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Life insurance saved my daughter's sanity and life.

So. My daughter Claire, 30, is getting a divorce because her husband was emotionally and physically abusive. Matt nearly killed her. Claire had eight staples put in her scalp by an emergency room doctor. Claire called the police. Matt was arrested for assault and for using his body as a weapon. She threw Matt out.

"I have to pay my lawyer $7,000 to defend and protect me in Matt's trial and in the divorce," Claire recently told me. "Costs keep piling up. Also, I need to refinance the house and get his name off the title. My credit card is maxed out at $5,000. I don't know what to do. I feel constantly anxious and worried."

When Claire was a baby, I took out a $100,000 life insurance policy with her as the beneficiary. For 27 years, I paid the monthly premium until it was paid off three years ago. I ensured the policy allows Claire and me to withdraw money without having to pay it back. MetLife will charge 4.5% interest on the amount withdrawn. This reduces the $100,000 death benefit, of course.

As the daughter of an insurance agent, I worked in Dad's insurance agency during the summer while in high school. Listened, learned and laughed at customer's names: "Harry Knukles" (poor kid) and "King Thomason III" (grandiose). Some things you never forget.

Last week, I called MetLife and arranged to have them mail a $15,000 check to Claire next Monday. "You can take out just under $50,000," the MetLife agent said.

"Mom, words cannot express how grateful I am," Claire said. "You saved my sanity and my life. Thank you so much! I want to protect you and take care of you, too."

Over the years, I have had desperate times. Never took out any of the life insurance money. "This is for Claire," has been my vow.

Do you have life insurance for your kids?

LiterateHiker 9 June 5
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19 comments

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1

WOW! What a Sunday morning shocker to wake up to! I am glad she is moved out, moving on up and removed and all of the other moves that apply. I am also glad that she is OK.....relatively

At my age, the only Life insurance I can get is term, and it's awfully expensive.....I'd rather just invest the money....the kids will get that instead. If in a bind for cash, I can pull out of my Roth

twill Level 7 June 7, 2020
2

This happens so much. I'm sorry Claire also endured this. Mine was always verbally abusive and manipulative for ten years. He completely changed in that time to go from being in a band and partying often to becoming extremely religious and, of course, I'm not going to be a good christian wife. Without that belief, it's a bit difficult.

It got to the point that I was walking on eggshells constantly, and in fear. Nobody else ever sees this because when we'd go out to friends, he'd gotten my favorite drinks, held my chair, everything that connotes caring. The car drive home was always another matter, however.

It boiled down to one incident of him becoming hands on but I know that once it's done, I won't live the next time. I got up with my son who had thankfully walked it at the opportune time and left. I went back once when I knew he wouldn't be home, took what I could fit in my car and three other vehicles of friends that came to help and never looked back. Fought him in court for two years to get divorced and he got remarried a week after it was final. It's been 8 years

I had to fight him for contempt of court 3 times to get him to finish our decree as he owed my parents some $$ and he tried to not pay. It cost close to 20k in the end because he fought everything. It all ended as I had pushed for despite him attempting to get alimony out of me or attempting to get me to trade cars and give him one that I had made all the payments for at that point in time. You don't want to know the ignorant BS he tried for.

Since then he has called my parents to attempt to get them on his side. My relationship with my folks isn't the best either and it hurts me that they allowed him to actually voice these accusations. Finally my mom has told him that she cannot convince me to change anything in the decree and that it has nothing to do with THEM. She's told him never to call again. When my dad died, I hadn't heard that he tried. To my knowledge he has surprisingly honored her request.

I've had to endure stalking and his attempt to use friends to get information about me, along with a long list of other insidious and manipulative tactics. They aren't good people but thankfully not everyone is like that. I'm glad Claire has found her Shane! She'll heal and be fine. The world is sweet! All we can do is not let the bad ones in and appreciate the good when we find it.

