Ok, it's been a while since I've reached out to you all. I've always gotten great advise and encouragement from you. So....I'm becoming emotionally involved with a man I've had a great physical relationship with. Problem is he is a Christian who believes anyone who doesn't follow the bible is going to hell including me. Somehow not him even though he is having sex with me. Whatever....I figured that would be his problem to work out not mine. We mostly don't talk about it. I'm just struggling with how can I contemplate continuing a relationship with a person with such different beliefs then me. I don't believe in hell so why should I be bothered? I'm confused. Am I being unfaithful to my own convictions? Can I be ok with this kind otherwise loving man who is so blatantly hypocritical in his own mind?
Tell him you're pregnant and see what his reaction is. It will make him see how serious the situation is that he's in and come forth with some truth concerning your relationship. An open sexual relationship with a closed mind is not good for the future. Decide if he's a "toy" or not and move on with your life.
Oh my goodness. I'm 54. Lol. He would consider it a miracle! Keep me in a cave and wait for the second coming!?
@Barbarabkind Brigette Nielsen just did it. So could you.
When I was 19 in college the first time back in the mid 80s, I started dating the campus minister (he was cute!) after sex, he would literally get out of bed, get on his knees, and pray to Gawd asking for forgiveness. I laughed at first....but it got less cute and I ended up dumping him. He now runs a church in Ohio and has the respectable wife and 1 kid (who is about 25 now).
Christianity is so dumb that even it's "followers" don't follow it. I call them hypocrites.
Cut and run. It's not going to get better.
Lol. I didn't call him out on it. I kind of think I've been treading lightly for the sake of continuing fun times out and of course good sex. Well aware I've been using him. But very diplomatically honest about it.
@Barbarabkind At least the sex is good!
If he really believed in the Bible then he wouldn't be fucking without a license, would he? Perhaps your Atheism is convenient for him and provides a loophole for him to behave in a non-righteous manner by fornicating outside of the bounds of holy matrimony. If you do continue with him and get married he will want to perceive you as a chattel and bend you to his will as a fellow believer, does this sound acceptable to you?
You would be best to start introducing him to your friends as your fuckbuddy and not your partner, it will make it less messy when he moves on to a permanent relationship with a 'good woman' - it's just how they are programmed from childhood and they can't seem to help it. I hope you find someone who is more worthwhile and complimentary to your growth as a person, so you can put this behind you as a fun and horny memory.
I tend to agree. I think she is his "bad girl." I sincerely hope I'm wrong, @barbarabkind. ?
The fact he is a hypocrite on this matter speaks volumes mate. The fact he cannot accept you for who you are, without prejudice or judgment, yet still engage in physical activities with you is disturbing.
I agree with Charity's observation 110%. Be honest too, I think you are way more important than a mere book would ever be ? Don't change who you are for somebody else's beliefs etc, that's just not Cricket!
Ultimately though, its your life and you will decide which way to travel. I wish you all the best and the road ahead is pothole free.
@CoastRiderBill Thank you mate.
In my opinion, anyone who thinks I deserve eternal torture for not believing in his invisible sky friend, is undeserving of my affection.
I hate to say this but don't put yourself thru this foreseeable pain and misery. Quit while your ahead and not hurt. You really need to be with someone who is in tune with your belief structure. The more two people are alike then the happier their relationship will be but your primary belief should be number one on that list. I do ask the question during conversation if they are religious and if the answer is yes I will move on and not look back.
Have to agree with this. You know it'll be you who gets the boot if he decides he has to pick, right? Similar belief structure might not be essential in all cases...but it sure helps.
"kind otherwise loving man" who is prepared to compromise his own beliefs but dictate to you an ego-centric philosophy of which you are not included. A few contradictions here. Maybe time to consider that this relationship is going no further than sex.
It may be wiser to cut and run now. I think he is probably pretty conflicted about having a sexual relationship with a nonbeliever and if he is a really convicted biblical believer, he will start to blame you for tempting him to disobey the word of god. He will start to try to get you to believe , as to convert you to his way of thinking will bring him back into god’s grace. I think there is no long term future for you with this man so go and find a more compatible one. Maybe he is right here on this site!
Quite agree. Could be Barbara will be his Eve scapegoat for his misdemeanours. "She made me do it!" etc.
Although I don't really care what others believe — that's their proverbial cross to bear — I couldn't be with someone whose values differed so much from mine. Sure, early on it might be fine, as we're still in that lovey-lusty phase, but eventually life takes over and we have to get along even without that constant romantic mindset. Significant differences like this are likely to cause serious conflict at some point. I can't tell anyone else what to do, but for me it would be a hurdle that I'd likely not attempt.
