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My male lover is mad at me for standing up to his sexist, racist beliefs.

Was I too hard on him?

For five years, Greg has mistaken my intensity for anger. After I countered his racist statements, he said I was “ranting before, during and after .” I’m still laughing about that.

“I realize you mistake my intensity for anger,” I replied. “If you think I felt angry before, during and after s-x, you are sorely mistaken. S-x with you was delicious. It appears my intensity, intelligence and strength scare you. This has been a problem since we met.“

Greg is on his best behavior before s-x. Afterwards, he often starts a fight to push me away because he’s terrified of feeling vulnerable. When I challenge him, it gives him an excuse to stomp out.

Mocking "I can't breathe" signs

“I can’t breathe’ signs are wrong because if people can talk, they can breathe,” he said smugly during pillow talk the last time I saw him.

“’I can’t breathe’ signs are powerful and moving,” I replied. “With fear and panic, people take shallow breaths. Feels like we can’t breathe. Black people being strangled by police can’t breathe. No one says ‘You are stopping 98.6 percent of my breath.’ People don’t talk like that. They say, ‘I can’t breathe.’ The sign is eloquent and powerful.”

“I disagree with removing Confederate statues because it destroys history,” he said.
“WHOSE history?” I replied. “ supremacist history. You are siding with supremacists. How would you feel growing up as a black , seeing statues that exalt men who fought to keep ?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “You need to develop empathy,” I said.

men are being discriminated against

Affirmative action discriminates against men,” Greg said a few years ago. "Unqualified minorities and women got promoted over more qualified men.” Previously, he worked for the FBI.

“Come on!” I replied. "Affirmative action is to correct long-standing discrimination against minorities, women and disabled people in hiring, promotion and other employment practices. Not to mention the fact that women average 72% of mens' in commensurate jobs, and black people are 66% less than men on average. Your attitudes are way behind the times.”

Now he’s mad at me. “You’re not the arbitrator of what is racist,” he texted. If it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it’s a duck.

I plan to dump Greg for good. FLUSH.

LiterateHiker 9 Dec 1
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29 comments

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7

Might I suggest looking elsewhere? Sex is wonderful when two people are of like minds.

@Organist1

The sex is great. He's the only man who listens to me, and changes his behavior in bed. He loves giving me pleasure.

I use him for sex. I don't ever want to live with a man again.

7

There are better guys out there

@bobowjr

Many older men have erectile dysfunction and are awful in bed. Lazy, selfish, habitual jackhammers and/or lousy lovers.

The sex is phenomenal. Greg is the only man who listens to me and changes his behavior in bed. He loves giving me pleasure.

I use him for sex. I refuse to live with a man again.

6

Oh Hayull NO you weren't too hard on him. I wouldn't put up with him, even if he is good in the sack. If I don't wanna be with him out of bed, I don't want him in my bed.

6

I hope the sex is phenomenal, because I'm not sure I could put up with that if I was you.

@PadraicM

The sex is great. He's the only man I know who listens to me and changes his behavior in bed. He loves giving me pleasure.

I don't ever want to live with a man again.

5

Just as well the sex is “delicious”.....in all other departments he seems to be a complete ass. I’d just bring him out for use as a sex toy and keep him gagged and in the closet at all other times!

5

Are you writing a novel?

5

You're more tolerant than I am, I would never stand for that because I wouldn't be able to get over that no matter what. I have to at least like the guy.

4

I would have banished him forthwith.
My wife would take even more drastic action.

3

Talking about politics and the news during pillow talk?! I wouldn't do that.

3

Well done for sticking up for your beliefs. I’m proud of you, if it’s ok to say that? I hope he loves you all the more for being you 🙂

I certainly hope so also

3

Well, I can't judge how you handle your Emotions during those Convos. For that, I can only comment on what I see from this Post. Going over the OP, It doesn't look like you were Hard on him. He wants to Act Invulnerable, He can take Opposing Arguments... I also don't want to Influence any decisions so, I'll just put my Comments out there and You can Interpret it how you feel. I think he's just on his Best Behavior just for that 1 thing. Saying these things is obviously not a good thing to be holding as Beliefs, So I will say Good on you for Refuting...

