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Are you attracted to people who are just comfortable being themselves from the start?

I'm trying to figure out if being too much myself on a first date is a bad thing or if I should treat dating like a job interview. Should I act better than I truly am?

By paul19678
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58 comments

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1

I'd say if you are trying to trick them then not being yourself is a good idea. Just remember, they might be trying to trick you also. If that is the case then the whole date is a two person play, and you can save money by not having to buy theatre tickets

Rudy1962 Level 9 Mar 26, 2018
10

Don't lie, but be the best version of yourself. And try to be that version as often as you can regardless. That's my suggestion. But I'm single, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

resserts Level 8 Mar 26, 2018

I wasn't suggesting lying. What I was saying is possible to be too much yourself. Should I dress better than I usually would? Should I smile and be more positive than I frequently am?

@paul1967 That's what I meant by lying — presenting yourself as someone you're not — as opposed to being yourself as anyone would see you on your best days. If you just mean putting your best foot forward, that to me isn't lying.

8

Acting better than we truly are is not sustainable! Be genuine friend.

AmiSue Level 8 Mar 26, 2018

That is a great response. It gave goosebumps

8

Sounds like you should ask those of interest, what they prefer. I’m attracted to women who don’t conform to social expectations. Knowing who you are and being comfortable with that, is highly desirable.

Marz Level 7 Mar 26, 2018
8

I think confidence is considered one of the most attractive traits, which is being comfortable in your own skin. If you like who you are others will like who you are. Don't try to act better because you'll just have to try and keep that up or you look ridiculous later when they find out that's not who you are. If the don't like you on the first date then you've saved a bunch of time. Who wants to get all invested in something that's not going to work out.

6

Always be yourself, otherwise they may be attracted to the facade and not who you really are. You will then either have to keep up the facade permanently, which will not be possible, or run the risk of them breaking up with you when they realise the truth. If they do not like you for who you are then it simply is not meant to be. I find insecurity a huge turn-off. A woman who is comfortable in her own skin is always far more attractive.

Nomad Level 5 Mar 26, 2018

@Blindbird I think you misunderstand what I was getting at here. There is a world of difference between acknowledging one's own flaws but being comfortable with them, and acknowledging them but being insecure and paranoid about them.

I have dated girls who were insecure about their looks and constantly wanted reassurance about them, to the point it became an issue. Insecurities can lead to jealously and possessiveness, which are not attractive personality traits. I have found that women in their 30s are less prone to this than girls in their 20s, as they have grown comfortable in their own skin and as we all know, confidence is sexy.

I am actually one of the most self-reflective people I know. I have identified and acknowledged all of my shortcomings and actively try to improve upon those that can be improved upon, and the ones that cannot be improved I am comfortable with and I simply ensure others are not effected by them. If more people would/could do likewise the world would be a better place, with less ego getting in the way and screwing things up.

5

I always like to start by giving them the Evil Eye. It's a good ice breaker, and promise that you will remove it on the second date. But that's just how I roll.

5

Just be yourself. What's the point otherwise? Sooner or later the real you will pop out. If they don't like who you really are, then that's a good thing: you will know right away, and can move on to someone who does like the real you.

4

Confidence is extremely attractive to me. However, there is a fine line between confidence and being cocky.

I don't think you should fake being anything in order to get attention. Be yourself. Either that person likes you for you, or you find someone else that will.

MelanieV Level 5 Mar 26, 2018
4

You should be who you are. Someone who doesn't like who you are is someone who you won't get along with. If you fake being someone else, you will spend a lot of time with someone who you ultimately won't get along with. That's a waste when you could be spending that time finding a good match.

That being said, we should all try to be better people, as HoaryMarmot says below.

4

No. Just be yourself. Maybe try to be a little extra humorous. If they like you for you, thats 3/4 of the battle won right there.

3

I am comfortable with a date being himself, however, now that I am old, the men that I have dated, who are my age have been quite an eye opening experience. For some reason, men my age seem to be absolutely obsessed with sex. From the first moments, they start asking me about how I feel about various aspects of sex. Never any getting to know each other, it's straight to sex. I wonder if they think it makes them feel young and virile, when all it does is make them seem like nasty old horn dogs. I guess I'm glad they are being themselves, because I find out that I don't want another date, right off the bat. I wonder why they act that way. I'm a very free thinking, tattooed, old pagan woman, but that doesn't mean that all I want to talk about is sex. It is very strange.

I must refer you to this sage advice from the past generations haha smile009.gif

@Nickbeee Thanks for the advice. I will definitely consider it, if I ever have another man interested in me.

I think it's kind of funny as some men have moved on for sure @Wisewoman3 smile001.gif Though there is definitely wisdom there. I know quite a lot of men are still stuck in the 40's .... the 1340's

3

I say, b yourself regardless. Anything else has negative results

3

There's really not much I can add, but the first thought that popped into my mind was: Would you want your date to act better than she truly is?

