Same here. I think a Christian upbringing, and most other fundamentalist/orthodox theistic religions have a lot to do with it. There are two types of religious people. A very small fraction seem to have taken something useful and guilt free from their faith and pass that light onto others without judgement. A great majority of them have fallen for the man made guilt trap into a cycle of shame and entitlement. They grow up being shamed by stodgy adults, develop bitterness and entitlement over the repression of believing someone else’s lies about them, and grow up to take it out on the next generation. They’re shamed into feeling the same way, rinse and repeat.

Whether it’s on an existential level, telling you your existence caused someone to be tortured and you owe them your devotion, or the microcosm of the dinner table martyr, it’s all the same. The thing about the creation myth of genesis that never made sense to me, even as allegory, was: why would god punish all of humankind for one mistake their parents made? I felt a literal weight lift off my shoulders and a lifetime of tensions cease when I realized he didn’t. We do it to ourselves, and each other.

Your story resonates with me.
Your fortunate that you are asking these questions. They are good questions. The fact that you are asking makes me think that you will work through the issues and come out at the other end with some positive self awareness. I say you are fortunate because regardless of their backgrounds not everyone self examines and I think self examination leads to a healthier path in life.

MuzikDan, this may be a little late but I see you know the difference in your childhood and don't want to punish others because of it. When raising my children I didn't want them to suffer as I did, trying to explain to their mother didn't work, but I did my best raising them and letting them know some of what I went through. Now, my son with his son says thank you and he now understands. I told him if he has a better life than I did, I did good, and if his son has a better life than he does, we both did good. It's how you let them know what you went through does matter, it'll make easier for you and help them. That's kids, wife and friends.

Are you the oldest in the family? Unfortunately there is no school that one can go to learn to be a good parent. Usually they try to do the best they can. Your father was just a product from his own upbringing as my mother was.
I also felt as a burden, an inconvenience and a failure when I was growing up and long into my adulthood. It took me years to realize that I could be happy without having her approval, which I never ever had in anything I did.
I tired to be a better, different parent with my own children but to this very day I think I did not succeed even though they say I did, they tell me that they always felt and feel loved but I find it hard to believe it. I think we are far too harsh on ourselves a lot of times. The important thing is to be aware and try to not make the same mistakes our parents did with us.

About your own relationship with your girlfriend. Saying that she is a great girl is not enough. You need someone who you love with all your heart and who feels the same about you. Good luck, thread carefully.

The way you describe it, it makes me wonder if he was your real dad (no offence). It would explain a lot.
It is hard not to carry on the faults of your parents. Some things like an addictive personality can be consciously fought but others like snideness or bitchyness are harder to break, although not impossible.
The cruel streak that I got from my mom is still with me. I cannot lose it, however much as would want to. What I can and have done is keep it as a reserve. Only metred out to arseholes that really deserved it. Most people who know me now would not think me cruel but if you take me to DefCon 4? Then you better duck out of the way of some serious vitriol.
What you have to realise is that you are you and nothing can change that. You have a lot of great qualities and a lot of traits that are shitty. Most people know how to play to their strengths. Few know how to play to their weaknesses. For example; If you feel the need for a lot human contact and companionship. Don't get a job as a forest ranger. If you can be a bit of an asshole, find someone who can be an asshole too, so you can both forgive each other and work on being better.

As a parent, I constantly weigh whether or not I used enough praise. I think, at least for most people, the negative sticks harder than praise. I don't personally think being conscious about food safety is being too negative, depending on the delivery. However, just out of curiosity, why is it your girlfriend's responsibility to monitor what's in the fridge for how long if you are more particular about it than she is? And as far as food rotting on the counter, did she pull it out and just leave it, or did she or you cook it and leave it?

Perhaps a discussion about what each of you value is in order. If you care about food safety more than she does, you might consider being responsible for those tasks.

I was in foster care for almost my entire childhood. The very worst abuse I faced was the emotional. The bruises and physical trauma fades, heals. The emotional trauma was far more insidious. Counseling helps tremendously.

I had a similar epiphany in my early thirties. I was not in a relationship but none of mine had lasted and I knew there were issues with my years growing up. Out of the blue it came, granted I was soaring on a carbohydrate high. On a visit to my parents house (this visit involved a cross country drive) my mom thought I was too lean and way laid me with cheetos, Breyers Real Vanilla ice cream, Entenmann's baked goods and a large box of chee-its. ALL of which I sampled while chatting with her one evening during my visit (Dad was working night shift). As I was getting ready to crawl into bed it hit me, She does not like us. (I am a twin) There was the goose bump ring of truth and it totally explained pretty much everything.

Your experience is not the overt abuse of being locked in your room, beaten or sexually abused. It's the sort of non-verbal animosity and non support that is very confusing to a young mind.

That I had sort of blocked her out to a much better degree than my twin actually caused a riff between us that will never heal.

