Steven and your friend are the type of children we all hope for. Good for them. As for the other two.....

I was fortunate that my mother's death was over a compressed time frame, lung cancer, 12 months from diagnosis to death. My 2 siblings and I had no disagreements over anything, and mom split her assets equally among us. Again, no issues. If anything, we joked about the few things we didn't give away or dispose of for sentimental reasons. As in trying to get one of the other siblings to take it......

Fortunately, my mother was not a hoarder, and as she got older (she died at 75) got rid of a lot of the depression era-baby items she had accumulated for the rainy day that never came.

So very sad

I am glad your friend has you. I hope you can encourage your friend to save sentimental things and box up comforting familiar things for her mother. If the remainder is donated, it will lift a burden from your friend and other relatives.

You must be hard, so where are the best memories kept? Remember smells are important, items of clothing and sensory items. What can make the new place as close to her 'home' as possible. Think of this where she would usually awaken. This is the time when her brain is just firing up and can cause confusion which can stall the poor lady and confuse into thinking she has been kidnapped. My father in law phoned the police claiming that from his hospital bed last night!
Keep mirrors and reflective surfaces to minimum and have them where possible in a position where they have to be looked directly at, otherwise confusion can happen when she sees an old person stalking through her new home.
By what you have written, the lady may also have lost her 3D perception, so consider this when having easily broken items about.
I've got loads more if you need it.

My daughter is having to do that now, as her mother recently died. Mira says she feels like she is invading her mother's privacy.

I lived with my grandparents.. When they eventually passed, no cleanup was necessary... I just moved their stuff to the attic.. I still have everything...

Good of you to help your friend.
Those tasks are never easy.

It's never easy to care for a demented person. I took care of my demented grandmother until she died, and my demented father until he was accepted by a facility for such people. I also helped care for my demented mother, an uncle and a brother. Happily, nobody committed any trickery or thievery. Still, as much as I loved them, it was an overwhelming responsibility to care for them. But there were always good moments, too, that left me with happy memories.

It is never easy to Karen took me and my brothers almost a year to clean the house out and garage and get rid of a lot of junk and recycling before having an auction sale for the balance plus selling some stuff on line,we patched all the holes and fized everything that had to be fixed to make the house look good,and then had painters and cleaners come in and do whole house, before we put it on the market,,Lot of memorys are made and come back when one i doing this,my father had passed awy and mom was in a nursinghome,we brought her out as much as we could for her to go thru her memorys

Wow! Oh I got thoughts. End of life challenges. But unlike the 19th century & the beginning of the 20th, we have some measure of governmental support.......until we don't which may come sooner than we think. I consider myself fortunate to be estranged from my entirely toxic immediate family which are mostly now deceased. However my spouse dropped dead in September & I am just getting up the verve to begin the Big Sort. High end casual clothes. Donate. Massive CD collection. Donate. Lots of books. Donate. High end but obsolete phono, speakers, amplifier systems. Drum kit. He was spartan as most of his monies went to instant gratification & hedonism which in the end killed him at 68, one month shy of 69. We can only change ourselves is what he taught me, & he did not. So in anticipation of my own demise decades from now, I have begun to eliminate a lifetime of accumulation. I am thinking about a table or more at the local summer flea market, which will require research as to the price of things, stuff, & more stuff. Plan ahead or plan to fail. Good luck in your own challenges in this regard.

I hope it all goes well for you both. Just remember you can look at the stuff you keep at leisure later, it will be difficult not to relive old memories there and then, but won’t be the best use of your time.

Good thing Steven stepped in when he did

After both of my parents died, one of my brothers was at their home every day to steal everything he could. The rest of us, who methodically cleared out the house, discovered places and things we had never seen -- in spite of the fact that we had each lived in that house from birth.

It was yet another life experience that one experiences only once.

This was the case with my uncle. He also had dementia and his son, daughter-in-law lived nearby. They got him into a facility close by and sold his home to pay for the fees. My uncle was a state apiest for Maryland and he had a LOT of junk around his house. All that had to be cleaned and gotten rid of before the house could be sold. One part of dementia was my uncle's being left alone. He was always a very sociable person but his wife left him, his daughter moved away (but died early from cancer) and his son worked in DC a long way off. Once in the home he started to socialize and actually got better. He lived there for over 10 years before finally dying.

I had a friend that also had serious issues with her aunt. The aunt was slowly crumbling and my friend was taking on more and more things to help her aunt. Of course the friend was accused by the aunt of robbing her. Then a young neighbor couple moved in next door and took it upon themselves to 'adopt' the aunt. First thing they did was to pander to the aunts fears. This created more and more friction with the friend who, in the end left the situation. The couple were obviously scammers and they probably took over the aunts estate.

Another woman I volunteered with had a mother-in-law who had a house on the Oregon coast. She was also getting dementia but belonged to the online shopping site. When she saw something on TV she wanted all she had to do was call it in and give the item number. Everything was automatically off her CC. Luckily, her son kept tabs on her both on the internet and with a monthly visit. Most purchases were canceled. The mother-in-law died and the couple went to clear her house. While there items were delivered that the son missed. The house was full of stuff including many identical items. Everything was sold and the house, because of it's location went for $1 million.

A friend often asked me to accompany her to estate sales. Often it was the house of an elder person(s) who had died but who were hoarders. The family members went to the house and took what they wanted but then hired an estate agent to take care of the rest. People really need to start getting rid of stuff before they die. The too often, mistakenly believe their children want their junk but they do not. Maybe if people were to attend some estate sales and see strangers going through people's private things (drawers full of clothes including underwear) they might have a change in attitude.

That sucks.

I've been trying to get my folks into a facility for 2 years now...they won't move. My stepdad has Alzheimer's to the point he's basically a 3 year old, and moms declining rapidly. Screams for help then refuses it. So, so, motherfucking frustrating. Been cleaning out the shop of my stepdad's for the last 6 months. Very emotionally draining

Anyways, knowing how to interact with someone with dementia helps everyone. There's a good book called Finding Rose [amazon.com] that while not well written as a novel has some very good pointers and a good, basic explination of how someone with dementias brain functions.

Best of luck. Hug Karen lots during this, you'll both need it.

It's worrying time for you and Karen of course. I'll get back to shortly with some advice. I'll just check over my work notes on the subject first