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Alone on Thanksgiving Day. How do you cope?

After our divorce, my ex-husband, daughter and I celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners as a little family of three. For 20 years, Terry and I rotated cooking. We had fun.

Family tradition ends with a new girlfriend

Four years ago, Terry got a girlfriend for the first time in 20 years. "It feels awkward," Terry replied when I asked about Thanksgiving dinner. No more family dinners.

Claire was heartbroken. I felt sad. "Grow up, Terry," I thought. Worse, Terry distanced himself from Claire. His girlfriend doesn't understand their close relationship. Sondra has never been married nor had a child. Claire cried and yelled at Terry. I stayed out of it.

Now that Claire, 29, is married, she spends Thanksgiving and Christmas with her in-laws. Her husband, Matt, has step-parents and parents. Everyone wants a piece of them.

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, Claire and Matt will drive to Wenatchee over treacherous, snowy Stevens Pass, to exchange presents with Terry and me separately.

Single on Thanksgiving Day

For 3 years, I joined a friend's family for Thanksgiving dinner. But this year, Kami's father had a stroke and her divorcing brother is a nervous wreck. "It's family only this year," she said.

Last night, I checked the Cascade Unitarian Fellowship website where I attended for two months. A generous couple is hosting a potluck Thanksgiving dinner and roasting a turkey. I called and signed up.

I will make and bring Gingerbread-Pear Upside Down Cake.

LiterateHiker 9 Nov 25
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45 comments

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2

go volunteer at salvation army or someplace if you r feeling so down that will really help you and others

@whiskeywoman

I called homeless shelters to volunteer. As usual, they turned me down. They have more than enough volunteers for Thanksgiving dinner.

@LiterateHiker maybe one of the churches knows someone alone who could use a good dinner and company

@whiskywoman

Read my post. I wrote:

Last night, I checked the Cascade Unitarian Church website where I attended for two months. A generous couple is hosting a potluck Thanksgiving dinner and roasting a turkey. I called and signed up.

I will make and bring Gingerbread-Pear Upside Down Cake.

@Sealybobo

Exactly.

7

I go to a nearby animal sanctuary, full of all sorts of wonderful LIVE farm animals, in a beautiful setting. They hold a vegan pot luck, which is very well attended. There is food a-plenty, with no dead critters to be found anywhere on the tables. My kind of feast !

Then everyone spends time visiting with the eager, friendly critters, who so appreciate the attention, and deserve their lives every bit as much as we do ... maybe more. I find the whole event highly peaceful and satisfying.

@evergreen

Wonderful!

7

I'm also divorced and I understand. My mom and I go to Carol's Creek Cafe with two conservative neighbors. I won't go into specifics, but our previous Thanksgivings with my ex's family were so bad, we welcome people rambling on about how great Trump is. As long as nobody has to worry about whether or not we should call 911 b/c someone overdosed and is slumped in their food, it's a great day! Win!

@UrsiMajor

Thank you for your insightful and hilarious reply. I appreciate your support.

7

Let me emphasize, the following is entirely my opinion, neither being advanced as more useful than others' responses, nor implying there being any right or wrong way for you to handle the situation. I think a great deal of the loneliness that can be felt when spending a holiday alone is entirely induced by the cultural and advertising pressure that society imposes. Ultimately, any day you choose can be a "Thanksgiving" and everything that enables one to be comfortable being alone on any random day is just as relevant and applicable on a holiday. Some of my favorite holiday memories have been being liberated of the pressures so often associated with holidays and being able to do entirely what I wanted. There is no choice that is wrong, as long as it is right for the individual. If you want to be with others, it shouldn't be difficult to find ways in which to do so, as many suggestions indicate. If you want to spend it alone, doing whatever you most enjoy, be in the moment and enjoy it, without comparing your experience to some bs tv image of what "Thanksgiving" is supposed to be.

@Jerkwater_Oracle

I don't feel pressured by a "bs tv image." I never watched TV nor bought a television. I'm a reader.

My parents always hosted Thanksgiving dinner for 45-50 family members and guests. They had three refrigerators, two stoves and two ovens. Mom roasted two large turkeys. They were great hosts.

Kids had to demonstrate excellent table manners and good conversational skills to be promoted from the messy kid's table to the fancy adult table. I was thrilled to be promoted at age 8 or 9. Big family dinners were lively, welcoming, generous and fun.

As a result, Thanksgiving dinner has a special place in my heart.

@LiterateHiker I took the title/question of your post to be a generalized question, not one seeking individualized advice, so my response was equally intended as a general one.

@Jerkwater_Oracle

Of course, it's a question for members:

"Alone on Thanksgiving Day. How do you cope?"

Your comment about comparing our lives to a "bs TV image" doesn't apply to everyone, particularly me.

As atheists and agnostics, we generally resist cultural pressure.