2

I do not have kid(s) nor do I have life insurance. Nor did my parent have life insurance (she was terrible with money and me/my sister were on the hook to pay for her funeral and expenses related to clearing out her apartment). I do not know if my father has life insurance and I do not want to ask because he's convinced I only go to him for money, so that would prove his paranoia to him. fck it. I will get life insurance though when more stable job-wise, since I know how bloody expensive funerals and wakes are now, from experience. >:/

1

ughh what a POS. And you always spoke so fondly of them and their marriage/relationship. I guess he was one of those behind closed doors abuser types. fckng asswipe. I despise abuser(s) and I'd kick him myself for her. XD Hope she recovers and regains her former self. ๐Ÿ™‚

@demifeministgal

"Matt is a sociopath," Claire said. "He puts on an affectionate show, apologizes and promises never to hurt me again. 'I love you so much," he says and cries. That doesn't last. Matt starts drinking and drugs and gets violent again."

I read Claire's Declaration for Matt's trial that described his abuse over the past two years. It took her two weeks to write. Claire called friends to clarify dates. I cried reading it.

"It was therapeutic to write," Claire said. Glad she has a good counselor.

I awoke with the realization that Matt terrorized and tortured Claire. She agreed. He is dead to me.

Sounds like maybe a narcissist as well. Yikes! I am sorry she endured emotional abuse in addition to the physical abuse. As a survivor myself I know how hard it can be. I hope she is able to find true love one day. I know for myself, I cannot trust anyone completely. I hope the same does not happen to her. Although the dynamics are different, perhaps it will be easier for her to heal since she has supportive, loving parents. ๐Ÿ™‚

@demifeministgal

At her house in Lake Stevens, WA, Claire and Shane, a man who has loved her for four years, are sheltering in place together. A counselor in private practice, Shane is helping Claire recover from her PTSD, panic attacks and anxiety.

As a vegan, Shane has done hot yoga for four years. He has great upper body strength. Shane helped Claire repair extensive damage Matt did to the house when he came to get his belongings.

"Shane is the most emotionally intelligent man I have ever met," Claire said. Together, they visited me in Wenatchee, WA on Memorial Day weekend. Shane is kind, respectful, grounded and centered.

Claire has not been this happy and talkative in five years! She looked great.

On Saturday morning, I took Claire and Shane on an hour-long walk on Riverfront Trail. From San Diego, CA, Shane fell in love with Wenatchee, WA, Claire's hometown, as she hoped.

After selling the house, Claire and Shane plan to move to Wenatchee. Yay!

1

Sad to hear your daughter's been living with someone like that. Good thing she's got her loving mom to lean on.

1

Well as a single father, I made my kids the beneficiary of my life insurance. Currently I think the payout is around $80,000.

JimG Level 8 June 5, 2020
1

On both kids, I've given them the policies as they've matured. Signed it over. Mine wasn't as large as yours was but it's always a good idea. And divorces can get ugly, mine cost over 15k by the time it was said and done but I had to take him back for contempt THREE times.

1

Your daughter is lucky she has such a mother who made the correct decisions as you did.

@richiegtt

Thank you. Claire cried with relief with I told her that MetLife will mail her a $15,000 check on Monday, 6/8/2020.

"Mom, I can't thank you enough for doing this for me," she said. "You are saving my life."

2

I donโ€™t. I canโ€™t afford to pay anything. I did start a few years ago, but had to close the account. Explaining why. I donโ€™t have retirement bc I was a stay at home mom for 15 years when I came to the US, wasnโ€™t allowed to work, and couldnโ€™t have worked even if tried, my ex would move us to another one of his jobs! 3 years ago he alienated our 4 children, 2 daughters made their way back, pawns in the hands of a master puppeteer, but not having a good attorney I got no spousal support, had no job, then found myself homeless when he got me out of the house. Children werenโ€™t allowed to speak to me for years, one is still alienated. All adults now. I finally found a state job with medical benefits, but salaries are super low, I work 2 PT jobs to pay bills. So, no, as much as I love my kids I canโ€™t help them bc Iโ€™ll have to figure out ways to cut expenses and the only budget I can finagle is the food. My ex crippled us all, he helps 2 daughters now, but he has no life insurance. They are full time college students. In the event of his demise, they are screwed majorly and we have no family in the US to help us.

