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How do you get over the death of a love one?

bluefairy 6 July 23
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4

You don't. They would not want you to give up on life or any crazy thing like that, so your only choice is to get on with your life . . . . so that is what you do.

3

Depends on the relationship you had with the loved one.

When I was in 5th grade I lost my favorite grandmother. Many, many nights of tears, I envisioned my tears filling a gallon glass jug and this jug once filled would mark the end of grieving time. I used this time to internalize all the love this wonderful woman had shown me. All the lessons, the interactions, the priority, she placed my happiness and health above her own. I was greatly influenced and analyzed what made her what she was, why she had prioritized others above her own comfort? How her modeling influence how and what what she had shown me; I was able to process this loss and become a person who held the values she imparted. In retrospect, (today) I recognize her death had a profound influence on defining who I am today. I type this with tears running down my cheeks. She died roughly a half a century ago. Rather sure I will never get over her death.

When my beloved grandfather (her husband) died (about 10 years ago) It was a sad but not at all traumatic loss. The last time I met him a few months before his death, the last thing he told me is, "I'm ready to die." I had time to process his loss before he departed and was able to accept his loss as natural process. The death of Dumbledore hit me harder then his passing. (That was a rugged book.)

With the virus in the wild, I may soon face the death of my parents and possibly my only good friend in this state (she has multiple high risk factors and works in the medical field). Although I maintain good relationships with my parents, I can't imagine their loss will be as traumatic as my favorite grandmother. As a teacher going back to school soon, there is a very good chance I will pick up the virus with a real chance it will take me out. My primary goal is to survive this virus so as not to place them in a position of my loss.

Hope you find a productive path to a new level of happiness.

This link may help you:

Thanks for sharing with me. The nature of the relationship does impact how we grieve. But my problem is actually making the first step to coping with it. It's easier said than done. It's like I know what I have to do to make it better but I'm not motivated to do so

@bluefairy I am no expert on this topic but think you are best to grieve when and how you are ready to grieve. A few decades ago my 10 year relationship significant other left the state and found a younger man. (20 years her junior). I moved to a different city and it took many months before I mentally began to addressed this loss. I started a routine of walking alone late at night. After many nights of reflection I adjusted to the new normal. This article is worth reading. [familydoctor.org]

@NoMagicCookie I do find being alone with my thoughts therapeutic... But with covid 19 lockdown, I can't "run away" the way I want...

@bluefairy You are correct. These are hard times. I have found it helpful to set a tiny goal for each day. Something to demonstrate forward movement. Most sorry for you loss.

3

The time helped me to accepted and reduced
the pain of loosing my love ones. I honor them everyday by thinking of the beautiful moments we spent together.

Admitted thinking of my best times with them helps 🙂

3

I'm not really sure you ever get over it. After some grieving, you just gotta smile, get on with your life, and try to create to happy, new experiences, as this will put a little distance between you and your grief 🙂

Keeping myself distract is easier said than done especially since I'm a loner

3

The best explanation I have come across is what’s known as “The ball and the box” analogy. Here is a link to describe it.

[psychcentral.com]

Currently my ball is much smaller than it was. It is still quite painful when it hits me, though.

Thanks for sharing 🙂

3

Sometimes you don't

lerlo Level 8 July 23, 2020
3

There's a lot of wisdom in what is said here, and evidently you are the only one that can get over the death of your loved one I wish you well and peace. Cherish the time you had together and remember.

2

The stages in grief after bereavement:-

Denial and Isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

[cancer.org]

Pretty sure I never experience most of those things yet I know I loved the people I have lost.

@Lorajay ...you could have passed through the stages and didn’t realize it. And before I knew about these ‘stages,’ ...when my Dad was killed in an argument with another man, I was hung up in the ‘depression stage,’ for many years. It was as if my grief went underground and refused to leave!

I feel like I'm a blend somewhere between isolation, depression and acceptance...

@bluefairy You are getting towards the end nevertheless. It cannot be hurried . Your brain will work on it while you sleep. Sleep well.

2

There will be something too always remind you at the strangest moments!!!

The pain and the hurt does diminish with time, not the sprit of it all!!!

2

Here is an approach that works for me. In a word, Stoicism. What does that mean?

I assume you are sad because your loved one was meaningful to you: shared joy, experiences, hard times, maybe growing up together. The memories of those experiences is not gone. Yes, there will be no new ones, but the old ones are still as meaningful, and likely more so, than they were.

So cherish the memories. You do not control the persons death, and you can still celebrate their life in whatever way you choose. And you can choose not to let sadness overtake you. Your reaction is a choice. The event itself, the death, is not. Worry about what you can control.