  1. (Mocking the "I can't Breathe" Signs) Common Sense would tell anybody that Cutting off Circulation is Dangerous to the Person's Health. "If they can talk, they can Breathe" is a kind of "Lessen the Blow" Response to what happened So they can Shelf it until the next "Incident" Happens. Either way, it shouldn't have happened. If he was the one in that Situation, It would be Different then huh?

  2. (White Men gets Discriminated against too) Affirmative action was put into Action to Stop Businesses from Discrimination through the Hiring Process or in the Workplace. If he's making an Argument for White Male Discrimination through that, It's not a Good way to do so. Look to the Majority of Businesses, look at the Higher Ranks through the Years and What has been the Narrative? Affirmative action gives more Opportunities to Minorities and Women to give a Chance to the Hardest and/or Smartest Working employees, Instead of looking at what they look like. It is Super Beneficial to the Workplace and should be Kept in Order. Again, it's a Weak Point to his Argument.

You may not be the Official Arbitrator of what's Racist, But If he's gonna get Defensive about those types of things, then Yeah, Call it out. Racism and Sexism Should be Eradicated and that Commands Fierce Opposition...

3

Last year I went to the hospital for Afib and pulmonary hypertension. I could talk (barely) while I was gasping for breath.

Personally I think your friend is an asshole. I've tolerated that type before and will NEVER tolerate it again.

3

Sex must be exceptional to tolerate such thinking. I might suggest you enjoy the sex and go your separate ways as quickly as possible until the next time.

@Jilyn37

He's the only man I know who listens to me and changes his behavior in bed. He loves giving me pleasure.

"You blew it," I told him. "You lost the privilege to cuddle after sex. After we're done, get up and leave."

@LiterateHiker I am an affectionate man and cuddling is a great pleasure for me both before and after sex and really anytime I have the opportunity to do so, with or without sex.

3

When a fish asks, "What's water?", there isn't much you can say or do.

Textbook case of cognitive dissonance.

Enjoy the time together, then send him on his way 🙂

@Mitch07102

"You blew it," I told Greg. "You lost the privilege to cuddle after sex. After we're done, you need to get up and leave."

2

You need a replacement. Even if he’s a good lover, he’s not such a good person it seems. You are not wrong for standing up to him.

There are other guys who would modify their lovemaking routine to fit your needs. And there are other guys who would love to pleasure you. You just haven’t experienced that

@BudFrank

I cannot tell you how bad most guys are in bed. Most refuse to listen or change their habits. Erectile dysfunction with no disclosure- "I wanted to see if I could do it naturally." Selfish. Lazy and boring. The worst is painful jackhammering.

As a sensualist, I have been lucky to have had three great lovers. Athletes (what a body!), they were sensualists, too. They slowed down enough to figure out how to give me pleasure. I did the same for them.

Sadly, those three athletes didn't want a relationship. Off they went to the next unsuspecting woman.

2

I'm always dismayed and bewildered that men with this degree of dysfunction can still find sex partners, while guys like me are out in the cold.

@BitFlipper

Greg is a phenomenal lover. A quiet man, he is the only man I met who listens and changes his behavior in bed. He loves giving me pleasure.

We have been lovers on-and-off for five years. I get fed up with Greg and dump him. Eventually, he comes crawling back.

I just want him for sex. Don't want to live with a man again.

@BitFlipper

"Guys like me are out in the cold," you wrote.

Like what? Why do you believe women ignore you?

