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What’s the thing you hate most about dating websites?

Modern dating is some tricky shit. When I get blown off with an obvious lie, inside I’m fuming “Just be honest, you fucker! Tell me you're not feeling the chemistry with me, or that you have a better connection with someone else.” I think totally acceptable to say this. Chemistry can't be manufactured, everyone knows/understands that. But don’t tell me you blew me off because you had a 5-day fever. Don’t use your kid or your ailing dog as an excuse. (Yes, stuff comes up with both, but it's pretty easy to tell when it's genuine and when it's a convenient excuse). Don’t tell me you can’t see me while an old friend is in town staying with you, but not to worry - she has a boyfriend.

I’m a lot of things, but I’m not an idiot, and for me that’s the hardest thing about modern dating. Telling the truth SEEMS hurtful, whereas telling a lie SEEMS to avoid hurting someone's feelings. But for me, it’s a lot more hurtful to be told lie after lie after lie. I'm pretty pretty sure this happens to men and women. Which do you prefer?

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Supercali 6 May 31
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5

I would probably have titled your post differently and said "What's The Thing You Hate Most About Online Dating?"

Seems your real issue is with the relative anonymity and ease with which someone can lie via the Internet. Your actual questions and your poll are more about whether it's better or "more kind" to lie in order to spare someone's feelings than to be straight with them. In world of dating, where you're (if you'll pardon the expression) "feeling each other out" and trying to forge a connection, find chemistry with each other, get to know one another, I think honesty is the best policy. It always is, really. So no, it's not "kinder" to lie to someone on a dating platform to spare their feelings. As you said, if it ain't workin' it ain't workin, and everyone should cut their losses and move on before someone gets in too deep and it's that much more painful. =]

I think I tried to combine too many things in 1 question, but I agree - my question pertains less to websites and more to the whole online dating experience. The lies I get told are mostly communicated via text and phone, so definitely more anonymous than face-to-face interaction

5

What I hate most about dating sites is that you don't know what you're getting. Many people do not know themselves or what they want. So if they don't know, how do I know what the hell they want? I am so concerned that I represent myself honestly on a dating website. I know exactly what I want and I put that on there, scars and all. And then I meet with someone who is supposed to be compatible and they aren't compatible even a little bit. I don't think they are lying, I think they really do not know who they are.

Totally agree - people don't know who they are. As much as I don't find online dating particularly productive, it has definitely helped me learn about myself

4

Honesty. Fuck everything else.

succinct and awesome!

4

I've been giving POF and Tinder a try the last two weeks. From the people I've talked to, men and women have vastly different experiences. For my age group at least, the women I've talked to say they have constant messeges asking for sex or friends with benefits or d*ck pics, etc. I've had a pleasant experience so far. Women are more civil, but i can tell from conversations extremely cautious as well, which is understandable and smart. The biggest problem i think is how online dating has made dating just a bit too CASUAL. When i have to tell you what my name is or what i do for a living after you've asked me 3 times because you confuse me with 10 other guys you're talking to then you've lost my interest.

Proto Level 6 May 31, 2018

@Proto Well said! Yes, if guys are only looking for sex/hook-ups, they'll usually find a way to work it into conversation sooner rather than later. But those guys are easy to just ignore. It's the sneaky subtle ones that make me most cautious - they don't send the dick pix until after I've vetted them enough to give them my phone #.

Yeah, I feel ya on the casualness. That's happened to me too.

3

Here's another one - if the first line on my profile is "I'm here to date locals", please don't contact me when you live 500 miles away. And don't say "distance isn't a problem for me" - honey, IDGAF, it IS a problem for me, which I clearly stated on my profile. I assume most guys deliberately seeking a long distance relationship are looking to cheat on whoever they live with, and I don't want to play that.

3

Wow. Reading all of your comments just confirms why I have never been on any of the sites except this one, for all of the reasons described. It is so challenging to wade thru all of the.......stuff..... that lends itself to extreme vetting & all of the....stuff....one has to endure in that process. Whew!

you dodged a shitstorm of bullets (pardon my language)

3

That few women contact me, and I'm not exactly chopped liver!!!

I've noticed that in general, guys don't like to be contacted and don't like to be asked out, so I think lots of women wait to be contacted. Something to do with the "hunt"?

@Supercali I always assumed that was a problem with guys that have self-esteem issues. I don't see why a guy that's stable would have problems with a woman that knew what she wanted and went after it - confidence is super sexy!

@Supercali I don't know about the rest, but I LOVE being contacted first, but as with any woman, I want the person to be along the lines of the one I'm looking for. I get Bible-thumpers, Conservatives, cat-ladies, and others I can't get wild about. But I always respond to nice emails with same. Always.

3

I hate the games - they message you, you reply, they answer you 3 days later as if there was no time lapse. They immediately want sex and can't understand why you don't. They immediately want you to call them so they can text you 24/7 for the rest of your life. They agree to meet you for coffee, get cold feet and come up with convoluted tales about how their cousin's mother's hamster is sick and they have to go comfort their family.

