Agnostic.com

27 8

I will never understand people who are 'polyamorous' or 'ethically non-monogamous'... Why even be in a relationship with someone if you aren't happy with them and need to have other people brought in on the side...?? Really?? Call me old fashioned, but I would rather be single than be with someone who felt l wasn't enough for them and they had to bed someone else....gives me the creeps.?

Free_2B_Me 7 June 22

Post a comment Reply Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

27 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

9

You assume polyamorous people are not happy and are missing something...that is so not the case for many...it is more about having more and being happier. Each relationship is unique and offers something different and something the same. No one person can be everything...the pressure makes the relationship strained...so, while the primary relationship, say the one you are married to, is the one that gives you societal credibility, being able to function at work, in the community, with family, etc., the others might offer some other kind of function. Granted, many times it is sexual...but not always...sometimes you have a very deep intellectual connection, sapioamorous...you really don't need to understand...it is not for you and you have already determined that just as those of us who are polyamourous have decided what works for us. I hope you find what makes you happy...thanks for sharing...we can all get along even if we don't get it...lol

Thank you for sharing in such a positive light! While l will never view it the same and it will still creep me out (not the people, just the situation itself), l have zero malice toward people who choose to live differently. I wouldn't have even said anything if it weren't being presented to me so much lately (by men on dating sites).

@Free_2B_Me I hear you...many on the sites are not truly polyamourous...they just want to get in your pants and use that as an excuse, or whatever...you should be cautious and just stick to what you feel comfortable with and listen to your own heart and instincts...and, always keep an open mind...we all change and grow...and that is indeed a positive thing!

@irascible just trying to be as honest I can about something that a lot of people can't understand...maybe they will get a tiny more information, but the bottom line is...we can all be what we are and the world is not going to stop...

8

At its heart polyamory is recognizing that no one person can be "everything" to someone else. Jealousy is treated as a passing malady and there seems to be a lot of openness and communication. How many good relationships have been destroyed by one partner falling for someone else? How much better is it to recognize that that's a fact of life and make a bigger table instead of throwing out the old in favor of the new? IMO love should not be about owning someone and monogamy and the jealous mate guarding that adds is an extra, unnecessary stressor to relationships.
I'm not in a poly relationship, though I've been in one that fits that description ages ago but some of the strongest marriages I know are poly.

7

My understanding of such an arrangement is that it isn't about anyone not being enough. It's about wanting to involve someone else to share in that pool. There is a big difference between "some on the side" and having an actual poly relationship. In the most successful arrangements, randoms are not usually part of the deal. Both partners have a say in the third party and as long as that third party is part of the circle, no one else can be for health and safety reasons. No one is interested in spreading around disease, just adding someone to the love. It isn't for everyone, certainly not for me, and some stretch this to outrages dimensions but to each their own. It's their life, their sex and their arrangement which really doesn't affect me in my life at all so no skin off my nose.

AmyLF Level 7 June 23, 2018

I didn't say l didn't know what poly meant....l said l didn't understand people who are that way. I know it's not random and all agreed upon...that's the weirdest part to me...they are all agreeing to it.

@Free_2B_Me Ah, well... some people really do just like to share the love in a larger circle. Different strokes and all that.

5

Your understanding of polyamory is very much inaccurate. So you are right; you will never understand people who are poly. And, where does it say that we have to be monogamous, exactly? Whether people want to follow the path of polyamory or monogamy, it's none of my business.

I never gave an explanation of what poly is, so how do you know what my understanding of it is? And if it's none of your business, why the need to chime in...???

@Free_2B_Me By what you wrote in your original post you indicated your thoughts on the poly lifestyle. You did say something about people not happy with who they’re with and have to bring in others on the side. That is not what poly is about. It’s true I don’t care whether someone is poly or mono or chooses neither. I do care if something is misunderstood or misinterpreted. Obviously you only want support for what you believe about poly people. Gladly I will leave you to whatever it is you believe. Same as I would with religious people

@graceylou You have made assumptions of me (as have others) based on one comment. The fact remains that the poly lifestyle will never appeal to me. Period. No amount of explaining and telling me what l do or don't know is going to change that. I am baffled by how many have used this thread as a platform to push their opinions onto me. Last time l checked, l am free to believe (and feel) however l choose.

5

Sometimes you never know what you might fall into, without trying. I conducted a commitment ceremony for a triad earlier this year. I met with all 3 of them prior to the ceremony, so I could understand more fully their relationship and how it came to be so that I could create the appropriate wording for the script.

I learned that they were a husband and wife of 12 years, happily married, extremely religious, both working at a Christian school. After the wife's mother died, she became close with a co-worker who's mother also had recently died. In the process of comforting each other, they became closer in a whole new way they never imagined. In turmoil over the situation, the wife told the husband what had happened, and of course he was terribly hurt and jealous. The wife didn't want to leave her husband, but also didn't want to give up the new love she had found with her female co-worker.