2

i had a friends with benefits once and we would occasionally go out for Sunday drives or do a few other things ,be both knew there was nothing romantic between us just good friends but we enjoyed a good round of sex together ,we both had no expectations before or after it , So it was one of the most relaxing stress free times ,and we both knew if we did meet some one else there would be no problem calling it off or putting it on hold until we were both baggage free ,so we basically had no one to answer to except our selves . We were both very courteous to each other always ,Hard to find some one on the same level that can do that.

2

I am unclear on the point of this, are you looking for allies for your argument, relationship advice or just bragging about good tail (which is never a bad thing).

@Canndue

"Was I too hard on him?" I asked.

@LiterateHiker naw, just adds to the sexual tension. After all, neither of you will change the world

@LiterateHiker If I have this correct, you were not hard enough. No matter how great the sex, how could you stand to even look at a man with those values, which are damaging to you and to him by influence to those around you. So by extension, how do you generate sexual feelings for him with such repulsive beliefs.

@Healthydoc70

Greg and I have been lovers on-and-off for five years. I get fed up and dump him. Eventually he apologizes and comes crawling back.

Greg is the only man I've met who listens to me and changes his behavior in bed. We know how to give each other pleasure. This is rare.

"You blew it," I told him. "You lost the privilege of cuddling after sex. From now on, I want you to get up and leave."

Living alone, I have rich, fun and full life. Don't want to live with a man again.

@LiterateHiker With all due respect, this is like the battered wife syndrome. I could say more, but will refrain.

@Healthydoc70

]I'm in charge of my life: strong, confident, articulate and intelligent.

@Healthydoc70 I don’t think so, I think she is a strong woman, stands up for herself, and enjoys her pootang. Nothing wrong with that.

@Canndue I will not argue this since IMO, it is clear. No one who claims to be strong, confident, articulate and intelligent would engage in such behavior with this miscreant.

@Canndue, @LiterateHiker I am now of the opposite opinion of you.

@Healthydoc70

Stop being so judgmental.

This was the first time Greg made any racist statements. I decided to dump him.

@Canndue

Thank you for your support.

@Healthydoc70 simple, he doesn’t have the upper hand, they have different opinions and voice them , in addition the have a good sex life while maintaining independence. May not be your traditional relationship ( though similar to a crotchety old married couple in many ways) but don’t see where anyone is being harmed.

@Healthydoc70 c’est la vie ✌️

2

I could not put up with that and I damned sure do not want some crying white person telling me how they are discriminated against. I'm very tired of that one. As for his behavior after sex, most men do not want to feel vulnerable. I see it but do not agree with him. My own daughters tell me that getting rid of Confederate statues is getting rid of our history. It is white supremacist history and the statues all need to go into a special museum. We all should develop empathy.

2

But you won't actually date someone who has racist, sexist beliefs...just sleep with someone who does between guys who don't. 😉

1of5 Level 8 Dec 1, 2020
1

You're activism seems to always have been front and center. My activism has attracted a few men like that but I was never attracted to them in any physical way so I never had to choose between good sex and decent companionship.

He must have been a wiley manipulator to get past your a** detecting radar.

1

My vibrator never gives me that kind of crap.

Deb57 Level 8 Dec 4, 2020
1

You really need a new male friend in your life.

@SageDave

I plan to dump Greg for good.

@LiterateHiker Good for you. There are enough headaches to go around without inviting more from a contrary person.

1

he sounds like a tRumper to me

@Robert_2001

Yes, he sounded like a Trumper, although he said he didn't vote for Trump. This was the first time I heard him make racist statements. I felt shocked and appalled.

I decided to give Greg the boot.

1

I had 2 near death experiences where I was screaming in the ER while being suffocated by an anaphylaxic
episodes. It is not pretty to endure suffocation begging for ones life. I did & survived. I applaud your empathy. I applaud your courage. I would have to re evaluate . Remember to keep it on topic. Deflect is a tactic often employed when an answer evades them. Our police should not be suffocating a suspect as a vendetta, which it was. There was bad blood. Ps. Thank you ER doctors for saving my life. Twice.

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