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23 8

People Who Overtalk

Today I sent a man this message:

I was married to a man who overtalks like you. Terry loves hearing his own voice. He talks nonstop about himself until I interrupt: “I need to go.” “Great talk!” Terry says, walking away without showing any interest in me. I couldn’t get in a word edgewise. While married, I realized I wasn’t willing to live with his verbal diarrhea for the rest of my life. He thinks out loud.

The last man I met, a lawyer, was the same way. Dave talked for 45 minutes nonstop about northwest coast native artists– showing himself as the hero. He constantly talked AT me. Never asked me a single question. Worse, he told horrific stories in excruciating detail about domestic violence cases. With tears in my eyes, I protested: “Enough with the domestic violence stories. It’s too painful for me.”

Dave didn’t understand normal, back-and-forth conversation. “Asking questions is intrusive,” he said. “I talk and then you talk.”

In effective communication there is a give-and-take between talking and listening, sharing who is the speaker and who is the listener, based on mutual respect and caring about each other’s feelings.

In our first phone conversation, I told you TWICE that I don’t want to hear your long, involved story about how, when and why you quit the church. Did you think I was amused by your long-winded, juvenile story about getting drunk and the next day, following a drunken skier turn-by-turn until he crashed on his face? That I feel excited to hear a detailed explanation of how you fixed your pool?

Overtalking is rude and disrespectful. I’m not willing to put up with it.

Five Ways To Stop Overtalking:

[powerofpositivity.com]

LiterateHiker 9 Dec 14
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23 comments

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8

Wow, Kathleen you certainly seem to be attracting the nutters. Maybe time for a break by not dating anyone for a while.

@Jolanta

Lots of men are attracted to me. I insist on a phone conversation before meeting.

The man to whom I sent this message was divorced three times.

"His wives got sick of listening to him," hiking partner Karen said.

@LiterateHiker Sometimes it is good to have a break. You don't have to in any kind of from engage with them. Have a break, if nothing else just for Christmas. See how you fare. It may be liberating. All this hoping and wishing for the "right" one to emerge is sometimes too exhausting.

@Jolanta

I spend zero time "hoping and wishing for the right man," as you put it.

What I miss is conversation, laughter and good sex. Like many women, I am unwilling to take on the burden of living with a man.

[telegraph.co.uk]

@LiterateHiker Thank you for that article. I loved it. It to have no intention to ever get married again, twice was enough. I am glad that you are not "hoping and wishing" My life is great and having a man would just complicate it too much. Men are way too needy, especially older men. When it comes to sex, you probably either will have to have one night stands, pay for it or do it yourself.

@LiterateHiker Good article. Good explanations. Men have less of social network....True for me.! But I think I am okay with that,at age 60. In 30 years, I dunno, I might be shoved into a roomful of old strangers.

But anyway I'm not moving anytime soon, and I don't think I want a woman living here. Altho, she could probably make the house smell better. And help me with some errands, so I could read more and have more energy to play my guitar. And I'm not too keen on someone trying to help me raise my kids.

Don't even get me started on marriage!

8

If I don't over talk then I have to listen to someone else's bullshit. I prefer my own. 🙂

@VictoriaNotes Thanks. 🙂

4

@ToolGuy, @thinktwice, @oldfloyd, @JustAskMe, @twill, @motrubl4u, @Varn, @Buddha, @Grahame, @RoyMillar

When our daughter was six, Claire began steering the grocery cart into another aisle when she spotted one of Terry's friends. She didn't want to stand endlessly while Terry talked on-and-on with his friends.

You would think that if a child recognizes this trait, that the adult would get a clue...children often "know" things and speak out about them long before most adults would...

@thinktwice

At Claire's wedding in 2018, I groaned when Terry was handed the microphone.

"I have been firmly told to keep it short," he began. I snorted with suppressed laughter.

@LiterateHiker I think what I would find more irritating is a person who is aware of their annoying and complained about traits and yet continues to do them...you would think that people would like to improve themselves. I find people who stick to bad habits or fail to correct certain things they can, very curious...what is the motive for continuing this pattern once you are aware of it? Pride? Stubborness? Laziness? I am befuddled...

@thinktwice

Selfishness. Narcissism.

4

I never heard that phrase...thanks for naming "it" for me. I call it "droning"...it is not a very satisfying way to have a social conversation when it is mostly one-way...

@thinktwice

Yes, it's droning on and on. I call it "verbal diarrhea" and "blathering."

@LiterateHiker lonely people afraid of their own silence poster boys for narcissism

4

I love the scenarios where there are two monologues happening simultaneously. A great spectator sport.

3

Thanks for posting this. I’m an over talker at times and I’m trying to change. I wish the art of conversation was taught in middle school!

@ScottGarrison

Community colleges have communication classes. Much needed.

3

I have found that a great number of men here (and perhaps in general) don't know how to talk to women. I've had the same conversation with several men. I said something along the lines of "There is nothing open ended about what you say. It's tedious and not enjoyable to do all the work, trying to keep this going." THIS was AFTER trying to say it 5 times in 5 different ways that all were a lot nicer. He claimed that he "didn't get it" ... I explained that he may want to ask questions in order to give the other person something to go on since it was obvious he didn't want communication to end. ... I'm certainly not the best at conversation, but jeepers, if you have any interest at all in who you're talking to questions should come naturally.

