Whenever I witness someone make a particularly racist or sexist joke I pretend I don't get it and ask them to explain it. Things tend to get awkward real fast after that.

As a transwoman I deal with shit all day long..90% from men and about 10% from women. Depending on who says what I either say "More of a woman than you'll ever have" (men).women on the hand say the "You'll NEVER be a Real Woman" to which I quip "Funny I was think the same about you..Dear"

Questioner: “Do you believe in God?”
Responder: “Which one?”

I get this one all the time; " Wow are you ever tall." My answer usually goes; "I hadn't noticed, I just thought you were really short."

I always figure out the best thing to say... as soon as the conversation is already over.

Member of management: I notice you take vacation on halloween, do you practice witchcraft?
Me: Your're not allowed to ask me that

Spent several years being amused by his fear.

"Do you play basketball?"

"No, are you a jockey?"

I work in the service industry and get called a "mother fucker" more that you'd expect for northern Utah. Back when I was still married I'd point to my wedding ring and say "yeah I am". Usually shut them up pretty good. ?

If someone askes an invasive question I raise an eyebrow and say, "Why do you ask?" Then I change the subject before they can reply.

However, when some rude, crude, creepy dude on this website asked a horrifyingly sexual question about my being transmale I immediately flagged him, and his post disappeared. I wish getting rid of jerks in real life was that easy..

I like to make people who make things awkward even more awkward, if not downright vile. I see your invasive question and raise you. Your move, chatty kathy/karl!

When you own dogs you get people who just want to tell you how bigger and better there dog is for some reason without even asking. a bloke looked at my alsation once and said "nice dog but mine is twice as big" I responded by saying "wow 56" at the shoulder, id love to see an alsation that big" or they say its just a dog and I say your just a human.

Humor kind of defuses it a bit. If that doesn't work, I've had to resort to blunt assertiveness. If you have to get to that level, it doesn't matter how the other person takes it.

Whenever someone wants me to "Come round and just rub my tits all over them." I promise to leave them one in my will then they can do with it what they like. I must admit I'd have to be a sow to keep all those promises.

Jerk: god you're such a fatass bet you own stock in mcdonalds
Me: I can always lose weight, but you'll always have a tiny dick

Love these. For me, those would be conversation starters (depending on your affect at the time of delivery), not enders. Same for me, being humorous usually leads to a long conversation, even when I am being a bit blunt.

you're funny! one i say that nobody gets is when somebody says "dam it's windy"... i say "it's not wednesday, it's (whatever day it is)"

I think both jokes and blunt refusals work.
It depends on my mood which I'll use.

Only when it is at their expense!

Humor always works. Anything to divert the conversation works. Of course, the atom bomb of comebacks is to start talking about your health problems. They will quickly find an excuse to leave.

I often tell my co workers to wait right there while I go find someone that gives a f*"k what they think.
A tad aggressive but it shuts people up

My dad used to reply to questions like this by asking "why? are you writing a book?" And if the answer was yes he'd say "then leave that chapter out." I have found that asking why they want to know usually makes someone think about what they have asked.

And one advantage to having some hearing issues is simply to ask for the question to be repeated. The questioner has the opportunity to withdraw and everyone saves face.

All the time. People say the stupidest things without thinking or trying to please.I usually go with whatever comes to mind.I'm pretty quick on my feet. (Mentally)

I try to be funny. a lot of times people don’t get my humour. Ican be an aquired taste.

I was asked by a smartass coworker... " Hey old buddy you gettin much lately... (responded)... you'd probably think it was a lot " ... end of conversation, also, was loud enough for those present to hear... are you wondering what "gettin much" was... really?

Most definitely. You seem to be doing fine on your own. Not sure you need help.