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Does anyone else have to deal with an aging Christian relative? I have been abandoned by my daughter to care for my mother alone this year for Christmas. She's 90. And nobody but me will spend any time with her over this holiday. I don't blame her for her faith. She blames me for being an atheist. She like to tell me that she is praying for me . I have no idea why. I can't really understand stand the concept of belief. Any suggestions on how to cope?

confidentrealm 7 Dec 23
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15 comments

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1

I recommend a bible study.
Give her a set time and tell her religious talk is off limits at al other times.
Do like 2 sessions.
An hour two days a week where you ask questions and let her wax. Let her believe she's converting you. The Bible is a pretty awsome book, especially proverbs and ecclesiastics.
Matthew is cool too.
Genises is a very easy and entertaining read.

Read the Bible cover to cover with her starting with genises. She will be soooo pleased. It will be great bonding.

At the moment, her health is failing. Her mental health, that is, anxiety has taken over. She says she doesn't know why god is keeping her alive. Doesn't he know she wants to die? That's probably what saddens me the most. If I were 90 and wanted to die, I don't think I would allow god to stop me, or at any age really.

1

Enjoy the time, let her have her way... you won’t have her forever. I’m the primary for my mom who has some dimentia, but I don’t think we are going to see 90.

She didn't feel up to church so I played. Games cloth her.

1

I would try to redirect her toward positive topics of mutual interest. Easier said than done with some people, especially if they're not respectful toward you.

Lol. That's one of y biggest gripes. She is not respectful toward toward me at all. She truly believes she should be respected just because of her age and status.

@confidentrealm Yeah that's a problem with a lot of us oldsters.

Of course I've earned an arguably higher default level of respect and deference from those closest to me, but that doesn't mean I can't squander that capital by being an asshat. Besides, epistemological humility demands that I acknowledge I have things to learn from everyone I interact with. For example, my adult stepson is working for me now, and while he's very respectful of my experience and judgment, and knows he has a lot to learn from me, I also respect what he brings to the table, which is a deeper theoretical understanding of my own craft than I have. Things that I have taught to others that intimidates them, look familiar and approachable to him because he's spent years grasping the underlying principles that the vast majority of people haven't.

But if I had grown up with a lot of seniors in my life who think that merely being old gives you a throne to perch on and issue demands and judgments, I might not know any better than to act like that.

Best you can do with someone like that is try to make the conversation about generic things and principles like human / humane kindness and tolerance and respect rather than god's righteousness and judgment. Tall order though, if their whole mentality has ossified around both negative and imaginary concepts. It turns their view of humanity pessimistic and parochial.

Sometimes, a little mental jiu-jitsu works: plug into their world and talk about how god hates gossip, stinginess, judgment, unkindness, how those things are sins. But to pull that off, you have to know their theology pretty well. Better than they do in fact. Once they figure out they know their "truth" better than they do, and know when they're cherry-picking to suit themselves, it shuts them down pretty good. But it's exhausting work.

@mordant I got out of taking her to church. She didn't feel like it. Turns out drinking, playing dice, and talking nasty about people was better. But it hurts when she says things like she doesn't know why god has allowed her to live this long, she wants to die. Especially after her niece and her kindergarten friend died recently.

0

Just because you are the only relative available doesn't mean you are stuck with the duty. Call her pastor and tell him/her that Mom needs to go to Red Lobster as you have previous plans. Then disappear. They will find someone who will go with Mom and pray with her, which is what she finds comforting anyway. Don't make yourself a whipping boy just because you're available. Don't be available. Take a cue from your daughter and get going. Make plans.Move on, if she is active in her church, someone there will step up. It's the Christian thing to do. They get brownie points for it.

0

Being a caregiver is a mostly thankless task. You’re doing a great job and I hope you are able to enjoy at least some time with your mother.

1

@confidentrealm
Wishing you all the luck in the world and especially for taking care of your mom. It’s a thankless job. Other family members rarely recognize how much work goes into it.
If you drink. Have a glass of wine and watch a movie that helps you relax.

1

Thank you for praying for me. Did you watch(favorite TV program)today? I'll tell you what happened to me today...

We will both be okay. I usually think about the people in assisted living I work with as an art therapist. Some of them don't even know where they are or who is around them. The funny thing is that when they paint I can see who they are. My mom is not that way. Her health is much better than some her age.

0

Invest some money in some good quality earplugs.

@sweetcharlotte I hope that I make your day a happier one

1

Is someone praying for you really that bad a thing? I personally think it just means they have you in their thoughts and are concerned about you. My mother prays for me and I’m fine with it, she doesn’t do it in front of me which would most likely annoy me. I’d probably start with my own prayer to The Dark Lord just to equalize the situation...
????????????????????????

3

I feel for you. But don’t let it come between you two. My mom is 94 and very strong willed. I have to just let things go and then find an outlet. I like the suggestions below about watching a movie, old photos, etc. Does she play card games? I play poker with my mom and she kicks my ass, so it’s fun for her.
Good luck.

@maturin1919 I think so. They played bridge, which is really difficult and you have to have a poker face. So my mom picked up poker naturally.

4

It could be so many other things. Being a racist. Being just plain nasty. Passive aggressive. Needy. Too talkative. I take care of my elderly mother. I've had to conciously and concretely make a decision to be loving. Cling to what she's good at. Anticipate what's annoying and try to change her direction.

Yes. All of the above. Thanks

3

It's hard hearing that from someone all the time. especially since it sounds like you can't just leave since you are her caregiver. Get away once in awhile if you can. That's a hard spot without any backup, even without the religious wierdness.

MsAl Level 8 Dec 23, 2018

I went to Maine in October. One week was not enough.

0

Just smile and nod and think about the last movie you saw.

Not so easy. I would have rather seen Mary Poppins returns today than taken mom to red lobster.

1

Only science works

1

Mama, if prEyer ever worked, I would never get cancer in the first place....

If the big man in the sky really lived us why does anyone suffer. We must learn a lesson. Bullshit.

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