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I am in a really torn position right now, myself....it's weighing heavily on my heart. I've been on dating sites for about 4 months since my fiance passed away last year. Have had a few dates. One guy who showed interest from the beginning and we have grown close is kind, a gentleman, a hippie-ish type 63 year old, loves to hold hands, is Liberal like me, but doesn't have a lot going for himself, moneywise.I am comfortable, but not rich, and would like a guy who could go places and do things with me and be able to afford to pay his way. Also, he does not have a real strong sex drive. In the meantime, I met another guy online, also 63,a far right Republican(which I said I'd never date a Republican again), but he does treat me like I'm the best and sexiest thing ever, he has a nice house, is generous, and a strong sex drive ,,,which I super appreciate in my 60s.He loves to go places and do things. No money issues. Now, I am torn. I don't want to hurt the first guy, because he is so sweet and I know he has really fallen for me, but I don't want to miss out on the years I have left because he can't afford to travel and do thngs that I hunger for. But, the other guy, being far right, I have told him I just can't discuss politics or religion with him at this point,,,but I know other couples who are polar opposites, politically, and get along well. Suggestion or comments?

crazycat329 7 Mar 8
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29 comments

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0

It's hard to say. I have an FB friend who is younger than me, very religious, and she really likes nice things. We get along great but only talk on the phone. She knows I am atheist. We have not actually met. In order for us to get along as a couple I would need much more money, OR to win the lottery. LOL Then we are creatures of habit. I am comfortable with this woman but the situation reminds me so much of how it was with my wife of 12 years. I hold back because I would be setting myself up for the same thing again. Maybe the same failure.
Keep in mind that there is no time limit with grief. Do not let anyone rush you into another relationship in any way. If in doubt just tell these men you need more time. If they are not for you they will fall by the wayside.

13

Maybe neither one of them is right for you. I would spend some time trying to figure out what my "deal breakers" are and leave everything else open to experimentation.

totters off, intending to take her own advice

@irascible Only if I tell it well.

@Nottheonlyone isn't it awful...we know what the best advice is, but just can't seem to take it ourselves. I just love the companionship of a man ,,I admit it. And at 62, I see my days on this Earth getting shorter and shorter and don't want to squander time peckering around.

@crazycat329 It's a crazy world we live in, good luck

@Nottheonlyone Perfectly said! You sound like me.

@kmdskit3 Didn't you pretty much say that to me just a few days ago?

@Nottheonlyone This time I was referring to following our own advice. Pretty sure that wasn't what I had said before. I do make a decent number of comments on this site so I may have forgotten one.

@kmdskit3 No worries! Somebody said something like that, my memory isn't what it used to be!

Uhh... You sound like me again? 😉

8

I am NOT telling you what to do. But if it were me? I'd dump them both. 🙂
Guy #1: I'm not exactly financially comfortable but I get by. It would be problematic if I met a guy who couldn't afford to do the stuff I like to do because I'm not a kid anymore. I don't really care for travel but I'm a city woman who enjoys doing city things: movies, plays, dinners, occasional weekend getaways by car, etc. I can sit home and watch TV by myself.
Guy #2: Republican? Yikes. I not only dated one, I moved in with him before I knew his political affiliation. Once I knew, it affected the relationship. We broke up for other reasons, but we stay in touch. (But the good news is, he wasn't a trump supporter. 🙂 )

7

Give me the first guy. 🙂

marga Level 7 Mar 9, 2018

He is a sweet heart, for sure.

Yea, ummm, when money becomes the issue and you point your finger at him, do him a favor, go to the republican.

6

My feeling is, that you should enjoy this time and not rush into anything! You can go many places by yourself and that might be something you could explore, just to see how that feels. Whatever, you decide, best of luck.

4

I think they both have fatal flaws. I personally want to be with someone who can pay his own way, because my ex didn't work for much of our married life and now I'm stuck paying him alimony for five years. I also (personally) couldn't be anything more than friends with someone who is right wing. I can't keep my mouth shut...LOL. It sounds like you have more of a passion for the second guy, and if you are better able to rein in your opinions on religion and politics than I am, that might work.

Oh, it's super difficult for me to keep my yap shut over political/religious matters. I told him if we see each other, we have to avoid those matters and just enjoy each other. I plan to be a good influence on him. He said he used to be a Democrat, so, there's hope.

4

I'm not one to be giving relationship advice.... but, fyi, I find myself somewhat in the same boat. The women with whom I seem to share any mutual attraction are either rightwing, religious or both. I avoid any discussion of politics or religion and cannot see any hope that we could enjoy a serious relationship without having similar concepts and concerns for humanity and existence. Some people seem to have been able to cope with those differences, but -- for me -- that seems like a powder keg ready to blow.

