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I just don't understand how people can stand being alone. It is the worst feeling for me. I wish it weren't but I have to be honest. Wondering if I'm some sort of freak as most seem just fine with it. Am I?

Deanervin 6 Oct 3
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0

I do not like being alone.

10

I am going to stick my neck out here, and hope I don't get dog-piled. Men are conditioned to expect a lot of emotional support from women, and without it, they suffer. Lots of studies show that men benefit from marriage more than women do. When a divorce happens, men remarry quickly (if they can), while women are slower at getting hitched again. It's not always about choice: some women can't find partners, because men in their age group prefer to date younger women. But on the whole, women do better at being alone, partly because they have more friends (generally speaking), but also because, when they get divorced, they lose LESS emotional support than men do.
I think that for both sexes, finding a partner who is genuinely interested in them as a person is a goal. I've been dating for about 5 years now, and very few of the men I meet ask me many questions about myself. I am a practised interviewer, and it's easy to get men to talk about themselves; most do it easily, anyway. Much harder to find a way to let the man know who I am. Is it because he has already figured it out, and doesn't need to ask me anything? Maybe. Or is it because he doesn't really care to know? Too often, that seems to be the case. In my age group, snap judgements nip many budding romances in the bud. Come on, guys, ask US some questions. It shouldn't always be all about you.

Totally agree!!! I left a marriage where I had no emotional support, in fact, I dealt with emotional abuse, so getting out of the marriage and on my own, even though I was alone, was a big positive for me. I know what you mean about men just talking about themselves. When I was actively dating (which is code for a lot of first dates), my friends would ask "how did the date go?" and my response was almost always "I just sat and listened while he talked about himself."

I had a therapist tell me that I've never found a man who can truly partner me. I agree. I feel like the men in my age group want a woman who is somewhere between a 20-something coed and a pet dog. Stay in the corner and out of the way not expecting anything until you're called, then shower me with loving attention, feed my ego with your youth, then go back to your corner again. Oh, and be happy with this role. I've tried the companionship route too, and men seem to interpret this as a willingness to just be on-call for sex and nothing more.

It's easy to interpret this as a gender issue, but I have female friends whom I can say the same about. When getting together with them, all they do is talk about themselves. In fact, I met some friends for a girls weekend a couple of months ago, and it was...talk, talk, talk about themselves, then grab their phones when someone else begins to talk. The rudeness was so blatant, I left early.

Good comment!

Wow. Like, right on. Well said!

I make an effort to not be this way. I like an open, even, conversation. I have met men and women who will take over the conversation with talk about THEM and it's quite annoying. I let talk but know it's not going to be a place for me.

6

My worry for you is that you get involved (and screwed over) with someone just because you can't stand being alone. You'll put up with crap just to feel loved, but love will have nothing to do with it. I see relationships every day where one is more in love with being in a relationship than they are with the person they're in the relationship with. Get used to you. Learn to like you. Your life is about you, not someone else.

I get many people associate loneliness with lack of self worth. I know my worth. I just know I also prefer to be with another. It is because I know my worth that I want to increase my happiness, and being with another has always created some of the happiest moments in my life.

This may be true for many people, but feeling lonely is not synonymous with low self-esteem. Don't assume that the expression of loneliness, the desire to reach out in this community, is a declaration of desperation.

6

Everyone is different. What you want is what YOU want. Doesn't make you
a "freak", or weak, or anything else. Those are other people's judgments.
They don't have to be yours.

Personally, I prefer to be alone. I don't want to be in another relationship.
I have family and friends, and I can be with them when I want to be, and go
home when I'm done.
I can't even imagine sharing my personal space with another man ever again.
I have zero interest in putting up with anyone else's bullshit, and no desire to
subject anyone to mine.

You do you. Don't worry what anyone else thinks about it.
Good luck finding someone to share your life with.

6

You aren't a freak, but it might be an idea to learn how to be alone. It helps prevent you from trying to manipulate people to be with you and it helps prevent you from being taken advantage of just to have someone around. It will help you be more successful in a relationship, I think.

6

Its worse when you are with someone and be alone.,.sorry to hear that!

So true, been there

5

I was completely devastated when my husband left last year and thought I could never stand being alone...and so I moved in with my brother and his family for a few months to get back on my feet. Now with a job and new apartment - I find I do enjoy being alone and realize how hurtful the last couple of years of my marriage were. Now that there is nobody criticizing my every move I am comfortable with myself. I don't think you are a freak. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I do think it gets easier over time at least that was the case for me. I hope for you.

5

I cherish my solitude. Perhaps you should examine why it is that you are unable to be your own best friend.

Deb57 Level 8 Dec 4, 2018

Interesting that many assume I don't like myself or my alone time. Life offers plenty of alone time and I'm okay with it. Just got way more of it than I need ???

Considering the myriad of ways that are available for being around people, such as clubs/organizations, volunteer work, philanthropy, the only way we are forced to be alone is when our own mobility is the issue. If you are complaining about being alone when you are doing so by choice, then what's up with that? Perhaps we are defining "alone" differently. For me it simply means the absence of people.

