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Are You Lonely?

Being single can make me feel lonely, especially during holidays weekends. On July 4 and Memorial Day, I smell tantalizing barbecue grilling in neighbors' backyards. But I feel embarrassed to invite myself over to a friend’s family event.

All of my women friends are married. I have great female hiking partners (all married). We hike together one or two days per week. On weekends they are busy with their husbands.

The gym used to be a social place. But now everyone except me wears headphones. Headphones are a giant “Buzz Off- Leave Me Alone” sign. No more fun conversations with other athletes.

Meet Up disbanded in Wenatchee due to lack of participation. I didn’t go because their activities were too sedentary: playing Bingo and Bunco, pizza with wine/beer, and watching local (boring) baseball and hockey games. The Wenatchee Hiking Meetup doesn’t allow anyone above the age of 35. I could hike circles around those young whippersnappers!

As a Democrat, it helps to join marches and demonstrations. It’s wonderful to be surrounded by like-minded people. But that’s just one day. Volunteering as a college mentor helps me connect with people. The students I mentor win scholarships and go to college. That’s the point.

It’s lonely being a Democrat and atheist in a rural, Republican-dominated, largely married, church-going town. I grew up in Michigan in a family of highly intelligent musicians and artists. At age 21, I moved to Washington State to climb mountains, and stayed.

With a 146 IQ, I have felt different from other people, like I don’t fit in. Sometime I think I don’t belong on this planet.

"My intensity is too much for some people," my daughter Claire, 28, said. Ditto. But we both enjoy our intensity, heightened senses, high energy, intelligence, searching minds, sensuality and humor. This makes us who we are, and immeasurably enriches our lives.

As an extrovert, I love conversation and connecting with people. But I need alone time for reading, meditation, running and weightlifting. Although I enjoy being alone, I miss having a loving relationship.

I miss physical intimacy with a man. I don't mean just sex. I miss cuddling, foreplay, tender touch, romance, laughter and conversations. Without that, casual sex makes me feel sad.

According to psychologists, there are six types of loneliness:

  1. Interpersonal loneliness: This is the result of lacking or losing a significant, or intimate, relationship.

  2. Social loneliness: This is where a person is on the fringes of a group, excluded from a group, or is actively rejected.

  3. Cultural loneliness: This is where a person belongs to a different culture and feels that they don’t fit, or belong, in the new culture.

  4. Intellectual loneliness: This is where a person feels intellectually, or educationally, out of synch with their peers, their family or their social group.

  5. Psychological loneliness: This is where a person has experienced a trauma that separates them out from others around them. That is, it’s something other people can’t fully understand.

  6. Existential or cosmic loneliness: This is an isolating loneliness experienced by a person who is facing death.

For me, 1, 2 and 4 would apply, especially #4.

LiterateHiker 9 Mar 22
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120 comments (76 - 100)

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1

Definately #1 with 2-6 mixed in, lol

0

I'm an introvert. That's a tough tag to wear. I don't and won't go out much for any reason. I'm not lonely and I have a great living situation. I live with a family member who is a self taught theologian and our conversations are sometimes legendary! I have experienced all 6 of the levels at one time or another and have over the years learned to seriously love me. I'm retired and spend most of my time on my computer and watching TV. It's quite interesting to see how the future is conceptualized in movies that I watched many year ago. I've attempted to meet with women but it's tough because they're all Christians and we usually disagree with each other before night's end and I come home very frustrated. I'm at an age now where the drama that is some women isn't worth the effort so it's just me. Being involved in the growth of new family members is enough for me until that VERY special someone comes along.

1

Sure am right now

1

After my wife died I felt onely and alone all the time. Now 10 years later I am less botherd being alone and also spend more time around other people, which helps. Vicki was one of the sharpest people I ever met, and we could talk about anything. I miss that more than anything. I want it again.

1

I experience loneliness occasionally, usually on the weekends when the girls are with their dad. It's just me and the pets, and they aren't real good at making conversation.

When I get feeling that way, I annoy my online friends. I have a few that are around and willing to talk, pretty much any time.

9

I experience 1, 2, 3,4 and a bit of 5. Maybe sometimes a little 6, because I can feel my vitality slowly waning.