Long story short, the co-worker came to live with the family, the kids call her "aunty" and over time, the couple became a triad, with the husband also falling in love with the co-worker and those feelings were returned. Being a happy triad, yet all three so very religious, they felt they needed to have a formal commitment ceremony with vows, white dresses, a suit and the whole shebang. Not surprisingly, all three of their vows to each other contained biblical references to polygamous relations. Interesting that they chose me (a humanistic minister) to solemnize their commitment.

I didn't know what to expect until I met with them and heard their story, saw for myself the joy they give each other, equally and without jealousy. This is a relationship that worked for them. I had no problem assisting them make formal commitments to each other. They were too embarrassed to bring their situation to their minister, so had sought me out as I appeared to be open minded, understanding that love is love.

I'm sure there are many stories, each different how and why a polyamorous relationship ends up being right and satisfying for the partners, even though they may not have originally been seeking one. In some cases, maybe people have simply adapted to a situation the best they can, maybe more honestly and maturely than jealousy and divorce.

I'll say it again....l don't care what other people do....but none of these situations (no matter the detail or situations involved) will ever be in alignment with who l am and what l desire in my life/relationships.

5

It's the consumerism of capitalism extended into relationships. "We have to buy everything" becomes "We have to try everyone..."

5

Totally agree.....
Hell, I can hardly keep up with one!
😉

5

I agree,these people are not normal and have commitment issues

4

Romantic involvement is pretty much like everything else in life. Everyone is different. Some people are built for monogomy. Some are not.

My parents were married for over 60 years and to my knowledge neither ever strayed. They were perfectly happy as a monogomous couple.

I'm not a monogomous person, and I do not choose to pursue romantic and sexual relationships with those who are for that very reason. Too much of a gap in expectations.

I'm guessing that some folks would consider me to be a bit of a male slut, and that's ok. I've had my share of lovers, and I consider myself fortunate to have had every single one of them in my life. Most I still talk to and all of them I still consider friends. Some went on to eventually get married. Some are still out there having fun. All brought companionship and pleasure in to my life for the time we were together. I will always hold a special place in my heart which belongs to no one else for each and every one of them.

Thank you for sharing your story. (And for not taking a defensive stance while doing so.) Everyone has to live their lives for what suits them and based on life experiences, demographics, etc. we all view the world through a different lens.

4

I am with you. And no you are not old fashioned, not in my book.

4

It's also a substitute for community ties. Sexual narcissism replaces the couple building a community with other couples, singles, and families on issues other than sex. Again, a symptom of capitalist society in decline.

3

It's not really necessary to understand it. I was approached by a poly woman on one of the dating sites, and after a couple of messages necessary for me to grasp the concept (I'd never heard of it before) I let her know that type of arrangement did not interest me.

I didn't say l needed to understand it. I simply said that l never will. Everyone is different. But polys can't expect me to accept it (through explaining it to death) anymore than religious zealots can expect me to believe/understand them for their belief through preaching me to death!

3

I totally agree I don't understand that concept either.

3

To me being polyamorous is not so different to being gay. It's not my scene, but whatever floats your boat. Nothing to see, move on.

Gareth Level 7 June 23, 2018

Exactly. I will never understand being gay either...but l am also never approached by gays/lesbians because they can tell l am straight...apparently polys/swingers/etc. can't tell l'm not interested in that because l get offers all the time!

3

I can't criticise them, but I think they have something missing, an inability to feel romantically about someone.

The ancient Greek philosophers talked about the base human drive to find a soul mate or our other half. It's trying to make the most of experiencing our brief moment in the universe. Since the universe has no meaning, the only thing left is sharing the journey.

Most of the polys I've encountered have been men seeking extra women. Some of the poly women I've chatted with have proclaimed satisfaction with the arrangement. Yet... Often they are constantly searching for new people. New playmates. New sex partners. New lovers. Always searching...

That speaks to me of a profound dissatisfaction. Perhaps this dissatisfaction is borne of an absence of intimacy or romantic connection, but they don't realise it.

I can only summise that this is because they are either aromantic and/or narcissistic. Their narcissistic constructed self can never allow for a meaningful connection. It serves as a wall.

So the emptiness is their driver to constantly seek new people.

Thank you for sharing in such a neutral tone. It appears l've hit a hot button for some (simply by stating my own dislike over something), so good to see some more even keel/objective feedback!

Great analysis. The emptyness comes from the superficiality of a capitalist society based on consumerism rather than deep human connections.

3

I feel the same way about 3 ways (it's basically the same thing to me)...just doesn't register with me...it just seems like a whole lotta 'distraction'...and lacks true connection. (But of course, not everyone seeks true connection...l can only speak for myself!?)

Do you know anybody in a poly relationship, personally?

Have you ever interacted with, or had conversations with, the very many members here who are poly?

Have they told you that they had “no true connection” with their partners?

@BlueWave Why are you so defensive about this whole thing? Did l say something that offended you personally?

@Free_2B_Me Another deflection. Cool.

3

It is definitely twisted. It is also very selfish.

3

What if I'm not the one who wants multiple partners, but am willing to share?

Deveno Level 7 June 22, 2018

Go have fun then. It's your life. I don't care what other people do. Just leave me out of the madness!

