reality that dating and partnering often pressures some people to try to "close the deal" as it were, out of fear the person they desire and have strong feelings for might "get away."

That being said, I remember someone once pointing out, "emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are."

3

Depends on what you mean by love. In the context of a relationship it can be dicey. I would explore why he said it. Use it as a way to talk about your relationship and were it is and were you are both looking to have it go. I find the idea of being threatened by it interesting. I get it I do and am in no way judging your response. Outside your specific situation which I know nothing about I think love means many things to many people. I mean can you take it as simply a sign of affection and a sign your relationship is growing? If you talk to him perhaps you will learn why he may feel needy. I think what you are both looking for is an important consideration. If you ask him about it and are honest about your reaction it may help either strengthen your relationship or end it before it gets deeper and more traumatic if it did end. Honesty is hard on all sides. But if he really values you as a person and partner he will listen and understand. If he reacts badly perhaps you will dodge a bullet as it were?

Quarm Level 6 May 7, 2019

@Quarm

I dodged a bullet. Every single day, Nick dropped by hungry without calling first.

He prowled in the kitchen, looking for something to eat. Raised to be a good hostess, I made him a protein smoothie or fed him dinner. Suddenly I was cooking for two. This was a big imposition.

"You are a great cook!" Nick said. He insisted he knew how to cook. But when he promised to make dinner, he brought fast food that I don't eat.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time," Maya Angelou said.

After 2-3 weeks, I dumped Nick because of serious problems with sex and communication.

@LiterateHiker I am glad. Love for him means dependency and a complete lack of boundaries. At the end of the day you gotta be honest, anything else just makes things messier and messier.

3

Why would there be a 'time' love is a feeling. honesty is important, saying it without feeling it wold be dishonest, not saying it while feeling it would be too.

a week, a month, seems right.. honestly waiting 6 months to a year is strange to me. if love hasnt bloomed in that long, welcome to the friend zone, Ive moved on to someone that understands their needs.

@delik

To each, his own.

I waited 1-1/2 years with Dan because he was terrified of love and commitment. He had never been married nor live with a woman. I knew he would freak out if I said "I love you."

We were having so much FUN: downhill skiing, hiking and weightlifting together. I loved the guy. So after 1-1/2 years, I leveled with him. Told Dan I loved him. I was right. Instantly he pulled away.

I broke up with Dan because it was too painful for me to love a man who was incapable of loving me in return.

We continued as friends and hiking partners. Alas, Dan moved to Utah. I lost my best hiking buddy and backpacking companion.

2

After you have an orgasm

2

I can feel love for someone quite quickly if it happens, but that has nothing to do with being in a relationship with them and is unconditional. I guess you are talking about falling 'in love' within a relationship, which is normally conditional. My feeling would be to express that if I felt it because there is no certainty that it will last... so enjoy it while I can.

2

When you truly, honestly, absolutely, for sure, deep-down-in your-heart, FEEL it !

Though, I find it wise to assess the possible ramifications that may result - beforehand.

2

I agree - it takes time to get to know someone. A week???!!! Are you kidding me? You can 'like' someone in a week, but 'love'....no way..... I would run for the hills.

2

What is love? I have had woman quickly tell me they love me. Perhaps at the moment they speak the words they're misinterpreteding their feelings. Perhaps his neurons and hormones are firing off a rate that prohibits clear cognitive thoughts.

Unity Level 7 May 8, 2019
2

I'm 35. I hardly ever tell my mother that I love her. I don't think I ever told my dad that. My kid sis, I hardly ever tell her as well. I've been friends with all of these people for over 30 years. I'd be a skeptic if he said those words after a week. Seems wonky.

Take care,

M.

2

That depends. It is only words and what do they actually mean. So many people say I love you but in the next breath call you horrible names.

@Wangobango3 Just look at all those domestic violence incidences. In one breath they tell you the love you and in another they hit you and call you names.

2

I have to say that saying you waited 6 months to a year sounds like you were holding back all that time, rather than being honest about how you felt. So, one could say you were as needy as anyone else, which is just a matter of desperation, not whether you're worthy or anything. It's not necessarily unhealthy to grab a life preserver when you're drowning, it's just a situation you both should be aware of and work with. It's not against the law to be lonely. If you can't handle meeting someone who's more than ready to start a relationship and who's willing to jump in with both feet, fine, but don't make it a crime and run into the night screaming. Of course building trust and everything takes time, but that's not the same as having the hots for someone. Just a thought. Personally I've held off getting involved with anyone for a very long time. That hasn't earned me any brownie points, and one could just as well say I haven't been willing to be open enough. Putting arbitrary time limits on how you feel and whether to express it is just another form of game playing.

However, I do agree that it takes time to know if you really love someone for who they are, not just how bad you need to be in a relationship. If you know someone hasn't gotten to know you well enough to love you, then yeah, they are at least a bit needy if not delusional or deceptive. For example, online dating sites are full of scammers who pelt unwary men and women with flowery promises of love, betting on their loneliness so's to take advantage of them.

What makes you think I hold back all the time? I prefer to be lovers and friends first, and see how the relationship develops. The only time I sat on my feelings was with Dan.

I waited 1-1/2 years with Dan because he was terrified of love and commitment. Dan had never been married nor live with a woman. I knew he would freak out if I said "I love you."

We were having fun downhill skiing, hiking and weightlifting together. I loved the guy. So after 1-1/2 years, I leveled with him. Told Dan I loved him. I was right. Instantly he pulled away.

I broke up with Dan because it was too painful for me to love a man who was incapable of loving me in return.

We continued as friends and hiking partners. Alas, Dan moved to Utah. I lost my favorite hiking and backpacking buddy.

LOL geeze so much criticism directed at hiker all because she LOGICALLY does not believe someone can love a stranger after one week. You are quite defensive of this random dude. Methinks you are a needy and love-bomber just like him, hence the defense of him. Learn the difference between infatuation/lust and love dude. Seems you struggle between differentiating between the two. Hint, love tends to stay after the honeymoon phase. 😉

@demifeministgal I can't help that you misinterpreted what I had to say, completely, but if you talk down to me and insult my intelligence again, I'll just block your rude, sarcastic self and that will be that. I have no patience for trolls.

@AlbertSchepis not a troll. Do what you want. good riddance to bad rubbish.

2

I wonder if saying "I love you" too early is a lack of empathy. If wonder if the right timing to say it is when you mean it AND you get enough signs from the other person that the feeling goes both ways. They say that time has no respect for what's done without it.

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