I try to be funny. a lot of times people don’t get my humour. Ican be an aquired taste.

I have said, "You know my grandfather lived to be in his nintie
s, do you know what his secret was? He learned to mind his own business."

Im almost horrified to admit this, and not intending to insult anyone, but without exception, every single comment I just read was cringeworthy at best. I mean a couple were ok....maybe.. in the early 90's? Cmon people!! If someone asks an inappropriate question (and I do not consider asking about weight loss inappropriate, I consider it a compliment) then feed into the morbid fantasy of the human species, why not?? But instead of saying, yep about 40 lbs! Then walking away while casually mentioning, thanks for noticing! To say, yeah about 265, cause this deadbeat dude aint on my hip etcetc. I know its not an exact quote but thats the impression left by such answers.

Look I know its awkward as fuck right now and I feel it myself how much of an asshole im coming off as so ill extend an olive branch. I understand the desire to avoid the feeling of being trapped and the intuition of knowing, "where this conversation is headed." I just don't know if this attitude is always the right way to look at these instances. Im trying to pick my words graciously here, but I simply can not express this sentiment as deeply and as impactfully as I feel it is necessary for others to really grasp the depth to which this is the truth... and that is, in our individual realities, we are, each of us, and in our own ways, the stars of the show. I can see you, (you reading this) are a human being, you have a nose, right. I can not see how complex and brilliant your mind is. People arent asking questions of each other to find out how much weight youve lost. They are asking questions to show you how well they pay attention to something theyve literally spent about 3 seconds thinking about in their entire life, on a subject youve likely been thinking about for a minimum of a couple months if not a lifetime. So to get an admittedly quick witted response to a question that is illposed in the first place doesnt end conversation due to this mind bending wit of yours. It ends conversation because the assumption to begin with, is not only false, but it fails to recognize the actual point being raised, that I noticed you.

It sounds like your fluent in sarcasm.

I have been heard to tell someone, "If I wanted any [insert your favorite word for fecal matter] from you, I'd kick your ass and scrape it off my shoe."

Typically this is in a comedic setting, so don't go worrying about me being all agressive and stuff.

I LIVE to control the conversation with humor, and, depending on the company, I can be quite "inappropriate". I can't do it on demand, though, it is just spontaneous combustible banter.

If someone ask are you going to church, say no I am already saved. I have a ton of them just so happens my night was terrible and barely slept brain us not functioning to capacity.

Once a teacher said to parent: "Are you looking for Mrs. S, the teacher with an accent? " I jumped back with "" I speak four languages; that's why I have an accent and you don't."
BE, I only speak 2 languages and 1/4 of a third.

Whenever someone wants me to "Come round and just rub my tits all over them." I promise to leave them one in my will then they can do with it what they like. I must admit I'd have to be a sow to keep all those promises.

I often tell my co workers to wait right there while I go find someone that gives a f*"k what they think.
A tad aggressive but it shuts people up

What are you doing this weekend? Mainly minding my own business.

That's my go-to joke for when people mention my weight. It's metaphorical, yet some how still very true.

I opt for being blunt...I have a friend who calls me BFT (blunt force trauma) on a regular basis. But on occasion, I will comeback with something witty and humorous. #nottakinganyonesshit #tothepoint #crymeariver

My dad used to reply to questions like this by asking "why? are you writing a book?" And if the answer was yes he'd say "then leave that chapter out." I have found that asking why they want to know usually makes someone think about what they have asked.

And one advantage to having some hearing issues is simply to ask for the question to be repeated. The questioner has the opportunity to withdraw and everyone saves face.

All the time. People say the stupidest things without thinking or trying to please.I usually go with whatever comes to mind.I'm pretty quick on my feet. (Mentally)

I love your answers.

Member of management: I notice you take vacation on halloween, do you practice witchcraft?
Me: Your're not allowed to ask me that

Spent several years being amused by his fear.

Jerk: god you're such a fatass bet you own stock in mcdonalds
Me: I can always lose weight, but you'll always have a tiny dick

I was asked by a smartass coworker... " Hey old buddy you gettin much lately... (responded)... you'd probably think it was a lot " ... end of conversation, also, was loud enough for those present to hear... are you wondering what "gettin much" was... really?

Most definitely. You seem to be doing fine on your own. Not sure you need help.

I get this one all the time; " Wow are you ever tall." My answer usually goes; "I hadn't noticed, I just thought you were really short."

I don't put any weight into things people say about me. It makes these responses unnecessary.

"Do you play basketball?"

"No, are you a jockey?"

I always figure out the best thing to say... as soon as the conversation is already over.

I work in the service industry and get called a "mother fucker" more that you'd expect for northern Utah. Back when I was still married I'd point to my wedding ring and say "yeah I am". Usually shut them up pretty good. ?