That is a really tough one - resentment is like a simmering fire inside - the old platitude 'time heals' is probably only useful if your'e on the road to recovering already - If you can let go have a good howl at the moon one night when youre on your own , physical stuff is good for anger like using up the energy in your body so that adrenaline levels are nor an issue, and if you do get to have a cry thats a real help too.

Except for the fact that I am the custodial parent and have been for eleven years, there may be some parallels in our stories. The issue here is probably not your kid but the other parent. I have watched my ex turn our son into an angry, sullen brat with no sense of responsibility and no respect for boundaries. When the ex isn't in the picture, (when she is incarcerated or otherwise out of the picture, which is currently the case), our son becomes respectful, pleasant, chatty, and responsible. For a long time, I was angry and frustrated by my son, and have come to realize that the real issue is still living up to the reasons that I filed for divorce. As far as custody, it is possible for an intelligent and well-read individual to represent themselves in court and save loads of money. It is also possible to win, even if the other person is represented by an attorney. In the end, resenting your child is allowing the manipulations of your ex to drive a wedge between you and your child. It is misdirected and isn't worth it.

Your son is a child who is being put into a psotion atht is traumatic for him. You don't say how old he is, but regardless, his mom has been arrested multiple times and his parents are not together. That is a lot to process. Don't resent him!! He needs you more then you may realize! Don't let him down, as much as it hurts you now, in the long run he'll see that love that you show him. Don't let him see the resentfulness. Project nothing but love and honesty! I really feel for you and know this has to be hard! Don't give up!

One thing I've learned from religion is the concept of forgiveness. I won't lie and say it always works, but it does, sometimes. It helps to say it out loud. And you may have to repeat it. He's your son, and you know you have to forgive him to move on. It hurts. And it's hard to forgive. What's the alternative? Resentment? Hate? Not good feelings to have toward your offspring. I keep remembering the old commercials they used to run. It may have been the Latter-day Saints. "Hate hurts you." I believe that. You may not be able to forget, but you need to forgive for your own well-being. Him getting away with what he did is not good, but I have to think he'll learn his own lesson the hard way, eventually.

My son did the same to me, lying in court, along with his dad, to get me in trouble after asking me to help him. He even threatened to shoot me while I slept, something his father had done. I simply stopped trying to talk to him or help him, since he soon turned 18 anyways, moved to LA, and never contacted me, told everyone not to give me his address or phone number. But to get rid of resentment, I suppose you and I both could use the NLP technique of imagining the bad incidents the way they should have happened, instead of how it did happen, since it replaces the original emotion of the incident with the ones associated with the new memory. I could imagine my son being kind, truthful, and loving, thus getting the emotions of pride and love that would bring.

Its still early days don't beat yourself up for having feelings its part of the process. when the time is right you will be able to open up some form of communication and find out his reasons for what he did and maybe work through it. sounds like he's going through a shitty time with his mum and that may be the reason for his behaviour. my advice would be keep doing what you are doing with child support and concentrate on yourself whilst letting your son know you will always be there for him . Put the ball in his park (or whatever the saying is )

Feeling resentful is ok, we are humans, and when you feel that it’s wrong to feel resentful for a long period, that is good. You can change that feeling by understanding your son; the things he was going through as a child, the things he witnessed, the way he was treated, and how much love, understanding, education he received or not. All of these things, plus our genes and environment makes us who we are, especially at early age when our brain is the most Influenceable. I do not know how old is your son, and how often you meet but try to understand him, to talk to him openly, without judging him. It’s not easy.

It is not easy, but you will have to forgive your son. He is being put in the middle and pulled by both sides, apparently, so so remember that he is in pain also. I went through a divorce when my daughter was four years old and her father was always uncooperative, to say the least. Having to deal with that situation over the years caused a lot of stress to my daughter and myself. I would never wish it on anyone. I wish you the best and appreciate your concern and desire to keep your son with you and to have the most positive relationship with him that you can. In spite of poor behavior at times by both of her parents, if I am honest, my daughter grew up to be a wonderful caring and strong adult, as I'm sure your son will, with a caring parent such as you are. Postscript: Just a few months ago, her father took a gun to himself and his girlfriend of many years who had finally tried to break up with him. Your love for your son is so important.

I am sorry that you are in this situation. Can you understand why he did it? I'm thinking maybe his mother manipulated him? At that age human beings are generally self centered and think in the present. I think understandng helps compassion. It was your choice to make that sale. That's a decision that you need to own. Can you understand why it is bothering you so much? Perhaps it is a continuation of things that his mother did to you that she is now doing through your children? It might help to blame the situation and circumstances rather than your son.

