You're right that I would feel really bad if she hurt someone. But the main problem is what can I do? She's straight up lied to me about it. I'm not sure how I would convince her to stop.

@Meili You can't convince her to stop. You can, however, see that she doesn't have the opportunity to hurt others. If you know she's behind the wheel when she's been drinking, call the cops on her drunk ass. THAT is your obligation.

It's best if it can be done anonymously. Unfortunately it seems too many police departments have big mouths.

But yes, if she is breaking the law, call the police. When word gets back, all you can do is keep emphasizing if she had not broken the law, what you did would not have mattered.

Not sure if OP posted the edit part before your comment, but the cops came out and essentially did nothing. Not surprising, shes a woman, cops were probably guys, and say what you want, I've seen and experienced the sexism of LEO and the justice system multiple times - first hand. Calling the cops might get them to come out, but no guarantee they will do anything...then you just killed any chance of helping her, or more importantly, being in a position to know when/how to help others from her dangerous actions b/c she shut you out of her life.

@jondspen If you see an illegal situation and do not report it, then you are an accessory to the crime. .... I think it would be an interesting thing if when the cops choose to do nothing, then they are charged with being an accessory .... very interesting indeed. Naturally, then you would have to be paranoid when near any police presence ... seems there's a down side to everything.

@Normanbites so if I'm walking down the street and see a person getting mugged, or a bank being robbed, I am criminally liable and an accessory to the crime if I don't call it in? If I am at the scene and refuse to make a statement to the police, I am arrested for accessory and/or obstruction of justice? No...that's not how it works. The only people I know that are legally required to intervene are medical professional during an emergency.

But I understand your argument. My point is the cops came out and didn't consider a crime had occurred, or didn't think the crime was bad enough to warrant them filing the paperwork and making an arrest. So the cops say "no crime", but you just got labeled as an over-reacting snitch. And in the real world, cops selectively chose what laws to enforce and on whom to enforce them. It's not right, but it's the way society is and you have to understand that in order to operate, survive, and be included. Being a boy scout Dudley Do Right all the time is a sure way to be alone with no friends b/c everyone considers you a pompous goodie goodie ass.

Again, not saying it's right...just saying it is what it is.

@jondspen I'm pretty sure if you see a crime being committed and do nothing to stop or report them you can be charged as an accessory to the crime or at least obstructing justice. But I'm sure the discretion of the law enforcement factors in as well.

In any case, if I see my brother robbing a bank, I'm dialing 911.

@Normanbites I just did a google search and other than very specific circumstances in 1 or 2 states, you can't be charged. Out of the top 4 google returns, and comments from actual practicing lawyers at the link below, the simple answer is no www.avvo.com (Is it a crime, not to report a crime, if a person knows about it and is silent). Granted, this link only covers federal and California state criminal law, but I'm sure NO states have these laws (minus the 1 or 2 concerning specific violence incidents - child abuse suspected by medical or educational personnel).

Please, if you are going to make statements about things, please research and provide proof, not just what you feel. There is enough disinformation being spouted around without adding to the noise. TY!

@jondspen Technically, yes, you would be an accessory to the crime. However, there are enough good people in the world that someone will report it. This means the Police will likely not be interested in prosecuting for your crime since they already have the information they need. However, if you were the only witness, somehow the police knew this and you would be the only source of information.

Then yes, you betcha. Obstruction of justice and rightfully so!

She "borrowed" my vodka once, informing me of it only afterward and telling me she used it to clean a stain from the carpet (I use it instead of rubbing alcohol.) I've kept a better eye on my alcohol since then.

@Meili ure fucking kidding me...right? ok...even if she isn't lying, taking, no stealing, relatively expensive alcohol as compared to baking soda, normal alcohol, or SOAP to clean a carpet stain is just....WOW. I just did a google search and yes, vodka can be used for cleaning around the house. Problem is, shit like that is something only an alcoholic would know IMHO. Much like you can take listerine mouth wash and sieve it through white bread and drink it - an alcoholic told me he would do that when he didn't have money for a bottle of actual liquor (also about using food extract, peppermint and vanilla are the big two if I remember correctly).

Sounds like your friend has real problems - and not just with the booze. You seem to have a big heart, be sure it doesn't get bigger than your head. Took me 40+ years to learn that lesson, many times the hard way after being burned.

@jondspen I'm not sure what you're talking about. I'm the one who taught her vodka can be used instead of rubbing alcohol. I use it because it doesn't stink like rubbing alcohol but works just as well. And we're good enough friends that her borrowing it wasn't a huge deal. But yeah, it does signal a pretty big problem with alcohol that she would feel the need to lie to me about it.