Unfortunately I've noticed a pattern in the type of people who seem to be attracted to one another. For example on my late husband's side all his siblings are the wound up princess type and the spouses are mellow, including me. You can see it all down the line.

Could there be some kind of personality trait that tends to be on the liberal-ish side of things that has us attracting the opposite?

I'm so passionate about my religion and politics,,,especially right now with the orange jerk in power....trying times. Things like this didn't seem to be an issue in the past. Oh, if I could only take the best parts of each of these guys and mold them into one......

@crazycat329 I have thought that many times in my life

3

Next please!

Do you mean move on from both of them? as in "next"?

@crazycat329 Indeed

3

I don't think that either are right. It seems harder to find someone as you get older. There are a lot of duds out there. I think similar sex drives are important. Too bad you can't find that our until you are fairly far in to a relationship. So are similar values. In my opinion republican values can represent a certain me first attitude that can be a problem in a relationship.

Maybe they are both distractions till someone better comes along. Reservations with both. but, I do enjoy both of their company .

3

Consider:

Guy 2 is fucking you both. He is with you AND sawing Guy 1 off at the legs for being a retiree and him just by being "far right" Far right to me translates to "fucking asshole" yeah, he'll throw some long green on you for openers, but soon it will be apparent what his views on women are, guns, minorities, then youll REALLY be treated like a queen, and be locked up in the castle, doing nothing but watching fox and faking agreement.

Guy 2 will be complicit in the impending market crash and subprime auto loan bubble (he is on that team) so I recommend limiting travel plans some, and going with guy one.

I think what you are saying when you say "low sex drive" and "hippie" is that this fellow may smoke some reefer. Good for him. He sounds like a good timing fellow that won't demand governmental jurisdiction of your uterus like the other one. Know what is a lot of fun to repair? A low sex drive.

Id tell guy 2 to go poop in his red hat, no matter how nice the ride or how much money he had. Its Trumpmoney.

Please pardon my plain manner of speaking. I am an uncouth animal/ruthless barbarian leftist

Your manner of speaking doesn't bother me in the least. I have my uncouth moments as well,,,frequently. I think it's normal,,,until I look at my friends faces when we're having discussions--lol. Thanks for the input.

Right on, bro. Too bad you're young enough to be my son. Damn.

2

Whatever you decide about the Republican, this is your time. Don't spoil your life because you are afraid to hurt the other man. It may not be easy for you, but he'll recover. You would never recover from forming an exclusive alliance with the wrong person. Keep looking. You may find a sexy, financially comfortable liberal.

2

I could not have a deep relationship with someone whose values are so different from mine. My religion (or total lack thereof) and my progressive political leanings aren't just matters that can be blocked off and not spoken of. Politics and religion are about what we believe, how we perceive the world, often how selfish or compassionate we are...

Sooz Level 6 Mar 9, 2018

I've been saying for the past 10 years that I could never date a Republican. And lately ,have added Religious fanatics to the no no list. Something about this Right wing guy has me intrigued....perhaps the sex. I told my daughter I may keep seeing him purely for the sex--lol. Till the man of my dreams comes along.

1

What 'I' like is how you are being honest with yourself. In your place I would not make a decision just yet. I knew a woman who had 2 partners and she told each of them that she needed the 2 for the time being. To my surprise; they both bawlked then they both accepted and she was able to give each of them a break from herself on a regular basis. In time , as the two relationships each changed one of tem became less attractive to her and she to him.
The humanist requirement is to be honest with each of them.
Have Courage.

1

Date them both, while you look for more guys to date. You think I'm kidding.

I'm leaning toward this. For now.

1

Life to short the second guy for sure

1

Wow, you got a lot of good responses here. I would agree with the ones who say neither is right for you. Not sure if I could do the non-monogamy thing but if you can why not date both- at least for awhile? Good luck!

Agree....I'm loving the responses, and they are giving me much food for thought. I love this page and all the conversations. I think I will keep seeing both for awhile....it will help me make up my mind. Nothing is written in stone at this point.

@crazycat329 Sounds like a good plan. Hope there's not too much drama.

1

Wow, that is a quandary. Whichever you pick, and if you have to pick one, you're going to have regrets. FWIW, I'm in the final stages of a divorce(31 yrs) and I've started looking online to see what its like out there. The second on my list of no nos is rightwing Republican politics(in one woman's profile pics was a mug that said, "I wake up every morning happy that Donald Trump is President", Lol). OTOH, If she were hawt & rich & wanted me(yeah right) maybe I could overlook the conservative part. It would be hard to avoid. Hope you make the right choice. Good luck..!

It is a quandary. But, all the input here is helpful. Republican has been #1 on my Hell No list. For some reason, this guy is making me try to give him consideration. Sigh...deep breaths. Baby steps. Thank you.