2

First you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russell Friedman. You then read this book, and do what it says.

It is not like other bullshit grief books, with their trite quotes and saccharine advice. No. This is a book of concrete steps toward healing. As a bonus, it is completely non-religious. It actively discourages allowing religion to interfere with healing.

2

What Pondartincbendog said. Plus grief will always be with you, but it can not stop you loving, if loving is in your nature, if you let yourself go, you will love others or the whole world whether you want to or not. Pain is a learning experience and our learning is our greatest treasure.

Foolish people will tell you that time will heal, perhaps but don't be in a rush to heal, it comes when it comes, and don't let others pressure you into haste.

1

You don't. The grief eventually quiets and things get better. Takes some a long time.

1

You don't. You miss them every day, however you cling onto the love you had and that keeps you going. Energy is eternal. Part of my Mum and my beloved friend Linzi and my cousin are inside me (and you) that keeps me going. Much love

Amisja Level 8 July 25, 2020
1

You don't. I mean that with care and concern. I think you always wish it were different. I have found grief ebbs and flows even years later. Finding solace or peace is often a daily task. Let your grief fly, you are allowed to not try to hide it or quash it. It's so hokey, but time will slightly take the edge off of your sadness.

Lylle Level 2 July 25, 2020
1

My most sincerest Condolences to anyone who has lost a Loved One, etc, etc.
Recovering from a loss is bloody hard to say the least, it can and does take years and years often even a whole life-time, trust me because I've been there twice with both my children.
The truth of the matter is though, You never really 'get over it' you just learn slowly to cope with it and the emotional pain, etc, that it brings.
Though the emotional 'pain' seems to lessen over time it never truly disappears BUT the good memories, etc, you have are the greatest 'compensations' you'll ever know.

1

This coming September,will be 3 years,since I lost my wife of 27 years to Cancer, I was late to marriage at 43, we met via an ad I ran in a singles paper in San Diego,she was my first wife,I her third husband,time flew by fast,at the 25th year mark I thought things were going good,but Kathy(my late wife) was showing mental confusion,getting lost,driving over curbs in our car. A 3/4" Tumor was found,in her Brain,Radiation took care of that, but Chemotherapy began,every other week,holding onto hope for a remission,but it wasn't to be,from diagnosis to her passing,was 13 months.

I was never much of a dater after my separation from the Air Force,low paying jobs limited my doing much,so on my wife's loss,it wasn't the shock other Men have experienced,yes she's missed,we had a good life for all those years,now I have memories........

1

My first big loss was my maternal grandfather. He taught me many things such as fishing, how to hand him the tools he needed as he laid under a car trying to fix it LOL! He taught me how to play box and field lacrosse, hockey and soft ball. When he passed away I held onto the tears for 15 years. I was a wreck and after the 15 years I finally cracked and the tears flowed what seemed like forever but now today I think of him and I can smile and remember those lessens he taught me. So yes I agree Time helps plus I learned that you have to Let Go of those tears. So when my mom died 4 years ago I still cry but not as hard or as long now. What also helps me is when I write to her in my Journal. The Letting Go is the most important! Then we can smile!!! Again!

Thanks for sharing... I'm reading everyone's advice and it feels like easier said than done...

1

Ilost my mother in 2006, It's takes a while to get through it, time will help., but It's always there, scared for life Ir's sure not a loving god like they say it is, nobody should go through it,. it just proves that god doesn't exist and is worthless, It's not my god that's for sure.

ml58n2 Level 7 July 23, 2020

Thanks for sharing. One of the distressing things I have to deal with is ppl telling me prayer to feel better or it's part of god's plan. I really don't want to hear this right now.

1

I focus on what they added to my life and remember those good moments, then I try my hardest to be that person to the people I know.

1

I'll always miss someone I lost. I've finally accepted that I'll always miss her. What really helped me with the grieving process was spending time with her family over a couple days during the funeral. It was comforting to be with others who loved her and felt as I did.

0

Emmanuel's Book by Ram Das - Give it a shot with an open heart.

Babyg Level 3 July 27, 2020
0

I’m sure I would echo many of the things that have been said . My condolences to you. You have to live and realize that the moment is no longer and no matter how much you are in despair it won’t change what has happened. Grieving is okay , grieve in your way for however long you need to but life calls you still and I’m sure whoever it was you lost would want you to live your life to fullest. Ego is born of misery and will use whatever spin it can to maintain its illusion. May you find peace.

0

You don't cry because their gone. You rejoice that they were here.

0

Time heals such wounds. Mourn for you loved one for a limited time. Then, get over it and move on. Look on the bright side of life, and your happiness will return. 🙂

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