Depends on you. I personally would not continue this relationship. I met someone here that I am totally in sync with - we are both freethinkers, political junkies, social advocates sexually compatible and non-believers. You don't have to settle if something is missing.
There are great BIG, red flags flying right in your face, right now.
He's already made it clear he has NO respect for you because you don't
believe in his delusions.
Is the sex THAT GOOD that you're willing to settle for all his other bullshit?
You already feel conflicted and are admittedly "struggling" with pursuing an
emotional relationship with this guy.
Are your personal convictions that flexible that you're willing to ignore them for a relationship with someone who has NO respect for what YOU believe?
Exactly HOW is ANY of this potential relationship a HEALTHY thing for YOU?
He does not have respect for his own God either.
I'm discovering my sexuality after a 30 year marriage of dreading it. So I've been pretty short sighted. Learning and accepting new lessons along the way makes it all a great freeing journey. Thank you. Pretty sure this lesson is coming to a close.?
@Barbarabkind Good luck to you! I totally get where you're coming from.
To be honest he sounds like a regular self deluding Christion hypocrite.. I'm quite sure it's difficult to see any of this when you are in the relationship and feelings are taking root..Not sure if it's worth starting something that already is showing signs of strain..
I say by all means have some fun...but be ready to cut him loose and throw this Christion to the lions.
Funny how lust can cloud the importance of integrity as an important characteristic.?
Love is blind...and I'm guessing it's fair to assume... that what's true of love is doubly so of lust..?
I would worry about the long term aspects of this. How will he react if you don't change. If you are already getting emotionally involved it will hurt even more. Also a lot of Christian men believe that woman must be submissive to their wishes and commands. I for one think this is a slippery slope no matter how great the sex is and just remember, great sex has a way of not staying so great
I suspect the cart is miles in front of the horse. How did you decide to get physical when the basic foundation didn't check-out right? To "be OK" in this situation may involve you not being true to who you are. Step back and see how if goes without the physical part for a few weeks. If it fails, there's your answer. Just my opinion, but I never start the physical part until the rest checks out right for me. Clouds the judgement.
You have the answer, why do you need our reassurance? It's the same argument as the alcoholic or abusive partner -"Oh he is willing to change"........ No, he is not. Once the lust is gone, he will confess and repent to have his soul saved and have you tossed as a temptation. As ludicrous as it sound, that's their logic because it suits them. Or you can beat him at his game, tell him you have seen the light and want to get married by the holiest church in town as soon as possible..... My money is on him running away from you the very same day.
Funny thing is he has expressed interest in marriage from the first date on. I've in turn expressed my abhorrence at the very thought of it. He thinks he can change my mind. It seems he is failing spectacularly.
@Barbarabkind well, it boils down now on....what do you want to do?
@IamNobody I'm preparing myself the next time we talk. I will be ending our physical relationship. Life is short but full of lessons. I'm glad I experienced "us". Moving on wiser.?
@Barbarabkind whatever you decide, wish you the best.
NO. I would never even be friends with a religious person.
You're apparently already co-dependent on the sexual relationship, and looking for permission to continue your tryst, for some reason.
If you want to use him for sex, then dump him afterward, then that might work. But cutting your losses NOW is far better.
Only you can answer your questions
Sex is a powerful thing. It will cloud your judgment, it's supposed to. I don't really think you have told us what you want in this relationship, and I suppose you don't really need to. In the end it is going to come down to weather you like him as a person, not his beliefs or lack there of. This assumes that you can tolerate a religious person and any demands that might force on you. For me the issue would probably be the kids. Do you insist that they not be taught religious nonsense or allow your spouse to indoctrinate them? How would they react to you telling your child what your beliefs are? Can you say that you will both be ok with that divide? If your not planning on kids then it's a lot simpler.
If you are looking for a solid relationship beyond the physical part, I think that hypocrisy could be damaging down the road. Can you really trust someone who says one thing and does another. These would be my questions?
I agree. Red flag!
@Barbarabkind That's what I thought too...
So in his mind, he's happy to lure you into committing the sin of sex outside marriage and spend an eternity in pain? But, on the other hand, he's kind and loving. Give me a break!
Well, I was the one luring. (Feminist that I like to think I am) But it didn't take much.
Dogma and intolerance will permeate his thinking and will only get worse as he gets older. Perhaps you can be FWB's or something similar, but this is clearly not a keeper.
Just the fact that you posted the question confirms this.
Perhaps best to cut and run?
He's another fake hypocrite if he's having sex in spite of his so called beliefs, it looks like your better off keeping it a fwb situation, how could you really abide such a judgemental and narrow attitude long term, youd start to resent him pretty quickly if you don't already, just my thought on it.
@fathercat I should have elaborated fake, hypocritical Christian is what I should have said