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Is it 'wrong' to love more than one person at the same time?

Which is preferrable::

Get married, have children, 'cheat', then divorce ...or...be honest with yourself and your partner and admit that the possibility of loving more than one person during the course of a relationships life cycle is part of the 'facts of life" ? Why do we continue to accept the religious view of marriage to mean one man and one woman FOREVER? Who believes in forever anyway. Can anybody know for certainty that feelings, thoughts or personalities do not change with time?

Why do we subscribe to this religious dogma?

Granolagirl 5 May 4

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58 comments

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1

The idea of marriage forever has been steadily declining as the life expectancy has been rising, and Life has been getting more complicated. Modern young people are better educated and better connected socially to be aware of how so many "till death do you part" relationships actually fail for one reason or another. So to be more realistic and not have that unwanted pressure to stay with someone who changes over time to be someone they no long even like, they may go for 2 or 3 good shorter term relationships in their lifetime to be better fulfilled. We CAN know for certain that feelings, thoughts, and some parts of personalities WILL change because we all mature and evolve due to our own life experience. Often people can still stay together, and sometimes though they do drift apart, in which case it makes no sense to stay together and make each other's lives miserable. Better to go it alone, or take another spin of the wheel if the heart is so inclined. Just my ideas, and maybe others will have other ideas as well.

11

It's only wrong when you're doing something hurtful to someone else.

8

I was once asked if I prefer open or closed relationships. I replied that I prefer an HONEST relationship. I have been in more than one poly relationship where my partner cheated on me when he didn't need to.

It seems to be that poly relationships revolve around men. One man, lots of women.

It does annoy me when people say monogamy is unnatural. They should rephrase it as 'unnatural for them'. I know several monogamous relationships and that's what they want.

@Ellatynemouth Poly relationships for Mormons revolve around men. I'm not Mormon, and I expect the same courtesy I give to my partner to be given to me.

Unnatural is a relative term. What may be unnatural for me, may be natural to you. As long as the parties are adults and all give consent, it's none of my concern. Also, I to know a lot of monogamous relationships and poly ones. Whatever floats their boat.

@Ellatynemouth I hope you'll be happy to know that polyandrous cultures do exist. For example, there's a tradition for it in Tibet.

@jeanhartely

Yes. I saw this photo.

The men don't look happy I don't think. One man is enough for me

8

Well, if it's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

7

Loving more than one person is not just a possibility, it's an absolute for anyone not afraid to look at themselves with an honest eye.

Once you get to the point that you love freely, openly, and with abandon, you'll attract loving people to you. At that point, open communication is essential.

There is nothing wrong with being in love. It's the most amazing feeling. When you are in love, you do not shut it off for all other people. There is no honor in denying your basic human feelings. You don't have to be a god to love everyone.

As an example, I'll use myself. I have loving relationships with well over 100 people. Maybe even over 200. I'm happier and more content with life than I have ever been, and it rubs off on those I love.

Do not mistake me when I say love, and assume it to be physical love. I have physical relationships with a few people, and all of them know about the others. A really magical thing happened at my birthday parties. Two of my loves met, got together, and have a wonderful, loving, physical relationship, and I couldn't be happier for them. And most of them have met each other and enjoy each other's company.

When you love freely and unconditionally, that's the kind of people you attract.

Religion doesn't like it when the people they're trying to control are happy.

@Granolagirl it all about control point blank. Most are against birth control and abortion yet abortion is ok per the bible given a women a bitter tasting liquid to cause a misscarriage. They preach no abortion but only care until after you have it then they arent really interested other then to brainwash the child later. What i find interesting some of these same believer think that the death penalty is ok..

@Rdurham Right? Hypocrisy!

Very well put, Steve. Sounds dreamy.

7

It's not wrong and it's always better to be open and honest. Always.

But often romantic love pushes for exclusivity - our other half.

It becomes clearer if you imagine one of the men that you love, loving another besides you. How would you feel then?

I think your point about being open and honest underlines the whole subject.

6

Well, not all of us do. To answer your lead question, you can't control who you fall in love with. All you can do is control how you handle it.

6

I definitely do not believe in the religious perspective of marriage. However, I do consider marriage to be a monogamous contract between two people (unless there is an agreement otherwise). I consider polyamory a lifestyle choice. I don't know how workable it is. Seems to me that polyamorous relationships would eventually generate jealousy and conflict, but I have never done it. As for having an occasional "allowed" fling to keep variety and excitement in your life, it could work, but has the same risks. Your partner might realize things aren't going well and agree to it, but not REALLY be agreeing to it. =\

5

The polyamory community believes you can love and have relationships with multiple people. It is a matter of open two way communication and acceptance. It is easier for some people to embrace than others. I had a hard time with it when I dabbled my toes in the water. I found it didn't fit my needs or desires. But I have many friends who practice it and it works well in their lives so more power to them. There is no wrong or right when it comes to consensual love. People will do what is best for them. Only you can make up your mind what works for you.

5

Love is never wrong. Lying is another story.

5

jeez, I'm flat out finding one person to love, let alone more than that! But I don't give a bugger what the rest of you do as long as all parties involved are on the same page. Honesty and integrity.

5

I know that it's possible to love more than one partner at a time, because I have. But one problem with that is, when you love somebody, you don't want to hurt them. And then loving someone else hurts them.

However, I see this as more a demonstration of the ownership of women mentality. A man feels threatened because he "owns" the woman. Like, my first ever boyfriend, after we broke up, I got pregnant, and he wanted to get back together. Then we tried that, but he couldn't get over me being pregnant by somebody else, because it was living proof that I had been sexually active with someone else. So in other words, I was no longer "his." Gross. So that was the end of that.

