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Are you cheating if you are open to your partner about your other relationship(s)?

It may be semantics, but I'm curious as to what everyone's position is on what cheating means to you.

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By MollyBell7
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38 comments

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14

As others have stated, cheating is breaking agreements within a relationship. If you agree to be monogamous and then pursue relationships outside of the one you're currently in, that's cheating. However, it's not cheating if you've both agreed that seeing other people is fine. Different folks have different levels of comfort when it comes to romantic endeavors which is why communication is key to avoiding any misunderstandings.

Mea Level 7 June 1, 2018

If you lie the relationship may just die. smile001.gif

13

Cheating is when you don't tell, and lead your mate to believe you are being true. Being open and honest allows your mate to decide whether to accept the behavior or leave. Being dishonest takes away that choice and leaves the mate feeling duped and laughed at for their naivety.

Julie808 Level 7 June 1, 2018
11

All sorts of descriptions, but from my viewpoint, cheating is when you lie, regardless of what you are doing, when you have to lie, you have cheated....

And why is the assumption that "cheating," has to do with sex ? There is any number of ways you can cheat on someone....and it comes back to the "LIE."

11

Cheating is in the eye of the person being cheated on. If they know about it and condone it, it's not cheating.

lerlo Level 8 June 1, 2018
10

Cheating is about breaknng agreements. If you both agreed to be monogamous, then it is cheating. If you you have agreed otherwise it's not. There are many ways to cheat depending on what agreements are understood between the people involved.

Roadster Level 6 June 1, 2018

Exactly what he said.

8

Don't promise fidelity, if you cannot be faithful. Don't promise honesty if you cannot tell the truth.
Period.
Any attempt at qualifying or explaining is nothing but justification for being a lying asshole. It's not that hard.

KKGator Level 9 June 1, 2018

Well that's a rather strong opinion.

I won't stay in a relationship that isn't working out, and I'm always honest. I haven't honored every commitment I've ever made, neither have my partners, but I don't know that it makes us all assholes; situations change, especially over the years.

I also don't care what people think about me, I suppose. I'll take care of myself, as a self-imposed requirement. If that makes me selfish, so be it. I will opt for being selfish and happy, rather than not selfish and miserable. It's best for me AND my partner, because if I'm miserable, I guarantee my partner will be, too.

@MollyBell Do what ya gotta do. Btw, my opinions usually are strong, and sometimes, considered harsh.
I don't care what people think of me either. I don't sugar-coat anything for anyone. I also don't care if anyone agrees with me.

@KKGator Nice. I'm not worried about it either.

8

If you are honest and not manipulating anyone, then there's nothing to worry about. That's the thing: be honest and make sure people genuinely are ok and comfortable with what is happening (people being your partners).

8

Open relationships have to be agreed upon by both parties, with clear boundaries established in advance.

As long as both agree and are participating, there's no cheating involved.

I never forgot an architect/photographer in Lexington, KY, who said he had divorced his wife for cheating on him, remarking, "If she'd told me she wanted an open relationship, it would have been fine, but she did it behind my back, and that betrayed my trust in her."

Later on, he gave me this speech;
"It's been years since I've been with a woman, or found someone interesting enough to want to be with the rest of my life, but you seem to be that person. We can just be dance partners, be friends with benefits, have an open relationship, or have a monogamous one, whatever you want."

I was floored and nearly cried..I'd never heard anything so wonderful in my life. I opted for monogamous friends with benefits, and we got together most weekends to dance the night away and more.

7

It would entirely depend on the dynamics of the relationship. If one feels it's cheating, it's probably time to move on.

mt49er Level 7 June 1, 2018
7

If everyone is open and upfront about their relationships, the answer is no.

I've been in several open relationships where the man had someone on the side without telling me. When you betray your partner's trust it doesn't matter what the status of your relationship is (open or closed); it's still cheating. What I fail to understand is why would they lie about something when they don't have to? Makes the betrayal worse if you ask me.

kiramea Level 7 June 1, 2018

Well said!

7

If you're open about it -- and AGREE it's okay -- it's not cheating. Sounds like a form of polyamory to me.

