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Is an affair always wrong????

If you haven't been intimate with your wife in 6 years is it wrong to have an affair?

By Runabout19524
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55 comments

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2

Let's get real here. Its the 21st century. If you find yourself in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, Thats on you. No one is forcing you to stay married.

Furthermore to be quite frank if your own wife doesn't want your dick, you're probably not giving good dick in the first place. Who wants bad dick?

Also lets talk about expecting someone else to accept half a relationship, where they KNOW they're just being used. Hell no. Be honest and go hire a prostitute. At least she's certain to get SOMETHING out of the deal.

Made me laugh. who wants bad dick/

@kenriley nobody. Trust me.

@Blindbird I don't want a good dick let alone a bad one. Trust me lol

@kenriley lol

Lol that was a stomach ache laugh. Thanks!

19

End one relationship before you start another.

14

If she knows about it and agrees to it, then IMO it's OK. But if you have to hide it, it is wrong.

Amy0825 Level 5 Apr 13, 2018

Seems obvious, right?

The only exception I can think of (to this reply) is a partner in the hospital with dementia (or comatose) who you don't want to divorce. That might be a grey area. For some people.

Otherwise it's a discussion you need to have. See a Dr see a therapist. And talk.

@RavenCT As I was scrolling through the comments, I was thinking about my brother-in-law. A very nice man who unfortunately developed a form of dementia which has all the symptoms of Alzheimer's, but without rapid physical deterioration. This was five years ago and he now lives in a long-term care facility. My sister loves him very much and visits him every week, She is not going to divorce him, and he could live another 30 years. He no longer recognizes her, never speaks, and rarely even opens his eyes. Under these circumstances, I would not characterize any relationship as "an affair."

@PappyOnWings People can live quite a while with dementia and that's why it came to mind. They don't have the faculties to be asked and it won't matter one whit to them.

I'm very sorry for your sister.

My sister has a husband with advanced Parkinson's and is still trying to keep him out of a care faculty. I think she's going to ruin her own health doing it. But his mind is still very much there.

13

Um, yeah. Not only wrong but cowardly. See, you either choose to be married and not cheat, or if u wanna cheat, DONT be married. Pretty simple.

11

If u havent been intimate with your wife in years, either shit or get off the pot. Figure out how to get intimate/deal with the problem, or don't be married. Why on earth would people wanna resign themselves to misery??

Right? What is this 1900? Divorce is a thing, people.

9

Dishonesty is always wrong. I've always said I'd rather someone hurt me with the truth than lie to me.

AzVixen52 Level 7 Apr 13, 2018
8

When I was younger I saw things as more black and white, right or wrong. As I've gotten older I realize that things are instead, a million shades of grey. If you are being dishonest or having to hide your actions and if you are doing something your partner would not approve of, I think that constitutes cheating...and I don't think it has to be just a sexual relationship, it can be an emotional affair as well. The reasons why it sometimes happens is where things get muddled for me. We are sexual beings. We need touch, intimacy, release. I think the best policy is open communication, being able to talk to your partner and hopefully coming up with a compromise...but I also realize that it's often complicated. I don't like affairs as a whole. I think we owe it to our partners to try to communicate and solve the problem together... but I'm not going to judge someone who is having or has had them because I haven't really walked in their shoes.

You touch on some interesting (to me) nuance of this question. Sure we, or anybody else, can judge that cheating is wrong. But... so is much of the behavior on the part of the other spouse, which in many cases is a major cause of the cheating. Not the only cause, but a factor. For instance, abuse, abandonment, cheating in the first place, etc. It's my opinion that more partners need to own their own part of the problem and have some mercy on the other. I write from experience in this issue, so I'm not being a hypocrite. I am in a happy marriage that has endured issues that have split up other couples. Those issues were minor enough, to us, that we just dealt with the source(s) of the problem, forgave and moved on. Of course, there are major issues that should split a marriage.
In any case, cheating is a very frequent human activity. That doesn't make it right, but I think it is worth trying to understand why.

No one deserves to be cheated on. A cheater has agency and is responsible for their own behavior. If a person is in an unhappy marriage they can 1. Get counseling to work things out or 2. Get a divorce

8

yes cheating is always wrong. if you feel that you can work on things, do that. if not get a divorce. then have all the fun you want. but cheating is pretty much what screwed up most people i know that ended up screwed up. that can totally ruin a persons selfworth. if you ever loved this woman, don't do this to her.

Byrd Level 7 Apr 13, 2018
8

Personally, I do not believe monogamy is natural behavior.
That said, if you promised to be faithful when you took your wedding vows, then YES it
is absolutely wrong to have an affair. If you want to have sex with your wife again, it might
be time to consult a marriage counselor.
If you want to have sex with someone else, get a divorce first.
If you have an affair, that makes you a cheating asshole.

