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On a first date:

Should you be honest on a first date or pretend you are what you think the other person may be wanting so you can have a relationship?

Should you ask questions you want answered or play the game until you get what you came for?

Should you ask questions whose answers are important to you about money sex religion politics?

By Anonbene8
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51 comments

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22

Be honest. Life is just too short.

If someone says flat out,"I need a bible-thumpin' , Trump lovin', baby producin' machine.."
Just run. Your future breakup is not worth the years you will spend figuring it out.

UrsiMajor Level 8 Jan 31, 2018

I think that's the first time I've really laughed out loud today. Thanks!

What if I asked you something a good deal simpler like, would you mind going to the bathroom and washing your makeup off so I can see the real you and then show me your credit card statement so I can see what priorities you spend your money on?

Hahaha, nice.
Well said.

@Anonbene Depends on if you are joking or not....

11

You should absolutely be honest. To be frank, if someone is so insecure that pretending to be someone they are not, is preferential to being single, they have no business looking for a relationship with anybody but a therapist.

I agree 100%.

Are you saying women should show up without makeup and men should have their credit ratings handy?

@Anonbene I didn't say anything. What I wrote was "You should absolutely be honest. To be frank, if someone is so insecure that pretending to be someone they are not, is preferential to being single, they have no business looking for a relationship with anybody but a therapist."

If you have a socio-political viewpoint around men, women, and gender roles that you want to express, please start a new post thread, and share it with us.

11

Ever heard that saying, "Honesty is the best policy?" Well, it really is.

10

Are you serious? The answers to your questions are no, no, and yes.

Let me ask you a few more questions.

Do you want a relationship based on lies and bullshit? If so, pretend.

And, "play the game until you get what you came for?". If all you want is to manipulate people into having shallow sex with you, then pretend.

Now switch places with a woman and
change that position. Do some women have different attitudes and actions towards sex before and after marriage? Which category would that fit into? A lie, a miscommunication, an omission, a subterfuge, a ploy or simply an instant change of mind?

@Anonbene Definitely, I've experienced it myself. That would fit into categories 1 and 2. Combination of lies, omissions, and subterfuge (which is more or less the same as a ploy).

But that still doesn't excuse the behavior for anyone of any sex.

10

Be honest, all the time. No pretending anything. Why on Earth would you want to pretend to be anything for someone else, if that anything isn't who you really are? That makes NO sense and WILL come back to bite you square in the ass later on. Do not misrepresent yourself, under any circumstances. No game playing. It's immature, and if you're just playing the game "until you get what you came for", you're not only dishonest, you're an asshole.
You ask the questions that are important to you. About anything. Don't be a schmuck.

KKGator Level 9 Jan 31, 2018

I wish there was a "love" button. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Do you pretend to be someone different at your mother's dinner table than you do at The Do Drop In?

@Indubitably Thank you. I have my moments. They're brief and exhausting.

@Anonbene ?????

9

1st date I would keep it light.

Rugglesby Level 8 Jan 31, 2018
9

In my opinion, it's better to be honest.
Because what you say can easily come back and bite you in the ass.
Why waste so much energy in being something you're not?

NeoXerops Level 6 Jan 31, 2018

So it's ok to ask a woman why she wears makeup and hides her credit card bills?

@Anonbene I can imagine why questions like those would ever come into play on a first date.
Haha, sure why not? Can't guarantee the outcome will be good.

9

I am honest, I am who I am and what I am. I'm too old to play games. I don't want to waste time cultivating a relationship with false pretenses. I ask questions I want answered, and I ask about the important stuff. Usually I will know most of the important stuff before we meet in person.

This is why you are so awesome!

@KKGator Thank you!

Yes, but will he?

@Anonbene not sure of the context of your question.

9

By the first day, I would have already known about money, sex, religion, and politics.

Yes, I would be honest on a first date and would expect the same. A person who pretends to be what the other person may be wanting sounds manipulative, and a disaster waiting to happen. I don't want to be pelted with questions.

I want a first date to be fun. Well, all dates, of course, but how we play and feel comfortable together on the first date will generally determine (for me, at least) it there's going to be a second date.

Um... You don't want to be pelted with questions but you already asked and had answers all the questions you had about him before the first date?

@Anonbene In other words, we would already be friends to an extent before we went out. smile009.gif

I don't date strangers. I only mentioned not being pelted with questions because that was mentioned twice in the OP, and he was coming from an angle that the two people were pretty much strangers to each other. Does this help clarify things for you?

8

I am 67 and divorced after 30 yrs. Hitting the dating scene recently from dating sites, I make it a point to tell the truth , be open and straight from the go. I'm burnt out from marriage to try and create a false profile I most likely wouldn't recall. It's really a lot easier to date be honest, your at ease with yourself and can let your personality shine thru. If it doesn't work out now then it never would have worked out making up stories.