And the blank profiles. "If you want to know something, just ask". Ok, why would anybody be interested in dating someone so lazy and boring? No effort, no interest!

Good point! I consider blank profiles lazy at best and secretive at worst, and just ignore them. I don't mind the 3 days - people are busy, and I myself sometimes have to process the questions or content for a bit before I can respond. But really hate to give out my phone number, as it usually results in getting text-bombed.

@Supercali I disagree about the "people are busy" thing - if he takes the effort to contact me to begin with, doesn't check back to see my response, then he's just wasted both our time for nothing. I just had another one of these and I'm really tired of people initiating contact who actually don't really want it. Its such a game that nobody wins.

(Nowhere man - the Beatles)

3

People don't lie because they're trying to be kind, they lie because they're chicken shits.

3

Life’s too short to waste time lying to someone. Worse if you’re lying to yourself.

Marz Level 7 May 31, 2018
3

I always tried to tell the truth, and would personally rather hear the truth

3

Rudeness is a big issue for me on dating sites. I've had more than one guy tell me I was ugly, even when I was thin, and I even had one guy stand me up and when I asked for an explanation he said he showed up but he hadn't realized that I was "really ugly". I was still quite thin back then and looked exactly like my pix on the site. And then there are those who get mad and say shit because I make it clear that I do not believe in god and I will not date anyone who does.

I'm really shocked that guys would say that to you! I guess anonymity gave them a sense of fake courage? But that said, I've been rude b4 - for example, one guy's 1st message to me was "care to get to know each other?" I told him no, that because of the absolute minimum effort he'd invested in the note (no reason for reaching out, not even a "hi, I'm Brad" ), I could tell we would be incompatible. Boy, he had something to say then.

@Supercali I've been called ugly my whole life so it never surprises me to be called ugly. It still hurts but it's not surprising. People are horrible.

this is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry!

2

Dating hasn't changed. It is and always has been awkward, difficult, and confusing, and those are the easy parts! ☺

2

Words are not enough to develop trust with someone new on-line. I know who I am and understand that it is hard for people to creating a trusting relationship with all of the Fakes out there. I can say how honest and sincere I am and it still will not be enough for many people. I just hope that someone will give me enough time to find out more about me and allow me to learn about them as well.

As they say, talk is cheap. One needs to breathe the same air with another for a few minutes to find out if they really can trust them.

2

I don't know, have never dated a website.

2

Had a woman post pictures from 20 years and 30 pounds ago. I waited patiently for the date to be over. The next day she calls to ask if we're going out again. I told her no, I just wasnt feeling it. I should have told her she posted bogus pictures but I didn't want to be mean. There's more to the story but she called me back 3 hours later and asked if there was another factor, and again I should have told her about the pictures but i didnt want to hurt her feelings. If I'm not interested and they ask I may tell them I've met someone else and have to see where it goes. I just try not to be mean. So it depends. If they break Rule #1 and ask during the first date if we're going out again, I told one the truth and then she gave me 5 reasons why she was the best woman in the world. I told her it's not something you can talk someone into and she said I was an asshole and stormed out. So you can see why the truth hurts some people, that's why it depends.

lerlo Level 8 May 31, 2018

@lerlo I guess I didn't realize until this post that people will actually argue with you about what you're feeling or why you're wrong...that's so foreign to me. If someone tells me they're not feeling it, I thank them for their honesty and I really mean it, even if it hurts a little bit. In that case, yes, I would probably also choose the path of least resistance.

2

Two things: One, I rarely find anyone within a 100 miles of me that I share interest with. Two, most 'dating sites' are full of fake profiles, or people trying to scam you. It's happened to me so much that when I do get to talk to someone new online, my first response is to wonder if they are a real person.

@DerekD ugg, that sucks. I'm sorry. How often are the profiles fake? And what's the end game of a scammer/fake profile? Money? A green card?

Limited dating pool was an issue for me when I lived on an island, and online dating helped zero %

@Supercali Some are all about money, actually, in my experience they are all about money. However, I have met some who were about the greencard.

@Supercali Just a few months ago, I was talking to a lovely young lady. She had a one year old, and was 'supposedly' a friend of a friend. Turned out that she got the name of the mutual friend off Facebook, and after a month of chatting, she needed help to keep her phone/web connection. She wouldn't let me pay it for her - she asked for an iTunes Gift Card that she could 'trade' with her uncle for the money she needed.

There have been sites that I've been on over the years where I'll get 'tons' of messages, but can't see them until I am a paying member. As soon as you pay, all those messages turn out to be either from closed accounts, or russian models who don't respond.

Lonely people are so often targeted - for money, favors, etc... and as a single man, that's all I seem to ever meet. (That, and people that are awesome, but live too far away for me to ever hope to meet in real life).