KKGator Level 9 Apr 13, 2018
7

Suggest your wife has one ! Maybe she'd be less bored ! Lol

Nickbeee Level 8 Apr 13, 2018
7

I'm thinking it may be wrong to have the wife.

nvrnuff Level 8 Apr 13, 2018

haha

Or husband

7

Have you thought about the ground rules/boundaries you want to operate within in order to date other people?

Have you discussed opening up your marriage? Is your partner agreeable to you having other sex partners?

If you answer "no" to any of these then yes, its wrong, in my opinion. That said, have you considered exactly what type of relationsjip you will be looking for? Friends with benefits? a strict sexual relationship? dating with intention to create a relationship? A committed secondary relationship with emotional connection to add to your existing primary relationship? There is a lot here to consiser before you even open this topic of conversation with your spouse. (Edited to correct typos. )

7

Lying to deceive always wrong. If you don't have to lie about it, then probably not wrong. Always is pretty subjective

TimZornes Level 3 Apr 13, 2018
6

What is always wrong is this - you have an affair, you fall in love with that person then you cannot commit to them.

That is wrong and stupid and destructful.

And I clearly speak from the experience that is scorched earth and regret.

Just saying. Good morning!

6

If you keep it a secret yes. Be open with communication. I'm open to the idea of my husband having a sex partner, just because I don't like sex but I need to KNOW about it, and her, and approve. If I don't approve and my husband sleeps with her anyway, that's betrayal and I'm no longer willing to make concessions. It's done.

6

Are you referring to a secret affair or an open one? I have learned through lots of recriminations that I am far from the center in my opinions on this topic. If the affair involves lying than it is wrong. Otherwise it is up to the couple to determine the parameters of their relationship.

RDaneel Level 5 Apr 13, 2018
6

Why are you asking us?

Looking for permission?

6

Absent any more details... Yeah, it’s wrong.

5

Erm, if you're married, ask your partner. If they say it's wrong then it is. It's not because you're going against some mythical sacredness of marriage. It's because you're betraying the trust of your spouse. It took years to build that trust but you're considering throwing it away? For what? A few minutes of fun?

Not gonna judge. I'm just trying to offer perspective. I know it's all too human to want your needs met and even go to desperate lengths to get there but have a think about what's really important in your life. No two people are perfect and no two people will meet each other's needs perfectly. But you either choose to accept each other as your imperfect selves, with all the faults and shortcomings (on both sides) or you do the right thing by the other person and set them free. Don't go behind their back. It's not worth it, no matter how much you think it will help in the short term.

5

I have to ask the question.... "Is a marriage always right?" Sorry, not passing judgement.

I'd go even further and asking is marriage even necessary nowadays?

@AdriaBack I did it once. Lasted 19 years and gave me 3 children. I wanted all my children born in marriage. Mission accomplished. No longer a requirement but I can never say never... after all I don't believe in aliens from outer space. But she is going to have to ask me nicely and with convincing argument. Your Rationale is well Understood and in tune with the times we live in.

5

For a slightly different perspective, here's my view as someone often approached for the role of side piece. Yes, an affair is wrong. If you have to lie to spend time with me, it's wrong. I deserve more than stolen moments. I really don't want to listen to you complain about your wife's lack of interest in sex. I want a future with someone. There is more to me than a body for you to fuck. Fix your current relationship or leave it.

moonmaid Level 8 Apr 13, 2018

Yes. Here's the often overlooked voice in this. The woman who's expected to be ok with just being a convenience. More people are hurt by affairs than just the husband and wife.

5

Yup. If the spouse is ok with a side piece then it is not an affair.

Lucy_Fehr Level 8 Apr 13, 2018
5

Question should be why 6 years later you are still together? Looking for affairs is not solving your "Issues".

5

Get a divorse and then go crazy. But cheatig within a marriage is anathrma to me. You are violating a contract.

5

Sometimes an affair happens before we have our own moral values set. But, after that, we need to honor our core values or we loose face with our self. I can't make that decision for others...each one of us must live solely with our private self. That is what matters to me. I don't want to do things that I must hide, worried if they were ever found out...I would lose 'face' and others could be hurt, too!

5

It makes more sense to evaluate your marriage to see if there's anything about it you want to preserve, and whether that outweighs having sex. If sex is more important, then tell your wife your thoughts, then if she still doesn't want to change or see a counselor or doctor, take steps to move out and find someone else.

Chances are, she's bored with you anyway and secretly hoping for a way to escape.

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