A good explanation from [greatergood.berkeley.edu]

What Is Forgiveness?
Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Just as important as defining what forgiveness is, though, is understanding what forgiveness is not. Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.

Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.

I completely agree with you there. I am fed up with people that tell others to forgive and they will feel better. What one needs is to forgive oneself for putting up with a situation for so long.

As much as I would like to buy into all of the forgiveness is for the person to move on stuff, there are things that are not forgivable. Holding on to hating a person for what they have done is sometimes the only thing that allows you to make it through.

Sorry, I am not forgiving anyone for some of the pain and hurt. I am not angry or bitter about it, but they don't get my forgiveness...let them live in their daily hell if they even feel anything about it. I own my feelings and that is the control I need. Don;t give a crap if they want my forgiveness...the answer is no.

Holding a grudge only hurts the grudge-holder. I forgive people and have boundaries.

Yes. Some things are unforgivable, and some people don't deserve to be forgiven, even figuratively. If someone has done you harm, you don't have to let some counselor or positivity coach pressure or guilt you into "forgiving" that person. It's not only bogus woo, it's counterproductive and even possibly self-destructive. I agree that we need to find a way to stop the injuries done to us from eating at us, but by forgiving them? What's healthy about that? Burn them in effigy and move on.

Everything is forgivable. Forgiveness is not about condoning the behavior or giving the offender a free pass. Forgiveness is about letting go of the pain and relieving yourself of the burden of carrying resentment. Holding on to pain and resentment only hurts you and does not punish anyone or change any wrongful behavior.

I can forgive someone who has genuinely apologized and recognized the hurt cause by the action... and I can forgive someone who is no longer living... but those who refuse to acknowledge the wrong and refuse to apologize... nope! I don't need them in my life.

I think the key is to find some way to put the hurt behind you and move on. That doesn't mean you have to forget or make the perpetrator feel better by voicing forgiveness to him. You just don't let it eat you up and ruin your life.

I think we have a semantics issue here.

I think so. Have never really understood the benefit of forgiveness. Getting over bitterness, yes. But forgiving someone for atrocities, sorry, I just don't get it.

There are unforgivable offenses, such as an entire family utterly failing you after your girlfriend's suicide. Even making it worse with insensitive comments. I mean, damn! I'm much better off on my own. I need people around me that build me up, not try to tear me down! Forgiveness is provided at the pleasure of the offended. My own unwillingness to forgive my family for so many offenses costs me family time a lot. But my integrity and dignity and sense of self are intact. Peace in this holiday season to all peacemakers! (no religious inference whatsoever) Go Mueller!

I don't get it. Forgiving say, a child molester, is beyond me.

I can forgive a lot but not always forget

I think the word "forgiveness" gets thrown around or misunderstood. It's not about saying what the other person did was okay or letting them off the hook -- it's about letting go of the anger so that it doesn't run your life. That doesn't mean you forget or give them a pass.

My younger sister did a no-show, no notification with my late wife's memorial service, while the rest of my immediate family showed up. She also never explained or apologized for it later even after I confronted her. I will never forgive or forget that, as it was not only disrespect to me and my wife, it also embarrassed my family, since everybody at the service noticed her conspicous absence and many commented about it to me. I may be estranged from my family, but I recognize the importance of such occaisons and respect them enough to show up and show appropriate loyalty to the family.

Yes, absolutely.

I think, at the root of your question, is the assumption that forgiveness is synonymous with rekindling connection. I think they are completely separate ideas. Forgiveness is a one-sided, empathetic act, carried out by the scorned, when they recognize they were victimized/hurt by someone who, themselves, was a hurt human being too. Forgiveness for the most heinous act is totally possible when we see enough detail about the perpetrator. But, to partly reiterate, forgiveness can happen in your heart, without the perpetrator ever knowing, and without any renewed connection. Forgiveness is often framed as a personal gift to the perp, as in someone "asking for forgiveness". In interpersonal conflict, when one asks for forgiveness, they are often actually asking for the victim to "forget" or "let bygones be bygones" or "for another chance" (none of which are forgiveness.) The act of forgiving is actually really primarily a personal gift to yourself and your own mental health... As I said, when we realize that the victimizer was victimized many times in the past themselves...and are thus a hurt and hurting human... we can forgive. (A process that I'd call expanding our understanding of the human condition). Forgiveness is a atate of mind for the victim to aspire ....not the perp.

I forgive everyone because we have no free will. Not a single person is responsible for their actions.

Holding on to unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Resentment, anger, and all the emotions of unforgiveness are a burden to you. Let it go. Time/fate/karma/whatever will take care of the offender, or it won't. It isn't in your control. And because you can't control that, you control what you can and let go of it. It is hard, but it is freeing.

I don't forgive or forget. I behave well and try to understand and let things be, but they have an effect on any possible relationship.

Cheating and stealing are internally unforgivable in my book. On the surface, I move on to give myself peace of mind.

That’s what I’ve come to understand about ‘forgiveness’. A person can forgive you but even over a long period of time they won’t let it go or die. I have forgiven people and will either let it go right away or let it go over time but it seems that’s impossible for others when it comes to me. To me, there are unforgivable things but it has to be really bad.

Yep, infidelity!

Well nowadays yes when you factor in the level and volume of which people are offended then yes by today’s standards I’m sure that a lot of things are unforgivable.

But in reality you’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that either you own whatever was done to you or it will possess you.

For example my father was an abusive control freak that caused my birth mother to abandon me and after which I was passed around my family until my dad decided that he needed to raise me and shortly there after me and my stepmother endured years of physical, emotional and social abuse.

And by today’s standards I should be in therapy, on medication’s, most likely abusing drugs and alcohol as well as being abusive to my wife and child oh and repeatedly incarcerated.

Yeah non of that has ever happened because I owned myself and I confronted my father and told him that my life was too valuable to waste on hating and resenting him and I did the same for my birth mother.
I told my stepmother that she could leave him or hit his ass back but their problems weren’t going to be my problems and I also told him that until he could admit that he was wrong and apologize then for him not to talk to me.

It took quite a long time but it happened and i forgave him as well as my mother before she died 3 years ago. And even though I’m on my second marriage I can say that both of my wives would laugh if anyone ever asked if I had hit them and my kid would say that I can be mean and irritating but that’s it.

I was in the military, worked in law enforcement and not once have I ever been accused of being abusive or out of control. I’ve never gone to church unless it was for someone in my family so religion has never played a part of my mentality or behavior.

It’s like I said if you don’t own your life and I mean all of your life good, bad and the fucking ugly because it will own you if you let it.

I'm not saying it's easy. It is emotionally and psychologically healthy though.