@LiterateHiker Then, I guess I was confused by your specific response to the phrase "bs tv image," which I didn't assume applied to everyone but was meant to merely reference artificially imposed concepts or images of how a holiday should be celebrated or in what way. I think it's great you grew up making the memories you did and hold them close to your heart and understand why the complete contrast to that would definitely take some adjusting to. If you don't care for my response, delete it!

6

I am glad I live in Australia and don't have to put up with Thanks Giving, Christmas is bad enough.

Well said!

6

OK, first, that cake looks amazing and I have already found several recipes!

From my early adult years of working in hospital, where holidays are just a number on the schedule, I developed an appreciation for making conscious choices around holidays. My family was confounded over this and spewed much drama, which helped to clarify what was really going on in setting values for myself.

My BEST Thanksgiving memories are of gatherings with friends, strangers and neighbors, having fun with great food, drink, music and companionship! Through child-rearing years with my kids I reverted back to family gatherings, then things became rather fluid after divorce.

I have learned the value of not always disclosing the truth of my holiday plans, or the lack of plans, to family who super-impose their values and fears upon me. Their drama is unwelcome. I have learned that avoiding the family host's conservative christian and gun-cultured rantings is more healthful for me than seeing some relatives I do value. I have learned that enjoying a quiet and peaceful day, perhaps with the fun of cooking or baking for myself, can be a marvelous gift.

Round and round in the circle game, there will always be new options and variations, and I truly enjoy being at peace with my own choices.

6

I have volunteered with a local police dept. for a few years. So I will sign up to do a volunteer patrol shift. Another volunteer group makes dinner for the officers on duty. I can join the officers for a good meal and serve my community at the same time.

@Sierra

Good for you!

6

The upside down cake looks delicious I hope the potluck dinner goes well for you

@oldFloyd

Thank you!

5

For Thanksgiving this year, I will be going to the only restaurant that will be open near me, which is a Chinese food restaurant. I will get my vegetable fried rice and drink some tea and enjoy my afternoon. My youngest son is a fireman paramedic and he will be working, his wife and two girls will be going to a friends house because their home is presently being painted. My oldest son and I do not really have a relationship any longer due to his narcissistic wife so my option was to either go with my youngest sons wife to her friends or be by myself. I chose to be by myself.

That sounds like a lovely afternoon! I hope you enjoy it.

@Lauren Thank you, I’m sure I will enjoy it much more than going to my DIL’s friends house. 😉

@Redheadedgammy Indeed! You made the right call. There's no sense suffering through the day. Maybe some day we can celebrate a holiday over Chinese together!

@Lauren I would love that Lauren!! Once I get everything settled with my probate and get my house sold, then get settled with my son and his family, I plan on doing some travel to meet some of the members that live here in Texas. I've already met a great member in New Mexico and have decided that I need to get myself out more and start meeting people in my own state. Enjoy your Thanksgiving Holiday whatever you are doing.

@Redheadedgammy Then it's a plan! I often think the same thing.

5

@kiramea, @BestWithoutGods, @ToolGuy, @Jolanta, @BudFrank, @GreatNani, @tinkercreek, @BobbyZen, @GipsyOfNewSpain, @oldFloyd

Pear Upside-Down Gingerbread Cake

4 peeled small pears, cored and cut lengthwise into ¼ inch slices (about 1 pound)
2 tablespoons grated peeled fresh ginger, divided
1 tablespoon lemon juice
Cooking spray
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
½ cup packed dark brown sugar
¼ cup butter, softened
1 large egg
½ cup low-fat buttermilk
¼ cup molasses
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon dry mustard
¼ teaspoon ground cloves
¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon powdered sugar

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Combine pears, 1 tablespoon ginger and lemon juice. Coat a 9 x 2-inch round cake pan with cooking spray; sprinkle with granulated sugar. Arrange pears in bottom of pan in a circular pattern.
  3. Combine brown sugar and butter in a large bowl; beat at medium speed of a mixer until well-blended. Beat in egg. Add buttermilk, molasses, and 1 tablespoon ginger; beat until well blended.
  4. Lightly spoon flour in a dry measuring cup; level with a knife. Combine next 6 ingredients (flour through nutmeg). Add flour mixture to batter; stir until well-blended.
  5. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes or until cake springs back when touched lightly in center. Cool in pan 20 minutes on a wire rack. Place a plate sprinkled with powdered sugar upside down on top of cake pan; invert cake onto plate. Yield: 8 servings.

Calories: 244. From Cooking Light magazine.

5

Everyone is coming to my house. Early dinner so my daughter and son in law can go back and see his grandmother. Don't think his parents do much but they could come to my house if they wished. My ex also comes to my house. I don't mind him at all now that we are not married 🙂 Sorry about the new girlfriend. She sounds odd. And maybe you can go with your daughter and son in law one year to his family.

@GreatNani

Good idea. The sticking point is Claire and Matt live 130 miles away over Stevens Pass.