@Meili ok...my mistake. Just never heard of that, and in my experience knowledge of stuff like that is only known by those REALLY into the stuff. But I stand corrected...didn't mean to imply you got a problem since you know of that, just really seems odd to me, esp. on carpet. I don't even use OTC rug cleaner on my carpets without testing it in a hidden spot first, just in case it causes discoloration.

@jondspen Yeah, using it on a carpet was a pretty flimsy lie. I looked at the carpet and saw no trace of any cleaning having been done and it's doubtful that even alcohol could have removed the stain she mentioned.

No, she is not the "only one" who can make her stop.
The police can make her stop when they arrest her for DUI.
A judge can make her stop by sentencing her to prison.

Who cares if she thinks that you're the problem? Her judgment is faulty to
begin with. Of course she can't see the problem. She's actively engaging
her alcoholism. There is no way to be "kind" in these situations.
Anyone who thinks there is really doesn't have much experience with it.

@KKGator you would have to keep her in prison to keep her from drinking. I don't think that is stopping.

She only stops when she chooses not to drink, she is the only one that can do that. She will only do that when she sees she is the problem.

As long as she can claim you are brutilizing her, she will never get there.

Apparently, I have a lot more experience with it than you have. But hey, keep doing what you are doing, you will 'get it' sooner or later.

@Normanbites You're funny.

@Morganfreeman If someone is actively drinking and driving, time is a luxury most people do not have. Trying to be "loving and patient" is often a course of action that yields very little in the way of positive results.

I absolutely stand by my position on the matter. I have never experienced a gentle approach as being successful. I also accept that, "tough love" doesn't always work either, and we just have to let them go. Nobody lives forever.

@Morganfreeman Your uncle was the exception, and not the rule.
I'm not understanding your posts very well. It's difficult to discern your
intent. Are you defending the rights of alcoholics to endanger others?

This is a fantastic answer. There's no easy way to handle this, but I think this would soften it. Whatever you decide, good luck!

Sorry, I completely disagree. While it's fine idea to compile a list of resources, she's STILL drinking and driving. There's also no guarantee she'd even be receptive to anything you have to say.
It's been my experience that those with substance abuse problems do not respond to "gentle" attempts at intervention. Like, AT ALL.
They are not in their "right minds". They are not likely to respond to rational efforts.

@PalacinkyPDX i agree plus if they kill some innocent person you have lost that friend anyway it would change the whole dynamic plus you would be carrying the guilt of knowing but doing nothing so you are complicit

I completely disagree. It's not a "dilemma" at all.
It's pretty clear what the right thing to do is.
There is nothing complicated about it.

some people want their life to be easy i understand that but fck that for a way to live ive reported 2 people in the pub i drink in 1 i considered a friend but don't try and make me a bad person by default is my outlook on life now

@weeman Life is never "easy". I don't even understand why anyone would think that is possible? Personal integrity is all any of us actually have.
Turning a blind eye to anyone's wrong-doing is most definitely a demonstration of a LACK of personal integrity. Some things ARE black or white.

@KKGator yup and that is one of them if a friend wants to hurt themself fair do,s when you start involving innocent bystanders the friendship has already changed

I myself wouldn't say not my problem or stay out of it, but OP also need to be realistic about the effect she can have in friends life...esp when police have been called and didn't arrest (so now in her mind it isn't really a problem otherwise I would be in trouble). And if she gets charged, a woman in front of a judge for first time DUI is going to be treated with kid gloves compared to a man in most places in the US...and that's a statistical fact.

Just be realistic how much you can do about the situation, and the consequences of the actions you go with. I would keep in mind that she might end up killing or hurting your mom, sister, brother, nephew, close friend, or complete stranger. That's not to say it's your place to fix her, but it IS your place to do what VERY LITTLE you can to protect your loved ones from her irresponsible actions.

Thanks for offering advice that doesn't place all the responsibility on me. That actually really helps. I think I've done all I can but wish I could do more. I'm not able or willing to stalk her and would do everything I could to stop her from driving drunk if I knew beforehand that she was going to, including calling the police on her. You are right that there are plenty of police around watching for this behavior and they actually have more chance of catching her at it than I do.

By the way, she drinks at home and it's during the day that she tends to be driving drunk. No way for me to predict when it's going to happen.

@Meili Happy to help. It's tough if she's not looking for help to force it upon her. I'd just go back to trying to talk to her now and again but without a lot of pressure as she'll just withdraw if she feels it. Offer to help and make sure she knows you're there for her if she asks. Not a lot more I think you can do. I wish you and her luck.

Thanks. This sounds like a balanced approach.

I'm surprised too. I didn't hear the whole conversation she had with the officer. I only heard her telling him that she was very tired and had been in a hurry. I wouldn't have thought she was drink either just by talking to her if it hadn't been for other incidents.