About 1: A double-whammy, here. In 2008, my wife of 24 years shot herself in the head right in front of me. And fortune smiled on me, and brought the best woman I have known in my life, and we had 8 wonderful years. And then SHE died, last December. And the dating thing is like cancer. Look, I don't mind talking with someone, and if it's not there, it's not there. But it does get soul-destroying after a while that it is so hard to connect with people.

About 2: I've always been somewhat of a loner, which has probably had the side-effect of people not wanting to include me in their groups. And so, I'm not.

About 3: I live in North Dakota, and I'm a liberal. 'Nuff said.

About 4: I am highly intelligent (my mother told me I tested at 166 as a child. Might be true). I have always been clever, inventive, and highly abstract in my thought. The times I have longed for a lover or a friend who could match me step-by-step are beyond counting. I have learned to hide my intelligence among people, because they resent it. This gives me a PROFOUND sense of alienation, as if I am trapped within this skin.

5 is related to 1, so I won't expound upon it further.

In my opinion, casual sex is only slightly better than masturbation. I like to share....not just my body, you know, my being. It falls a bit flat if that is not being returned. The before and after are really important, the sense of being able to let down the walls, and truly trust another. It seems ironic that this is something SO MANY are looking for, and that successfully finding it is yet so hard. I think it would be a boon to society if we weren't so restrictive in how people are allowed to connect with each other. LIke, for example, you're only allowed to touch lovers and family. Touching friends, even a simple hug, is seen as awkward, at best. And I, for one, enjoy a fierce intellectual argument, just for the dance of ideas.

Tl;dr version: I feel you, sister.

Deveno, Thank you for your honesty, personal and thoughtful post. You have my sympathy. I'm sorry you experienced so much trauma. Have you seen a counselor?

I agree with you. I have to feel safe emotionally, mentally and physically to open up and have great sex. Trust is essential and takes time.

Have you considered joining a support group? You would get hugs there. Apparently It is easier for women to hug a friend than it is for men. Kathleen

Damn bro, hang in there

0

Majorly lonely. 1 and 6, although I have no plans on kicking the bucket anytime soon.

I'm sorry you are feeling that, @Nebroxah, so many of us are here for you even if we're far away.

1

Majorly lonely. 1 and 6, although I have no plans on kicking the bucket anytime soon.

1

Solitude and being alone can (in small doses) help you to sort of find yourself. After a three year relationship ended, I was devastated. I had no purpose it seemed other than, "work, eat, sleep, repeat". But being single, or just alone with my thoughts has helped me to know myself better. Hindsight is 20/20, and knowing what you want out of life is a big factor in how you can combat that loneliness.

TheHammerTime, Good point.

1

At one time or another, I've experienced 1-5. I'm old enough to be aware that death may come at any time; though, my health is good and might live a couple of decades longer. However, I've not faced 6. Alghough, I've spent much of my formative years alone, I cannot remember long periods of lonliness, perhaps because my curiosity is entertaining. For about 8 years, I suffered pain, like having the three little toes on my left foot cut off. Neither the cause nor the reson it stopped have been diagnosed. During these years, the pain blocked most psychological needs and some physiological.

I was born during WWII, when fathers were away and mothers worked. From my birth, I must have been alone for long perieds (1 & 2 lonliness), which seems to have made lonliness feel normal, because I've seldom suffered from lonliness.

Previously, I though existential lonliness was being alone whith our thoughts, even in a crowd with lively conversation.

2

I feel a little lonely sometimes, but not greatly so. I sometimes feel on the fringe of the people I live among in real life, although I have a couple of close friends I talk with frequently over the phone or internet. I also have anothe close friend in real life. In addition to these, I have some neighbors who I see two or three times a week for a short time. I mainly feel that most of the people who live around are more or less conservative or religious, and I don't know of any other atheists living in my apartment complex. I'm also probably a little more intelligent than most of them, and more intellectual in my interests., That's one thing I like about agnostic.com -- I can find intelligent people, people who really think.

1

I can relate to this post on so many levels. I get lonely a lot.

1

A life without another has no purpose.

@literatehiker Everything in your comment involves other people. I think that just supports my comment. ??