On the other hand, I raised my kids as a single mom, and can definitely see the benefits of raising kids together, and if I were to do it again, or if I were to pick a "preferred" way to do it, I would say, making a commitment with the father throughout the childhoods of the children would be something I'd like. I mean, not the particular father I had kids with, but could I go back and do it again.

On the OTHER hand, families come in all different combinations, and kids with parents who are good parents but not married can do perfectly fine.

So once again, I am no help to this. But one final thing. I do not ever plan to be in a committed relationship in my life, to the exclusion of other possibilities. Because I will do what I want, when I want, and who I want, without allowing anybody to claim ownership out of me. My kids are grown. People I spend time with, I enjoy when I'm with them. I don't care what they do when we're not together, and I don't expect them to care what I do.

5

And I think marriage should have a time limit, with no automatic renewal. I doubt that's legal anywhere though.

My late husband used to think that. he called it a marriage contract. you could take one out for 5 years 10 years and then at the end of that time make a decision if you want to renew. Not a bad idea if you ask me

I agreed to 5 year installments when I got married. I lasted through 1.5 marriage periods.

@AmelieMatisse A year and a day.

@AmelieMatisse oh I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to correct you, I was exuberantly sharing with you that I, too, knew this little tidbit of arcane knowledge. ?

5

All of your feelings are okay. We choose our actions and behaviors. I love the quote in "Moonstruck" when Loretta said:

"I may be drawn to you, but that doesn't mean I have to act on it. I can say 'yes' or 'no.'"

I will always love my former boyfriend, Dan, who is a friend. Will always have fondness for my ex-husband. Terry and I have known each other for 35 years.

People grow and change.

4

I think it's different for different people. I was monogamous by choice in two 16 year marriages. It was just the agreement we made with each other.And I was happy for most of those relationships.
Now that I've been divorced for a few years, I am dating quite a few women around the country. I have one that I truly love, but we don't live near each other. We are sexually free but emotionally committed to each other. The honesty is so powerful. I know that I have different loves for different people. I still love both my ex-wives, just don't live well together anymore.
I have to be honest with my partners. That's the only way that this works.
What I will want to do in the future, I can't tell you. I will probably decide when the situation arises.
I'm not jealous by nature. I don't get angry when I have fear of loss.

Have fun people.

4

The Bachelor does it every season! lol

ebdb Level 7 May 4, 2018
4

Is anyone in a relationship with a person that fulfills all your needs? I don't think a person should have to fulfill all your wants and desires. Also, why put all that pressure onto another person? My brain is wired to be Poly and I believe that when most people take an honest evaluation of the world they'll find they are too. Some people are selfish and want to stop biology and what I believe to be natural, some people aren't wired that way, but I think that has a lot to do with choice and social norms. Poly is normal.

Yes, i agree poly is normal look at most prime mate they are mostly poly and the community takes care of the offspring.

4

Monogamy is not natural behavior. It is forced behavior.
Very few species mate for life. When humans do it, it is a choice.
Religious dogma damages everything it touches.

4

There are tons of marriage and relationship models out there. Marriage and monogamy are not #1--or even appearing--in all cultures.

I've never understood why people feel like they have to live, behave, believe, dress, eat, etc. exclusively like the people around them, and simply cannot live, behave, believe, dress, eat, etc. like other people elsewhere in the world. Especially not since the invention of the printing press, steamships, and trains--not to mention cameras, telephones, airplanes, and the internet.

I mean, the "zero" was invented in India. Since I'm not Indian, does that mean I can't use it? No? Well, what's to stop me from adopting marriage customs of the Amazon, then?

4

Monogamy is a fairly recent concept. Our society tends to believe this is the only way.
I think as society accepts more and more concepts that used to be frowned upon or even forbidden, we will keep expanding and opening our minds further.
Do I think it is possible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a time? Yes.

3

We all should live our lives as we see fit. It's no ones business how many people are in a relationship. If it's one person, or 9 people, no one should dictate to anyone else what's right or wrong. How can love be wrong? It shouldn't even matter if the other people in that relationship are men or women. It's no ones business but the people involved.

Hear hear!

3

I had never loved two people the same way. Even my children are loved individually by me because each human being despite being alike is unique. My take.

3

Do what works for you and the people you're partnered with. I don't dictate what's right or wrong in relationships entered into by consenting adults, nor do I have any interest in anyone else evaluating mine.

3

I believe in loving one person romantically at a time. I don't share and that's simple. If I can't trust you to love me and only me in a romantic and intimate way, how can I trust you in General? If they come to feel that way after we are married, instant divorce.

3

I believe people should be able to choose whatever they are comfortable with: monogamy, polyamory, swinging, etc. And not get harassed for it.

3

It depends on how far one takes that "love". Some people have "open marriages/relationships" insofar as the physical aspects go. Some (myself) don't. It's up to the couple, both of them. My late partner loved to flirt. That actually made me feel special. We had an understanding and seeing all these guys who wanted her (but couldn't have her) was gratifying. For love to be truly deep it has to be focused! A comment she sometimes made to me was "If you ever step out on me, no matter how difficult I will leave you". I didn't understand that as I had been cheated on at my first marriage and she knew how I felt about never doing that to another. Finally, as she was dying I got it; it was about facing life with a sense of reason and even death did not take away that sense. I think reason can make life's problems much more bearable than emotions. One added, item. I still love some of my previous partners. That will not change but my focus will only be on the one that is present.

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