1

Ya know, nothing says you can't see them both. It can be tricky, but that way there's no choice to make. The guys may not appreciate it, but is that your issue, or is it theirs? And as others have suggested, don't give up on finding another option. Disclaimer: This opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it, remember that. Good luck, hon.

I am leaning greatly toward this exact thing right now. If I can spend more time with each, I'll know....or maybe one or both will dump me and solve that issue. Thanks, man.

1

Which one do you really care about? That would be the most important question. Which one would you hurt the.mpst of you lost them. Which one most enriches your life?

1

If you can't decide then it's neither but that doesn't mean you have to ditch them. As a lady who no longer has to worry about unplanned pregnancies and is not afflicted with religiously based morals there is nothing wrong with dalliances while you continue to look for the keeper. Just be straight with them, say you are only in it for the fun, screw the one who wants to have sex, enjoy the company of the other, and basically just enjoy life. As long as you are not misleading anyone: no foul!

Kimba Level 7 Mar 9, 2018
1

If they both meet your needs, why limit yourself to one or the other?

Personally, I'd get the ignorant one out of my life as quickly as possible. You can find other guys with high(er) sex drives.

1

I think you have decided already but feel guilty about it. Actually taht doesn't come across right, sounds heartless on my part. I am trying to say something long the lines, you know which situation will suit you best, but you are a softy and don't want to hurt anyones feelings. Think of it this way. Which one will make you feel you have lost less when you choose them.

1

I would have a really hard time with that choice.
You'll have to weigh just how important traveling, money, intimacy is vs being able to have a conversation about world events is to you. Personally I'd have an extremely hard time not soaking up being treated like a queen.

It IS possible for people not to discuss these things. No one knew what my maternal grandfather's politics were ever he refused to discuss it and if you tried to corner him he was the master at deflection, which I've mad respect for his refusal to get sucked in, and we KNEW he had thoughts on the matter as he watched things like crossfire and various news shows on CNN back in the day.

I love that about your grandfather. There is hope. Thank you. It's so hard.

@crazycat329 Good luck. I'm curious what happens.
And thank you. To this day no one knows what my grandfather's politics were. He would never tell a soul who he voted for. Super kind, funny man he was too. He was a Jester in the Shriners.

0

Although I spent nearly a decade trying to "save" someone (she had emotional issues) and as a result wasted my prime years and sacrificed other opportunities, I have never been married and will likely continue to live my remaining years alone. I have witnessed many other relationships (marriages) grow and fail based on a number of factors. The primary factor that I noted was their partner being less intelligent and in two cases economically less fruitful, or just a major (insert expletive here). A discussion I had yesterday with a colleague who will be retiring this year and is not happy that her husband is not able to fix and or repair even the simplest mechanical task exemplifies the importance of choosing someone worthy that you can respect. I can also look at other colleagues who, after a year or two of great (married) sex, suffered for several years in an undesirable relationship before they were able to escape (at significant financial and/or emotional expense) from their unworthy partner. In once case, after the divorce, the girl's "X" found their checkbook and purchased an expensive engagement ring for his new girlfriend and no, she never got the money back. Perhaps I am a pessimist but I foresee some very hard times coming in the very near future as the health of Medicare, Medicaid and even Social Security are very much in doubt as a result of our Republican plutocracy allocating resources to the top .1%. I currently own (free and clear) my home, have no debt, and have managed to squirrel away many years worth of money and currently have a good job with adequate benefits. However, when I look into the near future, I see dark clouds approaching and can not help but wonder how long it will be before we, as a society, with economic, population, and ecological pressures, descend into the bleak times reflected in Steinbeck's "The Grapes Of Wrath" . . . or worse. In my eyes, this outlook disqualifies your first option. In addition, with regards to your second choice, It sounds like your second option is by your standards, more desirable for you and if your get a few good years of travel and adventure, may be in your best interest. If he is loaded and you get hooked up and later discover he in no longer tolerable, you may also be able to profit from your time investment. It is also possible you will change to appreciate his ((with the exception of sex drive) what I consider undesirable) attributes. For me, if your second option were a female with similar attributes, I would venture no further because I believe respect is necessity for a good relationship and I can not respect any Republican or theist. I wish you luck in making the best outcome based decision. I fully agree with Nottheonlyone's advice.

0

Wow. Sounds like Cali in 1849.

0

Keep looking. Guy 1 will feel like an anchor. Guy 2 is evil. His cash is immoral. Or both. Travel and spend as much if his cash as you can. Make him drop $ in beggar's cups, then dump him when his stink gets too pervasive, and go relax with the hippy until you're bored out of your skull, then start all over.

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