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Which do you think is more important ?....

To honor [whatever that means ] your parents
or to
Fully understand[whatever that means ] your parents.

Do you do either? on Neither?

Mcflewster 7 Aug 29

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On the one hand extremes of 'Honoring' can lead to Honor Killings. On the other hand one can earn the right to be honored as some of the post above do show, but automatic assumption that one deserves to be honored is damaging.


Both are one in the same.


Honor no-one, seek to understand everyone (including oneself) ?

That is a good definition of Humanism


I have tried for years and cannot seem to do either from their perspective. I have made peace with being polite and responsive; it's all I can offer them.


If I remember right, the commandment said something like 'honour your parents so that you will live long on the land'. I think it meant your parents would get to live longer because you would help them, and then your children would do the same for you. But it would be daft to think all parents merit honour by their family position. Not enough counsellors advise children to get away from their toxic parents.


My mother and I are very tight.
I was very close to her mother (grandmother). There was , and still a lot of love and understanding there.

As for my father, well he was very abusive mental, and physicallyI was terrified of him, and he made sure that it stayed that way.
At 16 after one of his 'moments' with me, I had enough, I walked to my room, grabbed some things and was going to leave. just before I went out the door, I looked at him and said, You no longer have a son.
That was the last time I have seen or heard from him.

It was very liberating, and for the most part I was able to just put it all behind me.
But every now and then I did have the thought of meeting him again, I am a lot bigger than I was then.
And I thought, look at me now you piece of shit, try that shit now.
But, I realized that would bring me down to his level, so i just let tossed that notion away.

Although, one thing good happened on reflection, I learned how to not treat people.


Both my parents passed away in soon as one died, the other one did also.

I honored them because I was very religious then, but they were gaslighters and emotionally abusive. However they mostly just left me alone, and I was provided for, so it wasn't too bad.


To Understand is healthier, especially for your own piece of mind. Like everyone, all parents are imperfect beings. As their children, we run the gauntlet, so to speak, of honor and love to anger and hate, and all can be mixed in one package.


When it comes to parental units, I hit a massive winning lottery. I never, ever forget that; especially when I hear my friends talk about their dysfunctional families.

I honor my mother because she is worthy of being honored. She is an excellent person who taught me to be kind to others and true to myself. I wouldn't honor her if she wasn't worthy.
I try to understand my mother [whatever that means] inasmuch as one person can understand someone other than themselves. She tries to understand me in much the same manner. I think we do a fairly good job of winging it.

Deb57 Level 8 Aug 29, 2018

Neither - I left home at 15 years old ,mother mainly manic, father war damaged, brother 8 yrs older & innaccessible ,- I fail to see how I could honour the abusive parents I was stuck with - Leaving was the best thing I ever did as my manic mother always was sparring for, a fight, a real one. it was a terrifying existence till I got a job and got out. What would there be to honour in all of that?

They made You??

@Mcflewster I wouldn t know how to answer this because although my mother carried me in her womb and my father donated some sperm that was for them .and everything ever after was about them nothing was about me - so how did they make me ? - I made me when I left home and became a person who wasnt terrified of coming home to abusers.

@jacpod That was very sad for you and they missed so much potential pleasure - but you survived - well done.


My parents have died and I am now left an orphan. I remember them with pleasure, and I value the sacrifices they made on my behalf. They were just people—I honor them as I honor everyone.

I’ll never fully understand them. I don’t even understand myself. I can see how their experiences might have caused their personal characteristics.


I am smarter than my parents (and my dad) so understanding them comes without effort. I am currently taking care of my mother as her dementia progresses so my intelligence does me no good.

I'm in the same boat. I love her but I sometimes feel like she would just stop her suffering. It sounds cold but it is out of respect that I say this. It is difficult watching her go through this. She keeps saying she doesn't know why God has kept her alive this long. How can I answer that question?


Both are equally important. Although I care for and love other people, my parents are the only two people I will ever, or have ever worried about on another level. I have always felt compelled to protect them in any way. Especially as they get/got older. My father was always able to handle himself against others, but even as he got older it was harder on his body. He used to be a power lifter and would smack the crap out of someone if he had to whether it was in defense of himself or his family. He passed away 4 and a half years ago. My mother is a firecracker, but obviously less powerful than a power lifter lol. She's going to be 69 and I would kill someone to protect her if I had to. I've always struggled with wanting more for them and protecting them. When I say struggle, I mean that I have understood them and their lives (to the best I can) and have always wanted to absorb any hardships they might have or ever had. So yeah, both are equally important.


Mine are , "no longer with us ."

I am sure that you still think about them or is this an assumption too far?

@Mcflewster Mom died just last year . She loved me , but she always gave me a lot of freedom , I'm older now than Dad was when he died . I don't think he was capable of love , because I don't think he learned it as a child . He came at an unfortunate time , just after his father returned from the war , with a very serious injury . His Mom already had a young daughter in addition to the injured husband , to look after , and discussed aborting him . She later had two more children .


understand it can help you sort out issues i never understood my mothers distance until i was 26 and found out she had been raped and got pregnant then had to give up my older brother her sadness immediately made sense everyone goes through some trauma without knowledge we make assumptions and we are all the heroes in our own life story


There are some people in this world who should never have children.
My parents were two of them.
I do not "honor" them, at all.
As far as understanding goes, I have a little bit of insight regarding my mother.
She died in 2003, and I didn't learn of it until 2012. No one told me.
She was a complex network of flaws. We hadn't spoken since 2002.
I don't miss her.
My father, still living, is not much different. We rarely speak. He's extremely self-centered and doesn't have much time for anyone who isn't doing something
for him. Including his children.
That's fine. I leave him to do whatever he does.
I might hear about it when he dies. I might not.

Hugs , hon .

@Cast1es Thanks. I'm good, really. It was what it was.


I loved my parents and respected them for who they were, but I did not try to make them something they were not. I understood the circumstances that made them what they were,which helped me to understand them as people. As I grew up with the benefit of a college education and exposure to another culture, many of my beliefs and attitudes were different from theirs. I never belittled them.

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