I respectfully disagree. I got a Master of Public Administration degree because I get the greatest reward from doing work that helps other people. Volunteering adds purpose to my life. I have been volunteering since age 21. For the past 12 years, I have been volunteering as a college mentor, helping low-income, minority students write essays for college and scholarship applications. This is the most rewarding volunteer work I have done.
"I am a beacon of hope in my neighborhood," Teresa said in 2016. "My younger siblings and neighbor kids look up to me. I am inspiring them to get good grades, stay in school, not dropout, not get pregnant and go to college."
Hiking is another rewarding activity. Hiking is a transcendent, uplifting experience for me. "We all need more low-level ecstasy in our lives." I wrote in my profile. To protect the environment, I have volunteered since age 18.
Being a parent adds purpose to my life. I could go on.

SouthShark, You are right. I thought you were saying a life without a loving partner or spouse has no purpose.

@literatehiker It could be taken that way. It’s not meant as an answer but rather a statement for contemplation. ??? Each of the six categories you put forth above relate loneliness as a state of isolation in regard to others. We are after all “social apes.”

1

A lot of what you have here resonates. I've always thought I was cursed to a degree with intellect, which definitely puts up a barrier of sorts between myself and a lot of folks that I've encountered. I've always tried to overcome that by being a bit of an extrovert myself but I've really reeled that in in recent years. I'm tired of extending myself only to usually be met with some form of rejection or nonsense. This ride of life can get tricky, huh?

"Is it better to be dumb and happy, or intelligent and conflicted?" I have asked myself over the years. I'd rather be smart because my mind amuses me. "My middle initial, "A," stands for 'Ambivalence,'" I joked in my 20s. In college, I realized highly intelligent male friends had a dark side, perhaps because they saw the futility of much of what we do.

1

There is also loneliness one can feel inside a committed relationship, when you cannot relate to one another anymore. I think loneliness is something that we have to prepare for as we get older. The longer we survive the more people that were in our lives will perish. Somehow we need to find peace within ourselves and with the mystery of the universe. I always try to remember that Monty Python song, "Always look on bright side of life". I've found that keeping busy is the best cure.

Twaseverthus, You are right. I couldn't agree more. I never felt so alone as when I was married. "People seem surprised when I call Wenatchee a desert. I realized I am living in a desert of touch," I wrote in my journal in 1993. We divorced in 1995.

A lifelong optimist, I have fun hiking, volunteering and talking and laughing with friends. I keep busy with sewing, cooking, reading and exercise. "Keeping busy is the best cure," you wrote. A thousand thumbs up!

pepperjones, what you wrote resonates with me. You have my sympathy. I learned the only person you can change and control is yourself.

1

I have PTSD and that colors my life. I have always been an introvert and my upbringing while enjoyable and challenging left me lost as I grew up and encountered those who buried their intellectual sides. I am told that I have a high IQ but that doesn't guarnetee anything unless it is paired with a strong dose of common sense. I have trouble relating to people. I haven't owned a TV since 1997 and I don't go to movies anymore as the audience "particpation" spoils it for me. I enjoy my own time and cannot relate to a strong religious, Republican, superior mentality. While I enjoy reading about many subjects and taking classes both for a degree and on my own, the majority of people I see here feel threatened by any change. They think the fifties were just fine thank you! Neither of us understands or wants to discuss what the other sees as worth discussing.

0

I work long hours and mix with a variety of people thru that, I also have time with my daughter regularly every week, there are the odd occassions when it would be nice to share the days events but not enough to make me want to change and give up my solitude and down time. I guess if the right person just hove into view it would all fit with no sacrifice but I'm realistic enough to know that ain't gonna happen but I like my own company and always have.
And out of your list No5 is the only one that would come close 🙂

0

For me, 1, 2, 4, and 5 would apply.

marga Level 7 Mar 23, 2018
3

I can identify totally with this post. Having a high IQ puts you in a very small group of the population and that group is spread very thinly outside major university cities. It's hard having no-one to talk to on your own level and I get the impression that in the USA it is even harder than in Europe, since there seems to be a positive hostility towards intellectuals. I think this website helps, but it is not the same as having an actual close friend or partner who is on your level. You are young enough to throw yourself into physical activities and use up some energy that way, and I agree, teaching/mentoring can be very rewarding. It sounds as though you have a strong bond with your daughter which is good. I have better arguments/discussions with my children and ex-husband than with pretty well all the other people I meet!
Maybe we should form a 'lonely intellectuals group'.