5

Being single does have its downsides, but I've filled in that void with hobbies, and interests that I'm interested in doing. The partner thing will come along when it does, but I don't focus on that; instead I just enjoy each little moment as they pass. Nothing in life is ever guaranteed, not even life itself, so I make sure to be grateful for each moment that I do have, single or not.

4

I think there's a difference with being alone and being lonely. I personally enjoy my own company most days, and i find it rejuvinating and offers me time for self-reflection.

Being lonely is different. Sometimes you just need to have someone around, as we're social creatures.

As an introvert, i prefer the former, but recognize that occasionally i need the latter, and then realize i want the former again.

Haha

4

There is something to be said for independence. Being in good company is nice too. Life is going to give us a mixture. You gotta roll with it.

3

Humans are social by nature. Being isolated can actually cause problems for you mentally in the long run.

KenWG Level 3 Dec 4, 2018

I've seen enough research to know it causes earlier death. I'm literally trying to save my life, it could be argued.

3

You obviously haven’t been hurt enough....

Hurt plenty but must be a glutton for punishment.

3

I think you have to learn to be by yourself. Some people just learn how to be by themselves at a really early age and are then comfortable being alone.

Think I'm plenty good at it since been doing it many years now. I just don't care for it!

3

As many have already mentioned most people aren't fine with it. I've become fairly isolated the last few years. If it wasn't for family and coworkers I would have virtually no social interaction.

I am definitely not fine with it. I may look that way to others but I spend most nights wishing I wasn't alone.

3

I am not built for alone, so I understand. I am self destructive without someone else. Bringing joy to "her" is what brings me the most joy. The worst thing anyone can say is what everyone seems to say, "you have to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone else". That abysmal phrase makes me die a little inside every time I hear it said to me.

3

I've had the phobia.all my life. I hate being alone with a passion but I can't find a mate and I'm so tired of being turned down . I've been so rejected lately. It really hurts. Right now, I'm on vacation by myself. I'm so tired of waiting for Mr Right to come along. Maybe there is no Mr Right. Should I waste my whole life waiting? My answer is no. I'm getting older and debilitated. I have to live for me. It sucks but such is life.

I understand your situation. Maybe looking for "Mr right" is too much? Perhaps "Mr hes alright" is a better bet. The chances of finding that perfect partner are slim and slimmer as we age. We become set in our ways and develop faults that become habits. So the odds of finding that exact piece for your puzzle grow longer. Time to look for a looser fit.

2

No u are not a freak. Some people are not built for the lonely life. I am one of those people that is fine with it. I enjoy companionship but only for a season.

I'm a dreamer it seems. ?

2

I've been by myself for 5years and without a gf for almost a year so I feel some loneliness too. You will find someone just like i will find someone. Cheers.

2

I do believe isn't in humans nature to be solitary. We naturally yearn to be with another human. But, one the same token, I do not believe in monogamism life. Monogamy is a religious construct.
Life should be made with partners, not just one spouse until death takes us apart.
Just need to be honest here, most men do not believe in one partner, mist tinder men above 40 are married men looking for something different.
I am for open relationship, but don't take your date in the motel, bring her or him home and let share the goodies.

Yes, let's! LOL

I agree that monogamy is a religious and patriarchal construct. Intellectually anyway. But this concept has me in a deep emotional conditioning. Unlikely I will be able to break out of it any time soon, if ever.

How do people escape from this emotional conditioning? It took me years to get rid of my religious beliefs, and it was because my religious beliefs didn't involve such powerful things as sex and insecurity. But monogamy involves both. 🙂 Their powers should not be underestimated.

Having said that, yes, we are pack animals. We need other people around us. That isn't limited to sexual relationships. Despite the fact that I am single, I have friends and social connections. Yet I am seeking out a relationship with potential for sexual intimacy. I have been involved in a few online dating, and I must admit that I am beginning to realize I don't know what I am looking for as well as I initially thought. And that's an uncomfortable thing to realize....

2

I have moments of feeling lonely only because I was married for over 20 years. Having good friends and being happy with who you are is important but being lonley is normal.

2

You're not alone. You have you. Moreover, you will always have you.

Yes, you do "count."

I'm aware of this, very much so! I also know I need closeness, touch, affection, and these things I crave.

Yes ,this is an old saying; "No matter where you go,there you are".........

2

It's a difference in people, not a flaw. I enjoy being alone. It relaxes and rejuvenates me, and I never feel lonely.

2

No, he freaks are people like me who are fine with it. I have been alone pretty much my entire life and I prefer it that way.
People annoy me. Even the good ones.

2

Thanks everyone! Appreciate the support.

2

Anything can become tolerable through enough exposure. Spend enough years of your life predominantly alone and you get used to it. Spend enough years used to it and you start to prefer it because being alone and bored is actually less horrible than the constant drama, pettiness, and stress of being around other people.

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