BlueWave Level 8 June 1, 2018
7

I would consider it cheating whether I was told about it or not. Unless you tell your partner from the get go, "Hey, don't expect monogamy from me," it's a selfish and very mean thing to do. It's playing games with another person's head.

Hermit Level 7 June 1, 2018

It may signify the end of a relationship, but I don't agree that it's playing games or a mean thing. Selfish, maybe, but I don't necessarily consider that a bad thing; depends on the situation. It's one reason I refuse to be in a non-open relationship.

I was just answering the question you asked. If I believed I was in a committed relationship with someone I cared about and who I believed cared about me, finding out that they were sharing their feelings with another person would upset me whether I was told by that person or found out through another source.

@Hermit lol I was just responding to you. ? Thank you for answering.

7

To me, cheating is breaking trust.

7

That's between the partners. If the other honestly does not care then no, but if they do then it will be cheating in their head.
To me, in my relationship, it would be cheating. If I knew or was told about it, I would be gone...

7

That sounds more like an open relationship to me...

slydr68 Level 8 June 1, 2018
6

I didn't vote because this isn't quite black and quite as you have set it up. As others have said, I think just being honest about an external relationship doesn't make it NOT cheating. If they disapprove, it's still cheating, just not lying and cheating.

IAMGROOT Level 7 June 1, 2018
6

If you in an exclusive relationship with someone then, Yes, you would an honest cheater. If you are not in an exclusive relationship then, No, I would say you are not cheating.

6

If the relationship is open then it isn't cheating. Cheating is when you promise a commitment to a monogamous relationship (or some other limitations) and you break it. People who cheat will often keep secrets and lie about cheating. So it all boils down to taking advantage of a person's trust and breaking it. If they are open from the start about their other relationships, it's not cheating, but if you're with them for a year and they admit to having another relationship when you've been under the impression that the relationship was monogamous, that's cheating.

5

Depends. If your open and they don't agree to your other relationship, you're cheating. An open relationship has to be by mutual decision.

PhoebeCat Level 7 June 1, 2018
5

I'm not sure of the definition of "partner" if you're having other relationships. If you aren't exclusive, I don't know how there's cheating. Could be more about rubbing someone's face in the fact that they're not the only one.

Agree with you on that.

5

The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

IAS1 Level 5 June 1, 2018
5

You are polling us.... what is cheating to you?

That's a good question. smile001.gif

I voted no. ?

@MollyBell I didn't voted, do that certify me as a cheater or I still need to confess?

@GipsyOfNewSpain Somehow I think you may already have. ?

@MollyBell phew, that was a close one! But all you needed to do was ask my ex wife. She will tell you I wrote more beautiful things to my lovers than to her. That she couldn't stand. But I never had a mistress! So it was easy to call her bluff. She is working on marriage nr 3. I continue writing to women without any fear.

4

If your partner knows and is okay with it, I don't think it's cheating.

19dacar52 Level 7 June 1, 2018
4

I think cheating is a matter of betrayal of trust.

You have a relationship that both parties knew was open, and both parties are happy to be open, then tell then the truth and you're not cheating - but honesty means nothing if your parner is expecting monogamy.

It's just like saying 'do I stop being a thief if I'm honest about the fact that I steal?'

It's betrayal of reasonable expectation that makes you a cheat - not whether you 'come clean'.

ToakReon Level 7 June 1, 2018

I find it interesting that cheat, in this context, only applies to fidelity. People don't keep all their commitments, and that includes everyone on the planet, but I'm certain every single person doesn't consider themselves a cheat.

4

Unless your partner approves of an open relationship then anything that violates the relationship is cheating. I think too often no one discusses it, we each have our idea of what the relationship is and we feel violated because we are following the rules we think are in place while our partner is operating under a different set of rules.

I agree, and the rules should be laid out at the onset of a relationship. Each relationship takes its own course, but I cannot stand jealousy in any form. Sure, she is going to deal with men, I am going to deal with women. It is great to window shop, as long as you know where to buy the goods.

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