Dear Pensionista, It was an uplifting experience to wake up to your message. Thank you for your kind and comforting words. "Maybe we should form a 'lonely intellectuals group.'" Very funny! Hugs.

Dear LiterateHiker, any time you want a chat about anything, I am usually available. I have far too much spare time. I am happy to talk about issues, books, things you are thinking or wondering about.

1

If anything possibly 5. I deal with allergies and asthma but have been called a faker. It takes a special person not to notice rashes, watery eyes, stuffiness, wheezy breathing. It isn't to a dangerous, life threatening level but damn if it doesn't cause me serious discomfort and limitations.

AmyLF Level 7 Mar 23, 2018

Huh?? Who the hell would call somebody an "allergy faker?"

@BlueWave Inconsiderate, ignorant louses... that's who. It doesn't matter. They don't live with me so it isn't important anyway.

5

I am. I completely understand, being a gay Humanist raising children alone in the deep south.... It is grating. I also live in a military town, so the idea of making friends doesn't even cross my mind anymore.... Everyone leaves. And yes, they all are married and I can't relate. I'm single. I'll be 29 in a few months and it's starting to dawn on me that this meat suit I walk around in isn't ever going to get better looking.... I'm an inch away from having sex with the next girl who touches my arm but I guess I'd have to go to some club to find that and I hate clubs. We need a humanist meet and greet bookshop for goodness' sake! I fill my intellectual loneliness on the internet with like minded people. The rest, I fill the void with Netflix, photography, wine, and sleep. Sleep is the only place I'm not ridiculously lonely.

MagicAndRainbow, you have my sympathy. Appreciate your wry humor and honesty.

My older sister lives in Georgia. Driving in Georgia, I made fun of misspelled signs until Lynne told me to shut up.

Perhaps you could go to art shows. That's a low-pressure way to meet interesting people. When gay artists show their work, attend opening night. Meet the artist and their supporters. Good luck.

1

I’m not sure if I’m lonely or I just enjoy being alone. I’m an introvert and being around people is exhausting for me. But I have major depression and worry I take it too far and am actually isolating.

Besides my parents I don’t have a lot of people in my life. I quit drinking and as a result, I’ve lost friends. It’s a fine line that I’m traveling on and probably needs further looking into.

1

I have many reasons for feeling alone. But I don't.

I used to, before I acknowledged my male side in 2014, named him, and allowed him to "exist." I felt alone and lost all my life, although I was raised in a loving family, surrounded by siblings and friends. I also felt that way when married, with two children. But after I allowed myself to love my male side and accepted it, the loneliness was eased.

I do have many reasons for feeling alone, however:

1.high IQ. I don't think like most people I know.

2.I'm multicultural/multilingual. I grew up in Haiti with American parents and a French/African culture with European friends, and friends from the Domican Republic, across the border from Haiti. So I grew up speaking French, Creole, Spanish, and English.

3.I'm part Native American, and share many of their attitudes and beliefs, almost instinctlively. As a "two spirit," I would have been trained as a shaman in my Cherokee tribe.

4.I'm demisexual, panromantic, androgynous, nonbinary, and partially transmale. That means that I don't strongly identify with either gender, but see myself more as a blend. Also, I'm not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender, until after over a year together.

5.I'm over 65 years old.

6.I have strong psychic powers. I have to block myself from the thoughts and feelings of others but there is always some "leakage."
That's why I like being in Thailand..all those peaceful feelings of being one with the universe sooth me.

4

Yeah, but am trying real hard to give myself space and keep out of any type of commitment until I get my mind right.

3

Sometimes your intelligence prevents you from "playing the game". It does me, anyway. I have the ability to attract a woman but when it gets down to silly sophomoric protocol I just find it demeaning. I want to say just what I feel, the attraction, the real feelings and also the apprehension. I feel all should be up front, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I want them to be where I'm at. My feeling cannot be hurt.

Good point, clarkatticus. Agreed.

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