2

The “other” that I’m referring to through my experiences is that too many are “fake” profiles. They are just trying to separate you form your money. The “other” I hate is “ghosting”, where you start chatting with someone and then they are just gone. Similar to your issue in the post

Haven't had an overwhelming # of guys approach me from the $ angle, but my guy friends say it's very common for them and online dating. I'm not a fan of ghosting, but at least if a guy ghosts me, I know he's definitely not interested. So I guess I prefer it to excuses, lies, and breadcrumbing.

2

Its the scatter-gun approach you have to do just to get a response. Let alone a date. Most dating sites don't have an open forum like this. So its a question of pics, a minimal profile and endless msgs with the same returns as a mail shot. This would be a great site if it had more UK women on it.

Agreed - this has been much less of an issue on Agnostic, and I think the open discussions help

2

I have never dated a website. (snark)

2

What do I hate about dating websites?...

MISOGYNY... Every now and then a profile would pop up on sites like Plenty of Fish or OKCupid complete with photos of women bound, gagged and dehumanised. I could feel the hate. I reported the profiles but they kept reappearing. The last straw on POF was the profile of a young professional man who had photos of women tied to chairs, their hair being pulled or with gags in their mouth. There were also images of 'score cards' used for rating women's sexual performance. I deleted my POF account.

On OKCupid the last straw was a man's profile whose photos included images of real women who had been murdered. I flagged the profile and shut my account down there and then. I realise some men hate women, but I didn't need to see it. Those encounters pushed me into a depression which lasted months.

SCAMMERS... Tiresome and becoming increasingly sophisticated.

VISA HUNTERS... Like scammers, but I feel sorry for them. They're trying to escape poverty for a better life. But they're not interested in me.

FAKE PROFILES... Another waste of time.

MARRIED OR ATTACHED MEN... Demoralising. Some people have no conscience about lying. This made me feel jaded about the whole human race.

CRAPPY ALGORITHMS... Sites that don't match by your preferred age range and interests/hobbies etc.

MONEY... Sites that say they're free - but they're not.

DISTANCE... The problem of distance when people live too far away.

ABUSIVE MEN... I quickly realised to turn a man down, even in the most polite way possible was to invite vicious verbal abuse. I developed strategies for turning men down in such a way as to not invoke their wrath. The dating game felt like walking on egg shells.

DEHUMANISATION... I've received introductory messages varying from: "will you piss in your knickers for me, for cash?" to "can you sit on my face?" to "how much do you charge for an hour of unprotected sex?".

Things have gotten worse over the last ten years. How the future will pan out, I don't know.

1

On those occasions when I've used a dating site it has to be the blow offs. I read the profile, get some idea who this woman is, craft a personalized message that opens up a conversation, put forth a actual effort then...nothing.

Makes me want to send a "fuck you" follow-up.

But I don't. I'm not an asshole.

But I want to.

1

About a year after my late husband died I did the one month free deal at eharmony and match.com. Within hours I was swamped with messages from scammers. Something about "older widowed female" equates to 'money to be stolen'. Unfortunately for the scammers, I am not that stupid, naive or lonely. What I am is a bit of a cynic with a twisted sense of humor. So, when someone using a fake picture, proclaims that god has sent them to me.. it sends me into fits of laughter. As a result, I quickly dropped out of the online dating pool. But, I did join a FB anti-scammer group. I was surprised to find that when sweet talk didn't work, some scammers were threatening older women to get money from them. Eventually, after seeing how many folks over 50 were falling for fakes, I ended up moderating, and being an admin, on two 50 plus dating groups; my main job is spotting and deleting scammers. And yes I have been threatened, but I don't threaten easily. Sadly, I have found that I have little in common with most of the members (not religious and not right wing) of the two groups. My late husband used to joke that if we hadn't found each other we would both have ended up as hermits living in a cave somewhere. The older I get the more I think he may have been right.

RoeRoberts, It's a pity to have all these scammers all over, but if you lend me $1000 I'll send you my photo, I am a loving person, very good looking just like Fabio, faithful, naive, no experience, lonely, looking for sincere love! ?

1

I've never had many problems with people lying on dating sites. People would have to talk to me before they could lie!

To be fair - I'm a nerdy/geeky gamer atheist guy living in football jesus land. Nobody likes my profile and everyone else's profile looks damn near the same to me. It's aggravating

1

I've used sites and had little problem. I think it's because sites like Match.com offer a number of options for input including the main narrative. This input is much like a resume, and by profession I've been an executive and both looked for jobs and hired people so. So I know how to read a resume. I specifically look for a high level of intellect, and this is easy to discern. So well-written, at a high level, rarely if ever will there be a problem. This is why sites like Tinder, other than if you are looking for a quick hook up, are of little use.

Unfortunately, not all highly intelligent women can afford to pay for sites like Match.com

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