My first husband was abusive and I was traumatized to the point of finding it difficult to function in life. I was pissed too. But no matter what I did when I was pissed, I failed to change my situation. It's only been as I've gained control over my anger and learned to respectfully set boundaries that things have significantly changed in my life.

I think it's good for men to understand that many of their gender pose a real threat to women. All men should be asking themselves if their behavior may be contributing to the problem. Many of my ex-husband's actions in our marriage are considered rape but neither he nor I understood that. You men could be doing harm without being aware of it.

On the other hand, women need to learn to allow men to learn their lessons themselves and not try to shove them down their throats. Nothing is more effective at prompting self reflection in others than persistent and respectful boundary setting. But in order to do that, you have to respect yourself and learn to put aside your anger. As women learn to set boundaries against men in respectful ways, they will see success in their efforts to be treated fairly.

I think the answer in real time is very plain. Men in everyday life do not have to do anything to prevent themselves from being sexually assaulted. This is why most of us men do not even think of it.

The right post at the right time. I am a man who actually tries to imagine all the safety measures a woman has to think about and I could only come up with maybe a quarter of the precautions listed here. Frightening and frustrating AF!

To the extent even 15 year old kings vested by god will go to make sure there will be no queen ruling the land. He, he, ha, he. And he Died!!!! Granted the grown men educating him and managing the country for him had a lot to do with his behavior.

It’s really very easy to see things from your own perspective. I can honestly say that I’ve never thought about protecting myself from any kind of sexual attack, but I’m very conscious of what could happen to my daughter. I’m aware of the possibilities, but this is an eye opener. Thanx.

Can we at least mention the elephant in the room? That being how religion has instructed the cultural values so that women withhold sexual availability. Now we have men becoming mass murderers in response to their frustration.

As long as the underlying issues are self-censored, we shouldn't expect any improvement, and indeed, a worsening.

The corollary is that women also suffer as a result of their fear and inhibitions.

This guy doesn't ask that question. And there are also lots of other men who don't either. Better to say SOME guys ask why women are so pissed off. That would be a lot more accurate.

A few days after i was assaulted when i was 12 by a family friend who lived with us, i had to go to an official police interview. When getting ready, my mother told me not to wear bright lipstick. "We don't want them [the police] thinking you were asking for it."

I quit wearing feminin or revealing clothes at that point.

That is very true. Men without having things pointed out have for very long been trained by both parents how to live and react in society (this goes for most of the world). I remember studying linguistics and seeing the evidence of sexist language in the English language alone to whit showing there are more derogatory terms to describe females than males.
These thoughts and actions are one of the reasons that I, in high school, predicted a black male President of the United States before a woman. Note black men got the vote (at least legally) in 1868 while women here did not until 1920. I grew up in a rural, very religious and Christian oriented farming area. Many there haven't changed much over the years. I got thrown out of class, even before school stared one day for insulting Billy Graham by insinuating he was a drunk who sold an Elixer named Christ. Such fun times to have been liberal minded. Mostly I got thrown out for arguing with the teacher, whose father was an evangelical minister (who also happened to run a notoriously poorly operated old folks home, now called senior centers), over how I didn't believe I had to "watch it" because I didn't believe her god was going to get me.

Wow, that’s truly awful! As a father of a young woman, I thought I was pretty sensitive to this, but I guess I still have a lot to learn.

Not to minimize others trauma, but it really comes down to men stink at listening to women. That's why I'm generally pissed off around men. I used to not stand up to it, now I do.

Excellent post.

Interestingly enough I just finished reading "The Power" by Naomi Alderman. It's a futuristic novel about just this kind of role reversal.

Front cover blurbs include Margaret Atwood and Barack Obama.

That must be a powerful learning experience for the men. Thanks!

I would certainly say that some men only learn when it happens to the women they love. Then it all clicks. It clicked for me the minute I found out my former spouse was carrying my daughter. I'm kind of ashamed about that. But, we're getting better as a society. More progressive and diverse. Much in the way that religion is becoming more and more unpopular. Not that religion is the only thing to blame. This is just as much on our fathers, but not as much as it is on us indidually. Men need to teach their sons to respect women. They deserve it.

I used to take the same bus home at the same time every day. It stopped right in front of my building. I was stalked by someone who had gotten to know my schedule, where I lived, and the building I worked in. I started varying which buses I took and taking the train sometimes instead.

My daughter grew up with two brothers. She has a mean streak from being teased by her Bros and their friends. She took 4 years of Ninjutsu with her Military Intelligence father. He thought she would benefit by not being afraid of hitting or being hit. She added Crossfit when she started College. She went to Europe alone for 7 weeks when she was 19 and had a great time with a Europass and a youth hostel itinerary she set up on line. Most American girls don't go to the ladies' room alone at that age. I overheard her talking with a girlfriend as they got ready to go out to YBOR City in Tampa. They close the streets at night and all the older kids and young adults party. My daughter's friend asked her if she wasn't afraid to wear such a blatently sexy outfit to YBOR. My daughter answered that dressing that way was considered aggressive. She pointed out that predators were after prey, not confident strong girls. It's not just the boys that need to be raised differently. Girls need to learn how to fight. I don't mean catfighting. I mean the kind that puts a potential rapist in the hospital.

Thank you, I never heard that before.

This article is spot on. And its truly sad that this is 2018 and a lot of guys still are so unaware - what the hell is it going to take?

This is a huge reminder to me because I had forgotten that I do all these things on a daily basis. They are so ingrained into my being, that I just don't notice them any more.

That's painful to read. Reminds me of the years I was bullied.
I always had a knife, watching for trouble constantly when I went outside. Wore clothes it would be easy to sprint in, left the school at lunch so I could eat in peace and barely make it back in time to avoid people. Getting home afterwards involved leaving from different doors, taking long trips around town to throw them off.

It was awful, but it ended and the worst that could happen was they'd use me for target practice with rocks. I can't imagine what I'd be like to live with that sense of pursuit my entire life.

Not that it's entirely safe now.
Once or twice a year I get chased by a pack of shouting, barking young men when I jog. Strangers, probably harmless, not that I'll ever let them catch me to find out.

Doesn't really refer to being "pissed off". True, the above does highlight what women go through all the time. To make this analysis refer to being pissed off, it does show all the added baggage women have to lug around. These current supreme court hearings show how women have to take so much shit from men. Considering the suffragette movement, Rosa Parks, Anita Hill have had to go through would highlight in a better way why women are justifiabfy pissed off. While we're at it, call the Senate switch board before today, Friday Sept. 28th @ 202-224-3121 now. You will be directed to your Senator, tell her/him to NOT vote for Kavanaugh's nomination.

You have to watch this man's TED Talk. I post it at least once a year to my FB page. If I could figure out how to do it, I'd work with this man. He's putting amazing information about there on not just the toxicity of "Manhood" but how it's making men suffer, too.

Thank you for the reminder.. I do try and have empathy for this, but its good to see things from another's point of view every so often.

Thank-you for posting this. It brings up many emotions and memories that remind me that I am often not careful enough (regardless of that fact that I shouldn't have to be)