Kind of in the same boat as you Buzz. Widower of 12 years here.

I'm not talking about making up a false persona. I'm talking about hiding your debt by omission or that you're a furry.

7

Honesty. Suppose you "play the game" and "get what you came for" but then later, you get fond out... awful situation. In my youth I was a pig, but an honest pig.

andygee Level 7 Jan 31, 2018
6

I always find honesty is the best policy. Before I meet someone for the first time I already know about their attitudes about money, sex, religion and politics. I need to know their values to see if we are compatible. Life is short and fleeting. Visiting fellow site member after talking on phone for weeks.

6

You can't manipulate or obfuscate your way into a quality relationship. Be honest, be kind, and see how it goes.

I think you meant "can't".

Ha! I certainly did <derp>

Kinda thought so!

Otherwise, you would be a xtian!!!

It happens every day all the time. It's what the entire multi billing dollar makeup and fashion industry is made from.

@phxbillcee

Don't hold back GM, I'm down. smile001.gif

6

My memory is pretty good, but not good enough to try to remember a litany of lies. Besides, lying is just not in my nature. No, don't "pretend" to be something or someone you're not. Unless the cops are looking for you.

Condor5 Level 8 Jan 31, 2018

Im not talking about lying. I'm talking about the dishonesty of omission and concealment. Hiding your short comings until some emotional hook gets set.

@Anonbene imho, being dishonest, misrepresenting yourself, being pretentious, and intentionally omitting personal information because you think it will lessen your chances of "hooking up" with someone, are all forms of lying. If you don't agree, that's OK. We're all here to express ourselves and our opinions, right?

6

Honesty is the best policy. A relationship founded on lies will be bound for failure. Besides lying takes energy and requires you to remember every thing you said untruthfully. The truth is just easier.

Why did you immediately jump to lying? There are plenty of ways to be dishonest without lying. Would you hide omit or change the subject if she brought up your terrible driving record? Credit rating?

5

Yes of course..and who wants a relationship on the 1st date?..sex maybe..but a relationship?

Charlene Level 9 Jan 31, 2018
5

I think you should be honest, but you don't have to trot out your whole history right away (unless directly asked, then don't lie). Many of your questions will be answered, even if not in detail as the date progresses, so no need to push right away. Just be honest & be yourself.

So be honest but not too honest?

No, be honest, but you don't have to give a full autobiography & treatise on every subject on the first date. The point of a date, especially a first date, is to have fun, not spout soliloquies.

5
  1. Absolutely not.
  2. Play what game?
  3. On a first date, not like an inquisition. If things naturally come up, sure talk about it.

For me, believe/non-believe and voted republican or not will ALWAYS come up prior to a first date. My new rule for MY life.

BlueWave Level 8 Jan 31, 2018

Why did you have to make up a NEW rule?

If it was an only date I would agree but I said first date which means there are certain conditions I'll reject if there is ever going to be a second date.

@Anonbene The reason I made up a new rule for me is that I just recently got out of a long-term relationship with a believer. I have decided, for me, that I will never date, much less be in a relationship with, somebody who believes in anything supernatural.

So, when I meet somebody who might be a potential date or partner, whether that is in person or online, my goal is to find a way to casually or naturally, through conversation, find out whether they believe in anything supernatural. If they do, the subject of a date probably will not even come up and if it does, I would not be interested.

4

My style was always to engage in general conversation. If the person seemed interesting, I might pursue other issues like the person's opinion on issues. If the likes and dislikes were similar enough, I would attempt to continue the relationship. The probing questions came later.

wordywalt Level 8 Jan 31, 2018
4

Damn - you're a boomer too - I would hope you'd have the answers to these ...

If one chooses to be a game player, they're likely to turn off just about any sincere person out there.

Every combination of people is a whole new pairing. How the interaction goes will be different for different people, depending on what's important to them, and what they seek from the potential relationship. Then - what level are they hoping to take it ? Lots of variations out there !

evergreen Level 8 Jan 31, 2018

I do have answers to these. I was just wondering what the folks here thought.

3

I say just be the best version of yourself you can be. Be as charming and attractive as you can be, but don't try to be someone you're not. A first date is like a job interview: put your best foot forward, but don't lie or you'll get fired for false pretenses.

resserts Level 8 Jan 31, 2018
3

You should never pretend to be something you aren't. That can get you viewed as dishonest if it comes out later.

3

Shouldn't/couldn't most of those issues be resolved,at least to go/np-go level, before you have that first date?

It's more difficult to shade the truth in person.

2

You should always be honest. Frankly, I'm tired of the catatonic autopilot that everyone seems to constantly be on. I want the real, dirty, fucked up truth about people to see if their demons will play well with mine.

Probably why I'm single.

2

Honesty is the best policy, I think. Sharing how you used to dress your hamsters up and attempt to make them ride tiny trikes might be best left for later on down the road however.

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