I did a lousy job of explaining what I'm asking in this post because I'm getting a lot of the same responses. I'm not referring to deception because I find that revolting. I was talking about more gracious behavioral changes. I've used these examples a lot replying to others people, but I was thinking of things like dressing nicer than you typically do. Or, smiling and laughing at something they said just to make them feel more comfortable even if I don't think it's all that funny.

@paul1967 Let me ask you -- do you agree with this?

[liveabout.com]

@paul1967, i detect a fine line - nearly invisible - between presenting the 'better' self & deception. if i smile or laugh in response to my date's words without really feeling it, that actually feels already like deception, creating an energy of tension, that in turn will reflect on & impact my date partner. i would always like to avoid that... but i like to dress nice to honour the occasion & will probably agonise over that in front of the wardrobe smile009.gif

@paul1967 First off, I'd say dress appropriately for where you're going. For example, if you're going to a fancy restaurant, wear a dress shirt and some nice pants. Unless you normally wear a suit and tie, leave them in the closet. Basically, don't overdress for the date. Wear a nice outfit within your comfort zone. On the other hand, looking and smelling clean are definitely a must. ?

3

If someone is comfortable with themself then I feel I can be myself. That is very attractive to me.

3

don't think. just be.

3

I prefer people who are open and honest. If they have something to say and they won't say it for fear of hurting my feelings then I don't want to know them, honesty is the most attractive trait in anyone and that is what I look for.

3

I might dress up a little for a date, but that's because with my work, I usually run around in yoga clothes all day. That said, I might still wear matching yoga suits on a date. I probably put on makeup a couple times per year. Jewelry? I'm not quite sure where it even is.

I don't have a filter, and I know it.

I like you. Wanna be friends? ?

@Blizzard, we'll see how long you can stand the weird.

@TaraMarshall weird is my home planet!

@Blizzard, maybe I should have said weirdest... You'll understand later.

3

I'm just me. That's the way it is. I'm not sure if it helps me in dating but it helps me as a person, and helps me in dealing with others. If you are black I don't "talk your language" and do your handshake. Again, I'm just me. I'm this way with all people of every race and color. Once in Texas I took a new friend of mine with me as I went to see a family of black people I knew. He embarrassed me and them. As we left the hostess of the house told me at the door "you know you are welcome here any time but don't ever bring that son of a bitch back here again." It was good advice as my ignorant white friend had already went on towards the car.

Just be yourself. It's the best advice I can give.

DenoPenno Level 8 Mar 26, 2018

Great answer!

3

Do not try to create an impression that you later find a strain to maintain. There is a lot to be said for just being yourself. All relationships begin somewhere and in the course of time unstated and sometimes unrealistic expectations come to light. I wouldn't worry about it for the simple reason that if it is not this one then sooner or later there will be another one.

ASTRALMAX Level 7 Mar 26, 2018
3

If you aren’t who you are , who else would you want to be ? Well you can’t be anyone else , the real you will always be stronger , why live a lie ? That takes energy that can be used more effectively

2

I don't get that. Who are you supposed to be, one the first, or secong or fifteenths date?

2

Do you!

Eventually you will wind up being you anyway, so why not do it from the get-go?

I haven't dated in 4-EVER, and I'm into men if I'm dating, but whenever I meet anyone, male ot female, my 1st goal is to make a genuine freind of them.

I'm gonna judge someone on if you would be good friend material ot not. You can keep freinds long term. If you go into a relationship trying to figure out if they are date material or not, many times you can miss out on some great friendships and hang-out buddies...something that we ALL need...

(I'm the type person that if you don't qualify to make it to the "friend-zone", you will NEVER make it to become a date!

I won't EVER date someone that I can't even be freinds with! Deeper feelings and more inclusive and less restrictive relationships can't be forced, but can evolve naturally from out of friendships.)

Personally, I kind of feel like I come off better on paper though, because I can collect and organize my thoughts.

When I show up in person I'm not shy, but I tend to keep my foot in my mouth a lot because when I say something, my thoughts aren't as organized and it doesn't come out sounding like I wanted it to.

I come out sometimes sounding a total goof-ball, but hopefully a likeable one. I'm sincere.

Donna Level 6 Mar 27, 2018
2

Always be yourself. You'll know then if they like you the way you are.

2

The short answer to your question is I would act somwhere in between. Here is a longer answer. Authenticity is very importantt o me. I also value social graces. I date with the plan of becoming long term best friends and lovers. With that said I want to be able to develop mutual trust, respect, admiration, and adoration with my partner. I will trust someone who constantly demonstrates honesty and sincerity. I will respect and admire someone who demonstrates qualities including intelligence, ambition, self confidence, prudence, humor, discretion, kindness, generosity, sharing, caring, charity, grace, forgiveness, wisdom, etc. You can't get someone to demonstrate all of this on a first date. However you can ask questions designed to reveal most of these qualities on a first date. If she reveals a lot of these qualities on a first date then i'll ask her for future dates. But if she utterly fails to gain my trust or respect on the first date then she is off the long term plan.

2

As long as you are not hiding a nutjob personality beneath it all then yes, be yourself. Don't be pretentius.

misstuffy Level 7 Mar 26, 2018

especially the nutjob personality i want to see revealed from the get-go.

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