Wow.....that's really tough. Being a parent is soooooo hard sometimes. I find myself somewhat resentful and very very disappointed in much of what my adult daughter is doing these days. I keep on keepin' on though. I truly love her more than life itself, and I just keep hoping that in time she will grow out of that which is causing her to be and do things that give me grief. I think very few people get to say "my child is every parent's dream 100% of the time." My only suggestion would be to seek the guidance of a therapist to help manage and understand your own feelings. Besides that, like my therapist once told me, you don't ever ever ever give up on your kid - no matter what - emotionally, physically, figuratively or literally. No matter what they show on the outside, being abandoned by a parent is the worst thing that can happen to them and the damaging effects last a lifetime. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.

I feel for you. I'm glad you asked that question because I was in that situation before. It sucks being a parent sometimes. I haven't got over my son doing a similar thing to me over 10yrs ago. Sweep it under the rug and know that you followed thru on your commitment to your son and did the best you could. That's all you can do is your best. Hugs

I have some understanding of what you are suffering but do not have time to respond appropiately at this time. I will send you a private message later today after I am back home.

What freedompath said...the only thing I would add is that when your parent is doing things that they know will/could result in jail time, there is some selfish behavior going on here, unless it is doing something unfortunately necessary for the child...I have experience in this. The kid is gonna have resentment for all involved, whether deserved or not. The kid will also learn to manipulate behavior because he is probably having to do a lot of things on his own that parents are suppose to take care of...stuff is irrelevant...all 'stuff we think is precious' can be replaced with 'new stuff we think is precious'....kids lie....it's funny when they are bad at it, but what we don't know is that is them practicing on being good at it.

I had another thought...you may feel very vulnerable over this situation, like you lost control and could not change it or go back...if so, just know that there will be lots of situations, that will be out of your control and all that you can do is, 'take the bull by the horns'...and try and solve the problem to the best of your ability! That is all anyone can do.

I boss them around a little bit and make up a bullshit chore to exert my dominance.

I surely want to tackle this problem with you. I have 5 children...all 54-62. Now, you have every right to be crushed! Having to struggle for money is no picnic, I have done that most of my life, too! You must mend your disappointed heart and get back to being a father. But, you must remember your child is still just that...he is not a wise person yet! If he has indeed lied, it seems that you and your ex, need to figure out a reasonable punishment for those actions, something suitable to his age. And then, treat your son with all the love and respect that you can muster. Don't lay on your son the burden of his guilt, for a long period of time! This will not help him to be more forthcoming in the future. If your son is old enough, you might report(calmly) to him, what it cost you, when he failed to tell the truth. After that, Praise him, when he does the right thing and show him, in many different ways that you love him. You may need to enlist the help from a counselor, because your child may be going thru more than you know about. What ever you do, you must get your own equallibrium back, because your child may start to believe that his own father does not love him and worse that he does not deserve to be loved. No child should think he is not worthy of his own father's love. I have had lots of these kinds of things happen with my children over the years and I had 5 of them! And, I can say it was always hard to gather myself up and do what is right for my child, but I managed to do it.(not perfectly)...parenting is hard work, but the work must be done, because we cannot go back and do it over, if we fail! I surely feel for you...good luck.

It does depend on his age and maturity level. Kids don't understand, they want what they want at the time and use what ever means. Sad but true. He is no different to millions of others. Remind him when he is older what happened.

Man I'm probably going to be a real shitty parent because I believe that blood doesn't make family, and it's okay to be upset and a little resentful for what he did. I'd be on strict 'earn trust back' probation. It's obvious he's being raised in a less than healthy situation, so there's probably a lot of negative influence going on, but in the end he is him and you are you and sometimes you can bend over backwards to help your kid and have them stab you in the back. I hope things work out for you, but parent or not, your feelings are yours and you're entitled to feel them.

Oh honey I’m so sorry. I recently got divorced. My ex is an amazing dad and I would NEVER deny him access to our daughters. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s so difficult. My youngest is having a lot of issues (failing classes, truancy, etc). I’m just hoping eventually she’ll appreciate the time and effort I put into her. It’s very difficult to not be resentful. She refuses to live with me and it breaks my heart. Best of luck to you.

Welcome to the human world. you can't choose your family. it is what it is.