@Free_2B_Me If we were in a relationship (which we are not), I would respect your wishes. I have no intent to deceive.

@Free_2B_Me It seems like you do care. You wrote a post on the Internet, and letting everybody know that you don’t understand it, but it gives you the creeps, and questioning why they would even be in a relationship.

When you say just leave you out of the madness, what do you mean?

@BlueWave lt looks to me like you are just trying to instigate...really?

@Free_2B_Me I had to bock Bluewave, lol.

@CaroleKay Sorry about that, but it happens...never know what sets some people off. It's funny to see such distinct reactions...all from one comment. I laugh to think about it, but do you think l would have gotten the same amount of fallout if l had said 'religious people give me the creeps' or 'spiders give me the creeps'...???

@Free_2B_Me Exactly. 😀

@Free_2B_Me So, no answer to your self-contradiction then. Cool.

@BlueWave There is no contradiction. You have chosen to take it upon yourself to pick apart what l have said and twist it into your own version of something. (The same way religious people chose to interpret the bible.)

2

Why even have more than one friend? Is the person you're with everything you want them to be? It's a real question. I don't believe any one person can be all that a human might desire, nor would it be fair for me to blame them for not being my everything. It would be wrong to put that kind of burden on another person. I enjoy the company of different friends and different lovers. I don't think what you feel is old fashion, it's how you feel based on what you've come to know and your own ideas, perhaps your own wants, maybe even insecurities (I don't know that for sure, but I've seen that in the past), as a society it's based on an unrealistic ideal of puritanical "Christian" indoctrination and a very limited view of love. You have loved more than one person in your lifetime, correct? Many just have the ability to be honest with themselves about the time frame in which they love another (again, not saying you're being dishonest with yourself). But most humans are Poly, most just don't have the ability to look at their own desires in an unabashed manner. P.S. People don't make me happy, no relationship can make you happy. You have to chose to be happy in a relationship. Love is a choice, many choose to give love to more than one person.... P.P.S. You can call me new fashioned if it makes you happy.

2

Without bashing you at all, please read your entire statement again.

Saying that people are not normal, and questioning why even be in a relationship if... It’s not calling people derogatory names, but it also definitely does not come off as simply being curious. It comes off as self-righteous and insulting.

Although I am naturally monogamous and cannot see that changing, I think similarly to many others and say let consenting adults find their happiness in their own way and then we are all happy!

I think YOU need to read my statement again...l NEVER said anywhere at anytime that polys are not 'normal'...l also never said that l thought it was wrong or anything else. You clearly have made your own 'judgements' and are attacking me based on your preceived interpretation of what l have said.

@Free_2B_Me Have you ever been to Spain?

2

same here. the entire local atheist group in this area, is run by them from the pres, vp. to treasurer , and most of the people that go, are into this. i thought i struck gold at first, my first week there, an attractive women started chatting me up. we hit it off so well, then she points over to her husband, sitting with his girlfriend, and tells me she just broke up with her boy friend. at first i thought swingers. but no, its people on the side of being married. wtf? i am with you. why be in a relationship? either you cannot commit, be monogamous. or that person is not everything you need, in every case, i see it as immature, and a character flaw. i left that group. wishing we had another group, of atheist, that had more to offer, and none of this polly crap.

Exactly! If l wanted mutiple partners l would just stay single and have multiple partners...just not my shtick!

@Free_2B_Me I agree which is why I think polyamory well off the beaten path. I would think that it would be very difficult to find huge numbers of people that you want to have sex with who are all on the same page.

2

It's not that you aren't enough. In a poly relationship, it's more of a mutual attraction between multiple parties. Like "I like Joe, Joe likes Mary, Mary likes me, Joe likes me, and I like Mary." kind of deal. Like when you have more than one friend and all hang out, you all get along, that's it's own form of poly relationship, the other ones just involve deeper emotions.

2

On both a mental health and physical health level you are on top.

azzow2 Level 9 June 22, 2018
1

I have a lot of friends who are into polyamory, and the ratio of successful relationships seems to be consistent with monogamy. It's not my thing. I want my partner's undivided attention and prefer to give him mine. Life is already complicated enough. I don't judge anybody for their own preferences, though, as long as all involved are consenting adults.

Deb57 Level 8 June 24, 2018

Very well said! Thank you for your input. I too share the sentiment of desiring my partner's full attention. (Life already tends to get in the way as it is!)

1

It's been interesting to see how this thread has evolved....from extreme opposition by some...to subtle agreement by others....and everything in between....

The thing l noticed that came with many of the responses though was this overtone of others trying to sway me based on their own experiences... as if my own feelings are somehow 'wrong' because l had voiced them.

Noone here knows me and they can't pretend they have any clue who l am as a person. People who do know me will attest that l don't back down from a fight, but l also won't waste time trying to talk sense to a fool.

It makes no difference to me which side of the fence you're on...or if you choose to straddle it.

My conscience is clear. I won't be losing any sleep over anything that happens here.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:113540
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.