Your feelings are real, counseling does help and can set you on the road for deep inner evaluation. Do toss all the negative self talk, it's very counter productive. We are a product of our parents and we tend to be drawn to the traits of one of them when seeking a mate. Don't marry your father. That said the inward look will let you see when you are being the parent that was abusive and you can change going forward.

I too felt that every thing I did was wrong, because I was brought up to believe that I caused all the bad in my family. Then one day, someone said to me, "even a stopped clock was right twice a day." I still haven't found the unconditional love i crave, so, I'm learning to give myself the love I want. No one can take that away from me.

Yes my mother was just such a parent, and my father being weak and absent a lot, did little to make up for it. Thankful to my grandparents.
But one thing I found about gaining self worth, which you may like to try, is giving something to other people, be it charity work or socially active commitments. It adds a lot to your self worth to know that you have made a contribution, and especially so because you will know that it brings the kind of joy and rewards that abusers can never know. Because when you see what you have achieved lighting the faces of others, you will truly know that you have outgrown their intentions and understanding.

You said a mouthful. I sympathize with you - your experience sounds like mine. It's a terrible burden to be deprived of one's self esteem at a young age. Every chapter of our lives, every experience, every adventure, every accomplishment - it all happened in a cold and empty world. The richness of life never really belongs to us ... it's like reading a story about someone else. If someone cares about us we never know, and they stop caring pretty quickly.

Keep telling your story and listening to yourself. I've discovered that I often don't know how I'm feeling until I hear it come out if my mouth.

There is nothing to feel bad about or ashamed. It’s not like you personally asked for it.

It is shameful we have segments in this fucked up world that DO try to blame the victims. But we all know who they are.

Your story brought tears to my eyes. I was an authoritarian parent. I thought that ‘my look’ would make them think twice before they made a wrong move. I never learned better until they were adults. I missed my children’s growing up years, because I didn’t know how to parent and I wasn’t aware of it! I loved my children but I just made sure that they were fed and clothed and educated. I only have the memories of demands or harsh words used to keep control (which to me meant safe).

You are in a position to parent your adulthood. You can heal your wounds and make your life what you want it to be. That is the good thing that happens, when we are ‘revealed’ to ourselves. Your parent...may have been like me...not skilled in ‘good parenting!’ I cannot speak to that. But, his behavior...is not who you are...you decide that.

It would be helpful if you start a journal as you create a meaningful path for yourself. And yes, these childhood hurts come into play in our adult life. The more that you weed out and heal your wounded parts...the more you will be free to live fully. Your dad may have exacted his own wounds upon his children...the same way that I brought my brokenness upon my children.

Best of luck with your new revelation and may you have many more (but not all at once), they will connect you to your deeper nature and there lies security.

You are wise to look back to your childhood in order to have a more positive adulthood! Your profile mentioned a family LDS background, which is intense at the very least, especially after realizing other truths and information. It's great for you that your girlfriend is clear about her religious needs for future family, which are not likely to change. Close exposure to any religion can trigger all sorts of reactions in 'christian survivors'.
As others have said, counseling will be key for your being able to move forward. Best would be to seek a counselor, therapist or psychologist with Family of Origin, Inner Child, family dynamics or other related training & experience. Trust me, the benefits are well worth the time and effort to do this work, and free you to choose and enjoy the happy life you deserve!

You are not any more of a burden than anyone else. As far as the relationship goes, be cautious. All can seen fine, but once children come along, things can change. She may feel ok , but don't underestimate family and cultural pressure on her

That is abuse. I know because both of my parents laid that guilt trip on me. It can get better, but it takes work. Realization is a great place to start. You aren't being an asshole for complaining about sanitary issues. I highly recommend going and talking to someone qualified....it can be extremely helpful!

Friend, it sounds very much to me like you suffered horrendous parental Abuse and for that I offer you my most sincerest of sympathies and understandings as I know only too well what it does to to anyone suffering it.
You ARE strong, you have endured and you HAVE survived and lived to tell the tale, Be proud, Walk Tall, Stand proud and, above ALL else, be YOURSELF and True to yourself.

My Dad placed an order for a son . I wasn't that . A year and a half after my birth , Mom gave him the son he wanted . There were definite differences , not age related , in what was acceptable and what wasn't , for each of us . While my upbringing was stricter than my brother's , in the long run , I think , I grew up to be a better , more intelligent person .

My nieces suffered that from their step father. I would always lavish love upon them to try and make up for it. One, Jessica, has already suicided. It's a terrible thing to do to a child.

You are suffering from parental abuse, whether you remember that abuse or not.

Know that you have a right to lead your own life in any way that you choose. You can set your own rules. It takes a lot of time and effort to eject from your own mind the rules implanted there by your upbringing.

Know that you are important to other people, and that will allow you to respect yourself.

Go well.