I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. Having lost both a son and my husband I empathize. Though the grief is very much the same it is also so very different. Wishing you some kind of peace.

Have you considered short term therapy? That's something truly horrific to be dealing with.

I realize you have friends - but it could help you get through.

Hugs.

I am so very sorry for your loss. There are several of us here who have lost both spouses and children, including myself. You are far from alone.

It is strange the different demands authorities put on you, depending on circumstance. My son dropped dead at work, and there was an autopsy ordered because they wanted to rule out drug overdose or foul play but I was not obliged to testify simply because it wasn't me who discovered him, it happened essentially in public. I am sorry the wound has to be reopened because of happenstance.

My son was not a direct suicide but perished indirectly due to self-neglect. He was depressed and concealing the extent of it from us and had on some level given up on life, so although we were spared the stigma and pain of an outright suicide, I still know he was suffering in that way, and for feeling he had failed in life and failed us.

So at least to an extent I understand the second-guessing of yourself as a parent that may be going on. You are also correct that the untimeliness of death adds to the pain of the bereavement. My son was 30, and so his life was cut very short. Please continue to be patient with and kind to yourself, and to take no more responsibility than was actually yours. Your son was an adult, with adult responsibilities. You did the best you could through the years without the benefit of a crystal ball and with the insufficient light you had at the time -- and, after he was an adult, within the constraints of how much you could intervene anymore. That is no guarantee against unwanted outcomes. Sometimes as a parent, you walk on water and it's not enough to save them from their existential perils.

I am almost 30 months out now and it still hurts and it always will, but I have been able to integrate and accept it as a fact of my existence. I have a new wife, a surviving child, 4 grandchildren and two stepchildren and I have worked hard to focus on what I have there rather than on what I don't. They are my lifeline. It's healing to be present for others, and to embrace them even though that, too, is exposing yourself to potential loss. That's the two-sided coin called love.

Strength to you, and peace.

Words will always be inadequate when someone is gutted by the loss of a loved one, yet we, this group, want to try and comfort you in a way that let's you know from our hearts how very sorry we are for this terrible loss. I'm grateful you had the time you did with your precious son. Please know that you have my love and sympathy from across the pond.

I wish I had the correct words to give you comfort and I can see why this has thrown you. We are here to listen I am so sorry .

The unexpected death of my mother 25 years ago hit me much harder than my husband's inevitable death from cancer last year. My grieving of my husband began on the day he got his diagnosis. There was no such transition for my mother. I'm sorry you are experiencing your pain from such a terrible loss.

{{{{{Marionville}}}}}