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What are your best comebacks/quips when someone asks a question or makes a statement that is just a little too familiar?

For example, last week a coworker had to mention that I was wearing make up (a rarity due to allergies). Not feeling particularly chatty (too much blood in my caffeine system) I told her, "well you know, kinda like putting a new coat of paint on an old whore house...ah...haunted house I mean...(long pause) fruedian slip." & walked away.

Today a coworker asked if I was ok since it looked like I had lost weight (down 40 pounds). Its no secret, I've changed my eating habits & I'm in the gym often but said, "yeah, I'm working on it."
She asks "how much have you lost?", a statement I have found which does not lead anywhere good.
Me: "265 pounds if you count my ex." Convo over.

Have you found coming back with a bit of a joke stops people from heading down the wrong conversational path better than blunt refusals?

SallyInStitches 7 Mar 13

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39 comments

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0

If someone ask are you going to church, say no I am already saved. I have a ton of them just so happens my night was terrible and barely slept brain us not functioning to capacity.

12

Whenever I witness someone make a particularly racist or sexist joke I pretend I don't get it and ask them to explain it. Things tend to get awkward real fast after that.

Love it

Best response ever!

Well done! πŸ™‚

9

I like this one...
"If I wanted some come back, I would've wiped your upper lip."

Leaves 'em aghast every time

I am SO stealing that! πŸ™‚

9

As a transwoman I deal with shit all day long..90% from men and about 10% from women. Depending on who says what I either say "More of a woman than you'll ever have" (men).women on the hand say the "You'll NEVER be a Real Woman" to which I quip "Funny I was think the same about you..Dear"

Ha! Love it

9

Questioner: β€œDo you believe in God?”
Responder: β€œWhich one?”

that's like Barry Manilow.... he's cool but a little different!

7

I get this one all the time; " Wow are you ever tall." My answer usually goes; "I hadn't noticed, I just thought you were really short."

7

I always figure out the best thing to say... as soon as the conversation is already over.

Mea Level 7 Mar 14, 2018

That's me too.

6

Member of management: I notice you take vacation on halloween, do you practice witchcraft?
Me: Your're not allowed to ask me that

Spent several years being amused by his fear.

I take a vacation that week every year, when I am asked about it I come back with "it takes time to catch enough cats to sacrifice to Satan" and usually I get a weird look feom them and they stop talking to me

6

"Do you play basketball?"

"No, are you a jockey?"

6

I work in the service industry and get called a "mother fucker" more that you'd expect for northern Utah. Back when I was still married I'd point to my wedding ring and say "yeah I am". Usually shut them up pretty good. ?

... and that reminds me, tell your mom I said Hi

Keep your mother off the streets is an old one

5

If someone askes an invasive question I raise an eyebrow and say, "Why do you ask?" Then I change the subject before they can reply.

However, when some rude, crude, creepy dude on this website asked a horrifyingly sexual question about my being transmale I immediately flagged him, and his post disappeared. I wish getting rid of jerks in real life was that easy..

5

I like to make people who make things awkward even more awkward, if not downright vile. I see your invasive question and raise you. Your move, chatty kathy/karl!

4

When you own dogs you get people who just want to tell you how bigger and better there dog is for some reason without even asking. a bloke looked at my alsation once and said "nice dog but mine is twice as big" I responded by saying "wow 56" at the shoulder, id love to see an alsation that big" or they say its just a dog and I say your just a human.

Humans are sooo stupid when it comes to animals, dogs in particular.
Bigger is NOT better! More health problems + shorter life spans. Idiots smh...

exactly and I love them all anyway. being arrogant or thinking yours is better than mine just fucks me right off.

4

Humor kind of defuses it a bit. If that doesn't work, I've had to resort to blunt assertiveness. If you have to get to that level, it doesn't matter how the other person takes it.

3

Whenever someone wants me to "Come round and just rub my tits all over them." I promise to leave them one in my will then they can do with it what they like. I must admit I'd have to be a sow to keep all those promises.

Kimba Level 7 Mar 14, 2018

Maybe you were Venus of a Thousand Breasts in a past life?

@ailurophile And they've just been amalgamated into two in this life?

@Kimba Ha! Of course.

3

Jerk: god you're such a fatass bet you own stock in mcdonalds
Me: I can always lose weight, but you'll always have a tiny dick

3

Love these. For me, those would be conversation starters (depending on your affect at the time of delivery), not enders. Same for me, being humorous usually leads to a long conversation, even when I am being a bit blunt.

3

you're funny! one i say that nobody gets is when somebody says "dam it's windy"... i say "it's not wednesday, it's (whatever day it is)"

3

I think both jokes and blunt refusals work.
It depends on my mood which I'll use.

3

Only when it is at their expense!

3

Humor always works. Anything to divert the conversation works. Of course, the atom bomb of comebacks is to start talking about your health problems. They will quickly find an excuse to leave.

2

I often tell my co workers to wait right there while I go find someone that gives a f*"k what they think.
A tad aggressive but it shuts people up πŸ™‚

2

My dad used to reply to questions like this by asking "why? are you writing a book?" And if the answer was yes he'd say "then leave that chapter out." I have found that asking why they want to know usually makes someone think about what they have asked.

And one advantage to having some hearing issues is simply to ask for the question to be repeated. The questioner has the opportunity to withdraw and everyone saves face.

2

All the time. People say the stupidest things without thinking or trying to please.I usually go with whatever comes to mind.I'm pretty quick on my feet. (Mentally)

1

I try to be funny. a lot of times people don’t get my humour. Ican be an aquired taste.

Phin Level 6 Mar 22, 2018

I tend toward sarcasm with those I am closest to since they get my sense of humor. My latest quip to be hit or miss is calling 45 "president Dunning-Kruger". If they know what dunning-kruger effect is, its hysterical.

1

I live in a small town that's full of church folk, drunks and heroin addicts... Not much happening here for a creative person... In my spare time, I write movie scripts and would one day like to make a full length film... The major problem I have is that when I try talking to other people about filmmaking, I'm often met with the completely unoriginal "What, are you gonna make a porno movie?" to which I always answer, "No, if I was making a porno, I'd be talking to your mom, not you!" That usually ends the conversation dead in its tracks...

Also, I work with a lot of people 20-some years younger than me so every now and then they'll start up with the "Your Momma" jokes... I used to be good at Your Momma jokes back in the day, but after I lost my mom to cancer in 1997, I kinda lost my taste for those kind of jokes... Now, if one of my co-workers makes a "Your momma" joke in my direction, I tell them, "I don't have a mom! Me and my dad share yours!" Again, that usually stops the conversation with a quickness...

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