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I really hate being a member of this group.

My wife, Kathy, died July 1, 2017. We'd been together for 36 years and I wanted nothing more than to get old together. That can never happen and it just makes me so angry. Ironically I joined this site to seek a like-minded partner, an act that is fundamentally optimistic. But right now I'm back to being, shall we say, grief-focused. I find it so weird that I'm hopeful one minute, and crying the next.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent. I read a few of the earlier threads and know I'm not the first to do so. I hope to hopeful again soon.

leea 3 Dec 30
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15 comments

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0

Maybe we can double date ? 2 nice guys energized by 2 Feminist Atheist women who love our songs and are tickled by our beards ? A sweet movie theatre that we can lick their salty tear or treasure that ahhh moment kittens purr and love melts a pat of butter on morning toast

3

Thank you all. This is truly the place to find understanding. I wish I could say your comments have given me some new perspective or inspiration, but you know, after obsessing so constantly and for so long over death and its aftermath, there really isn't much new to be said. Nonetheless, it needs to be said. And yesterday I needed to hear it. I do feel better today… Thank you.

leea Level 3 Dec 31, 2018
3

Understand not wanting to be a member of this group. Just do what feels right to you. I have not gotten to the hopeful part yet and might not ever. In two weeks it will be a yr . Talk to us we all get where you are coming from.It is the hardest thing ever.

Gypsy494 Level 7 Dec 30, 2018
3

It's a group that those of us in long marriages, or short ones, never thought we would be a part of. Things like this only happen to other people.

freeofgod Level 8 Dec 30, 2018
2

I too am on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute feeling optimistic about what's ahead and the next minute I'm getting teary over reading an email from a new online friend who is encouraging me to ask friends for help as they might not know how to reach out to me. This same friend asked me to tell him about myself. I drew a complete blank as there is so little "me" compared "us".

JGal Level 7 Dec 30, 2018

Hold yourself dear and choose your path forward on your own schedule not obliged to anyone else

Hope you have top pain pills ready

2

Most comments are from people who have lost within the last 2 years. I'm a 6-year survivor of the loss of a wonderful lover and companion of 38 years. My friends kept me as busy as possible and that's definitely softened the blow. Please accept the kindness of invitations to events and activities that your friend's offer. I know sometimes that's very hard but believe me it makes a tremendous difference to stay active. I still cry occasionally even after 6 years but those times are fewer and farther apart as time goes by. I know my husband would want me to be as happy as possible, that's what real love is all about.

Lorajay Level 8 Dec 30, 2018

Yeah it's nice to be invited but if it's to the same place you two had been at, it's OK to pass and do something else

2

Vent away any time. I lost my husband June 22, 2018, so this is all new to me. I made it through the holidays but it was hard as hell. Pretty much just kept to myself with the exception of going to my youngest son's place for Xmas eve dinner. From what I'm learning in my grief recovery group, grief is different for every person. I have a girlfriend who lost her husband August 4th, 2018, and she's already out and about, dancing and traveling with friends. Some people can move forward much faster than others. I have joined a few other groups here to keep my mind on things other than missing Richard. Perhaps you could do that as well? I am so sorry for your loss of your partner. 36 years is such a long time to be with one person. Keep looking for your "like-minded partner" and enjoy life. It's all we have.

Your girlfriend may not be OK so busy not dealing with the hole in our guts love ripped out by death. ...if she is OK more power to her

@Canyonlori Oh I know. She is a much more extroverted person than I am, and she is simply moving on with her life in the way that makes sense to her. I don't judge her at all.

2

Grief is a real MFer. I recently passed the one year mark. Sometimes I catch myself feeling okay, then immediately start crying. I think I’m ready for a new relationship, but then sometimes I’m not. Just take care of yourself, do things you enjoy.

2

My advice is just focus on yourself for now...be selfish, be indulgent, cry if you have to, to keep it inside is harmful, crying is a safety valve. You are going through a grieving process, you will have good days and bad, and you will feel guilt and anger because you are here and she has gone, this is all a natural part of the process and the price we pay for loving and being close to someone for a long time. Try to turn that grief into positivity....think only of the wonderful times you had and how lucky you were to have her for so long in your life. When the time is right you may find another partner to share your life with if that is what you wish, but in the meantime just be kind to yourself, allow yourself little indulgences, get out and socialise if you can, draw strength from friends and family. When you are alone try to keep your mind occupied as maudlin thoughts can occupy our minds otherwise. Lastly, I will just say that if you don’t keep the continual grieving going, by thinking constantly about how things might have been, but move on to do new things which hold no memories of your late wife, eventually you will find peace and contentment again. I have been widowed for over eight years and have adjusted to living without my husband now and I lead a very full and happy life on my own....time is a great healer.

3

it takes time and its journey with many hills and valleys.

2

My
Teri died
March 15 Last year. ...all our plans cremated up in smoke

1

Yes hate is normal resentful is normal life is so unfair. ...look how long that murderous gangster daddy Bush lived. ...beautiful bride of yours life giver of joy cut short. ...another reason to piss on believers' do nothing worthless neglectful alleged gawd. ...can't save innocents and lets evil dogs be praised over 90 years

3

How do you go on when you have lost someone so intertwined with your life? My husband of 35 years died of liver disease from chronic hepatitis. The pain of seeing him slowly succumb to his illness is not something I would want to go through again. I would not want to put someone else through it when I go. I seem to feel that I would always be comparing anyone else to George. That would not be fair to anyone. We have to go on. I tried to think of the last time I cried. I could not remember. It will be 4 years in March. I miss him so much. Have I really stopped crying for him? Your pain is fresh, raw. I know where you are. I was there. I am still lost & I no longer make plans for my future too much. One day at a time.

Della Level 6 Dec 30, 2018
4

I understand. It's been a rough time. Everything changes. It's a feeling, to me, of being off balance and out of focus. And totally lost.

freeofgod Level 8 Dec 30, 2018
6

We share a similar history. I decided I didn't want to be alone and went looking for a partner. You can do it too. There are a lot of really nice women "out there". It's just a question of connecting with one. And the right one won't mind your grief if you have more to offer than just that. All people of a certain age come with baggage. I would never trust someone who didn't.

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