Forecast is for mountain snowstorms: snow + rain = ice. Yikes! Driving over the Cascade Mountains for Thanksgiving is dicey each year.

5

I have not spent any of the holidays with my children since 2004; the ex is....the ex for a reason. I usually spend the holidays by myself, and trite though it may sound, I am not alone and it doesn't bother me. People often invite me over, but it feels forced, awkward. It is their gathering. I am used to it, and it does not bother me.

Enjoy your day.

5

It's just another day, unless one dwells negatively on not celebrating or on celebrating alone. Most of the world do not celebrate it.

4

I've been invited to thanksgiving dinner with the family of a friend, so I won't be alone on thanksgiving for the first time in 6 years. It will be a little strange: the hosts are very religious but not pushy, and it's the family of a close friend / non-girlfriend. So, I've had stranger experiences. 😄

4

I'd go there just for your cake.

All kidding aside, I've been doing Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and my birthday either alone or with my youngest son for years. I was asked this year to Thanksgiving at my niece's house, but just the thought of being the only one there not high is, to put it bluntly, offensive to me.

So, Thursday I will be going to my local diner for their all you can eat Thanksgiving dinner, and spend the evening with my youngest son (by "spending the evening" I mean being in the same house. We're both introverts and he usually stays in the upstairs while I occupy the downstairs). For me, it's much better than dealing with obnoxious relatives who believes I should be doing more to have a life, or believes that I should be living a healthier life. Holidays is to relax, not to be stressed by people who want to tell you how to live.

4

Be thankful no one is around to bother or cause drama.

Word Level 8 Nov 25, 2019
4

No matter where I am, or who I'm with, even if I'm alone, I always make sure to be grateful for what I have. Sometimes, I've even been grateful for what I didn't have.

@JohnnyQB Sometimes, to myself. Sometimes, to friends and/or family.
Sometimes, to people I've never met, who have done something, at some point, that I have reason to appreciate.

@JohnnyQB There was no reason to suspect anything else. There was nothing which needed clearing up.
I'm an atheist.
No one can reasonably have any questions about that.

4

Having been the product of divorce and being schleped around for multiple versions of the same holiday (both Xmas and thanksgiving) I'm more than happy to do nothing and not see family.

Going out for Chinese food on thanksgiving. Gotta take mom and stepdad, but shouldnt be to bad. 🙂

1of5 Level 8 Nov 25, 2019

I feel you on the first paragraph. 🙂

4

Good for you. I wish I could be there to try the cake! 😛

@BestWithoutGods

Thank you.

Claire loves the pear-gingerbread cake so much, she asked for it for her birthday cake.

@LiterateHiker I'm thinking of visiting my sister in Wenatchee next summer. If you want to sell one of those cakes, maybe I'll stop by your place to buy it. 🙂

@BestWithoutGods

I'd love to meet you! Let me know when you visit Wenatchee.

Happy to make the cake for you and your family.

@LiterateHiker I'll be in touch when I settle on the dates I'll be in lovely Washington.

3

I hope you have fun. My holiday was going to be dinner with both my daughters at one of their places, but the one daughter has to work and I'm not hearing positive dinner plans. This means I will stay home and binge on Netflix while consuming 2 pizzas. The movie of choice is over 3 hours long and is called "The Irishman." Joe Peshi and DeNiro are in that one and it premiers the 28th.

I actually have a 4 day weekend as my boss told me just today he is cutting my hours again and I am also off Friday.

3

I cope with great joy at how much better it is than it would have been if I had stayed with my ex.

3

For the past several years we (my ex and son) have been having dinner at her house with me bringing the Turkey and some other sides. This year they are going to my ex brother-in-laws (long story, don't really want to get into it). This year I will probably stay at home and bake a pecan pie, something I haven't been able to eat for several years while I went through the whole dental implant ordeal. This time I will make it the way I like it, without regard to how anyone else feels. I am splitting up the Turkey and cooking part of it and freezing the rest. Then 9 hours of brainless watching of football. I'll clean up my mess as i go along so that Friday I can do anything I feel like.

3

The same as any other day off from work. I do enjoy visiting friends or family but it's not a big deal if I don't.

3

I enjoy the silence with my dogs.

3

I’m sorry you’re alone, but glad you found something. I will be with two daughters but the relationships have been strained somewhat. My ex will be there because she’s the girls’ mother. We get along ok but only for things relating to the kids. I’ll stay a few hours and excuse myself when I think it’s safe.

I’m making an apple pie. I’ll post pictures too. Your cake looks great!

@BudFrank

Thanks. I appreciate you.

@LiterateHiker and I, you. Your posts are always thoughtful and interesting.

@BudFrank

Thank you so much.

3

I don't give it much importance, but that's me. Life set me alone for several birthdays, xmas and new year eves, and I just enjoyed myself doing what I like the most or just nothing. Thanksgiving is an American event...

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