2

I tend to be relatively quiet until I feel comfortable, or I know someone well, but once I feel safe to do so I can really open up. But I've also learned over time that good conversation requires discernment, lots of give-and-take, talking to be understood and not just to talk, and active listening to the each other. It comes with a combination of practice, awareness, and confidence in yourself, something that's not always easy to attain or even maintain.

2

I can be a chatterbox, and I need to look out for this because I can't afford any more screw-ups. Thanks.

2

I have always been told I was a quiet and kind of a shy man. Probably true, but I am aware of that when I meet someone and make sure I speak up, listen, and ask questions. Be involved in the conversation. Not long ago I met someone who later told me, "you are a nice guy, but you are very quiet and a little shy."
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I would be quite offended by the ‘but’. Sounds like conditions attached here.

2

Oh... I thought this was about people who talk too much. Carry on....

@Grahame Just from the title of the post, I didn't realize what "overtalk" meant. "Talking over" someone else, I understand.
I've been in conversations where we both interrupt one another, and apologize all the time, because we're both so excited to be talking about whatever it is. The apologizing is important.

1

When I have a conversation with people I always make it a point to ask them questions and show interest in them because I am genuinely the inquisitive type.It is definitely a turn off when people constantly talk or brag about themselves .On the other hand I have been on first dates where the woman gave one word answers and would barely utter a word and I had no choice in that I had to do most of the talking and in doing this I was extremely uncomfortable because the last thing I want to do is dominate the conversation.

1

Wow, that sucks. I find myself doing that at times. I wish we were taught communication etiquette in grade school.

1

It occured to me after reading this that "Tales of the Literate Hiker" is this era's version of the old "Seinfeld " comedy show. 👌😎

1

I'm just going to agree with thinktwice.
And I thought I had bad luck. 😣

1

That is all good advice in the article. Being self aware is key.
I usually talk in bunches....too much followed by much silence. Over Talk to me is usually nervousness.

It's always so odd, that people think I don't listen to them.....until I remind them of the conversation, what was said, etc. That's probably due to my unused active listening skills, and also them not getting the response they want......

Talk too much. Over Talk. What about Door Talk ??

twill Level 7 Dec 14, 2019

@twill

What is "Door Talk"?

@LiterateHiker I'll tell ya:

We'd be kids and as a family we would be at my Mom's relatives visiting.
As the visit ended we'd all migrate to the car. Us kids and Dad.
Mom would linger with her Mom and /or siblings. (Depended on who we were visiting.)

So us kids and Dad would sit in the car and wait. And wait.
After quite a bit of waiting (IDK how long. I was a kid who didn't care) Dad would start getting irate about Mom taking so long.
So then he'd start pitching a bitch. "Door Talk. Goddamned Door Talk!" He'd fume. Mama standing at the door still yakking away. Honk the horn. Bitch some more.

Finally she was done. Clueless to as to how long we waited.

Door Talk. It's legendary in our family

1

It drives me "Nuts "

1

..again, points for trying 🙂 Met with a group of my county’s best today, and had a second conversation with a guy ..who I could tell was as much ‘performing’ as disseminating information. Felt as if, if ‘my turn’ wasn’t equally polished, he didn’t have time for it … so back to his performance, at least 90% of the ‘exchange’.. Waste of time? Felt like it.

Later, different setting, get motioned over to listen to the concerns of a woman I know through work. Wow, an equal exchange - what a difference! Now if she didn’t smoke…

Seems there’s those who feel the constant need to sell themselves ...so into their ‘greatest hits’ they dive. And, there are those comfortable with themselves, thus interested in others.. Keep searching ~

Varn Level 8 Dec 14, 2019
1

Word.

1

When i talk too much, its usually because i really don't want to hear the other person talk. Its not because i think they want to hear my opinion, its because i simply will do anything to shut them up. But these people you secribe, seem to want to spend time with you, voluntarily. Oddly different. Ill have to consider the fact that not everyone is like me.

Perhaps you should just not say a word and quietly walk away.

Anything apart from politely give your leave. Seems you have a point to make. Perhaps as Jolanta says walk away if it’s that much or a problem.

1

I always overtalk but along the way if you have a better idea of how to do it for what I am explaining please jump right in there with it. I am sometimes wrong and if you point it out to me then you have impressed me. 🙂

With some of us it is contagious. I once listened to my oldest daughter talk for 15 minutes about how my granddaughter secretly climbed out her bedroom window and walked up the road. Why did it take so long?

1

Some great ideas and suggestions

0

Can you title your imminent next post, "People Who Overpost?"

😀

@Shawno1972

If you don't like my posts, skip them. I have 185 followers. You have 5.

@LiterateHiker Who said I don't like your posts? Most of them are great. If you don't like my jokes, skip them. You have 185 followers and I have 5.

Wait a second! I wasn't aware there was a popularity contest going on! ~facepalm~

@Shawno1972

Your comment sounded like a mean dig. I appreciate your explanation.

Thanks for the compliment. Carry on.

@LiterateHiker It was a joke, but I did expect it to sting a tiny bit. Self-awareness is valuable.

@Shawno1972

Mean jokes that sting the recipient are hurtful and cruel. Even jokes that "sting a tiny bit," as you put it.

You suggested self-awareness. I agree. Why do you want to hurt and embarrass people? This drives people away.

Insulting members is against Community Guidelines. Keep it up and I will block you. Kathleen

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