3

No, but I can borrow against my retirement should my son need it, and I would do it in a heartbeat for him. I'm glad Claire is getting out of this marriage, and to safety. I just stated in another post "we enculturate males with a need to control and rule over something." Why, oh why do we have this in our culture? It's ruining our boys and men, and endangering our women.

My heart and thoughts are with you and Claire.

I think you nailed it, what is weird about me : I seek power over no one and hope that everyone has power unto themselves, over their own lives.

2

When my husband and I took out a loan for a house I made sure he had mortgage insurance. It pays off your home if whoever you insure dies. So my house was paid for when he passed away.

2

Sorry this happenned to your daughter but at least it was early in the marriage ,so will be much easier for her to start over ,Your a fanastic mom

@RoyMillar

Thank you. "I'm glad you and Matt didn't have kids, " I told Claire. "If you had, Matt would be in your life forever."

"Matt's father and grandfather are violent toward their wives and children, too," Claire said. "It would break my heart to see Matt's hate and disrespect in my child's eyes looking at me."

"I hoped to heal Matt's anger at his father with my love," she said. "Not wanting to pass on Matt's genes was a deciding factor in leaving him."

1

You are amazing! Such a good provider for your daughter

@BudFrank, @Dhiltong

Thank you. Claire's dad had a saving account to pay for Claire's wedding. Claire and Matt were married on Sept. 15, 2018. She left Matt 1-1/2 years later.

Her father is tapped out. He can't help her financially now.

I feel glad to help Claire in this time of need. It's heartwarming. Proud of Claire for having the strength to leave Matt. Bravo!

@LiterateHiker I remember when I left my second wife who was emotionally abusive, several friends were surprised I had the Balls to do that. So it is good to see people standing up for their needs in that way.

1

Wow, that's too bad I seem to recall you posting pic's of the wedding not that long ago. It's nice that your actions long ago have been a life saver now. I also grew up with a father in the insurance industry and used what I learned from him well.

1

...when I think back to my abuse many years ago. I wish I knew then what I know now. ...but off course I know it doesn't work that way. ...but the power it gives (how that situation shapes your inner strength) you now makes you wish you can go back and handle it better. ...been there!
I wish your daughter well and thankfully she's getting rid of "that".

1

Thanks for sharing ๐Ÿค—
I'm not sure how life assurance works in USA.
You cannot make a loan against a life assurance policy in South Africa. It only pays out on death or terminal illness ie just pure life assurance.
Off course you can add benefits to the policy in the event of a disability or a severe illness, which then pays out in that instance ie a claim on either event.
Is your policy perhaps a savings combined towards a life policy? with a investment element which have already matured? meaning the term expired but the value remains without further contributions for you to make a partial withdrawal when required?

They work the same as yours in Australia. ๐Ÿ™‚

@Cyklone also in SA if you take out a life policy and nominate a beneficiary, the beneficiary only gets the proceeds on death, provided the contributions are up to date.

2

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened. I am really happy to hear that you were able to do this for her. You are a great person.

@dalefvictor

It's heartwarming when you can help people you love.

@LiterateHiker I hope he does not take advantage of the situation. Do you have a good lawyer? I can recommend a good one, my brother has a great one in Seattle.

@dalefvictor

I asked Claire not to tell Matt or his lawyer how I am helping her financially. You're right: Matt may try to take advantage of the situation. Washington is a community property state.

It is my life insurance policy, not Claire's.

2

Yikes. Take some more out and pay someone to kill her fucking ex. Just kidding. A little.

1

Yes, I do. You need more than ever during these uncertain times.

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